Once a cheater, always a cheater ???

[Kwila]

I've met a guy who admitted cheating on his ex wife when they were married. This was 20+ years ago. Said he was young and he's never done it since and would never consider it again.

What's every ones thoughts, is the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" true? Love to get some guys opinions on this. Think the guy's being real honest and brave admitting it in the first place.

[brothers343]

You do have to give the guy credit for admitting what he did but he was young and people do change as time passes by. I know I have. Some change for the good and some for the bad. You just might have to see for yourself and everyone needs a second chance once in while. Who is stay that you might find a great person in this guy and your judging him on what happened 20 years ago.

[S2B]

Not always.

 

But many times, yes.

[Kwila]

Thanks brothers343, not judging, keeping open mind. As you say, got to give him credit for admitting it in the first place.

Curious to see peoples thoughts, especially from guys who have done similar and if the option is honestly there not to do it again.

[KatZee]

It's not a 100% guarantee that if someone cheats once they'll do it again, but odds are if a guy has cheated more than once, he's not going to stop.

 

Some guys genuinely feel guilt and remorse and vow never to do it again, but honestly, I stop trusting guys that cheat once, so it doesn't even matter what they say.

 

Years ago when I was young and naive, my boyfriend cheated on me. He came clean like 2 years after it happened. I stupidly decided to stay with him. He said all the right things, about how he regretted it so much and felt so much guilt and could never do it again. I "gave him credit" for coming clean.

 

Too bad he DID do it again. Cheating shows a lack of morals, lack of impulse control, lack of boundaries, lack of respect. Do it once, and it's over.

[Woggle]

People can change but it takes a long period of soul searching and introspection to do it.

[carhill]

He always will have been unfaithful and deceptive. That's a permanent part of his life history. Do those words describe him today? Only he knows. None of us can read his mind. Will he cheat again? No idea. Can't predict the future. Stick to your boundaries and accept that the relationship is voluntary and contains risks as all relationships do.

[Popsicle]

I DON'T believe it's true but with several qualifiers:

 

1) The former cheater is not a serial cheater, and serial cheaters follow certain patterns that identify them and would take another thread to describe.

 

2) The former cheater is not in the same relationship he/she was when they cheated. Some relationships are just stuck or poisoned and bring out the worst in people.

 

3) The former cheater expresses remorse for what they did in very clear terms and makes it clear that they have thought about WHY they did it then and how they can avoid that trap in the future.

 

All that said, if it were MY man who cheated on ME, I would leave him immediately. The relationship is tainted beyond repair. But someone who has done it in the past with someone else, but can satisfy me with those qualifiers, I might give him a shot.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Popsicle

[Kwila]

I DON'T believe it's true but with several qualifiers:

 

1) The former cheater is not a serial cheater, and serial cheaters follow certain patterns that identify them and would take another thread to describe.

 

2) The former cheater is not in the same relationship he/she was when they cheated. Some relationships are just stuck or poisoned and bring out the worst in people.

 

3) The former cheater expresses remorse for what they did in very clear terms and makes it clear that they have thought about WHY they did it then and how they can avoid that trap in the future.

 

All that said, if it were MY man who cheated on ME, I would leave him immediately. The relationship is tainted beyond repair. But someone who has done it in the past with someone else, but can satisfy me with those qualifiers, I might give him a shot.

 

 

Thanks Popsicle, I do agree with you on this. Yes if it happened to me, he'd be gone no question but as it wasn't and was a long time ago in a whole different world I don't feel it'd be fair to judge him, guess the worst it can do is plant the seed of doubt regarding trust.

[Leucine]

Nope. I have cheated, but wouldn't do it again because at this point I wouldn't enter/be in a committed relationship with a person that I didn't care enough about to be faithful to when I see another hot piece of ass somewhere.

 

If they've admitted that it was a mistake and learnt from it, then it should be ok. It's also a very bold move to admit it because not everyone believes that people are able to change, and will turn it into a lose-lose situation when they hold your past against you no matter how you handle it.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Leucine

[Space Ritual]

I don't necessarily think the saying applies 100 percent of the time.

 

All people have the capacity for change, just as much as they do for cheating or doing evil. Although I have never cheated on anyone ever, I am human. Thus I have the capacity to cheat, lie, steal, hurt, kill or maim. Just as i have the capacity to love, be honest, be forthcoming, and do good things. We all have the capacity for both.

 

Some people are able to do the necessary hard work on themselves that they probably need in order to ultimately be a safe partner for somebody else in a relationship,even if they have cheated before.

 

The hard part is actually doing the work. For many, all too often it is simply too daunting of a task. Since we live in a world of inexact outcomes, it is easier for many to simply not do the work necessary in order to change,especially if there are no guarantees.

 

Generally those who do the hard work have suffered some major consequences for their actions. Most,but perhaps not all. Some may simply realize the hurt they have inflicted on another and have a complete turnaround. However, if someone has been able to emerge from it personally unscathed, it does not provide the same incentive that someone who has suffered loss as a result of it.

 

People can pay all the lipservice to the issue all they want, and say they would never cheat or will never cheat again. But if they have been relatively consequence free there is no reason for them to change their behaviors.

[Glitters]

Words are cheap. It's the actions that count.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not going to condemn a 30 year old person who cheated on their HS SO. However for this guy to tell you he was young & dumb as an excuse for cheating on his WIFE is ridiculous. Even if he now understands that cheating is wrong, he's still a liar because he continues to make excuses. If he was old enough to get married, he was old enough to know right from wrong. His excuse of immaturity doesn't fly with me under the circumstances he describes. The fact that he may truly believe what he's telling you, indicates to me that he's delusional which makes he undesirable as a partner imo.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't know the answer to this question but what I do know is that I wouldn't want to be with someone who gives me cause to look over my shoulder and wonder if he or isn't he all the time. Because that's exactly what will happen the moment things get tough or challenging between the two of you.

 

Kudos for him being honest about it but I'd be lying if I didn't say hearing this revelation wouldn't change the overall dynamic between us moving forward.

 

Is that what you want?

 

Good luck.

[Alamo657]

I would tend to say yes, once a cheater always a cheater, until your degrading looks (for women) or lack of money (for men) make it impossible for you to cheat.

i think the compulsive cheater needs to fill a void in their soul, by seducing, or being seduced.

 

But i also believe that you can learn from your mistakes, slowly, overtime, and realize that it's better to cultivate your relationship than to abandon it and blame your partner.

[road]

While not 100% though past behavior is a good indication of future behavior.

[Spectre]

See this is what sometimes bothers me. People have become so jaded about relationships that honesty seems to be rewarded. For me it should be a natural thing. You shouldn't get points for honesty no more then should be be praised for flushing the toilet after you go to the bathroom. It should just be a thing you do automatically.

 

Anyways I personally wouldn't want to be with a former cheater no matter how long ago it was. But I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating and even worse he was married and cheated. I don't find "being young" an excuse. Some people on this board do, but I do not.

 

Here is the blunt truth of the issue: a person might not be once a cheater always a cheater, but the fact they cheated in the past and especially if they were married..would have a lot of people looking over their shoulder.

[royposh]

I've met a guy who admitted cheating on his ex wife when they were married. This was 20+ years ago. Said he was young and he's never done it since and would never consider it again.

What's every ones thoughts, is the old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" true? Love to get some guys opinions on this. Think the guy's being real honest and brave admitting it in the first place.

 

be glad he even told you in the first place nd try trusting him nd see how it goes

[Omei]

:(I personally wouldnt date a known cheater esp if I knew a guy cheated on his wife there would be no way id ever consider myself the special exception and take a chance with a guy like that not when they're so many non cheaters out there. This man asked a woman to spend his life with him then cheated its obviously in his character and hes able no matter what "he's able" mentally.

[Glibous]

Some people learn from their mistakes, some people keep making the same mistake over and over.

 

I have cheated once, and would never do it again. Everyone has moments in their life that they do things they never thought they would do. Good or Bad.

 

Cheating feels like a stain on my soul. If asked I would be honest because I know to myself I would never do it again. Also, lying takes too much energy and I have no fears of being honest...it's just easier.

 

No matter how bad your relationship gets, cheating will not solve anything. Talking is the best solution. If that isn't enough. End it.

 

I learned the hard way staying in a relationship when there are problems only leaves the opportunity for one person to make things a whole lot worse.

[Amelie1980]

In the case of the Op. Who knows. It was 20 years ago and he says he has never done it again but who really knows.

 

I didnt trust my judgment with a guy a while back and it hurts me even now.

 

He was very upfront and honest about it. On his dating profile it said that he had been unfaithful in a dead relationship. Another question he had answered was "is it ever acceptable to cheat on someone you date" I put no. But he put it is understandable sometimes but indicates you arent dating the right person. I thought that was questionable.

 

he seemed really sweet on the dates though. But at the time i quizzed him on his infidelity....he just said he felt the relationship has run its course....that happens. But he didnt have the guts to end it and just started sleeping around until she found out and was very upset. She had no idea there was a problem. He didnt seem one single bit remorseful.

 

While we were dating I got the impression he might be dating others. Then when he ended it over "work stress" I found out later he had overlapped and dumped me for someone else.

 

I was apart from him for a year. Dated someone else which I ended and we got back in touch with cheating guy. Just friendly. He eventually asked if I was single and he said he was so we just saw each other casually. Long story short...I found out he was back with an ex when he met me again and was cheating on her. So that is the second major gf he has cheated on. I didnt know about this for many months. When they broke up again he was more attentive to me and saw me more often and spoke of a future together. I had no idea he had been with an ex and so when he showed more interest in me, I thoguht it meant he was starting to like me alot more.

 

It all ended in tears when I realized he was slepping around and he eventually ended it for a new gf. he had been lying to me that we would have a future together..he said it to keep me there whilst he looked for a gf.

 

What I came to understand about his character is this.

 

he has had two major relationships both of which have ended up with him cheating.

 

he always seems to keep ex gfs around and keeps them on facebook. He said to me he doesnt like being single. When a relationship ends he doesnt wait, he goes straight out and looks for someone else straight away. he goes out and finds someone to have sex with when a relationship ends while looking for someone else new. So he never learns from his mistakes, he just goes out and gets involved with someone new.

 

He seems to be obsessed with finding a gf and then he doesn't stay faithful.

 

He is into a lot of kinky stuff which I wont go into here.

 

He has done a couple of things that horrified me whilst we were together....he has very bad moods and once i was feeling unwell at his condo and he treated me very coldly. he went into a mood and acted like i was being an inconvenience to him.

 

he is basically never single, even between relationships he has sex buddies. he keeps exes around and has loads of female friends.

 

I am sad he now has a gf and seems happy with her. is she really going to be the exception though? Can any one woman make him stop doing that? Or is it a matter of time.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Amelie1980