I thought I was doing ok...

[Forceawakensme]

I've been meaning to post for days but felt too silly to. Not doing well. I keep checking the app to see if he's been on and nope. Not since the 11th. Yesterday was a week since we broke up. I thought I'd here from him by now. I know I'm not supposed to want that but I do. I guess I just want a sign that he misses me. That this was hard for him. But I'm not going to get that. Ugh. I thought by now I'd feel better and Im not sure I do. I can't stop thinking about it: what was good, what I did wrong, how I messed things up, etc. It's ridiculous. I hate this part.

 

 

Rainbows, im right there with you. One week today -- and four days since i said "hey are you sure we cant just have sex" to which he said "no, sorry need to end it and not open the door again".

 

Today and every day i am struggling. I am also doing the post-mortem of the relationship... Going through our last conversations, my emails..

 

I cant stop turning over in my mind:

1. Was i TOO keen when i said that, was he just 'done' with me.

2. Was i not keen enough by saying that.

3. Did i not moisturize well enough, did my legs feel dry to the touch and turn him off lol.. Did my smeared lipstick look gross...

4. Did he think i was a potential bunny-boiler when i told him i loved him..

5. DId he think 'we have no future' when i told him he shouldn't leave his wife for me as we arn't a realistic couple..

 

I am going OVER and OVER ad nauseum .. and i know it has to stop but try telling my head that.

 

Anyway.. Just for today.. I am doing the 'next right thing'.. I exercised, i am reading and posting here. I am staying NC.

 

I have blocked him on FB -- But like you, i still have that place to check and he signed on. He signed on yesterday but didn't email me. I think he may have just been going in to delete all his emails from me..

 

Anyway, you've been heard and you are not alone. I guess its just going to take us a lot longer than a week... We will get there though honey. I have to believe it.

[Lois_Griffin]

I wish he was hurting like I am but I know he isn't. He's still got his family. Nothing's changed. He used me for a break from his life and then when I became too needy he dumped me. Classic. I know I should be happy that this was only 4 months and not 4 years. That I got out relatively easily. But it doesn't feel that way right now.

I hate to say it, but you found out exactly who he was (after his initial lies and con job of pretending to be single, that is) pretty early in the game.

 

The fact that you continued with a lying con man after you found out how low he'd sunk is on you. You disrespected yourself.

 

You've basically got some lying cheater who put himself on a dating site claiming to be available when he was NOT. So he's got no problem at all SCAMMING an innocent single woman looking to date and he's got problem SCAMMING his 15 year life partner.

 

What a prince.

 

Would you cry over some con man who lied to you and eventually stole your life savings? I somehow doubt it.

 

This guy did the same thing. Lied to you and conned you - the ONLY difference is he didn't steal your money (given the chance, he probably would have). You should feel nothing but revulsion for someone who can sink to this level.

 

I got conned by a married man but the difference is, when I found out, I ran right to his wife and told her everything. Once you disrespect me, the gloves come off.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I hate to say it, but you found out exactly who he was (after his initial lies and con job of pretending to be single, that is) pretty early in the game.

 

The fact that you continued with a lying con man after you found out how low he'd sunk is on you. You disrespected yourself.

 

You've basically got some lying cheater who put himself on a dating site claiming to be available when he was NOT. So he's got no problem at all SCAMMING an innocent single woman looking to date and he's got problem SCAMMING his 15 year life partner.

 

What a prince.

 

Would you cry over some con man who lied to you and eventually stole your life savings? I somehow doubt it.

 

This guy did the same thing. Lied to you and conned you - the ONLY difference is he didn't steal your money (given the chance, he probably would have). You should feel nothing but revulsion for someone who can sink to this level.

 

I got conned by a married man but the difference is, when I found out, I ran right to his wife and told her everything. Once you disrespect me, the gloves come off.

 

I know you're right. And I hate myself for continuing with him once I knew. It goes against everything I have ever thought or valued about myself. It's one of the things I have a hard time reconciling about this.

 

One of the thoughts I keep having is what if he truly was looking for friends? I kissed him first on our date. I allowed things to go pretty far too. If I'd been a better person I wouldn't have done all that and maybe this would have never become anything. Maybe this was all something I pushed for and therefore I got what I deserved. I mean, I certainly got what I deserved. But maybe it's on me way more than him.

 

I do need to check out baggage reclaim. I read some stuff a few months ago but I was also in pretty deep denial and didn't want to read what was there. I should go back....

 

I did hide the apps that we contacted each other on. And deleted Twitter from my phone. I can still check one app on my iPad but its dwindling. Esp since I know he's not going on there any more. Even if he did- what would it matter? It doesn't mean anything.

 

I shot out of the bed the other night thinking he texted me. It was a bad feeling. I also remembered when I woke up this morning that he has a big presentation tomorrow. He was going to practice it for me. I know he doesn't need to and it's silly to miss that. I feel like everything I feel is silly.

 

Thankfully I have therapy on Tuesday. I missed it last week bc I had the day written down wrong. Can't wait for this week. I really need it. lol.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Rainbows, I want to add this as I saw the bulk of your communication was texting. I have had this issue and its been proven that texting is as addictive as cocaine. When you get a text, your brain releases dopamine, the same chemical released when you take a hit. Do this all day for 4 months and what you have got is a real withdrawal. So go easy on yourself and know that its real. You are not weak or any of that. We are all at risk for the electronic "hit" addition. I went through it myself and seriously, I wanted to die from the pain. I even saw him in person and we spoke but it was that electronic communication that was the hardest. Google it, there is a lot on it. It goes beyond an affair, people let it consume their lives. I can tell you though, it gets easier!

[among the pines]

Totally agree with MidnightBlue 1980. The constant online communication was the hardest thing to break. It is VERY addiction like. I feel like a have a huge hole in my life because I don't have all that stimulation anymore. That has been the hardest part to overcome.

[lemondrop21]

Totally agree with MidnightBlue 1980. The constant online communication was the hardest thing to break. It is VERY addiction like. I feel like a have a huge hole in my life because I don't have all that stimulation anymore. That has been the hardest part to overcome.

 

Yes, this is why I'm sitting here on LS in the middle of the workday when I have so many other things to do. He always used to chat with me around 3pm. Always. The silence is deafening.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Yes, you guys are right about the addictive part of it. I was so used to texting all day every day. Even before him there was another guy I went out with once who was all texting all the time. But I got so used to him eating goodnight and good morning every day. Bc of our time difference he woke up when I was going to bed and it was the middle of his day when I woke up. I shouldn't be as sad about it since he was getting more distant as the past month went on.

 

That's what's been going through my mind the past few days- how he really must be over me since he'd already been disengaging from me for weeks. I wish I could go back and be less needy, less insecure. Maybe he wouldn't have pushed me away, lost his attraction to me. Probably would have happened anyway but I can't help but blame myself. I miss him so much and he still hasn't been on that app since the 11th. I have always made assumptions based on nothing- he once remarked that I always choose the most painful story to assume- but it's hard not to.

 

Sigh. I'm so lonely.

[rainbowsandkittens]

so i checked this morning and he was on the app yesterday (afternoon my time, evening his time.) i surprisingly don't feel anything. there's no way for me to know if he went and looked at something of ours or texted one of his friends or deleted stuff. no idea. so it doesn't change anything.

 

i was reading SI last night (not doing that again. it was brutal) and one thing i got from it was the idea to imagine a stop sign every time you want to do something you shouldn't- like check the app to see if he's been on. it's actually working so far.

 

i am getting back on the wagon with taking care of myself. eating, dr's appts, getting things together. i thought i was feeling better. but all of a sudden i just feel so sad...

[Forceawakensme]

rainbows, you're doing better than me to be feeling 'nothing' when you know he logged on to app. My heart skipped a beat when i saw mine had logged on. ---

 

Do you feel you may have the strength to delete the app soon? .. I know i need to.. Maybe its a great step for us both.

 

Good on you for 'getting life together' with doc appts etc.. I have all these errands i need to take care of that i have been putting off.. for what i dont know, as if him reaching out to me will give me the 'high' to take care of life again.. Such flawed thinking.

[rainbowsandkittens]

for me i know crossing things off my to do list and actually feeling productive makes me feel good. so i made myself start on the little stuff. join me! make a list and start crossing things off!

 

i think my heart did skip when i saw him on there but since i knew he hadn't contacted me it wasn't an excited skip. more like a "oh, you're alive" skip. you know?

 

i want to go through and save some of the pictures and videos and stuff on there and then i'll consider deleting the app. but more than likely, honestly, i won't. i don't know why but i really feel like i can't yet.

[Lovetoohard]

It's natural to be in a state of paralysis when you are grieving. It takes time to work through all the emotions that are all over the place. Looking back on my experience, I barely ate, slept all day because it temporarily numbed the sledgehammer pain in my heart, replayed my relationship over and over in my head, experienced a wildly swinging pendulum of every single emotion I can think of, isolated myself from family and friends, drank more than I care to admit, etc. All very self destructive behavior. I know my XMM was sad too but he seemed to be going about his day just fine and my lack of healthy coping skills made me feel even worse. I actually got sick and tired of myself - woke one day and said enough is enough. Went to the store and got a bunch of healthy fruits and veggies, called a few friends and made plans to hang out, joined a new gym, etc. Baby steps. You'll get normalcy back in your life with time.

[rainbowsandkittens]

The first weekend I slept as much as I could- but forced myself to still go out. In fact I keep forcing myself to go out and see friends and do things. I feel like I'm too old and was too aware that it would come to this to wallow in it- though I want to. I have only cried once. Which I'm not sure is healthy. But laying in bed at night, or at quiet moments, I sit and think about the good moments. The kisses, the closeness, the jokes. And it hurts so badly. But I keep pushing on, making myself laugh and have fun- or at least appear that way. Fake it til you make it, right?

 

It sounds horrible but I wish I knew that he was hurting too. All I can guess is that he's not since the first time we broke up he said he felt bad... but more relieved than anything. He really is able to compartmentalize very well and he has such a busy life that I don't know that he even allows himself to go there. You know?

 

Gym is the next thing. I want to workout but I just had wrist surgery so I need to heal before I can do too much.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I went through the app today and saved all the pictures I wanted. I made an album for him on my phone so I can just check that if I ever need to. I read through a few texts but not a lot. I miss him so much. I dreamt about him and his partner last night and it was so sad. I think i woke up sad and it's just persisted all day. I cried a little, looking at the pictures. I don't know why I'm holding on to this so hard. He was on the app twice yesterday but not since then. I didn't take that as a "he's thinking of me" but somehow I do take him not being on as "he's avoiding me" which is silly. Maybe? I just can't shake the thought that he isn't thinking of me, doesn't miss me and is only happier without me. And that I'm never going to see or speak to him again.

 

I know this is probably all good things but right now it doesn't feel like it.

[lemondrop21]

The first weekend I slept as much as I could- but forced myself to still go out. In fact I keep forcing myself to go out and see friends and do things. I feel like I'm too old and was too aware that it would come to this to wallow in it- though I want to. I have only cried once. Which I'm not sure is healthy. But laying in bed at night, or at quiet moments, I sit and think about the good moments. The kisses, the closeness, the jokes. And it hurts so badly. But I keep pushing on, making myself laugh and have fun- or at least appear that way. Fake it til you make it, right?

 

It sounds horrible but I wish I knew that he was hurting too. All I can guess is that he's not since the first time we broke up he said he felt bad... but more relieved than anything. He really is able to compartmentalize very well and he has such a busy life that I don't know that he even allows himself to go there. You know?

 

Gym is the next thing. I want to workout but I just had wrist surgery so I need to heal before I can do too much.

 

He IS hurting. I promise. Mine also said he feels relieved, because the affair was getting too much for him to keep up - the deception, the constant anxiety about getting caught. It's horrific for them. And yet he also told me today that he is REALLY struggling. There can be both relief and hurt. Just like the affair is such a roller coaster of emotions, so is the time after the affair.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Well today is 2 weeks. It feels so weird- after 4 months of non stop contact to think that we went 2 weeks without anything. I didn't think it would be this long. I thought for sure he'd be back by now. I hoped is probably more like it.

 

We also were just on the app at the same time for the first time. Twice today we missed each other by like 20 minutes or so. Just now I signed on and he was on. He kept popping on and off. I'm trying to tell myself that he's chatting with someone else and not paying attention to if I'm on or not. Or even thinking about or wanting to talk to me. Because I am so tempted to text him. I saw something in a magazine today that I knew he would appreciate. I wanted to take a picture of it and just send it to him. But I won't. I won't contact him. But man, I have been missing him so much lately.

 

ugh sorry to sound like a broken record.

[lemondrop21]

Well today is 2 weeks. It feels so weird- after 4 months of non stop contact to think that we went 2 weeks without anything. I didn't think it would be this long. I thought for sure he'd be back by now. I hoped is probably more like it.

 

We also were just on the app at the same time for the first time. Twice today we missed each other by like 20 minutes or so. Just now I signed on and he was on. He kept popping on and off. I'm trying to tell myself that he's chatting with someone else and not paying attention to if I'm on or not. Or even thinking about or wanting to talk to me. Because I am so tempted to text him. I saw something in a magazine today that I knew he would appreciate. I wanted to take a picture of it and just send it to him. But I won't. I won't contact him. But man, I have been missing him so much lately.

 

ugh sorry to sound like a broken record.

 

The mind games are so hard. I play them too, with apps and email accounts and so on. I deleted our chat app this weekend but there's nothing to keep me from re-installing of course.

 

Good for you for going 2 weeks without reaching out. Keep it up. At this point you'll feel very weak if you are the one to reach out.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Oh there is no way I'm reaching out first. You broke up with me? You can contact me if you want. I take no for an answer.

 

I just really really really want him to contact me. My guess is, if he's not chatting with someone else, that Friday Night Wine is kicking in.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Well I deleted one of our chats. It came up with a "delete and exit" which means he must have deleted it on his end. I fought it for a while bc that happened once before, by accident, and I really didn't want to lose it. But if he doesn't want it anymore, f it, why should I? Read through it once more and now it's gone. I'm sad about it but I'm not doing that well moving on so maybe this will help...

[privategal]

Im truly trying to be sweet by saying this but each time you check these apps, you go back to day one of NC.

Your dragging out your healing.

A clean sweep of pictures, texts, block it all..or you won't start to ease the pain.

No one feels like they will heal, its hell and tremendous pain so do not add to it.

Rearrange furniture, get a new bedspread and pillows, these gestures change your space. Put a green plant too.

But just...stop...analyzing...he isnt.

Please stop staying stuck on your phone. Delete. It will hurt but your in NC.

Take your healing more seriously.

Edited January 23, 2016 by privategal

[insidemymind02]

Yes, you guys are right about the addictive part of it. I was so used to texting all day every day. Even before him there was another guy I went out with once who was all texting all the time. But I got so used to him eating goodnight and good morning every day. Bc of our time difference he woke up when I was going to bed and it was the middle of his day when I woke up. I shouldn't be as sad about it since he was getting more distant as the past month went on.

 

That's what's been going through my mind the past few days- how he really must be over me since he'd already been disengaging from me for weeks. I wish I could go back and be less needy, less insecure. Maybe he wouldn't have pushed me away, lost his attraction to me. Probably would have happened anyway but I can't help but blame myself. I miss him so much and he still hasn't been on that app since the 11th. I have always made assumptions based on nothing- he once remarked that I always choose the most painful story to assume- but it's hard not to.

 

Sigh. I'm so lonely.

 

 

 

The first time it ended between my xMM and I the most difficult thing was how quiet my phone was. When we were together it went off all day long and it was just that little jolt of excitement. It so easily sucks you in!!!! I turned my ringers off and had no notifications so that I would get used to my phone being silent. IT took some time, but eventually the silence was not so bad. I still miss the ongoing communication though...

[rainbowsandkittens]

Im truly trying to be sweet by saying this but each time you check these apps, you go back to day one of NC.

Your dragging out your healing.

A clean sweep of pictures, texts, block it all..or you won't start to ease the pain.

No one feels like they will heal, its hell and tremendous pain so do not add to it.

Rearrange furniture, get a new bedspread and pillows, these gestures change your space. Put a green plant too.

But just...stop...analyzing...he isnt.

Please stop staying stuck on your phone. Delete. It will hurt but your in NC.

Take your healing more seriously.

 

I have not checked the app since yesterday morning. I am trying to be done. I think the problem is- I'm not ready to let this go. That's the truth. But you're right. I don't have a choice. He already has. He's not analyzing every little thing. This is already past for him. I need to find a way for it to be for me too. I feel like it should be already but I know that I always take a long time to heal after breakups so I'm trying to be more patient with myself. I'll get there.

 

Anyway, thank you for this. And to everyone for their comments.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I'm basically just using this as an online journal so forgive me.

 

Today would have been 5 months. I realized yesterday that it's less than 2 weeks until he'll be here. This would have been when we would have started getting excited, planning the things we would do when he was here, what he would cook for me. I hate this. I hate that I'm missing it and I hate that I'm sad to miss it at the same time.

 

This whole situation is the worst- feeling a certain way and then hating yourself for having those feelings. Knowing all the right things and all the right reasons and still having those twinges inside.

 

It's been 2.5 days since I've been on the app. No checking at all. I feel good about it. I find myself figuring out what time it is where he is less and less. Work is busy so that's good and helpful.

 

But if I'm being honest I keep reading how people say they ALWAYS contact you again etc and I keep wondering why he's not. I know I shouldn't want him to but somehow it makes me feel like more of a loser.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Hi.

 

So after avoiding the app since Sunday I just signed on. He had been on right before me.Which means, as I knew, that he's clearly writing to other people and not there for me. Which instantly made me feel bad. Now I can't stop checking it. (I will. It's just this moment that it feels hard.)

 

I went to Baggage Reclaim this week and bought 3 of their ebooks as well as the Self Esteem Mp3 and book. I also listened to her podcast about dating someone in a relationship about 5 times (That part is only like 5 min, and it's mostly just DON'T DO IT. But the thing that she says that gets me is that in an affair not only are you delaying meeting someone available and right for you, you're also delaying your AP figuring their **** out and fixing what's wrong with them. It was interesting to me since that's something my AP said to me. That he needed to figure it all out.) I'm going to start doing some of the exercises they suggest and see if I can get a handle on all of this. It was 3 weeks today so it's not like it's been so long that I feel like I need to be over it but I am working towards it.

 

I just need to get past the week that he's here. After that I won't ever know when he's in my city again so that's the last hurdle. It hurts my heart just thinking about him being here and not being able to see him.

 

I had therapy last night which was not as helpful as I hoped, clearly. lol

[rainbowsandkittens]

I am so stupid. I can't get over this. I have been going back to the app that we texted on way too much lately. I feel like I can't stop. I keep hoping we'll be online at the same time and he'll text me.

 

Today he was off and on all day (the first time like this in a while) and I realized that he's probably writing to someone else. Spent the whole day talking to someone like he used to talk to me. I'm guessing it's the girl I first mentioned- the one who was his "best friend" before I came around.

 

I am so jealous and sad and pissed. Pissed bc he clearly just needs someone around at all times. That I wasn't special and didn't matter. I keep reading the thread about MM hurting and the truth is- he's not. He's moved on. If he missed me, if he wanted to talk to me... he would. It's as simple as that. Even if I wish it were more complicated.

 

I tried writing him a letter (not to be sent, obviously) about all the things that hurt me and that I'm mad about etc etc (as per BR) and I stopped about halfway through and haven't been able to go back to it. It's so upsetting. But I also think I need to just get it all out. I really am doing my best to move on but ugh. This is the worst.

 

I just read this btw which really hits home today:

 

Why wasn't I enough for him/her? Why don't they want me? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

esp this:

 

The difficultly with compromising ourselves in order to have a ‘some crumbs relationship’ rather than ‘no crumbs at all’, is that when the inevitable happens and we end up unhappy and/or things come to an end, we wonder why we weren’t ‘enough’ and where we went ‘wrong’. “I was willing to make ends meet with your crumbs and put them through the exaggeration oven and turn them into a loaf while making up the shortfall with my love, devotion and lack of boundaries and you still don’t want me?”

 

I keep wondering what I did wrong, what else I could have done, etc. I know, logically, that the answer is nothing. That there is something wrong with him. But it just doesn't feel that was in my heart.

[Liam1]

I do miss the way he made me feel. When things were good. When I felt we were connected.

 

But exactly? I miss chatting with him. We would text pretty much the entire day (until the last few weeks when he started to pull back some). It was- among other things- a great time filler at work and it made me feel really wanted having someone contact me that much. It gave me a thrill each time I heard from him. I miss his sense of humor. He always swore he wasn't funny or that I was the only person who thought he was. But he really is very clever and funny and can be very silly. I miss seeing him- via pictures or facetime. He is still one of the best looking men I know. Just my total type. I miss his accent. Oh man, his accent. I never knew I had a thing for accents until I met him. Lol. I miss the anticipation of him coming here in a few weeks. The planning, the excitement. I think that week will be very hard for me. But since I don't know his travel plans beyond that I know this is the only time I'll have to worry about it.

 

Rainbow and Kittens:

 

You really don't know this man.

 

You are likely in love with an illusion, or maybe just the excitement of the forbidden or craving something you can not have all the time.