Found out I'm the OW

[Popsicle]

You're making it seem like an OW and a BS are on the same level. An OW may have the same pain but she hasn't invested years into him like a BS has. No children shared, no friends and family entwined. Comparing is apples and oranges.

 

You don't have to tell me about shared children, shared friends and family entwined. I left a husband for less than cheating....

[underpants]

You're making it seem like an OW and a BS are on the same level. An OW may have the same pain but she hasn't invested years into him like a BS has. No children shared, no friends and family entwined. Comparing is apples and oranges.

 

The victim is shamed into staying silent, because they were deceived. []

 

It is not like being cut off in traffic.

 

The spouse of someone capable of deception (on that level), once disclosed and stays is culpable.

Edited January 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[S2B]

Staying silent is detrimental to anyone.

 

Have a voice and speak your truth.

 

What his wife does once she knows isn't of concern at that point. Exposing truth is key. His wife deserves to know who she's married to.

 

It took me 10 years to leave. I was wanting to believe he changed - he had to some degree - but started cheating again after 10 more years.

 

Some people leave when they are ready.

 

At least his wife would be an informed partner. Be on high alert - the MM may be vindictive. Have someone stay with you for a week or so after you tell his wife. You need protection in case he tries to see you. Call the police if he shows up.

[underpants]

Lovella,

 

If you really want to tell, and I understand, you need to think.

 

I have a thread where my experience is documented. You can read it if you like.

 

I feared for my safety as well. If you do it you need to change your number and be prepared to feel very paranoid for a while.

 

I received several calls from him but never answered or returned them and only forward texts to her. It sucked.

 

In my case I did send the betrayed fiancee (one month before wedding with a child (2 of which he lied about having, along with his last name and line of work... don't ghost people!) a one page letter, restricted registered mail. Only she could sign for it. It turns out he had her fb passwords and was diligently checking the post mail everyday at home. So any easy ways would be bypassed. Someone that capable of lying in the degrees of deception shown, well, I quickly discerned it was not his first rodeo.

 

I did disclose an email she could ask more questions although I laid out a good case. The we spoke on the phone and she bought (or wanted to buy every teenager excuse in the book). My one anon letter, not evidence 1, 2, or 3 didn't convince, but she knew. It was weird.

 

My motivation was to try to save a deceived person. Our last convo was her stating that she might take him back and my response was 'that is on you'.

 

One letter that should have done the trick, didn't. 5-8 phone convos, and lastly me changing my number (I let her know, but I was harassed by both).

 

Nuts. I know a woman who was married for 45 years and finally got divorced. She mentioned a phone call she got 20+ years prior from a woman claiming to have had an affair with her husband, she said she laughed and thought it a joke, ending with what kind of woman would do that. I responded 'someone trying to tell you the truth'. She through me out of my chair. Crazy.

 

Similar cases that have come up since, I don't bother. I just don't believe in people like I used to. I just shy away from all people now.

 

Good luck.

[lovella]

Thank you once again everyone for sharing your thoughts. I unplugged after my last post and just spent the day with my sister and her kids, then just by myself taking a long drive/walk to clear my head.

 

I feel so empowered reading through all of this. Going to try to reply to everyone. I've found it's also very cathartic doing so.

[lovella]

You DO have morals... please don't think otherwise. He lied to you... how were you meant to know he was married.

 

I really do empathise..... because I was once in your position.. but he wasn't married ..he had a GF.

 

Wife, gf, whatever... pain is pain, lies are lies. Sorry to hear you had a similar experience. I hope you are okay now.

[lovella]

I think that his wife deserves to know the truth, but what she does with it once she has it is completely up to her and I personally(after telling her) wouldn't feel any more responsibility toward her after that point since you were deceived as well. BTW, I think it's commendable that you feel bad for her at all, that alone puts you in the minority.

 

Yes, this is how I feel sort of. Once I tell her and give her whatever proof she needs, I don't want anything more to do with the situation.

Edited January 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lovella]

Hi Lovella,

 

Our situations are very similar, you can read my story in my earlier posts.

 

I recommend that you re read Popsicles advice, the BW who are here and telling you that you should disclose are not wrong but are approaching this from a BW perspective. Popsicle is right in that there will be very, very few people looking out for you especially if he - and he's likely to- pulls the "she's crazy, she's a stalker, she's obsessed" card, you will be the enemy in her eyes. The strongest relationship you should have is with yourself, and you need to protect yourself right now, your emotions are already spinning so slow down!

 

Read your posts and I'm so sorry that you went through that. He too talked about marrying me, having kids, buying a house, raising a family and building a life together. It's all such a load of bull.

 

 

Your decision to go NC is enough as a first step, deal with that then decide if you're strong enough to handle the potential fallout of disclosure. Yes she has a right to know, but your right to grieve, process and recover in a safe environment is not outweighed by this. Your emotions are not secondary and any insistance that her rights outweigh yours illustrates Popsicles points.

 

I realized today that telling her is a part of my grieving and recovery process. I don't feel that I can fully deal with this without letting her know. If that makes sense.

[lovella]

I'm not talking about murder, more that she will potentially be open to personal attacks, attacks on her reputation and other revenge activity that does occur frequently.

 

From what Lovella has described he is likely to blame shift once his wife finds out. It's human nature that she believe him over Lovella regardless of how plausible or implausible their stories may seem making her the enemy.

 

Frankly I never thought about physical harm or anything of that extent until it was mentioned in this thread. I don't see him as the type who could actually do that (but who knows), though she could possibly be if she doesn't believe me.

 

I was more worried about personal attacks and on my reputation. I'm not a celebrity, but my job is very public. I'm relatively well-known in my industry and you can easily find me online. I'm certain that my boss will have my back regardless, but the repercussions is not something I ever want to deal with.

 

I have seen his good side and I hope he can admit to it if/when she confronts him. Nonetheless it's sad that I can also imagine him shifting blame to save his own ass.

 

When I initially posted my story one of the first insinuations I received was that I should have known that he was married and that I was being disingenuous in saying that I didn't. This was before I posted actual details but illustrates the mindset that people automatically have toward the OW, we still have a need to paint women as madonnas and whores Lovella does not deserve to be cast as the latter, she likely will be though.

 

Heal yourself first Lovella then decide. You're dealing with the pain of losing someone you loved and the dicotomy of what you believed to be real and what is real. You're also describing cognitive dissonance in your acceptance of guilt over still having feelings for him and your uncertainty of your actions should things be different which can be very painful in itself. You may, even on a less than conscious level, be seeking some form of self flagellation in contacting his spouse.

 

I'm not against you telling her necessarily, I just don't think now is the time in your own healing to do so, self care is not selfish.

 

I'm a few months out now, I had the complication of finding out he was married when I discovered I was pregnant (complication is the wrong word but nothing describes it adequately ) I'm doing pretty well time and NC are what works along with practising self care. You sound very level headed, I think you'll be fine

 

thank you for all of this. it's everything i feel. i really hate that this was the case for you, but I'm so glad to hear that you are healing.

[Lois_Griffin]

Also no one is going to be looking out for you, but you. She (wife) will stay with him and defend him and her marriage before she defends you. She may even talk crap about him but she will STAY with him. What comes out of their mouths means nothing, it's about actions. You will be thrown under the bus at best and left all alone.

Who cares? She wants nothing further to do with these people anyway. What does she care whether this lying con man throws her under the bus or not?

 

OP, you are doing the right and compassionate thing by telling her and providing evidence so he cant lie his worthless ass out of it. Whether the BW chooses to leave the lying loser or not is completely immaterial. How she chooses to handle that information once the OP has been kind enough to give it to her is her own choice.

[lovella]

How did he keep his other life so secret from you? And I'm left wondering how did you find out he was actually married?

 

I've dated many men - but I usually notice red flags pretty early in(like the first date) that make it obvious he's probably married.

 

Was there anything that you could have noticed but didn't (in hind sight)?

 

Just wondering here so that others can be more aware of what to look for in married men who hide it.

 

Honestly, I think he was just very good at living a double life. Maybe he has done it before, who knows. I now see that the situation was also convenient and made it easy for him. Don't know if this will help anyone, but I hope it does:

 

- We both have busy careers and mine can run at odd hours. For the most part, our time together was planned to accommodate our schedules.

 

- We both work weekends sometimes. Meaning he can easily tell his wife that he was working while he was with me and vice versa.

 

- His (their) house is about 2.5 hours away without traffic. His job is here. He has a place nearby to make the commute easier, but he mostly stays at my place because I live just down the block from his office.

 

- Whenever I didn't hear from him, I didn't make a big deal of it or worry. He'd say he was with his son and eventually I assumed that was the case every time.

 

Maybe, just maybe, the reason why I didn't catch any affair-related red flags within the first few dates is because there weren't any. He was forthcoming that he has a son and said he was divorced and I gave him credit for that. Nothing really stood out to me until I saw that pic.

 

I have a feeling, and this is only a conjecture, that maybe he and his wife were separated and not living together when we met. It fits the timeline of our relationship and some of the information that I gathered when I found out he was still married. I'm guessing they reconciled while we were still together. Not to say hiding it is okay at the very least.

[lovella]

Time will heal the emotional wounds. NC really helps with that. It's an emotional attachment which died an untimely death and it's normal to grieve that. After a couple of such incidences, I developed an attitude about relationships and women which essentially entailed 'trust, but verify' and moved on with life.

 

If you have any hard evidence of his double life and desire to share that with his wife, simply send it to her. Independently verifiable evidence is preferred. No need to get personally involved. Any guy who has the balls to live a double life and lie to a whole bunch of people can eat you for lunch in the politics department. Heh, I learned from the best, MW's. They're experts. Provide the stuff the wife can verify independently and move on. You'll never know the results because, well, you're NC. Their lives will work out like they do.

 

It'll work out. Someday you'll look back on it without any emotional content at all. Peace.

 

This is my ultimate goal. I've had two significant LTR breakups in my life and neither compare to this. It definitely has changed my attitude about relationships and trusting people, but I will deal with that once I've healed from this.

[Lois_Griffin]

Try watching "Deadly Affairs"

What's with all the scare tactics trying SO hard to keep the OP from being the only decent one in that train wreck she was conned into? Jeez, since when did doing the HONORABLE thing as a human being become some kind of life or death choice?

 

 

I'm sure the evidence the OP has - which spans years - will CLEARLY show the BW what a lying pig she's married to and how he tricked the innocent OP into thinking he was single all that time.

 

 

And if this BW is smart, she'll leave this loser and take him for everything his worthless ass has.

[lovella]

Discovering that your H is capable of doing this is truly horrific. There aren't words! It completely messes your head-up! Just because a bs doesn't file for divorce the day she finds the truth DOES NOT MEAN it's not the beginning of the end!

 

Of the teeny tiny percentage of OW attacked by the MM most are threatening to ruin their lives. How could hurting her protect him once his wife knows?

 

The truth is most wives can feel that something is very wrong. It's truly crazy making!! I spent over 6 months HATING myself, thinking whatever was going on was ALL my fault. Learning the truth was excruciating but it was also a tremendous relief.

 

We're arranging our house & listing it for sale so we can return home. (I'm from UK but living in USA) learning the truth taught me how completely vulnerable I am in my life. It's not just about STD's. I made HUGE life altering choices like moving country, leaving my career, getting PREGNANT again, that I would NEVER of done if I'd known how tenuous my prdicament was.

 

I know that many OW don't consider the BS & the kids to be anything to do with them. I guess you tell yourself whatever you need to so you can sleep at night!

 

You are innocent in this situation. You're a woman. I can't guess how his wife will react in the moment of discovery but as time passes & she processes everything..... How many BS say they wish they never knew the truth of their H?

 

It made me feel better reading your post. Unlike many I don't consider other women the enemy. If more of us felt some kind of solidarity there would be a lot less heartache in the world. Many affairs persist because OW believe the BS to be somehow deserving, if they think of them at all....

 

I appreciate this post more than you know. Thank you so much. You're so strong for taking the next steps to move on with your life and I wish you well.

 

About getting pregnant again - do you mean you and your ex-husband had another baby? If you don't mind me asking, was it planned or was it to save the marriage? You don't have to answer that if you don't want to.

 

I ask because from the information I found about their marriage, it seems as though the baby girl/"niece" was either unplanned and they decided to work through the marriage because of it, or it was planned to save what was left of their marriage.

[lovella]

You're one of the sweet and empathetic BS's, ShatteredLady. And, please, make no mistake, the biggest victim in this all is always the BS who was completely unsuspecting. But if she knows, and/or after she knows, I don't know, I question. It's almost as if she becomes just like the other women who knew their MM were married but kept going with him...

 

I completely agree with this. I am hurting, more than I ever have in my entire life, but his wife is the biggest victim.

 

I just hope she believes me.

[lovella]

Lovella,

 

If you really want to tell, and I understand, you need to think.

 

I have a thread where my experience is documented. You can read it if you like.

 

I feared for my safety as well. If you do it you need to change your number and be prepared to feel very paranoid for a while.

 

I received several calls from him but never answered or returned them and only forward texts to her. It sucked.

 

In my case I did send the betrayed fiancee (one month before wedding with a child (2 of which he lied about having, along with his last name and line of work... don't ghost people!) a one page letter, restricted registered mail. Only she could sign for it. It turns out he had her fb passwords and was diligently checking the post mail everyday at home. So any easy ways would be bypassed. Someone that capable of lying in the degrees of deception shown, well, I quickly discerned it was not his first rodeo.

 

I did disclose an email she could ask more questions although I laid out a good case. The we spoke on the phone and she bought (or wanted to buy every teenager excuse in the book). My one anon letter, not evidence 1, 2, or 3 didn't convince, but she knew. It was weird.

 

My motivation was to try to save a deceived person. Our last convo was her stating that she might take him back and my response was 'that is on you'.

 

One letter that should have done the trick, didn't. 5-8 phone convos, and lastly me changing my number (I let her know, but I was harassed by both).

 

Nuts. I know a woman who was married for 45 years and finally got divorced. She mentioned a phone call she got 20+ years prior from a woman claiming to have had an affair with her husband, she said she laughed and thought it a joke, ending with what kind of woman would do that. I responded 'someone trying to tell you the truth'. She through me out of my chair. Crazy.

 

Similar cases that have come up since, I don't bother. I just don't believe in people like I used to. I just shy away from all people now.

 

Good luck.

 

I am already starting to become paranoid after reading this thread and some of the stories on this forum. It's okay though. I want to be thoroughly informed. This a huge undertaking in every way possible.

 

Thanks for sharing your experience. That must have been one giant headache for you. How did you manage that?? Geez.

 

Do you think she was in denial at first? I'd like to be prepared for that too, like if she kept coming back asking for more proof like in your case. I wonder if that's a way for her to cope and come to terms with it too. Like when you know something to be true, but somehow you still need more convincing to finally accept it.

[lovella]

Question for everyone: if I go the registered mail route, how do I hide my address? Should I get a PO box or is there a non-traceable way to do it?

 

I am still trying to decide how to go about telling her. I am almost sure he has access to her personal email, social media and phone. I don't want him to know. I'm thinking maybe emailing her at work, but maybe that's not a great idea.

 

I would honestly prefer to do this by phone or in person. Email her, then say if she wants to know more she can text/call or meet up with me. Maybe that's not a great idea either, but somehow I think that would be better for her, from the little I know of her.

[sandylee1]

Seems the red flags were there but kind of ignored...

 

He out and out lied. The OP is NOT to blame here and I think it's exceedingly unfair to make her feel like she bears any fault at all.

 

He gave what could be a plausible explanation. I've been in photographs with my brothers and nieces /nephews... even with my brothers arm around me. People could draw conclusions from that.

 

OP .... Please do not feel bad... and don't let people think you are.

 

 

In life you try and have some degree of trust in others .... this world would be a terrible place if we didn't.

 

I don't agree that you ignored anything. You questioned and got an explanation.

[sandylee1]

Wife, gf, whatever... pain is pain, lies are lies. Sorry to hear you had a similar experience. I hope you are okay now.

 

Thanks. I'm years past it now and happily married with kids.

 

People may think I should have known.. but when a guy chats you up at a party in his own house... how could i suspect he had a GF .... who I later learned was there in the house too.

 

I felt very used after it. ... and even more so because he met some family of mine. Karma slapped him upside the head some years later though.

[S2B]

I completely agree with this. I am hurting, more than I ever have in my entire life, but his wife is the biggest victim.

 

I just hope she believes me.

 

I would tell her in person. Have evidence in case she doesn't believe you.

[carhill]

Ha, I did this once, in a large padded envelope addressed to the man at his ranch from the post office in another town and the return address of the police station in his town since he was well known in that town and so was she. This was long before the internet.

 

OP, I wouldn't bother with any of this, rather just move on, unless you have independently verifiable evidence.

[William]

Topic check:

 

Noting some drift into the usual political rhetoric of affairs, I've deleted and/or edited a few posts and am steering things back to this particular affair, apparently discovered by the thread starter and ended and the questions and comments posed by the thread starter in their opening post.

 

Please do support and discuss the starter's particular situation. Please do not engage in berating any members, non-members, theoretical affair partners, etc, etc. Work the issue as provided or simply move on to the next thread. Thanks!

[Lovebug66]

Hi lovella,

First of all, I am really sorry this happened to you. What an arsehole. I think you are doing the right thing for the right reasons and I wish you the best.

 

When I was the BW, I spoke with the OW....or to be more accurate we emailed a few times. I reached out to her. I wasn't mad at her (well, honestly I was mad at the world haha but), I held my WH responsible. I knew who he was at that time, a lying addict willing to do anything to get his fix. She got caught up in his lying and manipulation too. While we weren't the same, we weren't all that different either. You two are even more alike since you thought he was single.

 

There was a poster here, goodbye I believe, who was in a similar situation. She decided to send to the BW job because she knew MM would intercept any other communication. You should do a search for her here and read her thread, I think it may be helpful.

 

There are no guarantees to how she will react. Her initial reaction may be very different than how she feels after a few days, it can take time to digest. You can never please everyone all the time, but I think your gut is leading you in the right direction. If she turns out to be someone who takes her anger out on you, you don't have to put up with that. Continue being the bigger person, don't engage and block her. Even if it goes well you have no obligation to continue contact after you have said what you needed to say. You are on your own healing journey and need to do what is best for you. Hugs!

[whichwayisup]

Yes, this is how I feel sort of. Once I tell her and give her whatever proof she needs, I don't want anything more to do with the situation.

 

 

 

You are strong and have compassion, you put yourself first and have got out of situation that is damaging for you. Be proud of yourself!

Edited January 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ShatteredLady]

You asked about my pregnancies.... Honestly I'm not this organized & planned in anything else in my life. Both my kids were planned right down to the age difference & trying to manipulate (successfully) the sex of the baby. I know!!

 

I meant if I knew my H could do this to me I would of made different choices in my life. I believed us to be family.

 

I've never known anyone have a baby to try to save a cheating marriage. Particularly a 2nd baby. After the first you know how incredibly hard it is. If one kid doesn't stop them cheating then chances are having another baby will increase NOT decrease the odds of them straying.

 

There are all kinds of people though. Nothing's for sure.

 

A friend of mine had terrible problems conceiving their 2nd child. They went through 3 years of all the tests, treatments & procedures. He went to EVERY appointment holding her hand, dreaming of having a son.

A few months after giving birth she found he had been cheating with a coworker the whole time!

 

She used to joke that she didn't mind him playing golf so much because it meant she got a lot of freedom to do what she wanted in return. Turns out he'd never played golf.