Insight on a Soap Opera

[rarasama]

First i'll start off saying - i never, ever, in a million years - thought i'd post here. I haven't been involved in a forum since I was 16. But I need some serious insight on dealing with this because I find it highly unusual. At least, for me it is.

 

Wish I could tell the whole story here, but it'd be too long. So i'll try to shorten best I can.

 

_____

 

I fell into an affair last year, four months, with a man i semi-work with. Our jobs are related, integrated but separate, so I see him often. Just not in the same office every day. He chased me - I wasn't even trying - and no one even knew he was married. Imagine my surprise when he blabbed that mid first time he'd kissed me.

 

Yes, I tried sending him home. Asked him to go buy her roses - not sure she ever got them. Took all the strength in the world getting him to leave and stop kissing my forehead. But he was relentless. Snuck a kiss on my porch one day, and I finally caved.

 

Anyways. He was crazy about me. Wasn't in it just go 'get some', only reason I couldn't shake myself out of it. Sometimes we'd be happy just driving around holding hands, for work duties. It was hard. He became my best friend, and relayed some legitimately concerning things about his marriage (some which I got to see first hand). i.e. living with his in-laws for all 5 years he was married. He wanted to leave, she didn't want to pay rent. For starters.

 

Long story short. Things came to a head, and things ended - but without any discussion about it. I got left there like i'd meant nothing. I TRIED to talk about it - but nada. I wanted to handle things professionally and maturely, considering I see him around quite a bit. He basically avoided the subject for a whole year - bits and pieces responded to here and there, but otherwise, not a word.

 

Stung even more that his parents think the world of me still - They know what happened and I figure they'd hate me, but they've very caring and thoughtful. We don't talk about anything, but they came and fixed my screens when my apartment got broken into (offered), and even brought back a present for me from their trip home to Brazil.

 

Oh, the secrets all summer ... everyone at the office thought he was getting divorced or separated, because no one knew his wife even existed - a boss blurted it out - 'he's finding a place with his wife so he's closer to work!' . Everyone's jaw dropped (except mine). Quite validating, actually. Nonetheless, hasn't mentioned her since, and no one knows anything about her, or what she looks like. Not even her name.

 

So, we finally talked - finally got on the same page. Really threw him off guard when i'd told him I wasn't asking for a relationship and never planned to - i'd only wanted to believe he was a good person. It genuinely upset him i'd been questioning his character and his integrity this whole time. And he made efforts to fix things, and apologized, and for some reason cares what I think about him. Things have improved.

 

 

.......until, you know, randomly mentioning around New Years' she's 7 months pregnant.

 

 

...yup.

 

 

So, to shorten, here are my concerns stemming from this, and/or items i'd love some real insight on.

 

 

____

 

1. He's acting like he's hiding me again. Even though we aren't doing anything. Why? NO IDEA.

 

Nothing's happened since. She's literally got the ULTIMATE ASSURANCE he aint going nowhere (got pregnant 6 MONTHS after ending it). To an extent I understand, obviously, but while he says she 'found out', he 'doesn't know what she knows'. Only mentioned she'd seen 'texts' or something.

 

Emails are constantly monitored again - to 'help him with paperwork' (yeah, right), so I can't email about anything other than literal black-and-white WORK. Not even ask how he's doing, or mention my mom's sick. Texting's fine, since he's got a new phone in HIS name now, so that's private. But I still get '5 minute warnings' before he gets home, if texting ABOUT WORK.

 

.....and he was afraid to sign a christmas card. Next to his parents' names. With a christmas present they got me. His response why? - "I try not to leave my name around in case she comes back, or i'll get into trouble."

 

.....anyone else find that pointless if she's coming to find me in the first place? Leading me to:

 

 

2. She tried visiting my office "10 months ago". She just told him recently. But weird thing, she told him we'd 'been closed' when in fact, we were open. And it was 8 months ago she came in - not 10. I remember her.

 

I recognized her voice from the time she'd called me - he'd given me her number in case she did, but ID said 'unknown', so I picked up. This day in particular - she came to ME directly (versus the other woman I work with, clearly knew what I looked like), asked a question, and left. That's it. Then a month later she was pregnant.

 

 

3. He keeps randomly insisting he 'really did like me' and 'didn't use me'. More specifically AFTER relaying the Pregnancy bomb - two steps forward, ten steps back. Not to mention I'm not making accusations when he brings that stuff up.

 

Furthermore - he keeps explaining why he 'ended it' - LOGISTICALLY. i.e. 'wasn't working two jobs anymore, didn't make sense leaving early and coming home late', 'i was getting in trouble, she was following me around', 'they were calling my parents', etc. Except I never asked that - never needed to. The answer should have - and by now thought WOULD have been - "i love her and can't hurt her anymore". That'd make the most sense to me. Hence I never asked.

 

 

_____

 

So. Yeah. That's my life. I can't exactly google this stuff too easily, but as I said, ANY insight on this thing's appreciated. Feels like a soap opera - and very backwards.

Edited January 10, 2016 by rarasama
missed part of it

[whichwayisup]

Don't compete with a baby on the way. He also is not a 'nice' guy, he is scummy and a cheater. Let him go, even though you love him he isn't yours. End it with him completely, no friendship, no contact and if you need to deal with him keep it professional and business like from now on in the office. NO personal discussions or chats.

[rarasama]

Oh, dont worry, i'm not competing. At ALL - that's my whole point, really. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this and deal with appropriately.

 

If i'd go completely 'no contact' I would - but I literally CAN'T. If I do, my job doesn't get done, and i've established a reptutation here. If anyone's going to leave, he can do it. I live here. Not him.

[minimariah]

He became my best friend, and relayed some legitimately concerning things about his marriage (some which I got to see first hand). i.e. living with his in-laws for all 5 years he was married. He wanted to leave, she didn't want to pay rent. For starters.

 

in what way is this legitimately concerning...? do you really think living with his inlaws (that he consciously moved in with) is damaging to his marriage OR does it look like an excuse? what are other legitimately concerning things about his MARRIAGE - not his inlaws?

 

I got left there like i'd meant nothing. I TRIED to talk about it - but nada.

 

it's super sad how often this happens -- MMs throw their OWs under the bus without a word. & they come back when the coast is clear.

 

ALSO typical for a cheater to be offended when you question his integrity -- dude is clearly ashamed of his wife (no one even knows she exists), cheats on her but does not want to leave when he had a CLEAR situation to do so (no baby) and THEN... digs himself a grave by getting the wife pregnant.

 

it's ego, mostly. and he probably did fell in love with you and felt something for you -- but does that really matter seeing how he isn't even strong to make sure the wife doesn't fall pregnant, let alone to go after you?

 

He's acting like he's hiding me again. Even though we aren't doing anything. Why? NO IDEA.

 

he is hiding you -- probably because he told his wife he'd have no contact with you. might have even told her he doesn't work with you anymore. so it's probably because of all the lies he told his wife.

 

She's literally got the ULTIMATE ASSURANCE he aint going nowhere (got pregnant 6 MONTHS after ending it).

 

not an assurance at all.

 

To an extent I understand, obviously, but while he says she 'found out', he 'doesn't know what she knows'. Only mentioned she'd seen 'texts' or something.

 

this means he gaslights the hell out of her and she probably has no idea what REALLY went on.

 

Emails are constantly monitored again - to 'help him with paperwork' (yeah, right), so I can't email about anything other than literal black-and-white WORK.

 

and why would you anyway?

you had an affair with this man... unless you're trying to restart it - the only thing you should contact him about is work.

 

everything else is delusion that leads to an affair - again.

 

He keeps randomly insisting he 'really did like me' and 'didn't use me'.

 

tries to ease his guilt + ego = wants to convince himself and you that he is, indeed, a good person.

 

More specifically AFTER relaying the Pregnancy bomb - two steps forward, ten steps back.

 

him telling you he really liked you is NOT a step forward in any way - it is most definitely a step back.

 

what do you have from him liking you or being crazy about you? he went and made a baby.

 

The answer should have - and by now thought WOULD have been - "i love her and can't hurt her anymore". That'd make the most sense to me.

 

really...? he hides her and cheats on her -- and you honestly think he loves her? he doesn't. on this situation -- he loves himself the most, than the comfort of his normal life than maybe you (even though it honestly doesn't look like it from the way he keeps trying to covince you in that & from the way

 

Feels like a soap opera - and very backwards.

 

you should cut contact and make it STRICTLY professional and business. i'd suggest changing jobs but you mentioned that wasn't an option, so...

 

not sure why didn't you cut contact fully -- in fact, i'm kind of baffled that you even THINM about him & question his behavior STILL.

 

he seems like a huge douche (i'm not saying this because he cheated - but because of the especially sleazy way he went about it) + does and says things typically cheaters do... and managed to get a baby into the entire mess. which he told you about - 7 MONTHS IN.

 

why are you still thinking about him? what is it that makes you attracted to this man any longer?

 

p.s. keep in mind that he lied & gaslighted his wife -- there is a certain air of animosity palpable towards his wife from you... you don't know what HE told her or how HE acts behind he closed doors.

 

his parents gifting you and keeping contact with you after they found out about the affair is a bad thing for their marriage -- means the wife probably doesn't have their support. they cannot possibly looking after her and having her back while treating their son's mistress.

 

so the wife is in a really awful situation now + PREGNANT. keep it in mind.

 

p.p.s. what question did she ask you when she came in? she knew what you look like -- how? do you think je exposed you to her?

[anika99]

Oh, dont worry, i'm not competing. At ALL - that's my whole point, really. I'm just trying to wrap my head around this and deal with appropriately.

 

If i'd go completely 'no contact' I would - but I literally CAN'T. If I do, my job doesn't get done, and i've established a reptutation here. If anyone's going to leave, he can do it. I live here. Not him.

 

Well then why care that you can't email him about anything not work related or that he didn't sign your Xmas card? You may not be able to go total no contact but you don't need to be talking to him about anything not directly related to work.

 

Of course he is a man of poor character and lousy integrity. He cheated on his wife and then wouldn't come clean when she became suspicious, instead he lied and made her doubt herself and he is lying to her until this day. Then he impregnated her (why do OW always think wives get themselves pregnant) without letting her know the truth of her life and her marriage. Furthermore he relentlessly pursued you when he knew he really had nothing to offer you? If he cared about you then why didn't he think you deserved better than that? Why didn't he think you were worth more than being some cheating guys hidden girlfriend?

 

He is selfish and cares only about what is good for him. Your relationship with his parents is weird and a good indication of where he got his poor boundaries. They also seem to have no respect for marriage and honesty. They think it's fine for their son to deceive his wife and to use an OW. Sounds like a very screwed up family. Living with in-laws may be an legitimate concern but it's not a legitimate reason to cheat. If he handles those kinds of problems by sneaking around and getting an OW then that's another indication of his crappy integrity. He is married, his wife is pregnant and that's the way it is. Don't worry about emails and cards. Treat him professionally at work but block him from your personal life.

[goodyblue]

Well then why care that you can't email him about anything not work related or that he didn't sign your Xmas card? You may not be able to go total no contact but you don't need to be talking to him about anything not directly related to work.

 

Of course he is a man of poor character and lousy integrity. He cheated on his wife and then wouldn't come clean when she became suspicious, instead he lied and made her doubt herself and he is lying to her until this day. Then he impregnated her (why do OW always think wives get themselves pregnant) without letting her know the truth of her life and her marriage. Furthermore he relentlessly pursued you when he knew he really had nothing to offer you? If he cared about you then why didn't he think you deserved better than that? Why didn't he think you were worth more than being some cheating guys hidden girlfriend?

 

He is selfish and cares only about what is good for him. Your relationship with his parents is weird and a good indication of where he got his poor boundaries. They also seem to have no respect for marriage and honesty. They think it's fine for their son to deceive his wife and to use an OW. Sounds like a very screwed up family. Living with in-laws may be an legitimate concern but it's not a legitimate reason to cheat. If he handles those kinds of problems by sneaking around and getting an OW then that's another indication of his crappy integrity. He is married, his wife is pregnant and that's the way it is. Don't worry about emails and cards. Treat him professionally at work but block him from your personal life.

 

I stopped reading at ' why do OW always think wives get themselves merchant's because... wut?

 

I don't know any OW who has said that, and the ones I know who are in relationships are under no misconception that their MM may sleep with his wife. It is offensive when you generalise like that and it makes whatever point you had not matter.

[rarasama]

in what way is this legitimately concerning...? do you really think living with his inlaws (that he consciously moved in with) is damaging to his marriage OR does it look like an excuse? what are other legitimately concerning things about his MARRIAGE - not his inlaws?

 

Please keep in mind how hard it is to simplify this.

 

Legitimately concerning to HIM. I told him he really should talk to her if that's an issue. Said he tried.

 

Mind you i'm also very confused at the time, and men aren't my strong suit. The amount of men i've been with is less than a handful, and he treated me like he genuinely cared.

 

it's ego, mostly. and he probably did fell in love with you and felt something for you -- but does that really matter seeing how he isn't even strong to make sure the wife doesn't fall pregnant, let alone to go after you?

 

Err, so here's the OTHER weird thing - I overheard a conversation with him and my boss. They were talking about kids. Boss asked if he'd planned to have any and the response was '...no. Last i checked she couldn't have any.'

 

Also asked if he planned to 'adopt'. He said 'nope! not ready for that yet.'

 

I'd be more skeptical if that conversation had been with ME ... but it wasn't.

 

he is hiding you -- probably because he told his wife he'd have no contact with you. might have even told her he doesn't work with you anymore. so it's probably because of all the lies he told his wife.

 

That'd make sense to me, too ... except i'm a big reason he's gotten work and been able to build his business, period.

 

not an assurance at all.

 

Agreed - but not assurance to ME, assurance to her.

 

this means he gaslights the hell out of her and she probably has no idea what REALLY went on.

 

That's what i'm thinking.

 

and why would you anyway?

you had an affair with this man... unless you're trying to restart it - the only thing you should contact him about is work.

 

Okay, let me clarify - that's what I do. I'll give an example - when mentioned he'd gotten me the present too. I really didn't appreciate that, because it very obviously looked from his parents. So i emailed him asking why he'd pretend something like that, and that it wasn't appreciated.

 

Hence i found out the rest. And he'd asked me to please not send emails like that or he'd get into trouble.

 

him telling you he really liked you is NOT a step forward in any way - it is most definitely a step back.

 

I don't consider that a step forward. I consider it weird to randomly explain it when I never accused him of anything.

 

A step forward to me, is actually man up and apologize and properly DEAL with what happened rather than ignore it. It's not really awesome being stuck in a position where we both have to see each other around.

 

what do you have from him liking you or being crazy about you? he went and made a baby.

 

That's what i'm saying.

 

really...? he hides her and cheats on her -- and you honestly think he loves her? he doesn't.

 

Keep in mind if I said those words it'd be come off as 'biased'. What you say makes the most sense. I know love is confusing, obviously, but

 

on this situation -- he loves himself the most, than the comfort of his normal life than maybe you

 

I never said I thought he loved me. I don't tell myself stuff like that.

 

you should cut contact and make it STRICTLY professional and business. i'd suggest changing jobs but you mentioned that wasn't an option, so...

 

Done my best for that. I've worked hard to get where i'm at - i run an office, i've grown it, and we're small. Not giving that up, all my hard work and time. He can leave. I'm staying put.

 

not sure why didn't you cut contact fully -- in fact, i'm kind of baffled that you even THINM about him & question his behavior STILL.

 

I deal with things head on. The only reason I question anything about his behavior has nothing to do with 'knowing if he likes me'. That's dumb.

 

I question his behavior because if I have to work with him, i'd like to be prepared down the road and protect myself - not only from it ever happening again, but also from the side affects of the situation he's dealing with.

 

I know that my name will be permanently attached to every marriage problem he has, too. Sucks but, true. He's set his foot in a good place workingwise, but i'm the only reason he's now able to afford having a kid in the first place right now.

 

I'm not going to start over somewhere else when I was blessed enough to be given the opportunity I have been. He can go start over somewhere else. I'm not running away from what's most important to me just because of a guy. I'd be letting him have his cake and eat it too, again. Not happening.

 

p.s. keep in mind that he lied & gaslighted his wife -- there is a certain air of animosity palpable towards his wife from you... you don't know what HE told her or how HE acts behind he closed doors.

 

In agreement. Why i'm doubtful of things and validating my suspicions helps.

 

his parents gifting you and keeping contact with you after they found out about the affair is a bad thing for their marriage -- means the wife probably doesn't have their support.

 

I'm agreeing with that too. I don't think they mean it that way - they appreciate i've given them work, and honestly, I'm in a position where I could have completely destroyed the business and his life.

 

Basically could have gotten him blacklisted - but I chose to be the bigger person and didn't. Separate business from personal. Karma wins in the end and I know that.

 

they cannot possibly looking after her and having her back while treating their son's mistress.

 

Like I said, there were a lot of concerning things, some I witnessed myself. I'm just shortening. I don't know what's going on in their head, but I think they know their son, and understand the situation sucks. And that i'm not the instigator.

 

so the wife is in a really awful situation now + PREGNANT. keep it in mind.

 

I am. Part of the reason i'm posting here - is because i'm keeping that in mind.

 

p.p.s. what question did she ask you when she came in? she knew what you look like -- how? do you think je exposed you to her?

 

She asked if we had any one beds for $1200 available. Said no, she left.

 

Work emails. Find my name, google it, voila. Knows what I look like. And also where I live, invoices from jobs done a while ago. My job title and work location is in my email signature.

 

And I should also mention both my office and apartment were broken into this year, for the first time in 15-20 years. Before I was around obviously, but still.

[rarasama]

Well then why care that you can't email him about anything not work related or that he didn't sign your Xmas card? You may not be able to go total no contact but you don't need to be talking to him about anything not directly related to work.

 

 

Talking factually, here. It's not about caring - i'm telling you what happened.

 

Of course he is a man of poor character and lousy integrity. He cheated on his wife and then wouldn't come clean when she became suspicious, instead he lied and made her doubt herself and he is lying to her until this day. Then he impregnated her (why do OW always think wives get themselves pregnant) without letting her know the truth of her life and her marriage.

Yep. Unless I have to confront him or call him out about something stupid. I don't let people get away with it.

 

Think he's afraid of her, honestly, but that's just me. Trying not to be biased or think like that best I can. I also never said I thought she impregnated herself - it's just weird he'd go tell my boss she couldn't have kids. (not me, someone else. I overheard the conversation).

 

Furthermore he relentlessly pursued you when he knew he really had nothing to offer you? If he cared about you then why didn't he think you deserved better than that? Why didn't he think you were worth more than being some cheating guys hidden girlfriend?

Agreed.

 

He is selfish and cares only about what is good for him. Your relationship with his parents is weird and a good indication of where he got his poor boundaries. They also seem to have no respect for marriage and honesty. They think it's fine for their son to deceive his wife and to use an OW.

 

I don't think they think that's 'fine' at all, honestly. I think they know more than they're saying, and I think they know their son.

 

Living with in-laws may be an legitimate concern but it's not a legitimate reason to cheat.

Agreed. He can't be passive if there's an issue. Told him I didn't appreciate being turned into a medicine tablet.

 

If he handles those kinds of problems by sneaking around and getting an OW then that's another indication of his crappy integrity. He is married, his wife is pregnant and that's the way it is.

Yup. I know.

 

Don't worry about emails and cards. Treat him professionally at work but block him from your personal life.

To clarify - i'm not worried about a card. I'm worried about the fact he's concerned to leave his name there. They live an hour away. If he's afraid to leave his name, he's concerned she'll come back. That's the point i'm getting at.

Edited January 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote formatting ~6

[sandylee1]

I would be very concerned if my parents in law were friendly with the OW. Do they know you had affair with him or does he say you're just a friend?

 

She didn't impregnate herself. .. and having a baby is absolutely no guarantee of keeping a man. You say this like she trapped him into staying. Before the baby did he ever tell you he'd leave her?

 

You need to keep it professional with him from now on.

Of course his wife is monitoring his emails...loosing privacy is a consequence of infidelity.

 

If he wanted to leave her.. he would do.

 

Focus on your career and leave him and his wife to concentrate on their marriage and try and repair and rebuild trust. It seems like he's trying not to hurt his wife any more than he already has.

[Popsicle]

It sounds to me that this guy is trying to do what he thinks is the right thing and stop the A be with his wife. Why are you two still talking like friends or whatever? You can't be friends. Being friends is just an exercise in you both trying to hold onto something from the A. It is still cheating really and will be painful for you, I promise. Just keep everything professional and only speak to him at work and only about work.

Edited January 10, 2016 by Popsicle

[anika99]

I stopped reading at ' why do OW always think wives get themselves merchant's because... wut?

 

I don't know any OW who has said that, and the ones I know who are in relationships are under no misconception that their MM may sleep with his wife. It is offensive when you generalise like that and it makes whatever point you had not matter.

 

You are correct. I should not have generalized. I didn't say all OW do this but perhaps I should have clarified by saying "some". However I have seen many OW talk about the BW getting pregnant just to trap the MM, as though it was some evil diabolical trap, as if the MM had no participation.

[S2B]

But now you know... And you are still thinking about him.

 

Why?

 

Why not just cut all ways of dealing with him and move forward knowing he's a complete jerk?

 

Change jobs and/or move if that helps you.

[goodyblue]

You are correct. I should not have generalized. I didn't say all OW do this but perhaps I should have clarified by saying "some". However I have seen many OW talk about the BW getting pregnant just to trap the MM, as though it was some evil diabolical trap, as if the MM had no participation.

 

Lol. Yeah, I still don't agree. I don't think OW believe a wife gets pregnant by herself. It may piss off the OW because she was perhaps lied to by her MM but the majority know sex with MM and his wife is a possibility.

 

Beyond this... I think this dude wants to go back to his life and OP should step aside. JMO

[sandylee1]

You are correct. I should not have generalized. I didn't say all OW do this but perhaps I should have clarified by saying "some". However I have seen many OW talk about the BW getting pregnant just to trap the MM, as though it was some evil diabolical trap, as if the MM had no participation.

 

I agree with you Anika. Some OW do think this..... especially when the wife gets pregnant after a dday. The OP is not the only OW to think this way. Especially as many believe MM doesn't sleep with his wife and they are like room mates.

[rarasama]

I would be very concerned if my parents in law were friendly with the OW. Do they know you had affair with him or does he say you're just a friend?

 

Far as I know, they know something happened. But far as I can tell, his parents and work life are completely separate from married life.

 

She didn't impregnate herself. .. and having a baby is absolutely no guarantee of keeping a man. You say this like she trapped him into staying.

 

No, I was talking factually. I never said she 'impregnated herself'. I think it may have been unexpected.

 

And I agree. Babies are never a way to keep a man. Some try to do that, unfortunately - i'm not saying SHE would. But it doesn't matter. He's about to be a dad, so he has no choice but to be responsible and attentive, and make things right. And pay the bills. Ultimate Assurance - he HAS to deal with it.

 

Before the baby did he ever tell you he'd leave her?

 

I didn't ask him to, nor expect him to. I told him i'd respect whatever decision he made, and simply put, I was confused and didn't know what to do. I'd never been treated so well or cared about so much, ironically.

 

But that's what happens when you've only had bad experiences with men. All to which he knew I had. And he knew i'm selective, and have only been intimate with less than - less than - a handful of people. I really do have standards.

 

You need to keep it professional with him from now on.

 

Yes, I do.

 

Of course his wife is monitoring his emails...loosing privacy is a consequence of infidelity.

 

Well, that's what I said.

 

If he wanted to leave her.. he would do.

 

Agreed. I never asked him to, like I said - I was just too confused and didn't know what to do at the time. All i expected in return was a respectful discussion about it, because I didn't ask for any of the drama following suit. I want to keep things civil and not- dramatic in the workplace, and if he's got to be around, he needs to deal with it too.

 

And be thankful i'm not some crazy girl who'd completely ruin his life for a vengeance.

 

It seems like he's trying not to hurt his wife any more than he already has.

 

I do believe that. I WANT him to work on his marriage - but my well being in the workplace is important, too, not just his marriage. If he's too paranoid to leave his name on a card, he clearly thinks she's coming back. That's an hour out of her way.

 

Keep in mind I don't know this woman in person. How do I know she won't try to harm me? Right? Could be anything.

 

That's why I need insight - how do I know if this woman's going to hard me? Right? I don't know her. I worked too hard to be where I am, and if he's got any respect for her, he'll leave and start fresh elsewhere. It'd be cowardly of me to give up everything I have for a dumb guy. This is my home - not his - he can man up.

 

I need to make sure I protect myself - mentally and physically - wether she really does something or not.

Edited January 10, 2016 by rarasama

[rarasama]

It sounds to me that this guy is trying to do what he thinks is the right thing and stop the A be with his wife. Why are you two still talking like friends or whatever?

 

I'm not. You're right, we can't be friends - i'm not trying to be. I'm being professional.

 

But i'm beginning to think he's trying to be. In a way. I'm not the one misunderstanding - I think he is. All i'm doing is trying to keep my workplace comfortable as possible, since it has to be this way.

 

And he'll have to be around even more now with a kid on the way. A lot of his work and his income's been connected with this office. I could easily ruin his life if the bosses find out. I'd be fine - i'm like a daughter to them, they care about me. A lot. I didn't let him get away with it, I just chose to be the bigger person.

 

Being friends is just an exercise in you both trying to hold onto something from the A. It is still cheating really and will be painful for you, I promise.

 

It's not easy. I'm the one letting go, actually - I don't chase men down. Ever. I'm not desperate. The fact he'd thought I would ask for a relationship kind of insulted me, actually. Big blow to the ego there hearing the opposite.

 

I'm not necessarily holding on - that's him. I'm preparing for the unexpected, because I don't know what's coming and I need to protect myself from all angles. My office, my home, my well being comes first.

[rarasama]

But now you know... And you are still thinking about him. Why?

 

Because I have to deal with life. Not run away from it. He's around, this is happening, it's real. So i need to deal with it.

 

Why not just cut all ways of dealing with him and move forward knowing he's a complete jerk?

 

Because I have to work with him. I could expose his secret and make him completely broke and destroy his business if I wanted to. But i'd rather be the bigger person. He has to make decisions for himself.

 

Change jobs and/or move if that helps you.

 

Because that is cowardly. Why should I give up my whole life, everything i've built and worked so hard for - because of a guy? Giving up just enables him. My hard work and energy shouldn't be handed off to someone else so can thrive on it.

[S2B]

But now you know... And you are still thinking about him. Why?

 

Because I have to deal with life. Not run away from it. He's around, this is happening, it's real. So i need to deal with it.

 

Why not just cut all ways of dealing with him and move forward knowing he's a complete jerk?

 

Because I have to work with him. I could expose his secret and make him completely broke and destroy his business if I wanted to. But i'd rather be the bigger person. He has to make decisions for himself.

 

Change jobs and/or move if that helps you.

 

Because that is cowardly. Why should I give up my whole life, everything i've built and worked so hard for - because of a guy? Giving up just enables him. My hard work and energy shouldn't be handed off to someone else so can thrive on it.

 

Huh?

 

I'd wish to take charge of my life, my future and my happiness... By removing everything and anything that is negative energy. That includes the guy and the job.

 

 

These are things you can change.

[minimariah]

Legitimately concerning to HIM. I told him he really should talk to her if that's an issue. Said he tried.

 

but that's the thing -- he TRIED talking o her about, let's assume she didn't want to listen or didn't take him seriously - at that point, he didn't have kids with her... so the situation was simple enough to leave. why didn't he?

 

when dealing with MM - do not be afraid to ask direct questions about the giant elephant in the room. address all the obvious issues & ask for direct answers -- at the end of the day... it at least helps both of you to grow as people.

 

Err, so here's the OTHER weird thing - I overheard a conversation with him and my boss. They were talking about kids. Boss asked if he'd planned to have any and the response was '...no. Last i checked she couldn't have any.'

 

let's be real here -- a man who doesn't want kids... will make sure he doesn't have any. as simple as that -- irresponsible ones ALWAYS blame the woman... as if vasectomy isn't reversible.

 

be aware of the man who blames the wife on "trapping" him with a child -- no such thing unless she had unprotected sex with herself. not even buying the "it's okay... i'm on pill/can't have kids" excuse -- it's exclusively on HIM to protect himself from unwanted pregnancy.

 

Agreed - but not assurance to ME, assurance to her.

 

you're probably wrong -- he will cheat on her again & they won't last as a couple... mark my words. their chances of making it through are super slim with so many issues.

 

this isn't about her anyway -- it is about YOU. do YOU want this kind of man? a man who hides so many facts about his life but isn't doing anything to change them at the same time?

 

Keep in mind if I said those words it'd be come off as 'biased'.

 

he doesn't love his wife -- it's not even because of the cheating... but HIDING her - he is ashamed of her; no one knows about her & the way he talks about her... he can't stand her in reality.

 

it's possible that he is or was in love with you -- but keep in mind that not every love is welcomed and healthy for you.

 

I question his behavior because if I have to work with him, i'd like to be prepared down the road and protect myself - not only from it ever happening again, but also from the side affects of the situation he's dealing with.

 

the best way you'll do it is to part ways with him professionally - can you move him to another office or something similar? i understand you not wanting to move - but moving isn't cowardly... that's self care.

 

i understand you not wanting to move and start over but from my experience - it's very hard working with your xMM. very hard. for now - you should cut contact with his parents completely... no contact at all. with him - ONLY business. this is the man who put YOU in danger, too - failed to protect your information. so keep that in mind.

Edited January 10, 2016 by minimariah

[rarasama]

Huh?

 

I'd wish to take charge of my life, my future and my happiness... By removing everything and anything that is negative energy. That includes the guy and the job.

 

 

These are things you can change.

 

So you're telling me to quit my job, give up everything I have, and move out of town so he can save his marriage? Seriously?

[William]

Folks, a couple things:

 

1. Thread starter, look at the post above your most recent one. That's how you quote and respond to member postings. Click on the 'quote' button and use the little picture of the quoted text in your response box to quote member's statements you are responding to. Otherwise, quotes and responses get messed up and, in this forum, moderation is often involved and it makes it a nightmare for us to clean up.

 

2. Looking at the topic, it appears the affair has been over for a year or more and this is residual clean up due to working together. Hence, we won't be revisiting the affair and doing a forensic analysis of it ad nauseum per usual, rather working in the here and now to move forward.

 

Once the thread starter has corrected their posts and submitted them to moderation via the 'alert us' link on those posts, we'll get things cleaned up and reopen the thread. In the meantime, they can review and digest the responses. Thanks!

Edited January 10, 2016 by William
is often, not if often