Scared I wont find someone better.

[johan]

I re-read the original post and think I should have said something different. You say you're beautiful and smart, but you intimidate guys and are a wallflower? Well is it that you're shy or is it that you have little patience?

 

Looking at someone else and see things you like and wish to have for yourself, is just going to distract you from what you really should be doing: looking at yourself and seeing things you like. You have to accept yourself for who you really are when you aren't scared and bottled up. You have to learn to love yourself enough that you don't really worry about whether someone is in or out of your league. If you can develop a comfort level with yourself, without trying to mimic someone else, without pretending or putting on any kind of show, then you'll be able to be with any guy no matter what league he's in.

 

I'm kind of surprised when I hear a woman say things like this, because I think this is a problem guys usually have. I usually figure women already have this stuff figured out.

[notmakingsense]

Its funny how often really good looking people have the most insecurities when it comes to attracting others.

 

Anyway dgiirl -- I'm in the same boat as you.... in a breaking-up situation, I often go into a panic that I won't find someone as nice or good looking as the person I'm with. I'm going through this right now. To be honest -- she's the hottest and nicest personality of any woman I've ever been with -- so the "bar has been raised" with respect to what I think I'll need to achieve the next time around.

 

This all sounds so shallow, but for me, it isn't just the looks -- it is the incredible connectedness and chemistry. In my case, I actually start to make myself believe that I managed to attract and keep (for a while) a woman who was out of my leage. She's now realized it herself -- caught on to the dirty little secret that I'm in a class below (so to speak) -- and is now moving on.

 

Crazy huh? When it comes down to it -- your own mind is your own worst enemy. I know mine is. Be careful about how you talk to yourself, what you say about yourself, and how critical you are of yourself. The "fake it until you make it" approach works even when it comes to yourself -- just tell yourself how great you are -- even if you don't believe it -- and at some point, you will believe it -- because it is true.

 

No -- I'm not there yet -- but I've read enough in books and on LS to believe it for true

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by notmakingsense

Its funny how often really good looking people have the most insecurities when it comes to attracting others.

 

My very good friend is absolutely stunning. She is basically every guys wetdream. Yet she's always had a real hard time with men. Seems like only men see her beauty and not WHO she is inside. The thing is she has it all. Smarts, beauty and she is the most loving and giving person you could ever meet. She's so insecure inside.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by BigB

Plus geeky chicks often have more in common with us geeky guys. I mean if I found a girl who wanted to play video games with me, instead of complain that I play them to much Or a girl who likes sci-fi movies and understands me when I'm talking geek

 

lol I refuse to get involved with another guy who plays video games too much I thought I was hip and cool by letting my stbxh do it. I even joined him. Now, he just walked out of my life. If you do meet a girl like that, atleast remember she's a girl and needs to be romanced from time to time And buying computer memory for her computer for her birthday is not a romantic gift lol

 

 

And yah you guys are all right. I'm totally not ready at all. I think I'm just remembering how I felt back in highschool. I really dont know what the single life is like nowadays. It's been almost 10 years since I was single.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by johan

I'm kind of surprised when I hear a woman say things like this, because I think this is a problem guys usually have. I usually figure women already have this stuff figured out.

 

I really didnt want this topic to be shallow. I'm learning now that I have a lot of anxiety and low self esteem, and I'm trying to challenge it. The more I talk to people about taboo topics, the more I'm learning others are in the same boat. It helps me battle my own insecurities knowing how others battled theirs.

 

I can see how it might be difficult for a guy, but on the other hand, they are the ones who are usually in control. The guy takes a risk when taking the first initiation, and the rejection would make you feel insecure. But on the other hand, a girl who doesnt get asked feels just as insecure.

[ConfusedInOC]

dgirl, I have those same fears. Wondering if I am going to find someone better. The fact is, I *deserve* someone better. I should have dumped my ex a long time ago and I didn't because I lacked the self-esteem and confidence I needed to keep her in the first place.

 

Now that I have built up my self-confidence and self-esteem, I am finding it easier and easier to attract women. They can sense it and it's a great feeling. Even my ex has noticed.

 

You seem to know you're good looking and smart, but you have to convince yourself that you are GOOD, worth the attention and worth being loved. That your needs need to be met and to worry about pleasing yourself first.

 

You probably have what is referred to in No More Mr Nice Guy as "toxic shame." That's where you don't think you're worth being loved or valued unless your doing something nice or being overly nice to someone. I've learned that women don't want that and neither do men. They want someone who is independent and has their own life. They want to be around someone who is self-confident because that in and of itself is very attractive.

 

If you know you're good looking and smart, then that's half the battle. You need to TELL yourself, and believe it, that you are.

 

And I will tell you this. You may (though I doubt it) hear a few more NO than YES answers when you approach men. But like any "sales" job, each "no" is one step closer to a "yes." And the more confident and self-assured you are, the easier and more often the yes' come.

 

Merin is a good looking woman, but she exudes self-confidence and that is what makes her attractive. She can be hot but if she wasn't confident, most men would not want her.

 

And lest ye forget, Merin is also single right now too. It happens to all of us at some time or another.

 

We all have the right person out there for us. We just need to get off our duffs, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and know that we're WORTHY of being loved by the right person. Just start making the change within and you'll see it start to show on the outside. The more earnest effort you put into becoming self-confident and self-assured (not faking it, but really believing it...and not being an arse either!) the sooner the men will be knocking at your door.

 

If it makes you feel better, if you were here locally, I'd ask you out

[alphamale]

Originally posted by moimeme

I know plenty of people living healthy, happy, and fulfilled lives on their own.

so then humans are not social creatures and can be OK emotionally, physically and spiritiually by themselves for extended periods?

 

I personally don't see any evidence of that. Most studies show that people who are alone have more medical problems, more psychological problems and are generally unhappier than people who are not alone.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

She's so insecure inside.

Everything in life comes with a price , including beauty.

[moimeme]

so then humans are not social creatures and can be OK emotionally, physically and spiritiually by themselves for extended periods?

 

That you don't have a bf of gf doesn't mean you're 'alone'. (DUH). You still have friends, shop, go to work, interact with other humans. You know what friends are, don't you? People of the same gender with whom you have pleasant interactions, fun, interconnectedness, etc.

 

Most studies show that people who are alone have more medical problems, more psychological problems and are generally unhappier than people who are not alone

 

Meaning people who are isolated. The people I know aren't hiding inside their apartments - they're doing all the things I suggested - getting involved, being out doing things. Of course it's bad for you to huddle alone by yourself in your house but that's not what I'm suggesting.

[lindya]

Originally posted by alphamale

Most studies show that people who are alone have more medical problems, more psychological problems and are generally unhappier than people who are not alone.

 

Studies have a pretty reliable tendency of showing whatever the people commissioning them want to show, don't they? An affluent and happy marriage probably does confer a lot of health benefits, but some marriages/relationships are deeply unhappy. People stay in them for all sorts of reasons, I'm sure. The desire to be financially secure, to provide a child with the security of 2 warring parents living together, to be in a relationship of some kind...

 

Society may still be very much geared towards couples and families - but as Moimeme has pointed out, it's perfectly possible to be happy and single, and in many ways it's much easier. You come and go as you please, you don't have to worry about friends not liking your partner and vice versa. You don't bear the burden of trying to get on with a partner's more difficult friends and family members. You don't have the stress of coping with another human being's insecurities and any damaging (to you) ways in which those insecurities might manifest themselves.

 

A healthy relationship with someone we love who will treat us with loyalty and respect? Most single people would almost undoubtedly be happier in that situation, but it doesn't mean we're unhappy - or unhealthy - as we are.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by ConfusedInOC

dgirl, I have those same fears. Wondering if I am going to find someone better. The fact is, I *deserve* someone better. I should have dumped my ex a long time ago and I didn't because I lacked the self-esteem and confidence I needed to keep her in the first place.

 

I'm starting to realize that too. I dont understand why I put up with the stuff that I did. He basically locked himself up in his home office for 8 years and then told me it's because I was a bad person and he left. I'm so scared this is going to repeat itself. I didnt see it the first time. Why would I see it the second time.

 

You seem to know you're good looking and smart, but you have to convince yourself that you are GOOD, worth the attention and worth being loved. That your needs need to be met and to worry about pleasing yourself first.

 

I know I'm smart Not sure about the good looking. This is what some people are telling me. I tend to have a lot of guy friends, but they see me as their little sister.

 

You probably have what is referred to in No More Mr Nice Guy as "toxic shame." That's where you don't think you're worth being loved or valued unless your doing something nice or being overly nice to someone. I've learned that women don't want that and neither do men. They want someone who is independent and has their own life. They want to be around someone who is self-confident because that in and of itself is very attractive.

 

Not sure about the overly nice thing. I might be nice, but I dont _try_ to be nice to get people to like me. I think being an introvert is what's messing up with my self-confidence.

 

We all have the right person out there for us. We just need to get off our duffs, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and know that we're WORTHY of being loved by the right person.

 

You're right. I'm in my self pity mode again. It was my stbxh bday this weekend, so i was overly emotional trying to stick to NC (which i did, yah!)

 

 

If it makes you feel better, if you were here locally, I'd ask you out

 

lol You dont even know what I look like, but I'd gladly accept

[Pyro]

Ditto for me.

[Beth]

A lot of people said what I would have so I won't repeat the advice, I'll just add a tidbit of my own story to show that there are many of us who do feel the same and go through the same things.

 

When I was a teenager and in my 20's I had no self-confidence. I never thought myself "as pretty as..." or "as smart as..." and I constantly compared myself to others and wished I could be like them. I thought that if I could look like them I would be like them. I dieted until I was so thin that I was not healthy -- I had some minor health problems because of it, but I sure looked good in the cute clothes. I gave myself a false sense of confidence and I did begin to attract more men. What I found was that the men were interested in my looks and not in me. They could sense that my confidence was not true. I was fun to be around, but I was not really happy. I never was sure if they were dating ME or my looks. I had no trust in them.

 

That made my own perception of attractiveness in men change and I didn't realize it at first. As I matured I learned that what I was looking for was not going to be found on the surface; my surface or a man's surface!

 

I put on a little weight so that I would be healthier because for my body type and my health bigger was better. I began learning more about the men I met and realized that their interests, goals, experiences, values, personalities, etc. seldom matched my own and again I felt scared of being alone. But I also realized that what I found was attractive was changing and I began to see men differently. Knowing that about myself boosted my own self-confidence. The inner-qualities of a person are what I find most attractive and surprisingly, once I got to know some of these guys and found some whose 'insides' matched my own I saw their outsides as sexy or attractive. A smile that did not catch my eye before I suddenly found captivating. Interestingly enough (well to me it was a revelation) the men I was dating at that time said similar things to me. I became more attractive in their eyes once they got to know me. It was because my self-confidence was no longer false.

 

I'm an average looking person. Wouldn't stand out in a crowd. But I've had a couple of men tell me that I was beautiful and sexy. If one sees that, then others will and yes, being seen as attractive & sexy IS important. My husband was not immediately attracted to me, but we had the chance to talk for a while and get to know each other and he said that when he was home he would think of me and "realized" that I was sexy and attractive, it just wasn't immediately evident. Funny thing is, I felt exactly the same way! We both have said that neither resembles the 'type' of person we thought was sexy or attractive when we were younger and dating others and we surprised ourselves feeling that way.

 

I've talked with other couples who said the same thing. When we understand ourselves better our outlook tends to change also.

 

On another note: I'm an introvert and rather shy. I have some friends but I'm not comfortable eating alone in a restaurant, or going to a movie or whatever. It's not that I have to have a man on my arm for appearances or that I think others may see me as some kind of loser; but that I want someone to share experiences with me. Whether that person is a lover or a friend--I enjoy the sharing. I can enjoy things myself, but I prefer to share them.

 

Also, I see people talking about finding someone "better" I think maybe it should be find someone who is a "better match"

[moimeme]

As I matured I learned that what I was looking for was not going to be found on the surface; my surface or a man's surface!

 

You are SO right!

 

The inner-qualities of a person are what I find most attractive and surprisingly, once I got to know some of these guys and found some whose 'insides' matched my own I saw their outsides as sexy or attractive. A smile that did not catch my eye before I suddenly found captivating

 

Could not agree more.

 

I'm an average looking person. Wouldn't stand out in a crowd. But I've had a couple of men tell me that I was beautiful and sexy

 

And again, ditto

 

I tend to wrote shorter posts these days, but what you say is absolutely true, Beth. It's not about working as hard as you can to be 'hot' or 'sexy' because people who'll be attracted to you because of that may not at all be who you want. What you want in life is someone who appreciates you for who you are, not just because you look like a model or fill out a big bra. And I think you'll find that nothing makes a man more desirable than your own respect, admiration, and love for him, whether or not he looks like Brad (blech) Pitt.

[dgiirl]

Ok, you guys are putting me to shame. I know you guys are right. Ignore the post I'm just having an emotional weekend

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by dgiirl

Ok, you guys are putting me to shame. I know you guys are right. Ignore the post I'm just having an emotional weekend

 

Aww, that's OK...You're allowed. But only once in a while!

 

DO some daily affirmations! I'm not joking here and I know it sounds really gay but building up your self confidence is important.

[greenhorn]

Hey Dgiirl,

 

I was really surprised when I saw that you started this thread. Comeon you don't need to say these things, you know what you are or else ask from me, shall I send a PM

 

I like geeks more than normal shopping and make-up girls, and those who are smart, intelligent and not beautiful-dumbo types. My thinking is pretty normal so everyone must be thinking same

 

so cheer up

 

P.S - If you think I am trying to hit on you then you are not wrong

[alphamale]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

I know it sounds really gay*

* not that there is anything wrong with that, of course

[XNemesisX]

Originally posted by alphamale

so then humans are not social creatures and can be OK emotionally, physically and spiritiually by themselves for extended periods?

 

I personally don't see any evidence of that. Most studies show that people who are alone have more medical problems, more psychological problems and are generally unhappier than people who are not alone.

 

Friends are great, but it is still not the same as being in a committed love relationship. Studies really have shown that married people are happier than single people and have less medical and psychological problems. This was even part of the study I did last semester on attachment styles. I did ask in my study whether or not the person was single or in a relationship and the people in relationships had significantly lower stress levels and depression rates.

 

Altho, it's a no brainer that if you are in an unhappy relationship then this will probably not apply. Being single is probably better than being in a hellish nightmare relationship.

 

Dgiirl, chances are you will end up happily married. I think the majority of people marry. There is always a chance you will be alone, but I doubt it. If you really want to be with someone then odds are you can make it happen.

 

This might sound like crappy advice, but have you ever had a few drinks before going out? It might help you with the shyness problem...

I'm not saying to be an alcoholic. I drink because it helps me relax and be able to feel more confident.

 

oh...and I guess I do enjoy it also.

[jellybean]

Originally posted by XNemesisX

have you ever had a few drinks before going out? It might help you with the shyness problem...

 

Very, VERY bad advice.

[moimeme]

This might sound like crappy advice, but have you ever had a few drinks before going out? It might help you with the shyness problem...

I'm not saying to be an alcoholic. I drink because it helps me relax and be able to feel more confident.

 

Sorry, but I think it's the worst possible thing to have to use booze to 'feel confident'. You need to develop confidence without the aid of drugs, booze, or anything other than your own brain. Otherwise, you come to depend on the 'assistant' and think you can't be confident without it.

[HokeyReligions]

As for the drink first advice -- sometimes alcohol is not ALL bad! As a crutch is MUST be temporary though. When I was meeting my husbands friends at get-togethers I would have a drink or two to help me relax and be myself because I was so dang shy! I didn't get drunk or have more than a couple of drinks and after I got to know them a bit more, I relaxed and didn't 'need' the alcohol. But you gotta have your own boundaries so that it doesn't become a permanent crutch.

 

For the "committed loving relationship" I agree. Most people live with that as a goal or a hope. People with pets live longer and are healthier overall because they have a loving companion. Humans are social creatures with lots of love to give. But, not all are like that and not all need to have a 'mate' to be happy and healthy. It's comfortable though and I would not want to go through life without a partner, but I could and I could find other levels of comfort and happiness, although I will admit that after having been married for so long I would feel the emptiness and doubt if I could ever find the same contentment without sharing it with a loving partner. Mine would be a different type of happiness. I don't think I would ever want to marry again or go through all the getting to know someone and creating new routines, etc. But who knows? After my SIL passed away my brother never thought he would be happy again or could go through the adjustments and he just got married again a few weeks ago and is very happy. He is 58.

 

I know some folks though who have never married and probably never will and are quite content to remain single. If love happens along fine, but they are not out looking for it to make themselves feel 'whole'.

[smile95]

I made the mistake of drinking before going out and met a guy and then after a few months realized that I only liked him when I was drunk! Be yourself! If they do not like you for you, then screw them!

[johan]

...If they do not like you for you, then screw them!

 

I'm sure you don't mean that literally.

[smile95]

lol-no I did not! But that was cute!