What do you consider to be effort in a friendship? Do friendships even require it?

[star platinum]

Someone told me that my view of effort in a friendship is distorted. So I wonder does friendship need effort? If so then what is it?

[privategal]

What is your view?

Do you feel they take effort?

[star platinum]

They said that me in general thinking that a friendship requires effort is distorted. In general they are not an intiator and they say a friendship is something you have to be comfortable in and they are ok with us rarely talking, so I dunno tbh

[TaraMaiden2]

I still don't understand what you mean.

What kind of friendship?

A relationship with a member of the opposite sex, or a companion of the same sex?

And what is your view?

Why is it distorted?

[star platinum]

In general/ any friendship what is considered making an effort?

and this person says my view of friendship is distorted because I think friendship requires effort.

[preraph]

She feels someone should be obligated to give her more attention than they're willing to give her. I remember the thread. They want space. She doesn't think that's okay. She thinks if she needs attention, they should have to give it to her.

 

Friendship is not a contract. Friends go in and out of your life. They are under no obligation to go by your needs or schedule if it's in contrast to their own. You just need someone who wants as much interaction as you do. Some friends are just casual occasional friends. They're not looking toward making you a life partner with commitments involved. They're in it as long as it's fun and interesting and they have the time for it.

[Skot02]

I think you just don't much as friends.

There are people who need friends who are close to them and make an effort to learn about its others life,spend time together etc

There are others who are more go with the flow and hang out whenever they remember.

I agree with your point of view, if I get what you re saying.

[xxoo]

When my friend is in need, I make an effort to be there. A visit, bringing a meal, helping move, watching a kid, etc.

 

Otherwise, no effort really. My friends are as busy as I am, and we just enjoy seeing each other when we can.

[BettyDraper]

They said that me in general thinking that a friendship requires effort is distorted. In general they are not an intiator and they say a friendship is something you have to be comfortable in and they are ok with us rarely talking, so I dunno tbh

 

If your friend is okay with rarely speaking to you and they think your perception of effort in a friendship is distorted, what they are trying to say is that you are too needy for their taste. Stop contacting this person and focus on yourself as well as building other friendship. Your friend will reach out when he or she wants to.

 

It's best to manage your expectations for friendship since we are all busy.

Remember that people make time for whatever is important to them. If you see that a friend is not too busy to see others but has no time to see you, it means that they are not as invested in the friendship as you are. You are also your own best friend as well.

 

I know many people and my friends serve different purposes in my life.

I don't expect them to talk to me or see me every week or even every month. We get together whenever we can. I chat with my friends via Facebook, text, on the phone and in person.

[SpiralOut]

They are telling you that friendship should feel like fun and not like an obligation. If someone puts in effort it should be because she wants to, not because someone has told her that she needs to.

[star platinum]

They are telling you that friendship should feel like fun and not like an obligation. If someone puts in effort it should be because she wants to, not because someone has told her that she needs to.

 

What do you define as effort?

[SpiralOut]

What do you define as effort?

 

Going out of your way to do something.

[star platinum]

She feels someone should be obligated to give her more attention than they're willing to give her. I remember the thread. They want space. She doesn't think that's okay. She thinks if she needs attention, they should have to give it to her.

 

Friendship is not a contract. Friends go in and out of your life. They are under no obligation to go by your needs or schedule if it's in contrast to their own. You just need someone who wants as much interaction as you do. Some friends are just casual occasional friends. They're not looking toward making you a life partner with commitments involved. They're in it as long as it's fun and interesting and they have the time for it.

 

I'm a guy btw

[SpiralOut]

Is this friend of yours male or female? How old are you all if you don't mind me asking?

[star platinum]

We are both highschool seniors 17-18 and they are female

[loverboy69]

Every relationship takes effort. Friendship, coworker, subordinate, lover, parent etc.

 

However how we define effort can vary wildly from person to person.

 

Although I have lots of friends, a huge family and plenty of people I'd call acquaintances, I'm generally an introvert by nature. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I love just spending time by myself.

 

In other words I'm not constantly seeking validation and I don't take it personal if my friends are not contacting me or messaging me daily. In fact it's less pressure for me if they don't.

 

The downside to this is that sometimes people accuse me of being aloof, cold or stuck up when I'm nothing of the sort.

[basil67]

I've got to be honest, the fact that you've made two threads about this in rapid succession makes me think that they see you as being needy and wanting more than they want to give.

 

They are telling you very clearly that they want a casual friendship. There is nothing wrong with them wanting this. If you don't accept what they are saying, they will ostracise you.

[star platinum]

I've got to be honest, the fact that you've made two threads about this in rapid succession makes me think that they see you as being needy and wanting more than they want to give.

 

They are telling you very clearly that they want a casual friendship. There is nothing wrong with them wanting this. If you don't accept what they are saying, they will ostracise you.

 

Yeah I am sorry about that but here's the thing: According to them, we are good friends rather than casual friends, so I am confused

[basil67]

Yeah I am sorry about that but here's the thing: According to them, we are good friends rather than casual friends, so I am confused

 

What this is called doesn't matter. The end result is the same - they find you to be high maintenance and want you to back off.

[star platinum]

I've started too. I didn't speak to them for like 3 weeks only once and now on the bus rides home I don't start conversations anymore.

[basil67]

It's really tough whe our friendship dynamics change. Do you have other friends you can hang out with?

[privategal]

I can tell you this...I think you need to quietly let this friendship die.

You don't really have to have the dramatics of saying goodbye, just quietly detach from it, put zero effort and begin not to think of it anymore.

Its hurtful to you, is effecting your self esteem and you aren't getting your needs met from it.

It is normal to greive the loss and not understand why you were close before and now its awkward and you wish you could stop the distance and talk and be normal.

Your friend just changed, it isn't personal. Some people don't need friends the same or value relationships the same.

Its ok to feel sad but Id let it go because the analyzing and questions dont help or bring closure...they just torture you.

You did nothing wrong, I realize you miss your friend but in time it will get better, been there, it heals in time promise.

I hope you feel better soon.

[star platinum]

I talked to them and they offered us being able to hang out lunch. But the thing is I usually talk with other friends during lunch as well. Additionally other friends who had this issue with them made a compromise to spend lunch time with them and I don't want to like hog that person from their other friends as well

[privategal]

I talked to them and they offered us being able to hang out lunch. But the thing is I usually talk with other friends during lunch as well. Additionally other friends who had this issue with them made a compromise to spend lunch time with them and I don't want to like hog that person from their other friends as well

 

 

Id still not pursue this friendship as its a lot of work and if you've gotta negotiate time, always having to think so hard. He/she said lunch is fine for catching up and now your even analyzing that rather than just thinking, hey-we will get to have some lunches together.

I think when a friendship is good, healthy and solid you don't have to think or worry so much and you can just be relaxed and confident. It shouldn't be this amount of focus.

That is how you know you and the friend aren't really on the same page.

I would say this....if they said lunch was good, I would let THEM reach out for lunch. It is a good indication of their interest at this point.

As for you, you might need to take some time to be alone and happy with yourself. Look at any actions or ways you behave that might push friends away. ALso maybe your really great, I don't doubt that, so maybe think more big picture in your life. Do you have any dreams or goals? Do you like to exercise? Maybe go for walks on lunch or put in head phones and listen to music and read.

Maybe just some personal time to yourself to gather your thoughts. True friends will always come around in time and check in on you. Don't focus on any one person, go out and just be you and focus on you and make the choice to let all this back and forth and worry go and let the cards fall where they will if you give everyone including yourself some time to breath and a fresh start.

[star platinum]

Thank you for that and you know what? Now I will be honest, I do have a crush on this friend