Celie Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 my long term bf & i have had some major problems to work thru lately (loooonnnnggg story), but are on the verge of working things out b/c we do love each other v. much. after this period of intensity we are on a "semi-break." we hang out a few times a week & it's great when we're together, & we're still exclusive. one of the huge sources of our problems was my intense jealously of this "other woman," whom lives in paris & he has maintained contact with over the past couple years. (she is a very "angelina jolie" type. the ultimate image of cool, overtly sexual woman & they have a lot of mutual interests, basically, every gf's worst nightmare for their bf to be friends with, plus i have a gut instinct that she is attracted to him.) also, he needs to b/c she is a big player in his industry & can help him with his career. problem is, he's going there for work & doesn't have enough money for a hotel & is going to stay w/ her for a week. (she zealously offered, he zealously accepted (& yes, he knows how upset this makes me but his career comes 1st, which as a professional, I can oddly accept) now what do i do? act cool about it & see what happens? dump him b/c i know they'll hook up &/or he doesn't respect my feelings? in some ways, i feel like maybe their affair would get anything they have for each other out of their mutual systems. sad, but just being realistic. should i just give up? part of me feels like in some way breaking things off w/ him would just drive him into her arms, & what if i'm wrong anyway? any tips on this sitch? so confused, obviously... let me just state that i'm crazy in love w/ this guy after all these years, "crazy" being the key word, ha... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Seriously, I think that under the circumstances - it would be best to let him know that you need a 'break' too, and then begin severing your ties. If he knows how you feel about this and he is still going to stay with her, then that says a lot about where he prioritizes your feelings and needs in this relationship you have with him. Nothing you do will stop him from being 'driven into her arms'. If you break it off, he will go to her. If you stay with him, he will still go to her. Its pretty clear what his choice is. What will yours be? Stay with this guy under the circumstances, or move on? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 This is definitely a crisis for your r/s. However, you do have choices. I would recommend talking to your bf immediately and telling him how much it bothers you that he would stay with her, and ask him NOT to stay with her. C'mon...if he can afford to fly to Paris, I am sure he can find a cheap hotel. ...yes, he knows how upset this makes me but his career comes 1st, which as a professional, I can oddly accept... Just so you know, for a man and woman to make their relationship last a lifetime, it has to come FIRST. NOTHING can trump or be permitted to interfere with the importance of the trust and love between them. Not career, education, parents, friends, even their own children. Yup, that's right. Sure, you work on your career, education and family obligations, but when push comes to shove, and you have to make a tough choice, you either choose your SO, or you accept that you will not have a happy, lifelong relationship. ...should I be cool about it & see what happens? No, I don't recommend sitting back and letting your bf set up a naughty week in Paris without you protesting. Also...you'll never "know what happened". He isn't going to ever admit to anything...duh! ...should I dump him b/c i know they'll hook up &/or he doesn't respect my feelings? If this r/s is important to you, then I wouldn't give up without some serious effort. in some ways, i feel like maybe their affair would get anything they have for each other out of their mutual systems. sad, but just being realistic. IMO this is not realistic. They could easily start an affair that has enough gas to go 20 or 30 years, if she is really the demon temptress you fear. ...should i just give up? part of me feels like in some way breaking things off w/ him would just drive him into her arms, & what if i'm wrong anyway? I believe he wants to go and have some fun in Paris and then come back home to the status quo with his nice, safe girlfriend, who somehow has been brainwashed into believing that it is uncool to object to her bf setting himself up for a quick fling. In your shoes, I would let him know - calmly and clearly - that if he takes this trip as planned, it will be a major setback to our r/s, such that he will no longer have guaranteed access to me. If you live together, then it is time to plan a move. This isn't necessarily the same as a breakup, where all his clothes get thrown in the street and driven over. It is just an acknowledgment of the fact that the trust has been greatly reduced. I would let him know that I was open to him rebuilding my trust in him, IF HE WAS WILLING AND ABLE. Trust will be there if he does things to support and advance your r/s, and trust will be reduced or gone when he eagerly sets himself up for a fling. BTW, you would only be having sexual relations with him if you trusted him and his faithfulness. You know, it's not impossible that the woman in Paris is NOT actually interested. OK, there's only a 20% chance, but work with me here. Your bf may happily fly over there, dreaming of his exciting fling, and find that when he gets there, her ideas were quite different. She might be wanting an escort, companion, or just another boy to toy with and use to make someone else jealous. She may also enjoy feeling the power she has over him, to make him jump up and slobber, without necessarily wanting to do anything with him. That might send him home to you with a renewed appreciation. Take back your power woman! You cannot control his behavior by any means - but you can make sure that he understands what the consequences of his behavior will be. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 I believe he wants to go and have some fun in Paris and then come back home to the status quo with his nice, safe girlfriend, who somehow has been brainwashed into believing that it is uncool to object to her bf setting himself up for a quick fling. In your shoes, I would let him know - calmly and clearly - that if he takes this trip as planned, it will be a major setback to our r/s, Absolutely. You don't have to shrug your shoulders sadly and bow out as soon as another woman's set her sights on the man you're in a relationship with. Whether or not she is an Angeline Jolie-alike. She's issued an invitation that, should it be accepted, will seriously jeopardise (and probably spell the end of your relationship). As Solemate says, let this be known then leave your boyfriend to make a fully informed decision. Don't be drawn in by any accusations of jealousy, either. Just deliver the message politely, and leave it at that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celie Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 thanks so much for the advice. yes, sadly, i have talked to him about it many times. he just won't budge: insists that he can't afford a hotel (the euro vs the dollar is awful, honestly, i wouldn't be able to afford a weeklong hotel there either & i make a much higher salary than him) & that there is nothing funny going on between them & my jealousy is "crazy." just don't know what to specifically say that is going to help the situation any and give me any sense of empowerment whatsoever. establish a break w/ NC? (thereby letting him have an affair w/ 0 guilt?) i guess i am just hanging on by a thread. looks pretty desperate, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 ...he just won't budge: insists that ...there is nothing funny going on between them & my jealousy is "crazy"... When they start calling your reasonable fears "crazy", you know they're either cheating already or fully and happily open to the possibility in the near future. Look...if you're in a healthy r/s, and one of the partners has a reasonable, well-founded fear of cheating (as you do), the partner, if innocent, will NOT attack. On the contray, he would be doing everything to soothe your fears including saying, "Since it worries you so much, I will not take that trip. Or I will find somewhere else to stay." As far as not being able to afford non-cheating, non-hurtful to you lodging in Paris...sorry hon but that's B.S.! How hard was he looking? Not very, obviously. I just checked and found the following: http://www.eurocheapo.com/paris/listings/selection/roubaix.asp 53 Euros http://www.eurocheapo.com/paris/listings/selection/vivienne.asp 52 Euros http://www.eurocheapo.com/paris/listings/selection/argonautes.asp 50 Euros, Latin Quarter http://www.eurocheapo.com/paris/listings/selection/dumarais.asp 25 Euros, shower down the hall Or he can stay at the Auberge Internationale des Jeunes - INTERNATIONAL HOSTEL IN THE CENTRE OF PARIS, 10 rue Trousseau - 75011 PARIS FRANCE, Tel : 01.47.00.62.00 Fax : 01.47.00.33.16 for 17 Euros a night in the high season. Downside: share a bathroom, and sleep alone instead of with Angelina Jolie. Why exactly does he have such an urgent need to go to Paris, again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celie Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 he has a work conference he needs to attend. plus, as they are such good "friends" he really wants to hang out w/ her & as i said she can help advance his career so building on that relationship is great for him. plus when she was in our town she stayed at our house (which i hated!) so it's that kinda thing. in many ways, it would be very awkward for him to say no to her invitation. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 1) he has a work conference he needs to attend. 2) they are such good "friends" 3) he really wants to hang out w/ her 4) she can help advance his career so building on that relationship is great for him 5) when she was in our town she stayed at our house (which i hated!) 6) it would be very awkward for him to say no to her invitation Celie, is that his sh*t that you're trying to sell to us right now? I'm not buying, but it looks like you are. So, enjoy. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 every conference my guy had to attend, a hotel was provided? What is he going for and do you know that there really is a conference and not just a visit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Celie Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 the "****" is right. you guys are right. i do know it's a legit thing though & it's another long story, but no, they only paid for his ticket. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 I know what you are doing. Justifying what he has told you to make it not hurt so much. I do it all the time. Deep down you know the truth, but you donot want to see it. I know what you feel. you want to belive him with every bit of your heart and it could be legit. Has he ever lied to you before? Did he ever date this woman? How would he react if you spent the wk with another guy?I justified everything my guy did and all it did was hurt me. Just take it for what it is...if you trust him, then you guys should be fine. Trust your gut. I tried to disregard mine and got even more hurt. keep us updated. You know him best. Link to post Share on other sites
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