I thought I was doing ok...

[LondonGirl81]

I took a screen shot of this message above Privategal, and I will look at it if I ever ever have a weak moment and think I'm going to do something stupid.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Lol. Thank you for using me as a cautionary tale. LOL

 

Private- I know you're right. I keep sitting here and checking if he's written back and then remembered he's probably with his family celebrating and then feeling worse. What did I expect? I've been debating erasing everything- I haven't even looked at our old messages or anything in months- but still hesitating. I guess it's time. You'd think 3 months would be enough to get over this....

 

I was right all along- he let me go and didn't think a thing about it. I meant nothing to him. I was a short story. Not one of the ones where the men can't let them go, keep coming back professing their love. I know it's not better but sometimes it feels like it would be.

 

Damn, this hurts more than I thought it would. I am hoping part of it is that tomorrow is a very hard personal day for me- the anniversary of a good friend's death- and the emotions from that are mixing with this.

 

I honestly hope I won't remember today is his birthday next year. But I'm sure that I will.

 

Thank you for your response PG.

[privategal]

It is really hard, very unsettling and upsetting for something that made you so happy to be gone.

I know the pain is very raw and it is very difficult to only be one phonecall or keystroke away and to stop.

For me I kept just thinking "he is moving on, he doesnt want to hear from you, you are out of his life"

The more I said it to myself the more it became real.

Its final.

I wont see him or talk to him again.

Its real hard to accept but acceptance is where I want to be as it leads to indifference, my ultimate goal.

I dont try to analyze anymore how hes feeling, maybe they have hard days too.

Maybe they start to write or call too...who knows.

But it just cant matter anymore!

You dont have to wake up singing and smiling and feign every moment is bliss now.

Its going to hurt.

I think the healing cant be rushed and at first you do have to trudge through.

But do try to be SO nice to yourself, to others, to remember you arent alone, and believe the storm will pass.

Read less about affairs, love, breakups and heartache and try to walk, say some prayers, have a wine or cocktail, grab onto any peaceful moment and try and build on it!

I cleaned out my closet the other day.

Any painting, reorganizing, cleaning...these things also help the clutter of the mind.

I walked on the beach this weekend and painted my nails and took a long bath with candles.

I just so root for you to find happiness and strength again.

Tommorow is day one of NC...and hopefully you can call a mutual friend and celebrate your friends life who passed away.

Take each day at a time.

Soon you will be feeling much lighter!! Its ok you messaged him.

But just dont fall again only because I want you to start feeling free and proud of yourself and not empty and alone anymore.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Well, I finally did it. I got rid of my entire relationship via the messenger app we used. I deleted the app everywhere too. And I unfollowed him on twitter. I feel a little weird but it's for the best, I know. It was time.

 

And thanks to the wonderful advice from PG, I am going to stop reading about affairs and things like that. Things that trigger me and make me feel worse in 1000 ways. Yesterday was a really tough day- for a few reasons- but today it's already getting better

[privategal]

Standing ovation!!

Applause!

Closing that curtain...end scene.

I knooww that was very very hard to do.

It is freedom.

Im so impressed.

I even blocked Linkedin lol...nope you cant see my face or follow my career, sorry Charlie.

I know it seems gray but brighter days are ahead.

You may have a roller coaster in your healing as I have. Here for you!!

[LostLonelyGirl]

My affair was two months. ..we'd been friends for years and it also ended in feeling like I was losing him and pushing for reassurance, causing him to end it. And I am feeling just as you described

[rainbowsandkittens]

nm. changed my mind..

Edited June 3, 2016 by rainbowsandkittens

[HeCantBreakMe]

nm. changed my mind..

 

Uh oh what did you change your mind about? Following your story but just now posted. updated on how you are doing?

[rainbowsandkittens]

I wrote a whole post but not sure I am up for the responses.

 

Long story short: he came back. As I suspected, he hadn't been back to my city since the last time I knew he was coming. So he brought me a birthday present and asked to see me. We hung out a few days, casually. He said he was working on his relationship and he thought it was getting better. Then we got drunk one night and slept together. The next day it was full guilt from him. I didn't see him again before he left. As he was leaving we talked about what happens now and he joked that I "made him" do it (I didn't make the first move. At all. I'm sure he would disagree though. This is his MO.) He wanted to just be friends but we should still talk and see each other when he comes here. We texted when he went home for about 2 weeks. Maybe a week and a half. Then he just disappeared. Never responded to my last two jokey texts. Nothing indicating what happened. So I deleted the new app that I had (stupidly) downloaded for us to text on. He's tagged me in stuff online. Not sure wtf is up with him. I'm mainly confused though my therapist tells me not to be: he's clear about what he wants from me (to see and sleep with me when he's here, basically nothing to do with me when he's not) and I can either be ok with it or not. I totally understand that and am working on acceptance. I just don't know why he suddenly vanished. Literally the day before we were texting and joking and everything was normal.

 

So, basically, I'm an idiot.

[Poppy47]

I don't think you are an idiot but you did a foolish thing. You are obviously his "go to" girl in your city. Please do not be that person.

 

It will set you back a lot.

 

Most of us here have been guilty of sliding backwards at some point.

 

Delete all accounts and block him again. Just carry on, shoulders back and get over it.

 

Warm REgards,

Poppy.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Rainbows - you are not an idiot! Don't beat yourself up! What's done is done. You can't change the past. But, you can change the future for yourself for the better than this.

 

It's hard, I know. I've been in NC since early April after 1yr affair. Every day is a struggle, and there are moments throughout each day when it's unbearable. I want to contact him every day many times during the day. I'm sad, hurt, angry, embarrassed....you name it. Unbelievable and almost uncontollable range of emotions. I hate it and want out of this misery. But, I know contacting him is not the way out of this. It's entry into even a bigger misery. Been there, done that. The way out of this is to keep moving forward, without him.

 

This unbelievable attraction, connection, things that we shared, talks, laughs, all the things I'm still longing for etc.....can be really summed up as text messaging marathon and seeing him maybe for a couple of hours a week (on a good week) when his schedule allowed. That's what it was, and that's not relationship.

 

He didn't choose me. I choose me! You can do it, too.

 

Don't beat yourself up! Choose yourself, and your future!

[jenkins95]

Rainbows...... Big ((((hug)))) for you.

 

I really feel for you - you were so positive and strong in your posts in April - yes, I could see the vulnerability and uncertainty behind it, but still, you had such a great attitude....... And then this...... He turns up in your city, uses you for good times and sex and then disappears on you and goes silent. He basically let's you know that he wants you when it's convenient for him and he's in your city, but that you shouldn't bother him at any other time.

 

You then said that you could either accept this or not......

 

Rainbows, you seem like a lovely, nice person from your posts. Please please choose the 'not' option. Don't be his bit on the side when it suits him. It is humiliating and you deserve so much more. I know you love him and it's hard - but walk away. His behaviour was awful and so disrespectful. Never give him the time of day again. Free yourself from him, and wonderful times lie ahead.

 

You are great - don't settle for crumbs. There are men out there who would do anything to be able to proudly call you their exclusive girlfriend, but they are invisible to you at the moment. Time to move on, isn't it?

 

Sorry if I seem to be forcing my opinion a bit. Just that I hate to see a lovely person with so much potential wasting their time, love and energy on someone who had treated them so disrespectfully and clearly wants to keep on cake eating.

 

Keep posting!

 

We're here for you!

[Sabella]

Rainbow, I don't think you are an idiot, im sorry for your pain is all. I know you are hurting and down on yourself. You deserve so much better, I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment because of the pain. But you deserve to have it all in regards to love. This man will never be capable of giving this to you.

[stilltrying16]

I wrote a whole post but not sure I am up for the responses.

 

Long story short: he came back. As I suspected, he hadn't been back to my city since the last time I knew he was coming. So he brought me a birthday present and asked to see me. We hung out a few days, casually. He said he was working on his relationship and he thought it was getting better. Then we got drunk one night and slept together. The next day it was full guilt from him. I didn't see him again before he left. As he was leaving we talked about what happens now and he joked that I "made him" do it (I didn't make the first move. At all. I'm sure he would disagree though. This is his MO.) He wanted to just be friends but we should still talk and see each other when he comes here. We texted when he went home for about 2 weeks. Maybe a week and a half. Then he just disappeared. Never responded to my last two jokey texts. Nothing indicating what happened. So I deleted the new app that I had (stupidly) downloaded for us to text on. He's tagged me in stuff online. Not sure wtf is up with him. I'm mainly confused though my therapist tells me not to be: he's clear about what he wants from me (to see and sleep with me when he's here, basically nothing to do with me when he's not) and I can either be ok with it or not. I totally understand that and am working on acceptance. I just don't know why he suddenly vanished. Literally the day before we were texting and joking and everything was normal.

 

So, basically, I'm an idiot.

 

You're not an idiot. You had the misfortune to be with an MM who has less scruples about using others than even most MM have- it's a low bar and he still slithered under it.

 

You've found a lot of strength in yourself before and you will again.

 

My one suggestion is that you don't make him into a mystery for you to solve. His motives for disappearing are pretty transparent, aren't they? So why give him any headspace? You have a full life to live- don't waste a second of it on trying to figure him out.

[privategal]

Let me help you smile hon...you got the best closure of all...breakup sex.

LOL I mean that in a lighthearted way but hey...at least it was mutually(hopefully on superficial terms) satisfying.

Better than ghosting, NEVER hearing fron them ever again?

Yes he used you, yes, he is just not that interested.

That DOES hurt...so now heres proof. And Im sure you hoped naturally that deep down the inimacy would make him miss you and long for more.

But basically heres proof hes an opportunist and user.

So...dont look back.

Real simple. This was the proof.

You are feeling embarrased but HE bares more shame KNOWING he used a ice girl.

Id rather be you.

Time to start a new day.

Hes washed up yesterdays news gone back to the woman he CHEATED on.

She can have this sneaky lying shmuck.

[lemondrop21]

Hey rainbows. I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry someone has wasted your time and taken away some of your dignity in this way. You can take it back. I completely understand how hard it is to fall for someone who keeps stringing you along.

 

I mean this in the nicest possible way - it also can help to start examining your own actions and realizing that you had your part to play in the equation. Although you were transparent about what you wanted, you did elect to continue a number of times. Don't beat yourself up about it too badly, but realize that the fact you can make different choices now, is empowering. You can take your power back in this way.

 

I'm not sure if you've followed along on my thread, but I was NC in Jan/Feb/early March and then in sort of an up and down mess since then. The A has never been back to what it was before - and it's almost worse in that sense. While there have been times I have felt it was helpful for MM to know how much pain I was in, overall I am finding myself wondering where I would be now if I had stuck to NC that whole time. I have been dating and generally doing much better in my life apart from the A, but the A still half being there in the background is not really adding anything to my life at the end of the day.

 

So, I encourage you to use me as a cautionary tale. You might think you can be his "friend" when he comes into town, to start compartmentalizing your life just like he does - and maybe you can, but it's VERY hard to do when you've actually fallen for someone. And do you really want to be that person?

 

Just some things to think about dear. We're here. Don't be afraid to post as you work through all this.

[loveisanaction]

Ranibows...People can hide behind their words but their actions will always out them. Your married man is making it perfectly clear how he feels about you and what he wants from you.

 

You are not an idiot but it is time to get serious and be honest with yourself; your married man and you want two different things from each other.

 

You can't lie to yourself anymore girl; it's time to cut the affair umbilical cord...it's time to start healing and it's time to start moving on.

 

(((hugs)))....

[rainbowsandkittens]

Thanks everyone for the kind replies. I did read them this weekend but it's hard to respond on my ipad and I needed some time to think.

 

I actually had a very good talk with an old friend yesterday who gave me great advice about taking the good things he said to me and leaving the rest- rather than internalizing the crappy bits. It's hard for me to do- my self esteem has never been particularly high and it's even worse now- but I'm trying.

 

I keep wondering what happened. Why did he suddenly go silent. Will he contact me again when he's in next? But like stilltrying said- I can't make this a mystery for me to solve. This is not "The Case of the Disappearing Lover" more like, "Good Lord, This Guy is an Ahole." It's tough to not want answers though. Just my nature, I guess.

 

PG- Omg you did make me laugh. It's horrible but all the times we had sex it was never beneficial for me. I mean it felt great (and this last time, esp, there was a real connection and the touching... oh the touching....) but no big finish. What kind of an idiot am I? All this angst and not even an orgasm?!

 

I am working on taking my power back. My therapist says the one who has the power is the one who doesn't care. Clearly that hasn't been me. But I'm trying.

 

I did think he would see me and be with me and realize what he was missing and want more. So naive.

 

I am mad at him for so many reasons but especially for putting this all on me. For telling me the next day how horrible he felt. For disappearing me. UGH.

 

onlywhenitrains: This unbelievable attraction, connection, things that we shared, talks, laughs, all the things I'm still longing for etc.....can be really summed up as text messaging marathon and seeing him maybe for a couple of hours a week (on a good week) when his schedule allowed. That's what it was, and that's not relationship.

So true. I know it boils down to crumbs. But when you've been starving for so long you can make even crumbs seem like a meal. Time to stop doing that.

 

It's interesting. I can't remember if it was here or not but I read somewhere that OW are considered "low hanging fruit" and easy targets for WH. And secretly that's what I've been calling myself. How terrible is that? To think of one's self as Low Hanging Fruit. I don't want to be low hanging fruit! I want to be middle fruit- you know, the good, juicy kind that people want to pick and polish and be excited to eat!

 

Jenkins- I sent you a PM a while back. I figured you never saw it.

 

My thoughts are all over the place. Sorry! But I'm trying to focus on me. Working on my diet and exercise. Spending time reading and finding joy in my life. But if I'm totally honest- I still read his tweets (which is RIDICULOUS bc they're all in another language and usually retweets about politics and things that I could care less about. But it makes me feel connected to him? I know I have to stop this.) Blocking him is the next step, I know.

 

Thank you all again. You were very kind to me and I appreciate it.

[jenkins95]

Rainbows, great update! You are showing such strength. Well done - take your life back!

 

Thanks for trying to pm me. I don't seem to have got it. my box did fill up a while back, but I've cleared it down again since, so please feel free to try again if you ever want to. It would be great to hear from you.

 

Great to read such a positive update! One step at a time..... And you've taken some big ones lately.

[Onlywhenitrains]

Rainbows - it takes time. I broke up with my xMM in early March, was miserable. I could barely get out of the bed, go through the motions at work and barely keep my head above the water to get through the day. Then, period of pure numbness emotionally came along. I ran into him by accident at the store parking lot in early April, and we talked as he showed up at my place that evening. I didn't give in. I didn't allow myself to get sucked back into the A. Yeah, there was a lot of kissing and hugging, but no breakup sex LOL.

 

I was back to being total mess again after that evening. Crying attacks just came unexpectedly, and I couldn't control them. I couldn't sleep night after night, and there were days and moments at work when I thought I was going to faint and end up in the ER. But, I kept repeating those same last words I told him before he got out of my place - "we are finished". Desire to contact him is still strong, and it comes often. I think of him a lot during each day. I still wake up at night, can't sleep and miss him.

 

But, I realized that I have to be first and foremost kind to myself. One thing that helps is reminding myself of who I was, what I wanted and did in my life before the affair. And, I'm working to become that person again, give or take a few life lessons learned from this experience. NC is the only way. The longer you stay NC, the stronger you become. It doesn't feel that way when you are going through each day longing for him, and missing him. But, I know now that that first month of NC changed me, and gave me enough strength not to get back to the A when I saw him last time.

 

Keep yourself busy! Walking, hiking, working out, dance classes, road trip, some new experiences...I find it that physical activities help me more than something like reading a book. But, that's just me. Evenings were tough for me, when I'm exhausted after work and lonely. But, I made a habit to go to the gym every evening so I sufficiently exhaust myself and go straight to bed after that. Anything, anything that will make my mind not think of him. In my darkest hour, I come here and post my ramblings.

 

It takes time and patience, but I firmly believe it can be done!

 

You can do it too! Stay strong!

[rainbowsandkittens]

So we're currently deep in the throes of Push/Pull and it sucks. I don't even know what this is. We're friends, I guess? Texting a little more. He called me yesterday for the first time since January. It was good and awkward and familiar and fun. Sometimes we text and it's great and sometimes I can tell that he's trying to keep me at arm's length.

 

He comes in this weekend. I keep telling myself to wait and see what happens. That maybe it will be as good as I hope. But I am seriously starting to doubt that.

 

 

All of this. Sucks.

[ladydesigner]

So we're currently deep in the throes of Push/Pull and it sucks. I don't even know what this is. We're friends, I guess? Texting a little more. He called me yesterday for the first time since January. It was good and awkward and familiar and fun. Sometimes we text and it's great and sometimes I can tell that he's trying to keep me at arm's length.

 

He comes in this weekend. I keep telling myself to wait and see what happens. That maybe it will be as good as I hope. But I am seriously starting to doubt that.

 

 

All of this. Sucks.

 

rainbowsandkittens you posted this on June 3rd:

 

I wrote a whole post but not sure I am up for the responses.

 

Long story short: he came back. As I suspected, he hadn't been back to my city since the last time I knew he was coming. So he brought me a birthday present and asked to see me. We hung out a few days, casually. He said he was working on his relationship and he thought it was getting better. Then we got drunk one night and slept together. The next day it was full guilt from him. I didn't see him again before he left. As he was leaving we talked about what happens now and he joked that I "made him" do it (I didn't make the first move. At all. I'm sure he would disagree though. This is his MO.) He wanted to just be friends but we should still talk and see each other when he comes here. We texted when he went home for about 2 weeks. Maybe a week and a half. Then he just disappeared. Never responded to my last two jokey texts. Nothing indicating what happened. So I deleted the new app that I had (stupidly) downloaded for us to text on. He's tagged me in stuff online. Not sure wtf is up with him. I'm mainly confused though my therapist tells me not to be: he's clear about what he wants from me (to see and sleep with me when he's here, basically nothing to do with me when he's not) and I can either be ok with it or not. I totally understand that and am working on acceptance. I just don't know why he suddenly vanished. Literally the day before we were texting and joking and everything was normal.

 

So, basically, I'm an idiot.

 

Why do you think this time will be different? I am concerned you are setting yourself up for a setback and you have already been on this rollercoaster for 6+ months.

[Bufo]

Stolen from another contributor on another site but too appropriate to avoid:

 

No new contact = no new hurts.

 

What different result do you expect this time?

 

If you are going to be the moth drawn to the flame, don't add fuel to the fire with alcohol.

 

I'm going to give him the Brass Balls award since it's been 6 months and he has the courage/gall/cheek to arrange to meet you. He wasn't 007 off on a top secret mission for the previous 6 months, was he?

[Poppy47]

What is it that you are hoping to change.

 

Do you think he will suddenly begin treating you well?

 

Highly unlikely . It will still be the same as ever and you will end up a weeping mess afterwards.

 

Don't see him,

 

Poppy

[Poppy47]

P.S

You are his go to girl when he visits your town. Why are you allowing him to use and disrespect you like this?

 

Are there no single, eligible men there?

 

Poppy