Sister silent treatment

[DrMario]

Hi, I have a problem that's currently tearing my insides to shreds, my sister and I had an argument mid December, and she hasn't talked to me since, she's my only sister and since our dad died 2 years a go we are all that's left to each other, I have always been close to my sister, we bicker and argue a lot about anything and everything like a lot of siblings do but we are closer to each other than anybody else in the entire world, she's my soul mate and my best friend, we had it pretty rough last year, nothing was easy going and we took a lot of the problems we was having out on each other, we hurt each other a lot.

 

The argument we had in mid December was based on how distant we'd become to one another, we barely saw each other any more and we barely talked at all, I was really upset, I'd just been broken up with by somebody and I went to her for comfort and she coldly told me that she didn't know what she could do for me, she was busy, I told her about an appointment I had coming up at the hospital for some neurological problems I've been having over the last few years and she flat out told me she couldn't go with me without giving me a reason, she didn't seem like she was herself, she told me she just couldn't be around me so much anymore, I was heart broken and told her something along the lines of "well don't be in my life anymore" I didn't mean it, I was hurt and as soon as I left her house I apologised and told her I regretted what I said, but she ignored me, and has ignored me ever since, I've tried to call and she ignores it, I try to text her, she ignores it, she blocked me on everything so I have no other means of contacting her, I've knocked on her door and she ignored me, I even sent her a really long detailed letter telling her I'm sorry and that she means everything to me because she's my only little sister, she hasn't gotten back to me.

 

It's starting to feel like I'm never going to be able to see her or speak to her again, I feel devastated, I love my sister, she means the world to me, it's tearing me apart knowing I can't speak to her or feel comfort from her at the end of a hard day, my break up has been hard but this situation is eclipsing that completely, I find myself crying every day, I'm barely sleeping or eating and I'm struggling to cope, I just want my sister to tell me we are going to be okay but I doubt she'd even text me something as simple as that right now, I don't know what to do, what do you guys think?, and thankyou for taking the time to read this.

[Tayla]

What a sad time for you.

Sounds like you made the attempts. Make peace with yourself on that part.

Perhaps take time to heal... grief itself seems to illuminate what is genuinely important. Its understandable to want family to lean on.

Until your sister comes to terms...leave that door open.

 

My younger sister did the same thing after our mother passed. She even moved 1000 miles away to regroup her life choices. I made my amends to her and she slammed that door shut. I left mine open.

 

The key to all this is to accept our part, forgive ourselves ( and others sometimes). And when or if the time comes to regain that kinship,we are more confident in our changed choices.

 

So sorry your going thru this.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Tayla

[bathtub-row]

I don't understand her reaction. Why is it that all of a sudden she doesn't want to see you? Is it because of something that happened previously, or is this out of the blue?

[DrMario]

Thankyou for the advice.

 

I think your probably right, I've made my attempt's and there's not much more I can do in that respect, I'm trying to forgive myself for what I said, I just hate that it was one of the last words I ever spoke to her, my sister is the only family I have left, I feel lost without her, I wish I could approach her but I know that would be a bad move right now and I should leave things on her side of the fence.

 

Did your sister ever reach out again?, I don't mean to pry, I feel it would give me comfort if I knew she came back to you after putting all those miles between you.

[DrMario]

I don't understand her reaction. Why is it that all of a sudden she doesn't want to see you? Is it because of something that happened previously, or is this out of the blue?

 

I don't really know, I'd say she hasn't been herself, at least not with me, since August/September, she started to pull away from me and I am not sure why, I feel like a lot has gone on in her life within the last year or so and for some reason because I've remained closest to her, she has always confided in me, I'm paying the price, I'm a protective big brother and I give it to her straight and I have a bad habit of pointing out her mistakes, maybe I just invest and involve myself too much in her life.

 

We had a lot of arguments about general things going on in life so I imagine after they've all built up over time, this is how it's come about, it kind of feels like a break up in a way, my ex pulled this on me a while back but my sister is my only family, so it's hard to look at it in the same way and because of that it's far more painful than an ex simply leaving my life and ignoring me.

 

Her attitude had changed towards me, she used to be very happy to see me all the time and she used to love being in my company, lately she has been distant and cold and pretty subtle in her words, but I never saw this coming, there was no hint or word that she would ever detach from me and boot me out of her life.

[turnera]

It sounds to me like there's something bad going on in HER life. When you're having problems, as you know, it alters everything. I'd just respect her distance, maybe send her a card now and then saying you miss her, and you'd love to hear from her.

[CC12]

It's starting to feel like I'm never going to be able to see her or speak to her again, I feel devastated, I love my sister, she means the world to me, it's tearing me apart knowing I can't speak to her or feel comfort from her at the end of a hard day,

 

The bolded part stood out to me a lot. If receiving comfort from her is a significant part of your relationship, it's probably pretty draining on her. It's not fun to be the shoulder for someone else to cry on all the time.

 

I'm a protective big brother and I give it to her straight

 

A lot of the time, the people who pride themselves on "giving it straight" or "always being absolutely honest" really just kind of come across as as*holes. You don't have to always give an opinion (especially if you weren't asked for one) and you don't always have to "give it straight" if there's a more tactful, sensitive way of giving your opinion.

 

You said you don't know why she's stopped talking to you, but you can probably glean an idea from previous arguments you've had. Or maybe it was just due to the sheer volume of arguments.

 

In any case, don't feel like it's the end of having a sister in your life. It's only been a few weeks and she might just be trying to cool off. Give her a few more weeks, then email her (do not show up at her house uninvited again) and tell her that you miss her and ask her what you can do to make things right. You need to be willing to listen to what she says and make changes in the way you communicate with her.

[DrMario]

Thankyou for that very honest piece of advice, I appreciate it, since she moved towns to be closer to me, I feel we have become far too dependant upon one another, though it seemed like a good idea at the time, given she had split from an abusive man who she was in a relationship with for 6 years, it was probably one of the worst things we could have done, we seemed to get on better when we was town's apart, now we are only a street apart, I feel I had the best intentions of protecting her by setting up that house for her to move in to, it was all I could come up with at the time for her and my nephew, it doesn't always work out too well between family members to live so close by.

 

I always try to go about advising people in as honest a way as I possibly can, I don't go about it in the kind of way that you probably think, though I know what you mean and I hate those kind of people too, she had a very abusive ex partner who was very persuasive, at times his behaviour lead to many arguments as he caused her a lot of problems even after a year or so of being split up.

 

I thought I was doing the right thing by looking out for her but maybe when I look back I should have left her to handle it herself, and just given my support to her wherever she decided to do, I think since our dad passed away I have tried to fill his shoes in some way and be as helpful and dependable as I possibly could but maybe I pushed the boat out a little too much.

 

But this was all a pretty long time a go, and we haven't really had any disagreements since, she just started acting very arrange around August and would occasionally lash out at me, maybe the past arguments have weighed heavy on her mind, I don't really know, we seemed to be getting on fine up until that night in mid December so I guess that for me is the confusing part, and makes it feel like it came out of nowhere.

 

I haven't actually contacted her since a few days after that argument, the letter I sent to her was the last line of communication I had sent to her, I haven't reached out since, just the idea of approaching her at the moment in any way shape or form scares me to death, I'm starting to feel like it's probably best to leave her be completely and hopefully when and if the time is right, she'll come back to me and hopefully open up about what's been going on.

 

I will take your advice and listen very carefully to what she has to say and attempt to communicate with her better, for me, just being at the point of being able to speak to her would be enough, at least for now.

[Gigi2015]

Sometimes people need time off. Maybe she's trying to regroup or rethink life choices without the typical/ prominent influences. Give her space and try again in a few months. It doesn't sound like a falling out but rather she is in need of space.

[bigbaby]

If you've always argued a lot and you criticized her a lot, it's possible that she never saw this as the same great relationship that you did.

 

 

As the elder sibling, you likely enjoyed the upper hand in these encounters, which can feel quite different from the receiving end.

 

 

It's common that when someone gets the strength to leave an abuser, they realize they were susceptible to such a relationship due to their assigned role in their family of origin. Then they stop putting up with disrespect from others in their life as well.

 

 

Not saying that's what happened here of course but reading between the lines, a relationship with a lot of arguing and someone feeling free to dole out their "honesty" actually sounds pretty awful.

 

 

We only see a glimpse of a situation here but if that is what's going on, I suggest therapy so you really get it from her point of view before approaching her again. Merely offering more of the same is obviously not wanted. Good luck.

[DrMario]

Some elements of what you just said opened my eyes and I just had to look at myself twice, thankyou for giving it to me straight like that, I feel when I look back I lost my way at times last year with all that was going on, she has talked me to since but only in a civil way, I think therapy is the best idea as I would like to figure out a way to be a better brother to her in the future and I would like to find better methods of coping than what led to the arguments that we had in the past, I can admit when I've been a piece of crap to somebody and unfortunately this is one of those times when I admit that.

[turnera]

If you've always argued a lot and you criticized her a lot, it's possible that she never saw this as the same great relationship that you did.

Reminds me of me and my older brother, who always felt he had to 'parent' me and he did that by criticizing everything I did, showing me where I was doing something wrong, snide 'cute' remarks that HE thought I'd be ok with...to the point that I avoid him as much as I can. And I'm 58. I work an hour away from home, work that happens to be 10 minutes away from HIS house, and I don't even stop by there, because to me, being around him just means I'm probably going to get my feelings hurt. Why put myself through that?

[Pastypop]

The silent treatment is considered to be the worst form of emotional abuse by the behavioral health industry. It is meant to control, demean, manipulate and make the victim feel unworthy and insignificant. Most people who use this tactic have mental health issues and are narassictic. These people are also conflict avoidant, immature and cowards. It's best to just move on with your life and let her stew in her misery. Maybe one day, she will realize that her actions were wrong. All the silent treatment does is damage the relationship further. Please don't waste anymore time on your sister.

[Satu]

Treat harsh speech as if it is the most deadly of all poisons. Do not speak harshly to anyone. Ever. It is poisonous to the soul and the heart, and the words can never be unsaid.

 

There is always a better, kinder, option.

 

Be respectful even when you're angry.

[DrMario]

The silent treatment is considered to be the worst form of emotional abuse by the behavioral health industry. It is meant to control, demean, manipulate and make the victim feel unworthy and insignificant. Most people who use this tactic have mental health issues and are narassictic. These people are also conflict avoidant, immature and cowards. It's best to just move on with your life and let her stew in her misery. Maybe one day, she will realize that her actions were wrong. All the silent treatment does is damage the relationship further. Please don't waste anymore time on your sister.

 

I needed to see this as I am still in the silent treatment period with minor contact in it's coldest form, I'm tired and for the first time in my life I can honestly say that I'm done, everything you said rings every bell and waves every red flag, as much as I love my sister, this is who she is and this is what she has done, I can't simply overlook that anymore, I feel no resentment but I see the big picture now the haziness has worse off, rest assured, I won't waste any more of my time on her, I see no point in sitting at rock bottom on my own.

Edited February 14, 2016 by DrMario
Misspelt "sitting" autocorrect...