Immature and controlling fiancee - Am I weak?

[bobbycat]

When I was younger, weed also helped me with my anxiety and insecurity. I am glad I used it because I would not be the person I am now.

 

Some people are way judgmental about pot. Way too conservative.

 

The world is starting to legalize its recreational use. The whole "pot is dangerous" mindset is slowly fading away.

 

This is not only "me mad because I can't smoke", its more like

 

I am mad because my wife doesn't let me do some things, cannot even DISCUSS about them, cannot give me her ARGUMENTS and cannot do any COMPROMISE.

 

It's not only weed vs her, it's all the above.

 

"Do what you want I don't care" then "Give me the bag now"

 

----

And to reply to people who say I am immature: yes, I am. I'm a successful entrepreneur during daytime and also a man child. I also enjoy playing with Legos and trolling when playing video games on the internet. So what!

Edited January 11, 2016 by bobbycat

[TaraMaiden2]

I have to agree with others, though; addiction or not, you do seem kind of obsessed with having cannabis in the house, and a bit fixated on poking her, as it were, to evince some kind of reaction - which predictably, isn't an agreeable one...

 

You have a choice or two:

Either put it to her that she is as controlling as her father (another member did not agree with this tactic, but it might be like a wake-up call, 'bucket-of-cold-water' to her. Or it may not.) and then suggest you two seriously need some kind of professional guidance to address the issues in the relationship:

 

or

 

End this.

 

I think those are your options.

But playing games does neither of you any favours and frankly, doesn't put you in a good light....

[bobbycat]

Or I'll get her to understand that weed isn't the devil.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am mad because my wife doesn't let me do some things

 

My wife doesn't "let" me do anything, nor I her. We both act in the best interests of our relationship and deal rationally with the occasional fallout if we feel our partner isn't. What I'd never do is engage in the childish games you're playing - "look what i've found on the sidewalk" - in place of dealing with the real issues in your marriage....

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden2]

Or I'll get her to understand that weed isn't the devil.

Under current circumstances, as things stand, and looking at past behaviour - how likely do you think you are, to succeed?

 

Repeating mistakes rarely results in a different outcome....

[dreamingoftigers]

You have young kids and she probably doesn't want them to figure out that you're smoking weed and setting that example, or has fears of you becoming reliant on it. You knew she was against drugs before you married her. I don't think telling you that she doesn't want a husband who smokes is that controlling. It's not my value, but I can see why someone would have it and wouldn't want it to be part of their family especially with young children. If her father is muslim she probably grew up in a very conservative household.

 

She might not be the most pleasant about it but she made her stance crystal clear before you got into a relationship with her. Now you are outright breaking what you committed to and whining about being "controlled."

 

Cheaters say the same thing. They whine about a spouse finding out claiming "they violated my privacy, it wasn't a big deal, meant nothing, wah wah wah." When really they knew that they were in a relationship with certain terms and they outright threw it aside for their own gratification.

[dreamingoftigers]

It's not illegal where I live.

 

Plus it's not harmful to the children; I doubt the smoke outside would reach the kids.

 

Check on the Amen Clinic website what marijuana use does to your brain. See the actual images.

 

It's also poor role-modelling.

 

Personally, sure its "less harmful than blah blah blah" but its just one extra stressors that doesn't need to be added in. It clouds the rest of the issues and I think that this goes deeper than the opening post.

 

It this pattern of being passive-aggressive has gone on for years, I can see exactly why your fiancee has risen to that level of pissed-off.

 

You sound rather immature. I'm surprised that you are describing her that way when you are so focused on video games and pot instead of trying to connect or focus on what would provide your kids with the most happiness and stability. I'm sure all of your smoking "buddies" disagree.

[bobbycat]

She didn't made her stance crystal clear before, she made her stance a few months into the relationship. I stopped to please her. She has NO arguments because she doesn't want to tell me what's wrong with it.

[bobbycat]

I am an excellent dad and my kids are happy and have everything they need. I also run a successful business. But thanks for your concern.

[dreamingoftigers]

Or I'll get her to understand that weed isn't the devil.

 

It will be as long as you are trying to force weed into her home.

 

Frankly if my partner is triggered by the colour orange, I wouldn't decorate the walls with it and try to "educate them on how great having an orange house is."

 

Because I'm not am arsehole.

[BlueIris]

When I was younger, weed also helped me with my anxiety and insecurity. I am glad I used it because I would not be the person I am now.

 

Some people are way judgmental about pot. Way too conservative.

 

The world is starting to legalize its recreational use. The whole "pot is dangerous" mindset is slowly fading away.

 

This is not only "me mad because I can't smoke", its more like

 

I am mad because my wife doesn't let me do some things, cannot even DISCUSS about them, cannot give me her ARGUMENTS and cannot do any COMPROMISE.

 

It's not only weed vs her, it's all the above.

 

"Do what you want I don't care" then "Give me the bag now"

 

----

And to reply to people who say I am immature: yes, I am. I'm a successful entrepreneur during daytime and also a man child. I also enjoy playing with Legos and trolling when playing video games on the internet. So what!

 

Then get divorced and co-parent your children. You misled her or changed the deal. You can own that, right?

 

So you'd have the kids, say, 50% of the time, during which you would not drink or get high or do anything to impair your ability to take care of your kids or handle an emergency, right?

 

The childish part is the “my wife doesn’t let me” stuff. Of course, you can do whatever you wish. And adults deal with the consequences of doing what they wish.

 

Here’s a story for you: I was a daily pot user when I was in college. I was a Deadhead (still am since that never ends- lol). I have nothing against pot and am pro-legalization (and tax it to the hilt). But once my husband and I decided to have kids, my desire ended because being a parent and being able to handle whatever arose trumped everything else.

 

My (now-ex) husband was a pot-smoker and recreational coke user, and drank. Very successful career-wise, Ivy educated, rising star, blah, blah. He counted on me to be the caretaker for the kids so he could smoke and drink— acting just like a child, he knew mommy would take care of everything, have his back as he zoinked out.

 

Post-divorce when the kids were in their early teens and upset that he and his 2nd wife got stoned and drunk on the 2 days every 14 that they were with him (he chose minimal parenting time, not me), the kids took it to the family therapist and she asked all of the parents to agree not to get intoxicated while the kids were with them. I said sure (12/14 days). But dad and stepmom stormed out. How dare someone ask them to be sober 2/14 days! And he didn't talk to me for months without snarling that I was the control freak. The kids were the ones who wanted him to stop and brought it up to the therapist- not me. Geeze, I remember when my oldest was about to get her drivers license and her dad apparently told her he was excited because now she could be his designated driver. Now ain't that a pretty picture?

 

Think about what you're doing OP.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am an excellent dad and my kids are happy and have everything they need. I also run a successful business. But thanks for your concern.

 

My father would say the same thing.

 

But he's an alcoholic. And yes his business is very successful. But that way he responds in his relationship with my mother has had a permanent effect on me.

 

And the fact that he's an alcoholic has as well.

Luckily I had a parent that wasn't a substance user so I didn't become one. Sure I tried pot after I left home. Did it about half of a dozen times. Still don't understand the appeal. But whatever, everyone is affected differently.

 

You aren't providing security for your kids if you are introducing extra crap into your relationship to fight over.

 

The rest sounds like it needs counseling.

[bobbycat]

You're over exaggerating BlueIris... My situation is different.

 

I'm talking about smoking a joint saturday night when the kids are asleep ffs! Not being stoned all the time! I'm able to control myself. I'm not a drunk. I do drink a beer during dinner every day or so but I can skip a whole month!

 

Sorry but we're simply not on the same wavelength.

 

Yes, she is controlling.

 

"Stop making noise! Sit down! Don't talk! Watch TV and stop making noises. Stop running. Stop playing. Stop jumping. Stop stop stop"

I hear it all the time. This is not a way to talk to your kids.

Edited January 11, 2016 by bobbycat

[BlueIris]

You're over exaggerating BlueIris...

 

I'm talking about smoking a joint saturday night when the kids are asleep ffs! Not being stoned all the time! I'm able to control myself. I'm not a drunk. I do drink a beer during dinner every day or so but I can skip a whole month!

 

Sorry but we're simply not on the same wavelength.

 

No, I'm not. Those were facts.

Given what I experienced, I know better than to argue with a user over their intoxicant of choice. It's their precious.

 

As to the other part you added about her child-rearing-- just more reason to get divorced and have your kids 50% of the time.

[TaraMaiden2]

No wonder this relationship is toxic and dysfunctional.

You're both insisting on being right.

 

That's the main fight here.

 

She thinks you're wrong and she's right.

You think she's wrong and you're right.

And neither of you consider budging.

 

No wonder it's a constant lose-lose.

 

Lovely way to teach your kids how to deal with disagreements....

[dreamingoftigers]

She didn't made her stance crystal clear before, she made her stance a few months into the relationship. I stopped to please her. She has NO arguments because she doesn't want to tell me what's wrong with it.

 

Before kids though, right?

 

Before engagement and moving in together right?

 

Right before YOU AGREED TO IT, right?

 

She doesn't need to "have a great wonderous argument" as to why this isn't going to work for her. She doesn't need to out-compete you.

 

She just needs to know it won't work for her anymore than if a potential mate of mine knew the colour orange wouldn't work for him.

 

She doesn't need fifty research papers and backing from the state to say that she doesn't want it live with it.

 

So what do you?

 

You put on your big boy boots and make a decision.

 

"I am smoking weed because I'm a special weed-smoking snowflake and I want to live on my own and pay child support."

 

OR

 

"I am going to take my fiancee to counseling to see if I can peacefully resolve this with her because I'm not stupid enough to try and bring it in the house, hide it and act like I " found some." If she won't go with me to counseling, I'll go on my own because I clearly need some clarification on what I am or am not responsible in this relationship and if it has to end I will make the transition as smooth as possible for my kids."

 

OR

 

"I'll just do what she's asking because really, she has some pretty valid concerns and I've already deeply violated her trust. Yes I am frustrated by the way that she addresses me about it, but I think I need to try a bit of empathy here and see that I haven't exactly been meeting her needs either. Like being a trustworthy person."

 

You are my age. I have a daughter and another on the way. I am not some old fart waxing about the good old days. I am also not Conservative, would vote in legalization and I'm Canadian.

 

But the way that you are handling your relationship. Yeesh. This is your partner you are talking about. And you are playing victim and acting like an entitled teen. I don't care what job you have, teens often hold down jobs too. And complain about their parents. And are often hypocritical.

 

You mention her as "immature" and then it is mentioned you are, you say "so what?"

 

I'm going to try an give my husband an extra-special bj this morning. Wow. This thread makes him shine.

[d0nnivain]

She didn't made her stance crystal clear before, she made her stance a few months into the relationship. I stopped to please her. She has NO arguments because she doesn't want to tell me what's wrong with it.

 

I assume this was still before you had kids with her or bought a house with her. That was the time to disagree with her about what you claim is her controlling you.

 

Take the drugs out of the equation for a minute. Pick something more innocuous. Lets say she didn't want you to eat candy because in her opinion it rots your teeth & makes you fat. But you argue, it's just candy, legal & available everywhere. So what? It's still her perspective. You take her as she is. If you said long before you had kids & bought a house with this woman, you know what? She's a controlling nut & I'm not going to let her tell me how to live my life. Even if I disagreed with your lifestyle, I would have supported your decision to make that choice for yourself.

 

My concern here is that you seem willing to throw away your home & your family over substances: weed & booze. Is that really a wise choice? Look at what you are giving up vs what you are getting. Then think long & hard about whether this is the argument you are going to blow apart your family over.

 

The time to stake out your claimed entitlement to smoke was before you got an anti-drug person pregnant & brought two lives for whom you are responsible into the world.

[BettyDraper]

I think it's extremely disrespectful to bring drugs into your children and wife's home. It's fricken illegal and harmful.

 

I would have asked you to leave the house immediately. She has every right to tell you not to bring drugs into her home.

 

She deserves better.

 

This. You may smoke outside but the end result is that you are exposing your children to drug use and excessive drinking. You are setting a bad example.

 

Maybe your fiancee is controlling because you refuse to grow up. She did tell you that she was against drugs before so this shouldn't be a shock to you. Looks like weed and beer are more important to you than your family. Are you a frat boy?

 

I have noticed that many fathers think that it's okay to go running off with their friends while their wives look after the kids and household. You are a grown man with responsibilities! I'm not saying that you can't go out at all but your family comes before your friends. Why are you listening to what your friends tell you like you're 16? Even the way you communicate online makes you sound like a petulant teen.

 

I was a pothead for 10 years. I used it to deal with awful memories. My husband did not like the amount that I smoked. When we bought a home, I realized that I needed to be careful where our money was going. I have not smoked a joint in 90 days, I have changed my diet and I exercise. I feel amazing. I wasted so much money and time being dazed and confused. My marriage is much better now that I have grown up and stopped smoking weed.

[BlueIris]

...You are my age. I have a daughter and another on the way. I am not some old fart waxing about the good old days.

 

:eek:I beg your pardon!! I’m aghast. Old farts are the sweetest farts! Kids these days…. :laugh:

 

But seriously, DreamingWithTigers is right. Her three choices lay it out well.

 

Ask yourself, OP, what would you do for your kids? Would you give up drinking and smoking? Don’t make it about her, your fiancé. Make it about your kids. Would you go completely without drinking and smoking 50% of your days, and for two week vacations? Know that intoxication is a safety issue, as well as an issue relevant to the best interests of children. At least be honest with yourself and acknowledge how important your drinking and smoking are to you.

[BettyDraper]

Then get divorced and co-parent your children. You misled her or changed the deal. You can own that, right?

 

So you'd have the kids, say, 50% of the time, during which you would not drink or get high or do anything to impair your ability to take care of your kids or handle an emergency, right?

 

The childish part is the “my wife doesn’t let me” stuff. Of course, you can do whatever you wish. And adults deal with the consequences of doing what they wish.

 

Here’s a story for you: I was a daily pot user when I was in college. I was a Deadhead (still am since that never ends- lol). I have nothing against pot and am pro-legalization (and tax it to the hilt). But once my husband and I decided to have kids, my desire ended because being a parent and being able to handle whatever arose trumped everything else.

 

My (now-ex) husband was a pot-smoker and recreational coke user, and drank. Very successful career-wise, Ivy educated, rising star, blah, blah. He counted on me to be the caretaker for the kids so he could smoke and drink— acting just like a child, he knew mommy would take care of everything, have his back as he zoinked out.

 

Post-divorce when the kids were in their early teens and upset that he and his 2nd wife got stoned and drunk on the 2 days every 14 that they were with him (he chose minimal parenting time, not me), the kids took it to the family therapist and she asked all of the parents to agree not to get intoxicated while the kids were with them. I said sure (12/14 days). But dad and stepmom stormed out. How dare someone ask them to be sober 2/14 days! And he didn't talk to me for months without snarling that I was the control freak. The kids were the ones who wanted him to stop and brought it up to the therapist- not me. Geeze, I remember when my oldest was about to get her drivers license and her dad apparently told her he was excited because now she could be his designated driver. Now ain't that a pretty picture?

 

Think about what you're doing OP.

 

Sorry for what you went through. I don't understand why some men find it so hard to become mature and take care of their responsibilities as fathers and husbands. I don't blame you for walking away.

 

The OP is not going to think about what he is doing because he has the mentality of a boy in grade 11. I dated two men like this when I was young and stupid....boy did I ever learn some lessons.

[dreamingoftigers]

This. You may smoke outside but the end result is that you are exposing your children to drug use and excessive drinking. You are setting a bad example.

 

Maybe your fiancee is controlling because you refuse to grow up. She did tell you that she was against drugs before so this shouldn't be a shock to you. Looks like weed and beer are more important to you than your family. Are you a frat boy?

 

I have noticed that many fathers think that it's okay to go running off with their friends while their wives look after the kids and household. You are a grown man with responsibilities! I'm not saying that you can't go out at all but your family comes before your friends. Why are you listening to what your friends tell you like you're 16? Even the way you communicate online makes you sound like a petulant teen.

 

I was a pothead for 10 years. I used it to deal with awful memories. My husband did not like the amount that I smoked. When we bought a home, I realized that I needed to be careful where our money was going. I have not smoked a joint in 90 days, I have changed my diet and I exercise. I feel amazing. I wasted so much money and time being dazed and confused. My marriage is much better now that I have grown up and stopped smoking weed.

 

Good for you Betty Draper!

 

It's hard to change an ingrained habit. I hope that the memories fade and you find healthier ways to integrate them than trying to avoid them.

 

Often exercise makes a HUGE difference.

 

I hope that your healing continues and your marriage strengthens.

 

Don't be hard on yourself if you backpedal at some point. Just acknowledge it and move forward again.

[BettyDraper]

Good for you Betty Draper!

 

It's hard to change an ingrained habit. I hope that the memories fade and you find healthier ways to integrate them than trying to avoid them.

 

Often exercise makes a HUGE difference.

 

I hope that your healing continues and your marriage strengthens.

 

Don't be hard on yourself if you backpedal at some point. Just acknowledge it and move forward again.

 

Thanks! When the memories come, I remind myself that they are just memories and they can't hurt me. There are days when I weep because of what I have survived but I don't allow myself to wallow in self pity. I tell myself that I have one hour to cry and then I force myself to go on with my day.

 

My marriage has always been iron clad. When I saw a therapist, she said that my marriage is very solid for being newly married. We have only had five years as husband and wife. This has been our best year. Moving to the country was very healthy for us. I am away from negative influences and memories. I am also in a much quieter environment which helps to calm my spirit.

 

Relapse isn't an option for me because withdrawal is very difficult. I'm not going through that again. I prefer to spend my time exercising, volunteering and keeping a lovely home for my husband and I.

 

Thank you again for your kind words!

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks! When the memories come, I remind myself that they are just memories and they can't hurt me. There are days when I weep because of what I have survived but I don't allow myself to wallow in self pity. I tell myself that I have one hour to cry and then I force myself to go on with my day.

 

My marriage has always been iron clad. When I saw a therapist, she said that my marriage is very solid for being newly married. We have only had five years as husband and wife. This has been our best year. Moving to the country was very healthy for us. I am away from negative influences and memories. I am also in a much quieter environment which helps to calm my spirit.

 

Relapse isn't an option for me because withdrawal is very difficult. I'm not going through that again. I prefer to spend my time exercising, volunteering and keeping a lovely home for my husband and I.

 

Thank you again for your kind words!

 

EMDR therapy helped me integrate many highly traumatic memories.

 

It was fluke that I even got it, they give to it people with PTSD etc like combat soldiers. I wish more people knew about it. I would describe it as close to miraculous.

[Ms. Faust]

Sorry for what you went through. I don't understand why some men find it so hard to become mature and take care of their responsibilities as fathers and husbands. I don't blame you for walking away.

 

The OP is not going to think about what he is doing because he has the mentality of a boy in grade 11. I dated two men like this when I was young and stupid....boy did I ever learn some lessons.

 

I totally agree... the title of this thread is true, the fiance is immature and controlling, but I don't think it is the woman. The OP is talking about working so hard all day and needing to go out and play with his mates, but says nothing about possibly taking his wife along who has also been working hard all day, taking care of his brood.

 

Then he goes on and on and on ad nauseam about boo hoo he can't smoke pot because it was a boundary his wife set before they got married, in fact while they were dating. What's more important, his wife's boundary or for him to smoke a reefer?

 

I use to smoke cigarettes AND pot before my husband on a regular basis. He made it crystal clear that he does not tolerate smoking of any kind while we were dating. I fell in love with him, and it was a sacrifice I was willing to make for him. I continue to love and respect him, thus I continue to honor his boundary that he hates all forms of smoke, whether it's marijuana or cigarettes.

 

I am not opposed to smoking weed at all, my sister in law and her husband are habitual users, and they have children. But pot is not something my husband wants in our home the same way neither of us want cigarettes in our home.

 

OP's wife made her boundaries crystal clear waaay before kids were brought into the mix. It doesn't take a genius to figure out her resolve on the issue would strengthen after little ones become involved.

 

Plus I think OP is exaggerating. This is one of those moments that I would love to hear his wife's side. I bet she would have a lot to say about their sex life, "control" issues, and their (in)compatibility.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Ms. Faust