jonm Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Hi I'm looking for different perspectives on a situation I'm living through . My best friend and his now wife (I'll call her M) have been together since they were 16 years old . He always kept her away from our circle of friends and never brought her over when he came to visit so I never really got to know her until my early 20's. As we got older we started hanging around more and more as a group whether it was just the 3 of us or 4 depending if I was seeing anyone at the time. From the start M and I always seemed to have this effortless chemistry . For years I would try to supress it . I would never making eye contact with her or have conversation that i knew my friend had 0 intrest in because I didn't like or want to make my friend look bad , bro code so to speak. He regualrly tells me how hard it is for him to be in this relationship and I've seen first hand how he does the bare minimum to keep her comtemp ( does things cause he Has too not because he wants too) . Because of that I've always suspected that she wasn't happy and didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship but wasn't sure till about 2 years ago when he caught her having an emotional affair with a Co worker. Long story short is he forgave her and they got married and had a kid shortly after (2 to 4 months later). Around the same time she started having the affair( at this point I didn't know the affair was happening) I started seeing her in a different light . I started being more attracted to her than I had ever been in the past but didn't put too much more into it and was still kinda surpressing myself for my friends sake .A few months ago I started really just opening myself up to the world and life in general which has benifited every aspect of my life tremendously but that also meant just being myself around M and this is where thing get a little confusing for me .I recently did a big month long renovation on their house and because shes home on maternaty leave we spent alot of time togethet.That natural chemistry that I was talking about blossomed , It didnt get physical but we have this soulmate type connection thing going on that is almost uncontrollable and obvious to other people including my friend.My first reaction was to try to go on as many dates as possible to find that connection with someone else but I find myself comparing the other woman to her . I dream about her almost nightly and think about her daily and although I can't speak for her I suspect that completeness I feel when we are together is mutal even if there are other people in the same room .ever since the renovation when we talk the eye contact is intense and altough I just want to hold her in my arms I resist the urge to make any physical contact Has anyone who has taken the time to read this and I thank you ever been though something similar ? Did it work out? Did it all turn to ****?All comment are appreciated positive or negative Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 bro code so to speak. Doesn't this still apply? Around the same time she started having the affair( at this point I didn't know the affair was happening) I started seeing her in a different light . I started being more attracted to her than I had ever been in the past but didn't put too much more into it and was still kinda surpressing myself for my friends sake . You'll have to elaborate as to why her cheating (and not for the first time, according to you) makes her more attractive to you. Doesn't paint either one of you in the greatest light. In a single sentence, here's what your proposing: Behind your best friend's back, while he's employing you to remodel his house you're thinking about having an affair with the already cheating wife and mother of his child. Does that sound like something you should do ??? Mr. Lucky 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Dude, Read your title. That should be enough to smarten you up. RL Link to post Share on other sites
brothers343 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Don't do it man. Tho she is a cheat and a liar she is still taken by your best friend with his baby. Don't sell your soul to the davil if you believe he exists. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonm Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 thanks for the reply her cheating on him, doesn't make me more attracted to her but reaffirmed my suspicions of her not being happy in the relationship. I've known them both for 16 years now but only really got to know her for the last 8 and havn't always felt for her the way i feel now .Long before i felt this way i suspected that she wasnt happy in relationship. She cheated on him because she wasn't happy and i had nothing to do with that .. Which bring me to the bro code question ,one of the reason i didn't think she was happy is because of what ive discussed with my friend over the years.he knows himself he doesnt make her happy and is afraid he cant find someone better thats why he stays . I have many of his secrets that i would never bring up to her including the cheating hes done over the years. Ive never thrown him under the bus and i never will. All i can be is true t o who i am which i havnt always been , Are you married mr Lucky? or have you ever met someone who you feel like you have more chemistry with than person your with? I'm not looking at this as some fairytale love story where she's the only woman i could have feeling for and im still actively dating but whithout a doubt there is something there that might have always been there or maybe its grown over the years and its causeing me alot of confusion thats why ive turn to this forum ,to maybe find some clarity Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonm Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 I'll just clarify that i don't plan on acting or pursuing these feelings but i can't not acknowledge i'm having them and am wondering if people have had similer experiences i'm more just using this forum to help clarify things a bit for myself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 on top of the Bro code....if she'd cheat on him....and then connect with you after having (supposedly) his baby, this is the best you can do??? Sadly, he has confided in you and you're ready to stab him in the back like that? Rethink that and what would you want from a "best friend".....really? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Best to distance yourself and never be alone with her. Don't take on any more work around their house.. just say you're too busy. Nothing is worth having an affair with your friend's wife....it's not the way to go. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ohmyohmy Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Just my experience I am a MOW involved in an almost two year relationship with friend/neighbor/MM. It started as a months long EA during which we both had the same feelings building as you are feeling. If you can find the strength I hope you can walk away now and fast. In my experience, the pain, guilt, anxiety, worry is 24/7...and my AP and I have a relatively good "relationship"...it becomes very overwhelming...but then you get in so deep it becomes so hard to end things. and there's a child involved...oh my...very few people/stories on here end well...almost none I've read. Good luck to you...it's a slippery slope into an emotional mess...keep reading the other story lines on LS. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Right, so you're in love with a serial cheat that thinks nothing of cheating of the father of her child? You say she's unhappy in her relationship, maybe she's very happy, she's getting banged by another dude and she's got a husband at home. But all that aside. This is your mate, besides the fact you haven't told him about his wife. As someone else said, realistically even if she did fall into your arms, she'd have to divorce him, then bring the child with her on top of that, you know she's a cheat, do you think when the dust has settled you're going to trust her absolutely? Especially since the baby's father will always be in your lives. I suggest you go on another thousand dates. Plenty of women out there. Soulmate is just a concept/myth. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 3 billion women in the world and you had to poach your best friends wife... With friends like you, who need enemies? 3 billion women. Move on. Don't be that guy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Ha, yeah, had a few of those moments 20-something years ago with the wife of a then friend who kicked things off by flashing me (whoa, impressive!) while he was in the shower. I figured out later that she tended to get inappropriately sexual during her manic periods and didn't pay it any mind. She still gets carried away once in awhile but it's not bad and I get it. She calls me her second husband now and he and I are like brothers. I think the 'chemistry' thing is just something to relax about; respect boundaries and accept whatever it is as part of living. I don't even think about it anymore except when coming up with life examples like here. The member who mentioned the billions of women in the world is spot on. There are. In my case I married one. To me, friends are too valuable to piss away for some sex and a nebulous connection. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I met my husband pretty young. For a large percentage of our relationship his mates were single or 'just' dating. Being an unavailable woman spending a lot of time with a single man produces a different dynamic. I found myself offering relationship advise, chatting openly & honestly about all kinds of subjects without the desire to 'impress' eachother because nothing romantic could ever happen. It creates a closeness, an intimacy, with a woman that they don't have because they're just cereal dating & don't have an emotional open intimacy with a woman in their lives. I've had a few very uncomfortable "I love you" experiences from my H's friends over the years despite my strong boundaries. I realized that it's quite common for feelings to evolve in these situations....kind of like psychiatrists & patients I guess. Now most of our friends are married couples with kids. Very different dynamic. Keep your distance. No good can come of this & she's likely completely unaware of your developing feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Are you married mr Lucky? Yes I am, happily so for almost 30 years. have you ever met someone who you feel like you have more chemistry with than person your with? Having been in the entertainment business for much of that time, certainly have met and worked some intoxicatingly attractive women. Were things different, there are some I'd definitely enjoy spending a weekend with. "Chemistry" implies a relative closeness and type of relationship I don't permit myself to have with other women out of respect for my spouse and appreciation for what we have together. I invest that type of emotional energy into my marriage. Were I single, I'd have similar boundaries in place for the wives and GF's of friends. The connection you describe is a gateway drug, don't indulge and you won't find yourself in a darker place. This has nothing to do with your friend and how he treats his GF or how unhappy she is. This has everything to do with how you're going to live your life, the choices you'll make and the person you are. The other details aren't really relevant... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 She cheated on him because she wasn't happy and i had nothing to do with that Contrary to your statement, she did not cheat "on him because she wasn't happy". She cheated on him because she is a cheater, and thinks like a cheater. She was not married to him and had no children when she cheated on him. If "she wasn't happy", there was nothing stopping her from being honest and ending the relationship without cheating so that she could pursue other options. This is what non-cheaters do and how non-cheaters think. The fact that you agree with her false reason for cheating instead of being a truly loyal friend to her husband, has everything to do with it. Maybe he was once your friend, but if you were still truly his friend, you would do the honorable thing and tell him how you feel about his wife, and ask him going forward to see you without her being with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonm Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Thanks guys i agree that their relationship details shouldn't have anything to do with my actions and like i said i don't plan on acting or pursuing these feeling i guess i was just giving a little back story for my own sake so i didn't seem like the predator some of you are trying to make me out to be (which you have a right to think) Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) Yes I am, happily so for almost 30 years. Having been in the entertainment business for much of that time, certainly have met and worked some intoxicatingly attractive women. Were things different, there are some I'd definitely enjoy spending a weekend with. "Chemistry" implies a relative closeness and type of relationship I don't permit myself to have with other women out of respect for my spouse and appreciation for what we have together. I invest that type of emotional energy into my marriage. Were I single, I'd have similar boundaries in place for the wives and GF's of friends. The connection you describe is a gateway drug, don't indulge and you won't find yourself in a darker place. This has nothing to do with your friend and how he treats his GF or how unhappy she is. This has everything to do with how you're going to live your life, the choices you'll make and the person you are. The other details aren't really relevant... Mr. Lucky ^^^^^ bull's eye. OP, if you'll be a true friend and respect your friend's marriage your life will be better in a thousand ways. Edited January 12, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Come on guy, this isn't even hard lol. Do you love your "best friend"? If the answer to that is yes, then you know what you have to do. It sounds you are in the early stages of an EA. Tell your "best friend" that you are a bit of scumbag and are having an EA or/and are fantasizing about his wife, then promptly extricate yourself from his life. With friends like you, who needs enemies? Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 There are some people in life that you just have to see as being UNAVAILABLE no matter how you feel about them. Those would include brother/sister in laws, friends wives /husbands and for most people.... anyone else who is married ..... but the first two groups present a whole other layer of betrayal. You don't want to be that person.. especially as she's a good candidate for an affair. I think Mr. Lucky was spot on ...there will always be those you find attractive..... but if you stick with appropriate boundaries...you'll be safe. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 They already have their own relationship problems to sort out. You have the option to distance yourself from her and not destroying your friendship with her H. I am an OW myself in LTA with my MM, and I wouldn't offer a rosy perspective being in this situation. It would be best for you to walk away, the feelings you describe that you get with her can be found elsewhere, it may be different but it could be stronger and honest with another gal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 thanks for the reply her cheating on him, doesn't make me more attracted to her but reaffirmed my suspicions of her not being happy in the relationship. I've known them both for 16 years now but only really got to know her for the last 8 and havn't always felt for her the way i feel now .Long before i felt this way i suspected that she wasnt happy in relationship. She cheated on him because she wasn't happy and i had nothing to do with that .. Which bring me to the bro code question ,one of the reason i didn't think she was happy is because of what ive discussed with my friend over the years.he knows himself he doesnt make her happy and is afraid he cant find someone better thats why he stays . I have many of his secrets that i would never bring up to her including the cheating hes done over the years. Ive never thrown him under the bus and i never will. All i can be is true t o who i am which i havnt always been , Are you married mr Lucky? or have you ever met someone who you feel like you have more chemistry with than person your with? I'm not looking at this as some fairytale love story where she's the only woman i could have feeling for and im still actively dating but whithout a doubt there is something there that might have always been there or maybe its grown over the years and its causeing me alot of confusion thats why ive turn to this forum ,to maybe find some clarity No it means she's SELFISH and has no boundaries! She is broken, not their marriage. Sure they may have issues but SHE is the one who is allowing herself to flirt and become close to you. Your loyalty is to your male friend whom you've known for many years. Not her. Fact is, you KNOWINGLY let yourself fall for her when she is your best friends wife and she's pregnant with their child. Do you really believe (think) you have a chance with her? It's fantasy, a pipe dream. My suggestion is, stop spending alone time with her and back off completely. She isn't stupid either, she knows what you two are doing is wrong. If you don't stop and he finds out, your world will blow up and you will the one who will lose both of them as well as your whole group of friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Brandyundercover45 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Hi I'm looking for different perspectives on a situation I'm living through . My best friend and his now wife (I'll call her M) have been together since they were 16 years old . He always kept her away from our circle of friends and never brought her over when he came to visit so I never really got to know her until my early 20's. As we got older we started hanging around more and more as a group whether it was just the 3 of us or 4 depending if I was seeing anyone at the time. From the start M and I always seemed to have this effortless chemistry . For years I would try to supress it . I would never making eye contact with her or have conversation that i knew my friend had 0 intrest in because I didn't like or want to make my friend look bad , bro code so to speak. He regualrly tells me how hard it is for him to be in this relationship and I've seen first hand how he does the bare minimum to keep her comtemp ( does things cause he Has too not because he wants too) . Because of that I've always suspected that she wasn't happy and didn't feel fulfilled in the relationship but wasn't sure till about 2 years ago when he caught her having an emotional affair with a Co worker. Long story short is he forgave her and they got married and had a kid shortly after (2 to 4 months later). Around the same time she started having the affair( at this point I didn't know the affair was happening) I started seeing her in a different light . I started being more attracted to her than I had ever been in the past but didn't put too much more into it and was still kinda surpressing myself for my friends sake .A few months ago I started really just opening myself up to the world and life in general which has benifited every aspect of my life tremendously but that also meant just being myself around M and this is where thing get a little confusing for me .I recently did a big month long renovation on their house and because shes home on maternaty leave we spent alot of time togethet.That natural chemistry that I was talking about blossomed , It didnt get physical but we have this soulmate type connection thing going on that is almost uncontrollable and obvious to other people including my friend.My first reaction was to try to go on as many dates as possible to find that connection with someone else but I find myself comparing the other woman to her . I dream about her almost nightly and think about her daily and although I can't speak for her I suspect that completeness I feel when we are together is mutal even if there are other people in the same room .ever since the renovation when we talk the eye contact is intense and altough I just want to hold her in my arms I resist the urge to make any physical contact Has anyone who has taken the time to read this and I thank you ever been though something similar ? Did it work out? Did it all turn to ****?All comment are appreciated positive or negative I know exactly what you're feeling. Been there. I had a best friend of over 20 years. We raised our children together, did everything together, I practically lived at her house or she at mine. Years ago she met this guy who I couldn't stand. I hated him and he hated me... or so we thought. When she decided to marry him I thought I had better give him the benefit of the doubt... give him a chance. So I did. We were all getting along, we were in our 30's by then, so we still partied a bit, albeit mostly at home since we had children. Like you I began to notice that he and I had this crazy chemistry that seemed to be missing with the two of them. Very long story short, next thing you know we're inseperable. Not she and I... me and him. I moved down to the town they lived in, and at first lived with them until I got my own place. Well living with them was a mistake. My friend is a CNA and at the time worked nights. He was a night owl and at the time I was suffering from insomnia. You can already tell where this is going. One night we're all up drinking and she asks him if he could sleep with anyone of her friends without consequence who would it be. He of course said me, and the rest is history. We had a three-some that night (not me and her, he had us both) and basically lived in a polygamist relationship for almost 2 years. She continued to work nights so he and I slept together each night, and I'd get up for work and she had him to herself during the day (he had his own lumber business which was connected to their 10 acre country land). It was actually nice and we lived together fairly well. Until one day... him being a man, bragged to one of his friends about his "lifestyle". I mean already it was the running "joke" of the town. People would say there goes "T" with his wife and his girlfriend. Which was of course true, but we denied it as long as we could. So when his bragging got around to her sister - who never liked me (nor I her) and already suspected what was going on, it all hit the fan. Worse, to save face, my friend acted like he and I cheated on her behind her back. We took that. He wanted to moved in with me (I had since moved out and he would spend nights with me - with her knowledge) but it was just too bad. I ended up moving back to my home state and though I told my friend I understood why she did what she did, and we made up, our friendship is over. Those two stayed together for awhile and I felt hurt to be the one looked at as the "home wrecker" but I just went on with my life. Even today it's still the single most unforgettable time in my life. I loved them both so much and actually don't regret a thing about that time. It was one of the happiest, stressfree times in my life. I do however regret losing her friendship. So, having said that, believe me when I say an affair here will not end well. You're too involved, too close. You should have never agreed to renovate their house feeling like you do about his wife. The only way to be with her is if she is willing to leave him and be with you, and you are willing to give up his friendship and all that goes with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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