my christian husband cheated on me

[reb72]

hi everyone new to this forum-I just need some support. I found out my husband cheated on me on 3/7/15 when my doctor called me and told me I had chlamydia. I had decided to get tested for STDs the week previous when my husband complained that he had burning when he urinated.

 

A few weeks previous to this it suddenly came over me that my husband could potentially cheat on me- I never thought he was capable of it. I asked God at this point to show me the way and the next day my husband complained of burning with urination. I took this as God showing me the way.

 

When my doctor sympathetically told me that I had chlamydia I spoke to her for a long time and she gave me support. My husband and I had been married for three years and I asked her if my husband could have had before we got married and perhaps I just found out now. This doctor also delivered our son a year and a half previous and she stated that I was tested for STDs during my pregnancy and I did not have any. She told me my husband must have cheated on me and that she was sorry.

 

I then called my husband and I asked him what he did to give me chlamydia- I was so hurt and mad my legs were shaking and I could barely stand up. He denied doing anything- he acted confused and surprised and then he stated maybe it was from before we were married. He was looking up chlamydia on the internet. He denied doing anything for 24 hours and after my begging pleading crying throwing things at him he finally admitted that he had received oral sex from a woman at work ( he works overnights in a health facility with all women) but it was only one time and he felt dirty afterwards and he cut off communication with her after that point.

 

I was so relieved that he had admitted to something that I didn't question if he was telling me the whole story or the truth at all. But later I looked up chlamydia on the internet and it is stated on multiple sites that it is so rare to contract chlamydia from oral sex.

 

I don't trust him and I keep on doubting his story and I wonder if he is still in contact with her. I decided to stay with him only if he agreed to go to our pastor or a Christian therapist. He found a Christian therapist but he was so defensive during our sessions and reluctant to go claiming he didn't have anything to work on because he had created boundaries with all the women he works with- he states that he only speaks to these women about professional issues. I'm not sure if I believe this either.

 

But he was wrong about counseling- we had to work on rebuilding our trust and our marriage and healing the pain but he finally decided he just didn't want to go to counseling anymore because it is not the way he does things and just stated he wasn't going anymore sometime in early 11/2015.

 

He is from Africa and he says they don't deal with problems this way. I was devastated because going to therapy was the only thing that gave me hope for our marriage. I am feeling less and less love for him and I pray and I am anxious whenever he goes to work overnights. I am always tempted to call the woman he cheated with - I put one and one together and figured out who she was and found her cell phone number on his phone. He didn't tell me who she was.

 

When I tell him I'm going to call her, he says that it would make things worse because then she would come back and try to be with my husband again if she finds out there are problems in our marriage. My husband tells me that she stopped working with him when he stopped communicating with her.

 

My husband doesn't show any empathy for me for the pain and mistrust I feel and feels I should just let it go and get over it. He seems impatient and annoyed by my struggles and questions. I asked him to go off Facebook after I found out he had cheated to help me feel safe and he said he would, but then I found out today that he has been lately going on it and then deactivating his account.

 

I looked at his activity and it seemed innocent except a conversation he had today with a woman in his native language ( I don't know who this woman is). Today before he had this conversation, he asked me if I was ok with him going on facebook and admitted he had been posting pictures of us on facebook (one I found I did not like and deleted). I said that I was only ok with him being on facebook but only if he just conversed with men.

 

I thought this was a reasonable request, but then he had a conversation with a woman on facebook tonight- it might be a family member I'm not sure. He was sleeping when I saw it. I just don't trust him. I want to leave him a lot, but I am afraid of caring for my son on my own when we are just making ends meet together.

 

He seems rebellious and does things to make me angry. He called me a "lunatic" today when I got mad when he gave me trouble after I said I was only ok with him talking to men otherwise I do not feel safe. He said I have horrible uncontrollable anger and diagnosed me with bipolar tonight. I feel as if I had enough.

 

Sorry for so much info. There is so much more to this story, but I already feel I have written too much. I could use any feedback advice and support you can give. Thank you and may God Bless YOU.

Edited January 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bathtub-row]

Pray for God to send you a good lawyer.

 

It doesn't matter if he's Christian or Noah himself, your husband is a liar and a cheater. I'm sorry you're going through this but this is not a person you will ever be able to fully trust again.

[turnera]

he finally decided he just didn't want to go to counseling anymore because it is not the way he does things and just stated he wasn't going anymore sometime in early 11/2015.

"

Well, then, guess what? Staying married to a man who cheats on me is not the way I do things. So you either do what I need to heal or you leave."

 

When I tell him I'm going to call her, he says that it would make things worse because then she would come back and try to be with my husband again

Please stop listening to him. He's a liar. He's a cheat. Why would you believe this?

 

What you need to do is schedule a polygraph for him; go to therapy whether he goes or not so that you can become strong enough to do what's needed; see a lawyer to see what you need to do in case you have to divorce him; find this woman's contact information and whether she's married - and if she's married or seeing someone, call THAT person and inform him that she's cheating on HIM (that way, if they're still seeing each other, she'll be too busy dealing with her spouse/boyfriend to give your H any time); and contact your husband's important people and let them know he's cheating on you - that will give HIM a reason to think about what he's doing. Will he be mad? Sure. But it's supposed to be YOU being mad; you've got to get mad about this and STAY mad until he stops, ok?

 

My husband doesn't show any empathy for me for the pain and mistrust I feel and feels I should just let it go and get over it. He seems impatient and annoyed by my struggles and questions.

 

He called me a "lunatic" today when I got mad when he gave me trouble after I said I was only ok with him talking to men otherwise I do not feel safe. He said I have horrible uncontrollable anger and diagnosed me with bipolar tonight. I feel as if I had enough.

Look up "gaslighting" - it's what cheaters do to their spouse to make their spouse doubt their anger, make them feel guilty, make them back off. Your H isn't showing empathy because you are being WEAK. You need to put your foot down; it's the only thing that will get him to stop - he has to FEAR LOSING YOU. He cheated and you let him stay, so now he has no fear. And it WILL get WORSE.

[RySant]

Pray for God to send you a good lawyer.

 

It doesn't matter if he's Christian or Noah himself, your husband is a liar and a cheater. I'm sorry you're going through this but this is not a person you will ever be able to fully trust again.

 

THIS MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD hahaha!!

 

But anyway. Ditch the guy. I mean, c'mon. Chlamydia by Oral Sex?! That's stupid.

[whichwayisup]

He denied doing anything for 24 hours and after my begging pleading crying throwing things at him he finally admitted that he had received oral sex from a woman at work ( he works overnights in a health facility with all women) but it was only one time and he felt dirty afterwards and he cut off communication with her after that point.

 

Pretty sure he did more than just oral. And I doubt it was just once. Sorry.

[spanz1]

I am a little confused. Is getting oral sex somehow "OK", but getting laid very wrong, for Christians? What particular religion IS this we are talking about?

 

 

UGH, they are both cheating. I think the oral sex is in some ways worse.

 

 

He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is a card-carrying Christian, but is sinning and unrepentant. You were lied to and tricked. And he is apparently using social cues, etc, from your culture to try to male-dominate his way out of being caught. If I were you, I would not fall for any of it.

 

An unrepentant cheater will certainly cheat again. YOU have to decide if you want an open marriage with a liar, or want to divorce.

[privategal]

Get a divorce.

First he cheated.

Then you got an STD

Then he lied.

Now he is verbally abusing you.

Im not sure why you could consider staying.

You are in denial and shocked maybe?

Snap out of it and get a spine.

You are a mother. You are strong. The marriage is over.

[William]

Meh, another drive-by. We're trying to catch these earlier before members spend to much time on them and we do appreciate the thoughtful responses. We've got an announcement running on this issue at the top of this forum. I'll close this up.