Trying to End Affiar

[margie78]

Hello,

I am feeling very confused, and I'm not sure where to go for advice.

I found this website, and I am hoping for some guidance from anyone out there that might read this.

 

I am in my 30s, divorced mother of 2. My ex had an affair for about 2 years until I found out.

 

I started having an affair with a married man about a year ago. I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me. About 2 months ago, I came to the realization that what we were doing was very wrong. I told him I wanted to end things. But the break-up has been very painful. He has suddenly taken many steps to begin the divorce process with his wife, but I feel terribly guilty. Even though his marriage has been in a bad place for many years, I feel like I am the cause of this. He has been sleeping on the couch for over a year now, and just recently moved into their guest room. Over the weekend he opened his own separate bank accounts. He plans to move out in the spring. Still, I know it will be a few years before his divorce is final. He has gone to great lengths the past few weeks to prove how much he loves me and wants a life together. I try to ignore him, in order to put space between us....but I do miss him and always seem to end up talking to him again.

 

To make matters worse, I work with this person. In order for us to "be together" he has said he will look for a new job, and has gone an interview for one so far (he didn't get it). Our work relationship is very good, and a "break up" will not interfere with our ability to continue working together.

No one at works suspects, we are very careful.

 

About a month ago, I met a man that is single and very kind and funny. I went on a few dates with him, and we talk often. The MM doesn't know. I believe I am now in two relationships. One that I know is toxic and built off of lies, and one that is just starting and could turn out to be great. I feel like I am just living lie after lie.

 

I think about my children. I think about getting caught with the affair and how embarrassing that would be. I think about how the A is not really real. I think about how I am probably the cause of his marriage ending. All in all, I feel like crap. All of this sort of just happened, and I don't know where to go from here. Do I stay with the MM I've been seeing for a year, and take a chance that he will actually leave? Do I take a chance that our relationship in the "light of day" will be just as good as it is behind closed doors?

Or, do I take a chance with someone new, that has amazing potential?

 

I really just need some advice here. I know I sound like a horrible person, but I swear this has never happened to me. I don't know how I ended up here.

 

Thank you for any advice.

[RySant]

First of all, I guess my main concern for now is not the married man (As he is already divorcing the wife) but you juggling two guys.

 

You just mentioned that you are choosing between a toxic relationship and a potential amazing one. It's like choosing between a rotten watermelon and a fresh one. Do you really have to ask us what to choose?

 

I know it's too late to talk about fairness as you having an affair is already "unfair" in its sense but let's salvage what we can here.

 

What are your goals? Lessen the guilt? Be happy? Clean conscience?

[Maddieandtae]

Margie his marriage hasn't ended legally yet, he still lives in the home with his wife (kids?) and while the divorce is being finalized there will be a lot of emotions regarding the breakup of what was and what never was. For you it might be a good idea to go no contact for personal interactions and keep work as professional as possible. The single guy might have to be let go if you decide to end emotional contact with the married man as you will need time to process what never was with him as well. You are right to think of your kids they need you as an positive role model and more importantly an healthy Mom:)

[sandylee1]

If he's getting divorced then you can both be together in the end.

 

Is there a reason it's going to take years to divorce?

 

I'm in the UK and if there is no adultery or unreasonable behaviour grounds.. it takes 2 years.. but they MUST be seperated that time... hopefully it will be uncontested.

 

If your heart is with the MM and his marriage is dead and he's getting divorced..... tell him you can be together once he's been seperated and been out of the home for a while so it doesn't look suspicious.

 

One thing you said stood out to me... that 2 months ago you realised it was wrong. You mean you didn't know it was wrong from the beginning?

[Shadowburn]

That is really difficult situation.

I think you need to get some distance from both men to gain some perspective.

The new single guy of course sounds amazing, but who knows, maybe it is only because almost any relationship will look amazing after you get out of the hell that is an affair.

 

If you really love MM and he is serious about getting a divorce, some distance won't hurt it. But he may be just freaking out because you ended things and once he is sure he got you back, who knows, he may go back to his wife (we'd seen it here many times).

[Popsicle]

Well, now that you have a new single man, you shouldn't miss the MM once you stop talking to him. You won't be lonely anymore. So, just tell the MM that you don't want to be in an affair anymore and that no contact is best and that you two can speak again once he is officially divorced. Then keep seeing the new guy you like and be happy.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

A few questions:

 

1. Is the affair with MM your exit affair from your prior marriage or relationship?

 

2. Is your affair opaque to your dating partner?

 

3. Would you change jobs to secure an end to contact with MM?

 

4. What is your long term goal regarding relationships?

[privategal]

Margie,

you are starting a brand new fresh year just having said this:

 

"I think about my children. I think about getting caught with the affair and how embarrassing that would be. I think about how the A is not really real. I think about how I am probably the cause of his marriage ending. All in all, I feel like crap"

 

 

Just in those few sentences alone, I don't think you need more evidence just for you to be done. I know you love him and will miss him and it will hurt and leave a void in your life, I KNOW, but you are not happy or content.

This is the thing is it is always fun and exciting to start and it gets heavy and messy and you cant block out real life consequences.

I do not judge you, I am only saying you can end it nicely and tell him if his situation ever changes for good holding divorce papers that you might want to talk if that time ever comes but for now its best to have had the memories but to both part ways. From there, you grieve and cry and put one foot in front of the other and as the days pass your head and the fog clears and you will be so proud and relieved that you got out and made a good choice. This is no way to live your life in fear and feeling so conflicted and confused. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go to protect yourself and your families and know if you were meant to be that your life circumstances will align to make that so but for now he is married and not leaving. Hes living with her and your sharing him and in pain so you might as well make the choice and take control, you will still be in pain but its better IMO, I wish you the best.

[Gracie_1]

Margie,

 

I personally know two people who are or have been through the same thing as you are dealing with. One of them stopped dating single men when she was close to thirty years old because she was in love with MM. She is now celebrating her 50th birthday, still unmarried & living alone. Her sweetie never divorced his wife though they do live separately. But all his family, holiday and special events are shared with his family and his wife, minus my friend. She does all holidays, birthdays, special events alone without him. He will never divorce his wife although that was his said intention many years ago. But when she dated other people he made many promises.

 

My other friend dated someone who did not sleep with his wife per MM. He slept in the basement and was only staying with her until he could financially prepare himself to move. Well, my friend became pregnant and MM dropped her like a hotcake. The wife stuck by him and come to find out she had no idea there was anything wrong. Per his wife to my friend he never even changed his sleeping/sex habits in the two years the affair went on. So now my friend has a baby by someone who has child support taken from his check but he has no contact with baby per his wishes. He does not wish to upset his "family."

 

Sometimes married couples truly are unhappy and being apart is not the worse thing. But normal divorces don't usually take years. I think he is buying as much time as he can with you before/if he really does anything. Don't waste your life doing this. Tell him to divorce and call you when it is done.

 

In the meantime date single men who have the ability to walk down the street, sit in a restaurant and can go to a movie without worrying who will see them with you. If you have to hide to be together the ending is usually not good.

[Sassy Girl]

Does new single guy know about MM?

 

Honestly, I don't think you're ready for any relationship. I think you have lots of work to do on yourself before you're a safe partner for anyone.

 

You've gone from BS to OW (at work too- that's not smart) and now wayward yourself, seeing two men behind each other's back. You have a crap ton of work to do on yourself before you're ready for any kind of relationship.

 

My advice? Be single and concentrate on your kids. Work on being he best version of yourself before exposing them to any more men in your life.

 

So quit with the men and focus on yourself and your kids for a bit. Because your boundaries are crap right now. How did you get from being cheated on to being the cheater?

[among the pines]

@margie78 - You are not a horrible person & I'm glad you are posting here. I began an EA with a MM man a little over a year ago. It got physical last summer. We were both in love and his wife did find out. He separated for a few weeks, and was going to move to my area but he made the decision to move back to temporarily be close to his two boys (I have no children). I was fine with that but upon questioning him several times if that meant he would move back in with his wife he said no but it something didn't ring true to me.

 

He wanted me to wait for him, but he had already changed his mind on everything he was doing and seemed so confused about everything I was wary to make that type of commitment.

 

During this period I also was struggling so hard with the CD that comes from being in love with a man who is a proven liar and cheater. It started to make me act crazy. I broke off the "relationship" part (he got really upset but didn't seem to "get it"). We stayed in daily communication for a few weeks after that, but his wife hacked into his FB and read thousands of email exchanges between us over a period of several months. Right after that he told me he was going to visit his kids. I believe he is back with his wife now as I haven't heard anything for a couple months.

 

This is the first time I've ever been involved with a MM and it has wrecked me. My advice is what others have said - tell him the current set up is not healthy for you. If he truly loves you & cares about your well being you can sit back and see what action he takes. You have already said he has begun taking steps toward leaving. Are you basing this just on words he has told you? I ask because my guy told me a lot of things, which in retrospect I believe he said in order to keep me involved and to keep triangulating me and his wife.

 

It must be very difficult to have to work with your MM. It sounds as though you are feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, which is actually GOOD. It means you have a conscience and realize as much as you love him (we can't help who we fall in love with) you are involved in a situation that doesn't correlate with your personal morals. That is exactly what happened to me.

 

If you are really soliciting advice, mine is to give this nice single guy a chance. You don't have to tell MM about him if you don't want to. Telling him that you aren't comfortable with your relationship because of XYZ is enough. Single guy is irrelevant to your relationship with MM. And you don't have to make any serious commitment to SG as long as you are upfront & honest with him. That way you won't feel as though you are using him, but I think the company would divert you from obsessing over MM all the time and give you an opportunity to suss out whether he has long term potential.

 

My experience was that because my affair started off with MM lying to his wife and cheating on her, it never stood a chance as long as he continued to do so. It made me feel like a horrible person. Now that I've been in NC for a couple months I feel a little more sane. If he ever contacts me as a free agent maybe I'll reconsider.

 

You deserve all of somebody. You also need to think about what it means to live your life authentically. That doesn't usually involve lies, cheating, double lives, or anything else that makes you feel as though you are compromising who you really are. And because of how you have expressed you feel about it, I think you should have a frank discussion with him about it so he understands. Especially since you have to work together. If he's a reasonable man he will understand.

Edited January 12, 2016 by among the pines

[whichwayisup]

You don't know if what he is telling you about his marriage (pending divorce) and sleeping in separate bedrooms is actually true. It doesn't take 2 years to divorce! If he wants to leave his wife, he can at any time.

 

It's good you're not putting your own life on hold for him, but I do think that you should be honest with him and let him know that you are dating someone else as well. I mean, HE IS STILL married and I assume living 'life' with his wife. Meaning, they spent the holidays together with their families. Does he go on outings with her? Do they go out as a couple with their friends? Or he is always with you and rarely at home?

 

Time will tell if what he has told you is true or not.

 

As for the single guy, does he know that you're currently having an A with a MM? Juggling two guys isn't good for you, and it's certainly not fair to the single guy.

[William]

Folks, threads like this are the reason we have an announcement running at the top of this forum. New member logged out three minutes after posting this and hasn't been back. I'll thank you all for your kind responses and close this up.