What are the standard expectations of FWB?

[SomwhereOutThere]

I met a guy about 14 months ago (alias: Brandon) & we dated a few months, unsuccessfully. He broke it off last April, saying he doesn't have time to be in a relationship, he's not good at it, blah blah. Ok fine. However, we stayed in contact almost every day and continue to sleep together from time to time. The routine is, he comes over really late after he's done doing whatever he had to do, we talk for a couple hours, have sex, he spends the night and we leave to go to work in the morning. (A couple times we didn't have sex for whatever reason, probably one of us was too tired.) Once in a great while we actually do something during the daytime: go out to eat, watch a movie, museum, etc.

 

 

Once we got past the point of having some kind of status, things seemed to get easier as far as communication and openness. I got to the point where I'm ok with not having a status or dating expectations. I care about him but I know a real relationship won't work and I'm ok with being FWB with him. Eventually I'm sure we will both meet other people & have relationships with them and we agreed to let the other know if we met someone or wanted to start meeting others.

 

 

I've had FWB arrangements in the past with others where we contacted each other regularly and saw each other at what I consider an acceptable frequency. With Brandon, sometimes he answers my texts quickly but sometimes he takes hours....10,12,24 hours, etc. (Let's just assume he's not married & doesn't have a gf or other person. I have been presented with no reason to think so and the usual signs of that aren't there.) He's a busy guy and has many obligations which include his family, work, church, recording music, and helping people with various things (errands, cars breaking down, what have you.) He pays for this busy lifestyle with health problems and always being tired, but he likes staying busy. From time to time he drops off the radar and I don't hear from him for days. We care about each other and the sex is awesome but I get tired of feeling like the one putting in most of the effort to stay in touch and initiate things because he's too busy. It makes me feel like I'm an afterthought and the last thing on his mind. Even my platonic friends of both sexes put more effort into our friendships than he does.

 

So basically he has a girl who is willing to engage in a FWB arrangement with no strings, someone who doesn't expect him to come over or call every day or ask him for help with anything like the rest of the people in his world. But he acts like a human cat, someone who comes and goes as he pleases, when he wants. When he can fit me in, it seems. Can you really be too busy to go hang out with your FWB more than once or twice a month when you don't live that far apart and there's no pressure for it to be any more than what it is? He has a standard 9-5 job like me, it's not like he travels for work or has kids.

 

One might argue that he's just not that into me but if that's true, why engage with me at all, why not just ignore me altogether, or tell me he can only see me once a week/month/whatever, or just say goodbye altogether? He doesn't only contact me for sex and we don't always have sex when we do hang out. If it's just a matter of convenience for him, he either has a low sex drive when I'm not around or just isn't into me. But he sure doesn't act like he isn't, when we're together. He's not terribly open either, so it's hard to talk to him about this stuff without him thinking I'm starting an argument or uncomfortable discussion.

 

The expectations on my part for anything more than friendship and sex are gone, so what should my expectations be for an FWB arrangement? What does FWB typically look like for everyone else?

[stillafool]

Eventually I'm sure we will both meet other people & have relationships with them and we agreed to let the other know if we met someone or wanted to start meeting others.

 

I think he is acting like a FWB but you want more. I thought FWB contact you when they want sex and if you're available, want it too, then it's on. Otherwise they don't want to do the relationship thing of being in contact daily, etc. It sounds like you want a relationship with him at this point. Why don't you consider meeting another man and entering into the relationship that you want. I doubt this guy will give you more because he sees you as a FWB.

[SomwhereOutThere]

That's just the thing, I don't think he is even acting like a FWB. I don't want to date him, I just want to be friends and have sex. I haven't seen him in over a month, I'm not getting any, so where are the benefits?! I don't want to be the one always reaching out to him for it. Before I start looking somewhere else I wanted to see what other peoples' idea of FWB is as far as frequency and effort.

[Montgomery Burns]

I met a guy about 14 months ago (alias: Brandon) & we dated a few months, unsuccessfully. He broke it off last April, saying he doesn't have time to be in a relationship, he's not good at it, blah blah. Ok fine. However, we stayed in contact almost every day and continue to sleep together from time to time. The routine is, he comes over really late after he's done doing whatever he had to do, we talk for a couple hours, have sex, he spends the night and we leave to go to work in the morning. (A couple times we didn't have sex for whatever reason, probably one of us was too tired.) Once in a great while we actually do something during the daytime: go out to eat, watch a movie, museum, etc.

 

 

Once we got past the point of having some kind of status, things seemed to get easier as far as communication and openness. I got to the point where I'm ok with not having a status or dating expectations. I care about him but I know a real relationship won't work and I'm ok with being FWB with him. Eventually I'm sure we will both meet other people & have relationships with them and we agreed to let the other know if we met someone or wanted to start meeting others.

 

 

I've had FWB arrangements in the past with others where we contacted each other regularly and saw each other at what I consider an acceptable frequency. With Brandon, sometimes he answers my texts quickly but sometimes he takes hours....10,12,24 hours, etc. (Let's just assume he's not married & doesn't have a gf or other person. I have been presented with no reason to think so and the usual signs of that aren't there.) He's a busy guy and has many obligations which include his family, work, church, recording music, and helping people with various things (errands, cars breaking down, what have you.) He pays for this busy lifestyle with health problems and always being tired, but he likes staying busy. From time to time he drops off the radar and I don't hear from him for days. We care about each other and the sex is awesome but I get tired of feeling like the one putting in most of the effort to stay in touch and initiate things because he's too busy. It makes me feel like I'm an afterthought and the last thing on his mind. Even my platonic friends of both sexes put more effort into our friendships than he does.

 

So basically he has a girl who is willing to engage in a FWB arrangement with no strings, someone who doesn't expect him to come over or call every day or ask him for help with anything like the rest of the people in his world. But he acts like a human cat, someone who comes and goes as he pleases, when he wants. When he can fit me in, it seems. Can you really be too busy to go hang out with your FWB more than once or twice a month when you don't live that far apart and there's no pressure for it to be any more than what it is? He has a standard 9-5 job like me, it's not like he travels for work or has kids.

 

One might argue that he's just not that into me but if that's true, why engage with me at all, why not just ignore me altogether, or tell me he can only see me once a week/month/whatever, or just say goodbye altogether? He doesn't only contact me for sex and we don't always have sex when we do hang out. If it's just a matter of convenience for him, he either has a low sex drive when I'm not around or just isn't into me. But he sure doesn't act like he isn't, when we're together. He's not terribly open either, so it's hard to talk to him about this stuff without him thinking I'm starting an argument or uncomfortable discussion.

 

The expectations on my part for anything more than friendship and sex are gone, so what should my expectations be for an FWB arrangement? What does FWB typically look like for everyone else?

 

He probably has a new FWB. Get one yourself too!

[SomwhereOutThere]

Proof that people don't really read these things.

[prlncess]

To be honest, the FWB arrangement would be different for everyone, dependent on their situation such as age, social status, stage in life, etc.

 

But for me, the first time where i had a fwb was in my first year of university, (I am beginning my second year now).

At that time i hoped that i would be able to see him once a week or even more than once, since we were exclusive. But really deep down in my heart i wished that we would become something more, which it did, but it's not really working out now.

We were both studying at the same university, which made it easier to meet up.

 

Really this all depends on many different factors, but in your situation i do not think it is worth it to pursue your current fwb relationship further, you will be better off, happier and more fulfilled if you find someone new.

[jen1447]

The expectations on my part for anything more than friendship and sex are gone, so what should my expectations be for an FWB arrangement? What does FWB typically look like for everyone else?

 

I haven't seen him in over a month,

 

Hm, except for the not seeing him for over a month thing, this actually sounds like part-time BF/GF, not FWB.

 

Ppl get confused about this stuff being about time spent. It is to some extent, but it's also about the nature of the time spent, and what you describe is stuff BF/GFs do. Only some of the time.

 

F-buddies are generally only about sex, FWBs are about palling around to some extent and having sex, and BF/GF have the romance and care and all that. Part-time BF/GFs do that part-time. It's uncommon bc usually ppl aren't satisfied w/that if they're going out that far, but it does happen.

 

It sounds like it's happening in this case on his terms tho, not yours. I don't want to demonize the guy but just off the cuff, what's not to like? He gets sex when he wants it and he gets to play feelings when he needs that too, only w/out any of the standard obligations bc the relationship is poorly defined and flying under the FWB banner.

 

Anyway I'm not sure exactly what you should do but it'll help to understand exactly what this thing is. When we start from inaccurate terms and/or assumptions, it's easy to go down the wrong road looking for fixes. My initial thought is for you to start acting like an actual FWB or get him to start acting like an actual BF.

[stillafool]

That's just the thing, I don't think he is even acting like a FWB. I don't want to date him, I just want to be friends and have sex. I haven't seen him in over a month, I'm not getting any, so where are the benefits?! I don't want to be the one always reaching out to him for it. Before I start looking somewhere else I wanted to see what other peoples' idea of FWB is as far as frequency and effort.

 

You are not his only FWB. This guy is having a ball playing the field. It seems like a lot of women are confusing the role of FWB lately. It's almost as if you are forcing a relationship whether it's been agreed upon or not. OP, start seeing other men too.