Will i ever be able to leave my past behind?

[angel_1991]

Hello everyone

 

I am only 24 and I feel like I have been through so much.Most of it is due to my poor choices but please hear me out. Please don't judge me as I have a good heart. I take full responsibility for my choices. As for my life, My mother raised me, she was always a good mother, she was a single mother. My father never cared. I grew up without a dad and i feel that this also scarred me. When I was just 15 years old, I met my first boyfriend who told me he was 27, but later I found he was actually 45. He got me pregnant 6 months later, at the age of 16, however I suffered a miscarriage which I am actually thankful for because I did not want a child at that time (in high school) and I didn't know much, or anything, about sex. I was very naïve. 2 months after that, he tried getting me pregnant again and I suffered another miscarriage. His mother told me he wants me to be a housewife and have children with him. I later found out that he was not only lying about his age, but also about his son (who is older than me). I trusted him. After all, he was all i knew. Back when we first met, he introduced his son to me as "his brother". I was heartbroken and disappointed. He lied about so much. I was still in high school, he made me skip school and my grades suffered badly, I was failing. I almost failed high school because of the relationship. I didn't want to ruin my life or disappoint my mother, who has struggled all her life, alone, just to be a good mom to me. However, I was smart and attended night school (after class) and got my high school diploma early at age 17. As for my dysfunctional relationship, it lasted 4 years, there were many times when I wanted to leave because I knew it was wrong and that he was abusing me but because he was my first boyfriend, and with so little life experience, i stayed. It really got to me though. It mentally scarred me. I left that relationship for good at age 19 and i started to rebel, alot. I believe this was because of what i went through in that relationship and i felt like i was destroyed, my innocence taken away. I was talking to a man i met online who i thought would take me out to a party, instead he introduced me to "escorting". I later found out that he ran an escorting agency. I remember i was so scared but i tried doing it, unfortuntely. I was in that life for 5 years. 5 years of hell. Please try not to judge me. Times were really hard and i wanted to help my mom out with bills,expenses and save for college. Thankfully, I recently got out of that terrible life, but i feel ive been through hell and back. I enrolled in university now and i have a job but when i look back, I feel like crying and i feel so depressed. I am not looking for pity. I am just wondering if i will ever be able to live a normal life again, without ever looking back? And if so, how can i do that?

[TaraMaiden2]

Study the 4 Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path.

 

I never proselytise.

Never.

But I couldn't help but point those out, because you need to heal yourself.

Until you understand that Pain may be an occurrence, but Suffering is Optional, you can't move on.

But I believe you can.

You come across as an articulate but genuinely saddened person.

 

I hope you can read your way through those pages. It's long and detailed, but I personally can't argue with any of it.

Even if it's not your cup of tea, and you find nothing to give you pause for thought, I hope there is some line or two in the texts that resonates.

 

With much Metta,

 

TM

[todreaminblue]

hey angel......

 

i know how hard it is to forgive yourself for escorting....basically a pretty name for whoring...yep was one too when i was young also.....years ago....still get twinges of guilt.....because it was that horrible...i know how it feels to feel used up....two days in my life i remember second for second...are the days i walked away from prostitution, i actually ran away from it....owing money...not gaining anything.....but a train ticket away from there.....the second day was th eday i was baptised and coming out fo that water feeling .....forgiven and ....new...not used up

 

we are our own judges.....we judge ourselves on what we used to do and ask people not to judge us...we are our own worst critics...our own ridiculers....our own barrier to happiness.....people judge us far less harshly than we judge ourselves.....

 

i found an answer to my need to forgive myself in the forgiveness of my sins by embracing my spirituality and going down a path i should have taken in the first place.....everything happens for a reason...and one way to forgive what you have done is to forgive others.....forgive others fro unforgivable things has been a learning curve for me...not all that easy..i thought i had but i really hadnt...i have now... i had to let everything go to move on......and i have learned not to hold on to hurts.....there were too many... a whole sackful i let go of.....and i do feel different.....i feel free

 

 

do you feel you are holding onto past hurts.....deb

[Qboro90]

I think that the only way you'll be able to lead a "normal" life is if you start seeing a therapist/couselor who can help you. If not then I fear you will continue to go through turmoil and make decisions that you end up regretting.

 

I'm not blaming you at all, but believing a man is 27 when he's really 46 is not something that you can just cast aside as a silly mistake. That man basically raped and molested you for your entire youth through high school. That most definitely has a lot due to your development and the mindset you have now as an adult. It's very difficult to overcome those engrained issues and roadblocks on your own which is what a psychologist can help you with.

 

Much of what you've gone through has to do with your decision making, and inability to leave once you realize that you're in a bad situation. Find someone professionally who is qualified to teach you how to do these crucial things the right way so that you don't have to go through any more tragic experiences.