Male friends...lots...and she discusses our relationship with them

[sunking101]

I'm struggling with insecure thoughts and I'm not sure if they're valid or not.

My girlfriend of two months has mainly all close male friends. Sure she has some female friends but it's rather topsy turvy in that the males are closest to her. She has around 15 male friends and chats to/sees them all the time.

 

What makes this worse for me is that she discusses our relationship with them all. I know this because due to my untrusting nature (in my previous relationship my fiance cheated with a friend of hers) I checked her phone one time. She was telling a bunch of guys that she wasn't sure about me as I was controlling. She gave them a very black & white version of events too! The reason that I'm 'controlling' in her eyes is that she has a best guy friend who texts and calls her morning, noon and night. I said that the boyfriend/girlfriend level of communication between them was inappropriate so I asked her to tone it down. She also has a friend who was her FWB (she fell for him and wanted more) before we met, and I asked her to stop seeing this guy as it was too recent for her to be over it in my mind.

 

So rather than tell her male mates the reasons why I was 'controlling' she just told them that I had ordered her to stop seeing friends! Simple as that, no detail given whatsoever. Of course they all responded with 'what a douche, dump him' etc replies. I'm not sure what to think now but I hate my girl having all these close male friends and even more so when she discusses our relationship with them. She says just to trust her, but surely one can't just rely on that all the time? Am I being controlling and insecure?

[Space Ritual]

Am I being controlling and insecure?

 

No.

 

If at 2 months she is already seeking counsel of other men and talking smack about you then I think your relationship will soon see it's last sunrise.

 

It is a very fine line between friendship and courtship. I am afraid your girlfriend would rather see those lines blurred as long as those blurred lines are on her own terms.

 

Imagine if you will, how she would behave if the tables were turned.Would she accept you talking to other girls about her being controlling and also would she accept your special friend you couldn't stop texting?

 

"But...But...But....Trust Me"

But Nothing. lol

 

You answered your own question.

 

 

Needless to say, if you already felt the need to get into her phone only 2 months out then I submit to you that you have wasted 2 months of your life.

 

 

Nothing good is going to come of this. End it before you regret not doing so.

[lolablue17]

If (as a man) i woyld have had many guy friends, and i would have started a relationship, I would have reduced contact with them anyway. Why? because I have a commited Gf which makes me happy and i want to make her happy, so obviously love comes at the expense of many other things.

 

And if I had many girls friendת I would reduce contact even more, especially if that would hurt my Gf.

 

You and you Gf have a different view of "what is a relationship". She wants it all. She wants to have a Bf, but continue contact with ther many male friends the same level as before she had you. There's nothing wrong with it, if you had the same view.

 

But you don't have! So I suggetst that instead of having a relationship full of fights and to fell hurt all the time, put an end to it amicably. because the oly way you can survive that is if you'll hang out a lot with ex's and female friends of yours. But you don't want that do you?

[smackie9]

Those guys are NOT friends they are orbiters waiting for the opportunity to get with her we all know that. She thinks they are caring good listeners, BUT they are taking in all the info about you so they can possibly use that info to their advantage at a later date to get with her.

 

She isn't mature enough to have a real BF, and know what boundaries are, so I recommend you find yourself another GF.

[road]

I'm struggling with insecure thoughts and I'm not sure if they're valid or not.

My girlfriend of two months has mainly all close male friends. Sure she has some female friends but it's rather topsy turvy in that the males are closest to her. She has around 15 male friends and chats to/sees them all the time.

 

What makes this worse for me is that she discusses our relationship with them all. I know this because due to my untrusting nature (in my previous relationship my fiance cheated with a friend of hers) I checked her phone one time. She was telling a bunch of guys that she wasn't sure about me as I was controlling. She gave them a very black & white version of events too! The reason that I'm 'controlling' in her eyes is that she has a best guy friend who texts and calls her morning, noon and night. I said that the boyfriend/girlfriend level of communication between them was inappropriate so I asked her to tone it down. She also has a friend who was her FWB (she fell for him and wanted more) before we met, and I asked her to stop seeing this guy as it was too recent for her to be over it in my mind.

 

So rather than tell her male mates the reasons why I was 'controlling' she just told them that I had ordered her to stop seeing friends! Simple as that, no detail given whatsoever. Of course they all responded with 'what a douche, dump him' etc replies. I'm not sure what to think now but I hate my girl having all these close male friends and even more so when she discusses our relationship with them. She says just to trust her, but surely one can't just rely on that all the time? Am I being controlling and insecure?

 

 

Life has show that this type of woman is an attention addict, dump her.

[Spectre]

She sounds like one of those girls who says she has mostly guy friends because she just can't get along with other women. This is always a red flag. But damn 15+ dudes this chick is friends with and talking smack? Say bye bye. These are just back up dudes waiting to bang her, if they haven't already.

[Sparta]

Hey buddy after writing all this down, it should enabled you to see The big picture. Another way of looking at it. If your best friend came to you with your story. And he was seeking your advice. Honestly ask yourself what would advise him to do. Wouldn't this be a no-brainer. What his next step should be..? To dissolve the relationship. break up with her ASAP.! Would not be here next word of advice you would say to your buddy. I think it's safe to say, this is what you need to do. It's obvious two months she is not the girl for you. Too messy already, two months in should this shouldn't like the best part of the relationship

[Keke1]

No.

 

If at 2 months she is already seeking counsel of other men and talking smack about you then I think your relationship will soon see it's last sunrise.

 

It is a very fine line between friendship and courtship. I am afraid your girlfriend would rather see those lines blurred as long as those blurred lines are on her own terms.

 

Imagine if you will, how she would behave if the tables were turned.Would she accept you talking to other girls about her being controlling and also would she accept your special friend you couldn't stop texting?

 

"But...But...But....Trust Me"

But Nothing. lol

 

You answered your own question.

 

 

Needless to say, if you already felt the need to get into her phone only 2 months out then I submit to you that you have wasted 2 months of your life.

 

 

Nothing good is going to come of this. End it before you regret not doing so.

 

Haven't read the rest of the posts but this is probably the best you'll see. Listen to this.

 

Do this in future relationships. If you really really don't like something or can't put up with it. Have a talk with that person. See why they are doing something you can't accept. If you want them to try to change still then give them a little time to do so(she/he doesn't have to). If they don't or won't then leave. I'll say this forever. Peace in your mind is underrated. You don't have to put up with any of that. At all.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Keke1

[Hughes101]

I'm struggling with insecure thoughts and I'm not sure if they're valid or not.

My girlfriend of two months has mainly all close male friends. Sure she has some female friends but it's rather topsy turvy in that the males are closest to her. She has around 15 male friends and chats to/sees them all the time.

 

What makes this worse for me is that she discusses our relationship with them all. I know this because due to my untrusting nature (in my previous relationship my fiance cheated with a friend of hers) I checked her phone one time. She was telling a bunch of guys that she wasn't sure about me as I was controlling. She gave them a very black & white version of events too! The reason that I'm 'controlling' in her eyes is that she has a best guy friend who texts and calls her morning, noon and night. I said that the boyfriend/girlfriend level of communication between them was inappropriate so I asked her to tone it down. She also has a friend who was her FWB (she fell for him and wanted more) before we met, and I asked her to stop seeing this guy as it was too recent for her to be over it in my mind.

 

So rather than tell her male mates the reasons why I was 'controlling' she just told them that I had ordered her to stop seeing friends! Simple as that, no detail given whatsoever. Of course they all responded with 'what a douche, dump him' etc replies. I'm not sure what to think now but I hate my girl having all these close male friends and even more so when she discusses our relationship with them. She says just to trust her, but surely one can't just rely on that all the time? Am I being controlling and insecure?

 

She's spinning 15 plates.

 

What a headache. You've reminded me of my previous relationship.

 

Why does this kind of girl get on better with guys? Probably because she uses her sexuality to garner cheap friendships. It's really sad when you think about it.

 

Don't even bother trying to make sense of it -you won't.

 

When you break up with her she will say whatever she thinks you want to hear to keep your commitment - ignore everything, she'll be back to get old tricks asap.

[LostOnes05]

I had a girl call me controlling for taking the bulk of the groceries to the car, trying to help with the dishes, etc. So take that with a grain of salt from her. If she's like the girl I briefly dated, being controlling is calling her out on anything wrong she does or offering help/opinion that doesn't coincide with her viewpoint. Break up with her, it'll save you lots of trouble later on.

[Mikau]

Those guys are NOT friends they are orbiters waiting for the opportunity to get with her we all know that. She thinks they are caring good listeners, BUT they are taking in all the info about you so they can possibly use that info to their advantage at a later date to get with her.

 

She isn't mature enough to have a real BF, and know what boundaries are, so I recommend you find yourself another GF.

So is having, and talking about your life/relationship with, friends of the opposite sex a red flag (or deal breaker) every time?

 

My best friend is female. I know neither of us are interested in eachother, she's in a relationship with one of my friends (that's how I know her actually). We talk about pretty much everything, I've tried to help her through her depression or rocky relationship with family, and she's been there for me when I was feeling down or my relationship was going badly.

 

I honestly don't necessarily see anything wrong with talking about your life or relationship with friends, regardless of the sex, but apparently it's a huge deal for some? I agree that you need to have healthy boundaries and there are situations where it's a problem, but to just give a blanket statement on how it's wrong to talk about thing with the opposite sex when in a relationship surely goes too far?

[Hughes101]

We talk about pretty much everything, I've tried to help her through her depression or rocky relationship with family

 

Her boyfriend owes you one - you have to put up with this while he recieves the sexual benifits of a relationship.

 

Make sure you hit him up for some drinks next time you see him

[Mikau]

I'm not putting up with anything, it's a mutually beneficial relationship in that sense.

 

And her boyfriend can be a bit of a caveman sometimes, he was trying really hard to help her through it but on some level he just couldn't understand what it was like to be depressed.

 

Hardly the point of my comment either way, I'm just curious if people think sharing stuff about feelings or relationships with friends of the opposite sex is always a deal breaker/disrespectful to your SO

[Hughes101]

I'm not putting up with anything, it's a mutually beneficial relationship in that sense.

 

And her boyfriend can be a bit of a caveman sometimes, he was trying really hard to help her through it but on some level he just couldn't understand what it was like to be depressed.

 

Hardly the point of my comment either way, I'm just curious if people think sharing stuff about feelings or relationships with friends of the opposite sex is always a deal breaker/disrespectful to your SO

 

Sure.

 

Most guys in a relationship just wouldn't find themselves in that position (as an orbiter to a girl in another relationship ) however you want to spin it.

 

Anyway each their own.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Hughes101

[Mikau]

I take offence to the orbiter part, that's not what I am at all. Is it so hard for you to understand there can be a situation between two people of the opposite sex where they're both ok with being friends?

Edited January 12, 2016 by Mikau

[Hughes101]

I take offence to the orbiter part, that's not what I am at all. Is it so hard for you to understand there can be a situation between two people of the opposite sex where they're both ok with being friends?

 

Sorry but you're a straight up orbiter.

 

I'm not biting on the platonic friends question. We're like chalk and cheese we may as well agree to disagree

[Mikau]

An orbiter is somebody who hangs around hoping for the relationship to end so he can swoop in.

 

No, I'm not an orbiter. I'm a friend. You should try making friends sometimes.

[66Charger]

The answer to your question about whether it is ok, is not yours to answer. You should ask this question of her boyfriend., since it is he, not you that is in the relationship.

 

Ask him. Tell him everything you 2 talk about. If you wont, then your stance on this is hypocrisy.

[preraph]

She's not the right match for you. Not every guy is as controlling and threatened as you are. Some guys are secure enough that while they may not trust other males, they either trust the woman or they trust that if something does go wrong, they will survive the breakup to go on to find the right woman. You can never keep anyone from having an affair by monitoring and restricting them. There's really no point trying. If you can never trust someone, you may not be ready for any relationship. If she seems untrustworthy, it's just not the right match. Find someone less popular.

[Hughes101]

An orbiter is somebody who hangs around hoping for the relationship to end so he can swoop in.

 

No, I'm not an orbiter. I'm a friend. You should try making friends sometimes.

 

I don't need female friends when I'm in a relationship.

 

I'm a loyal guy when committed and having these kind of"platonic" friendships where you're involving yourself in some guy's gf problems is not worth the possible damage it can do.

 

Sod that.

[smackie9]

An orbiter is somebody who hangs around hoping for the relationship to end so he can swoop in.

 

No, I'm not an orbiter. I'm a friend. You should try making friends sometimes.

So if the girl starts flirting with you and offers you sex...you would refuse because you are friends, and tell her friends don't sleep with each other??

[ASG]

So if the girl starts flirting with you and offers you sex...you would refuse because you are friends, and tell her friends don't sleep with each other??

 

What the hell kind of question is that???

 

Why do you think that is so far fetched? It's not. As a woman, I have many guy friends. Some of them, I have found attractive when we first met. And soon realised they were completely blanking my attempts at flirting.

 

Men and women CAN be strictly friends. I have a few. Nothing has, nor will EVER, happen.

[Alamo657]

Nothing has, nor will EVER, happen.

This you cannot be 100% sure about.

This why "guy friends" are suspicious, because any guy knows the "friendship" started with attraction.

[smackie9]

What the hell kind of question is that???

 

Why do you think that is so far fetched? It's not. As a woman, I have many guy friends. Some of them, I have found attractive when we first met. And soon realised they were completely blanking my attempts at flirting.

 

Men and women CAN be strictly friends. I have a few. Nothing has, nor will EVER, happen.

Flirting is one thing, they are avoiding a "relationship", but if you came out and offered sex, NSA, 99% would obliged unless you are unattractive.

 

Most who have many guy friends around them all the time are attractive women.

 

BUT this is not for older people, I'm talking about teenager girls to women in their 20s.

[Wewon]

I don't think that anyone is arguing if men and women can be friends, ofcourse they can. To immediately rebut any questions by quoting lines from "When Harry met Sally" is missing the point, almost to the point of a strawman.

 

The fact is, opposite sex friendships can also be corrupted; doesn't always happen, but to act bewildered by it is naive, so the point should at least be made and examined.

 

To the OP, I would have a problem with a woman with 15 guy friends that she talks over our relationship with. But I don't see it solely as an orbiter issue, but also a concern that she feels the need to let so many people have a voice in her life; it makes her sound gullible and indecisive.

 

Orbiters in general, male orbiters in particular can be very opportunistic. They're like a salesmen that shows up to point out the flaws in your current supplier. Everytime she expresses frustration I'm sure she hears, "Well gee! I don't know what his problem is, can't he see that you're clearly right? I would do things totally differently if it were me!"

 

I wonder how many of those 15 guys are being objective and critical to her when she talks about her problems verses simply taking her side and telling her how clueless and backwards her boyfriend is (compared to him).