Male friends...lots...and she discusses our relationship with them

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm struggling with insecure thoughts and I'm not sure if they're valid or not.

My girlfriend of two months has mainly all close male friends. Sure she has some female friends but it's rather topsy turvy in that the males are closest to her. She has around 15 male friends and chats to/sees them all the time.

 

What makes this worse for me is that she discusses our relationship with them all. I know this because due to my untrusting nature (in my previous relationship my fiance cheated with a friend of hers) I checked her phone one time. She was telling a bunch of guys that she wasn't sure about me as I was controlling. She gave them a very black & white version of events too! The reason that I'm 'controlling' in her eyes is that she has a best guy friend who texts and calls her morning, noon and night. I said that the boyfriend/girlfriend level of communication between them was inappropriate so I asked her to tone it down. She also has a friend who was her FWB (she fell for him and wanted more) before we met, and I asked her to stop seeing this guy as it was too recent for her to be over it in my mind.

 

So rather than tell her male mates the reasons why I was 'controlling' she just told them that I had ordered her to stop seeing friends! Simple as that, no detail given whatsoever. Of course they all responded with 'what a douche, dump him' etc replies. I'm not sure what to think now but I hate my girl having all these close male friends and even more so when she discusses our relationship with them. She says just to trust her, but surely one can't just rely on that all the time? Am I being controlling and insecure?

 

 

 

 

C'mon, every single one of those "male friends" she has, considers himself to be in-line for her romantic affections.

 

Now you do have to recognize the reality that is women being able to maintain boundaries when it comes to friends and lovers... but those men are only there for ONE reason. (women can get sex anywhere - thus, if they wanted it, they would just go out and get it) (so male-female 'friendships' are nearly always cases of him wishing to bang her, and her in most cases putting/having a boundary in place (regardless of whether she has a boyfriend or not) which SHE won't cross (as long as she has the boundary there)).

 

(exceptions include coworkers made to show up at the same workplace every day, neighbors, and friends of family members, etc.)

 

 

 

 

What she thinks, sees, feels, or hears about their reasons for being interested in her mere friendship does not matter one iota.

 

the truth is that men have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women who they wouldn't rather be banging.

 

(* you need only study the website at Pinterest.com for it to become clear that men just have no interest in raw "friendship" with women without wanting more)

 

 

 

And obviously you don't/can't order her to do anything, but you simply man-up and make it clear that you won't stand for her cultivating these friendships with men whose main interest is to have sex with her and/or to replace him.

 

If she persists, then JUST LEAVE!!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Men and women CAN be strictly friends. I have a few. Nothing has, nor will EVER, happen.

 

 

 

Clever wording...

 

 

of course they "can" be friends...

 

 

Men just have zero interest in (just) that.

 

 

 

... and why is a woman even contemplating this reality?

 

 

You want to believe that you have male friends who wouldn't rather be in your pants, so despite your own uncertainty about whether they would declare "yes" or "no" to that, you testify on behalf of "no", just because you want that to be the case?

 

 

How many male friends/connections do you have on Pinterest?

Edited January 13, 2016 by SincereOnlineGuy

[carhill]

Clever wording...

 

of course they "can" be friends...

 

Men just have zero interest in (just) that.

 

Perhaps younger folks are different but the guys I've known in life in my age group would agree with this. In fact, I can't think of one guy in my social circle who's married who has female friends other than the wives of his male friends. Do they flirt with strangers and enjoy female attention? You betcha. Ain't dead yet.

 

 

 

... and why is a woman even contemplating this reality?

 

No indictment of this, or any, woman, but they simply don't have a male brain. Different wiring, different chemical bath, different socialization, different everything, including, yep, that sexual equipment stuff.

 

 

As to the OP, it sounds like a number of his boundaries are being breached, the most standout to me is the one regarding dissemination of private relationship business to the public realm. I've dealt with this in the past and, truthfully, it's kinda hard to hug a gal's husband sincerely when she's been telling me about his deficiencies in the sack, or anything else. If anything, it's a guy commiseration hug. A sympathy hug. The whole thing goes against my own boundaries and I dealt with it in my M. On that one issue, if there was no meeting of the minds, I'd be out so fast the door wouldn't know what hit it.

[Miss Peach]

How old are you? You sound young.

 

I have a lot of male friends. My closest friends are men. I work in a male-dominated field. I tend to talk to these men about my BF. Usually not anything big. Just things we've done together recently, some bragging, etc.

 

If she complains are they things like seeking their advice about whether you're into her? Or complaints? I sought some advice from one of my male friends when things were new because I felt I got mixed interest signals in the current BF. I have also used this friend for advice when leaving my last BF. I've known this guy for 20+ years and there is nothing there (and he is happily married). There is nothing I say to him I won't say in front of his spouse.

 

I have discussed my BF with my male friends. Most of them like the sound of him or he has met them. But I am careful to make sure orbiters know I am with someone and I don't chat, text, etc. with them other that to let them know I'm seeing someone. I continue to see my true friends.

 

I only see it a problem if they are orbiter type guys who want to find fault in things. They are not appropriate IMO.

Edited January 14, 2016 by Miss Peach

[Mikau]

The answer to your question about whether it is ok, is not yours to answer. You should ask this question of her boyfriend., since it is he, not you that is in the relationship.

 

Ask him. Tell him everything you 2 talk about. If you wont, then your stance on this is hypocrisy.

I already have, he knows and he's ok with it. Why would you assume he doesn't and isn't?

 

 

I don't need female friends when I'm in a relationship.

 

I'm a loyal guy when committed and having these kind of"platonic" friendships where you're involving yourself in some guy's gf problems is not worth the possible damage it can do.

 

Sod that.

I actually don't disagree with this, and I think this is much more nuanced than the way you made it sound earlier.

 

 

So if the girl starts flirting with you and offers you sex...you would refuse because you are friends, and tell her friends don't sleep with each other??

So you're asking if I would refuse sex with the girlfriend or ex of a good friend? Yes, ofcourse I would. Is that so hard to believe. In fact, out of the 4 good female friends I have, I would probably turn down 3 if they offered NSA sex and wouldn't want a relationship with all 4.

 

I think your question says much more about you than it does about me or men. Just because you can't fathom the idea that a guy would turn down NSA sex and that platonic friends between the sexes exist doesn't make that the universal truth

[sandylee1]

If a guy I was dating had 15 female friends... and texted with one so much...I'd just end the relationship frankly. I'm not about to persuade them to reduce or stop the friendships and I'm not gonna start competing with so many other females around my man.

 

With so many female friends..how do you even know when he'd cheating. Nah...way to much hassle when there are other single guys out there.

[sunking101]

If a guy I was dating had 15 female friends... and texted with one so much...I'd just end the relationship frankly. I'm not about to persuade them to reduce or stop the friendships and I'm not gonna start competing with so many other females around my man.

 

With so many female friends..how do you even know when he'd cheating. Nah...way to much hassle when there are other single guys out there.

 

I of course understand what you're saying but as a regular male I can assure you that I don't come across all that many gorgeous and sexy women who are interested in me romantically. Probably two a decade. Now I won't accept cheating or a drama queen rollercoaster ride, but I will put more effort into keeping these rare finds than your average woman who has a ton of options.

[Space Ritual]

I of course understand what you're saying but as a regular male I can assure you that I don't come across all that many gorgeous and sexy women who are interested in me romantically. Probably two a decade. Now I won't accept cheating or a drama queen rollercoaster ride, but I will put more effort into keeping these rare finds than your average woman who has a ton of options.

 

 

 

Sunking,

 

I happened to look at your other posts and the other thread you started because something about this whole thing seemed off...

 

Are you really 44 years old? and this woman is 38, is that correct?

 

And is this the same woman that has been messaging the platonic friend she met on the dating site a few short months before you two started dating? And does a lot of things with him?

 

And is this the same one that had the FWB deal going with another guy recently?

 

If so, what action have you taken so far to come to some conclusion about where you and her stand? You mentioned in your other thread that when you have broached the subject previously that she put you "in the doghouse?"

 

Is this the "Rare Find" that you are speaking of?

 

I guess I'll just come out and ask you this..please feel free to ignore it but I'll throw it out there anyway...so here goes....because based on your age, and your reply to Sandy, I expected you and your girl to be about 20 years younger than you state in the other thread.

 

Are you consciously accepting all of this this based on her looks? Is that why you seem to have fallen so hard for her? and is that why she has so many male friends that gives you pause?

 

 

Believe me, if you are, there is no shame in that. You certainly would not be the first man to do so. I just want to point out that if any of that is indeed the case, that you can do better just by being yourself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I just want to encourage you not to sell yourself short.

 

Again, It was just an observation based on this thread and your other one that lead me to ask it, but regardless I still stand by my first reply to you on this thread in that continuing with her based on what you have posted would be a disservice to yourself. Life is far too short to let someone else define you.

[Space Ritual]

So if the girl starts flirting with you and offers you sex...you would refuse because you are friends, and tell her friends don't sleep with each other??

 

Of course, because you know Smackie, a cultured guy like me is above such trivialities...and I just lied my arse off LOL!!!....If some good looking girl whom I am friends with starts flirting with me and offers me sex the last thing I am going to tell her is "Friends don't sleep with friends".

 

That's like saying "Friends don't let friends drive Fords"......

[solway86]

It really depends on who these male friends are - are they friends of the family, or cousins/nephews etc.

 

If I was to discuss my relationship with female friends, it wouldn't be acceptable, unless they were close family or very close family friends, not people you go down to the pub with or co-workers.

 

Either way, it's all about the four Ws - who, where, when, why.

[sandylee1]

I of course understand what you're saying but as a regular male I can assure you that I don't come across all that many gorgeous and sexy women who are interested in me romantically. Probably two a decade. Now I won't accept cheating or a drama queen rollercoaster ride, but I will put more effort into keeping these rare finds than your average woman who has a ton of options.

 

So if you're just a 'regular guy' why do you think this gorgeous sexy woman is interested in you? You must have some very good qualities and be a good person or why else would she be interested when she could have her pick? She either sees something really good in you or she's using you....which do you think it is?

 

I just find it too much competition for my own partner. I couldn't take a relationship with this kind of person seriously TBH. I would say your GF is a high cheat risk......

 

Now.. you're a regular 44 year old, reasonable job?, nice personality, caring ... that's what a lot of girls /ladies want you know. Just a nice genuine loyal guy who treats them well.

 

When you go for a stunner who puts you in the doghouse..it's not going to end well. As long as you're with her ...don't get so emotionally invested or you'll end up nursing a broken heart.

[salparadise]

...I don't come across all that many gorgeous and sexy women who are interested in me romantically. Probably two a decade. Now I won't accept cheating or a drama queen rollercoaster ride, but I will put more effort into keeping these rare finds....

 

Sunking, everybody is telling you that something's amiss. You should listen unless you just prefer to learn your lessons the hard way. There's a recent thread, and probably dozens of older ones, about women who can't relate to women yet have oodles of male friends they maintain frequent contact with––orbiters, ex's and fwbs all qualifying in their minds as "just friends." This is a known pattern and there is a body of information that you ought to avail your self of.

 

If you choose for looks alone and ignore behavior, you'd better learn to enjoy pain

[sunking101]

Sunking, everybody is telling you that something's amiss. You should listen unless you just prefer to learn your lessons the hard way. There's a recent thread, and probably dozens of older ones, about women who can't relate to women yet have oodles of male friends they maintain frequent contact with––orbiters, ex's and fwbs all qualifying in their minds as "just friends." This is a known pattern and there is a body of information that you ought to avail your self of.

 

If you choose for looks alone and ignore behavior, you'd better learn to enjoy pain

 

Seriously, it's not just looks. Sure this woman is beautiful and has a fantastic body but it was her personality and wit that hooked me in the first place. She just really ticks all my attraction boxes...but sadly has these 'issues' that you quite rightly point out. Seriously flawed. It's just a complete kicker.

[Spectre]

She's not the right match for you. Not every guy is as controlling and threatened as you are. Some guys are secure enough that while they may not trust other males, they either trust the woman or they trust that if something does go wrong, they will survive the breakup to go on to find the right woman. You can never keep anyone from having an affair by monitoring and restricting them. There's really no point trying. If you can never trust someone, you may not be ready for any relationship. If she seems untrustworthy, it's just not the right match. Find someone less popular.

 

Yep, must just be nothing but insecurity and nothing else. Your post is sane and logical. Also water it not wet.

[contel3]

I can't help but wonder why nobody is adressing the fact that OP went through his GFs phone after only two months of dating....

 

Having 15 male friends orbiting around is inapropriate. Staying in touch with a former FWB while in a relationship as well.

 

But checking her phone and telling her who she can see and how much she should text them is insecure and controlling.

 

Dump her and find someone who has the same views on relationships as you do. You'll save yourself lots of trouble.

[sunking101]

I can't help but wonder why nobody is adressing the fact that OP went through his GFs phone after only two months of dating....

 

Having 15 male friends orbiting around is inapropriate. Staying in touch with a former FWB while in a relationship as well.

 

But checking her phone and telling her who she can see and how much she should text them is insecure and controlling.

 

Dump her and find someone who has the same views on relationships as you do. You'll save yourself lots of trouble.

 

I've been cheated on before and due to the unsettling nature of this relationship I wanted to know *now* whether it was doomed, and not in a year's time. Sometimes there's a good reason to snoop but if you do it out of pure insecurity and with zero justification then it's 100% wrong. That's my belief anyway.

[Space Ritual]

But checking her phone and telling her who she can see and how much she should text them is insecure and controlling.

 

The reason nobody has addressed it is that most of us longtime posters fall into 2 camps. One camp that says exactly what you said. Another camp that says that snooping is not invading privacy but invading secrecy.

 

There is little use bringing up the debate over and over again. People in either camp feel strongly the way they do and no one is going to change each other's mind over it.

 

There have been plenty of threads here that have gone off the rails because people argue over it as opposed to actually attempting to help the Original Poster. I am sure you can find one within a minute or two if you desire.

[JS84]

I've been cheated on before and due to the unsettling nature of this relationship I wanted to know *now* whether it was doomed, and not in a year's time. Sometimes there's a good reason to snoop but if you do it out of pure insecurity and with zero justification then it's 100% wrong. That's my belief anyway.

 

So say you snoop now and don't find anything, why would that make a year from now so certain once you guys are used to each other and the relationship starts cooling?? I'm sure she's going to have just as many male friends a year from now as she does today, so what would change??

 

Sorry but it sounds like you shouldn't be in a relationship at this point whatsoever and certainly not with anyone who has a bunch of male orbiter friends who I imagine would gladly crawl in her pants (one of whom it sounds like she was ****ing already) if they got the opportunity.

[sandylee1]

You still hanging in there OP?

 

What does the future hold for this relationship... where she puts you in the doghouse when you raise valid points?

 

That's showing you..that you better not question her or else..no affection..no talking. ..no sex. Is that the relationship you want ?

[salparadise]

You mentioned in your other thread that when you have broached the subject previously that she put you "in the doghouse?"

 

Seriously, it's not just looks. Sure this woman is beautiful and has a fantastic body but it was her personality and wit that hooked me in the first place. She just really ticks all my attraction boxes...but sadly has these 'issues' that you quite rightly point out. Seriously flawed. It's just a complete kicker.

 

At the risk of triggering all of the PD, anti-suggestion, anti-label zealots on here, I will give you a clue that I suspect will bring a lot of stuff into sharp focus for you. Google histrionic personality disorder and tell us if you discover any correlations... patiently awaiting your ah ha moment posting (and predictable backlash from the also diagnosable).

[Spectre]

I can't help but wonder why nobody is adressing the fact that OP went through his GFs phone after only two months of dating....

 

Having 15 male friends orbiting around is inapropriate. Staying in touch with a former FWB while in a relationship as well.

 

But checking her phone and telling her who she can see and how much she should text them is insecure and controlling.

 

Dump her and find someone who has the same views on relationships as you do. You'll save yourself lots of trouble.

 

Bunk. Your privacy goes out the window when it comes to affairs of the heart, when it comes to me wasting moments of my life with you..yeah, sorry, privacy falls into a close second compared to protecting yourself.

 

And wouldn't you know it? His snooping paid off. If he'd respected her privacy he'd just be some guy this girl is making a fool of. I ask you why you feel that is preferable to him having the truth and not wasting anymore of his life with this girl?

 

Not to say privacy isn't important, but no it's not the #1 thing. Especially after only being with someone for a short time? Nah, not enough time to develop complete trust in them.

[smackie9]

So is having, and talking about your life/relationship with, friends of the opposite sex a red flag (or deal breaker) every time?

 

My best friend is female. I know neither of us are interested in each other, she's in a relationship with one of my friends (that's how I know her actually). We talk about pretty much everything, I've tried to help her through her depression or rocky relationship with family, and she's been there for me when I was feeling down or my relationship was going badly.

 

I honestly don't necessarily see anything wrong with talking about your life or relationship with friends, regardless of the sex, but apparently it's a huge deal for some? I agree that you need to have healthy boundaries and there are situations where it's a problem, but to just give a blanket statement on how it's wrong to talk about thing with the opposite sex when in a relationship surely goes too far?

It would be a dealbreaker because whatever happens behind closed doors should stay there when it comes to private matters. I don't even discuss my relationship issues with my GF, I discuss them with my husband...and that is the way it should be.

 

This girl is being a damn idiot. I would be offended...I'm on the OP's side...it makes his uncomfortable knowing that his GF can't even come to him to talk about whatever issues she may have with their relationship....it's not fair, unless he is beating her or abusing her.

[truth_seeker]

Yea, and do you think these "male friends" are giving her sound advice about your relationship? They're probably taking advantage of the info she's giving them and using it to sabotage your relationship... most likely out of jealousy and getting satisfaction in f-cking you over.

 

>> You can't trust her guy friends at all. Remember that.

[Spectre]

Yep you see some people think that men and women can just be friends, but here is the reality: if you are female and in a relationship and you have male friends..they probably want to have sex with you. Even if they aren't actively trying or actively interested..if they spot an opportunity to bang you they will POUNCE like a shark who just smelled some blood dumped into the water. Also no, if the guy has a girlfriend or wife that doesn't matter.

 

That is the problem, some women genuinely don't think these guys would screw them at the drop of a hat. How do you date someone so naive?

 

The only kind of male friends that are okay are the 100% gay ones. But you need to make sure these are 100%! Some of these dudes are bisexual and literally I have seen them try to play the "gay best friend" card just to eventually get to have sex with the girl. Which actually since you can never truly know...scratch that, just have female friends lol. In a perfect world this wouldn't be needed, but then again in a perfect world this forum wouldn't be needed.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Spectre