Motive behind wanting to be friends?

[sleeplessincnd]

If you met someone and dated them right away, you were never friends before, why would someone want to stay friends when they already said they wanted you out of their life?

 

My ex wants to be friends and I don't see the motive for it, is it to ease his guilt? Is it b/c he wants to keep me around while he sorts things out?

 

We spent the day together today after 2 weeks broken up with moderate contact. We had a long talk about his family situation and he told me some pretty heavy stuff about abuse in his childhood and stuff like that and when we talked about us he just said he doesn't want me to go away and misses me but needs to get stuff straightened out for himself before he can bring someone into the mix.

 

Personally I was planning to have today be our last contact - for good. But when I bring it up he sounds so sad when I tell him I am not going to talk to him anymore. I wish he could tell me what he is thinking and if he thinks we can be together once he gets things sorted out in his head!

 

I know I am exposing myself to a lot of hurt by continuing to be his friend and be in contact with him but does he need me around so that he remembers what he is missing without me?

[LucreziaBorgia]

In that case 'friends' means "I want to benefit from all the positives of being with you without having to have to go through the hassle of having a relationship in order to get those benefits."

 

Will it lead to more? It depends on how much he benefits from the positives. If it is working 100% for him to have you around under these circumstances, there's very little chance he will want to exchange that for a relationship, in which he would be obligated to have to deal with the negatives as well.

 

The answer to the question of being 'friends' lies entirely with you. You can simply decide to tell him that you don't want to settle for 'friends' and that you'll have to move on since his 'friendship' is standing 100% in the way of finding someone who wants more. If you were to do that, and he missed those positives he may well decide that the negatives are worth it in order to have you in his life.

[sleeplessincnd]

Ok so I understand the whole premise behind making him miss me and making him commit to me, either all in or all out. which WAS my original plan of action. No contact until he contacts me - which is still what I am planning to do but a friend last night made a good point.

 

She said "if you start hanging out with him as friends it will likely grow back into a relationship as your bond as friends grows". What do you all think of this. I know he really needs a friend and trust me and wants to be able to be open with me.

 

He has to care about me and obviously still wants me around. He told me that I am the only girlfriend that he has ever had that had come to his work and wanted to spend so much time with him. He liked that and we had such a great relationship, I think that he sees now that this is not about us but about things that he needs to change but they are things that won't change for a while (mainly b/c he needs to move out of his parents' place).

 

It's not about waiting or wanting to get on with my life, it is more about being his friend and being there when he needs me. I feel like I can't turn my back on him now that he has trusted me with all his darkest secrets but in the same breath I don't want to spend all this time being his friend to have it blow up in my face in the end.

 

Anyone have a take about being friends with someone who has A LOT of issues to work through??

[lindya]

 

If you enjoy helping people try to work through their problems then it's probably quite satisfying, as long as you don't expect to get anything else whatsoever out of it, don't get too sucked in and ration out the time you spend talking about their issues. Which is probably very difficult, especially if it's someone you want a romantic relationship with. The chances are, you'll just end up with a few issues of your own.