Montsan Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Hi.............. No one knows me here, but I just have to vent. I just can't keep this bottled up inside me. I have to tell someone. First of all, I have been married for 35 years and have two beautiful children. In 1978 I lived in San Francisco where I met the most beautiful girl in the world. Her beauty went beyond just her physical appearance. There was a warmth and lovingness to her that just shown on her face. She was a free-spirited German girl, 27 years old, who was touring the U.S. on the cheap, staying in hostels. When I met her, she ended up staying with me for a week. It was the happiest time of my life! She was just everything I had ever dreamed of. She was so beautiful and so loving, and so full of life and fun. We drove down the coast to Monterey and spent a few days there. We strolled along the beach holding hands. We dined in the best seaside restaurants. It was so wonderful. I had fallen so much in love with her. I asked her to stay a couple of times, but she said she had to get back to Berlin. On her last day there we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean, and my heart was breaking. When I finally saw her off at the airport, I'll never forget my last sight of her. She smiled at me so warmly and placed a loving hand on my cheek. That image of her is forever etched into my memory. I can remember exactly what she looked like as though it was yesterday - those amazingly beautiful eyes, her beautiful smile, her beautiful, soft, warm voice. When she left, I went back and sat on the same bench we had last sat on together, feeling that she was somehow close. I felt totally numb. Driving back to San Francisco, I felt as though there was a big empty hole inside me. The seat next to me was empty. When I finally got back to San Francisco and in my apartment that we had shared for that brief period of time, the vision of her was everywhere. I broke down and cried like a baby. After awhile, I decided that I'd get over her, that there were plenty of other girls out there. A couple of years later, I did meet a wonderful girl who I married. But I've never gotten over the love of my life. I've thought about her from time to time over the years. The other day I was thinking about her and I suddenly wondered if she might be on Facebook, so I searched her name, and there she was! If she hadn't been using her maiden name I would have never found her. It was like getting hit by a thunderbolt! All the memories just flooded back and I remembered her as clearly as though I had just seen her earlier in the day. She's as beautiful now as she was back then! She's standing with a young lady who I can only assume is her daughter, as she looks so much like her mother did way back then. Ever since then I've just been an emotional wreck. All my memories of her are now so vivid, and the way I felt about her has just come to the forefront, as though I've kept those feelings bottled up for so long, and now they're just pouring out. I can even smell the ocean breeze from that day so long ago. I've heard happily married people say that they knew from the start that the person they married was the one. It was meant to be. Well, that's how I felt about her, and still do. I am so sad! I did some more searching and found where she lives, and I got her phone number. I've been going nuts trying to decide whether or not to call her. Of course, I'd never tell her of my undying love for her, but just tell her that I'd thought of her off and on again over the years, and that I just wanted to touch bases with her and wish her the best. I'm sure that if she remembers me at all, it would simply be of a fun tryst she once had with someone a long, long time ago. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Is she married? (I know you are) Does she live in The US? Do you just want a long distance EA? (Lots of bored married folk just want that) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 Yes, she's married. I don't want to get anything going. I just want to speak to her once and get some closure. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I'm absolutely horrified that in spite of having a daughter she's - (a) using her maiden name, (b) you did some more searching and found where she lives, and © you now even have her phone number! How in hell's name....?? Don't call her, reach out to her or contact her. you may well intend to keep your true feelings secret from her but the truth is, you have an agenda, and this will cause a huge emotional upheaval for you and create real problems within your marriage. Back off, and leave well alone. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Yes, she's married. I don't want to get anything going. I just want to speak to her once and get some closure. That's utter bull. You should have reached closure long ago. It's not something she can give you. It's something you create for yourself. This isn't closure. You don't want closure. You want to re-captivate those heady times. This is opening a great, big, fat can of worms, that's what it is. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 11, 2016 Author Share Posted January 11, 2016 I had sent her a message through Facebook, but she doesn't use FB. Her last post was in 2014, so I'll assume she doesn't know I had messaged her. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 Leave. Well. Alone. You are playing with fire and you and she, and your wife (most importantly) are liable to get burnt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 11, 2016 Share Posted January 11, 2016 I had sent her a message through Facebook, but she doesn't use FB. Her last post was in 2014, so I'll assume she doesn't know I had messaged her. Good. Read what Tara posted above several times. And tell your wife what you did... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Actually, we wrote to each other for awhile (before email), but then I decided that we'd never get together again, and I didn't want to torment myself, so I just stopped writing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cymbeline Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 You are having a mid life crisis. Stop it. They are no fun for anyone. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 35 years later you need closure, really? I hope if she'd ever received your message, she won't even remember you, and this whole saga will end in just slight embarrassment for you. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 (edited) I'm concerned about your emotional health. It's as if you are stuck in 1978 despite being a married father over 30 years later. You were not "in love" with this woman. You were infatuated with her and you have idealized the short interlude in your mind. It's very troubling that you have been looking for this lady's contact information and thinking of whether or not you should call her. Please don't do that. She may not even remember you and she will probably think you are a creepy stalker. Make an appointment to see a therapist. Think about what is missing in your life. Edited January 12, 2016 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Montsan, it's hard from reading a post or two on the internet from a stranger to be able to evaluate his/her feelings about another. You know in your heart whether or not you can set your thoughts and feelings for this woman aside and give your wife your all. If you can't, you need to let her know. It's possible that if you tell your wife about her your feelings will dissipate, at least some, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Hmmm, I find the posts here seems a bit harsh (just a bit) but everyone has great points and morally right. But feelings are feelings and that's what Montsan needs to sort out. @Montsan: Why did you marry a woman when you're so in love with the past? Aren't you being unfair to her? I mean. I wouldn't want to marry someone whol might jump over with their "ex" once that person is available for whatever reason. You married your wife, promised her to love and take care of her. You saw something in this woman enough for you to marry her. Stay focused on those feelings instead of what happened in 1978. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Yes, she's married. I don't want to get anything going. Why not? I just want to speak to her once and get some closure. How do you imagine that conversation going? What are you hoping to hear her say? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Of course, I'd never tell her of my undying love for her, but just tell her that I'd thought of her off and on again over the years, and that I just wanted to touch bases with her and wish her the best. Okay, this is what you posted that you want to say to her, but I think you need to search yourself and be honest with yourself. I think "closure" to you means that she expresses the same feelings in return, which you will take and run with that (even if it's just to fuel your fantasies). This is still not healthy because it can cause problems. I fueled my xMM's fantasies and it felt safe for him because it was his private thoughts that I'm sure he thought didn't harm anyone, but you are stuck when you do this. You should live a more authentic life. You also don't know what havoc it could wreck on her (the OW). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I just want to speak to her once and get some closure. There has to be some rational part of your brain that understands you can't be "in love" with someone you spent 7 days with three decades ago. This isn't about her, you feelings for her or a bond you shared on a beach in the '70's. 90% of your original post is meaningless filler, you might as well be pining away for Lois Lane. You need to figure out what's going on in your life and marriage that put you in this position. That information would be a lot more valuable than a past acquaintance's maiden name and phone number... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Right. Right. You're all right. It was just that seeing her picture suddenly flooded me with the memory of her, and I suddenly found myself back there again. I have no doubt that she has had a happy life with someone she loves. I can't remember all the relationships I'd had in the years before getting married (at 32). I'm wondering how I would feel if I suddenly got a call from some long forgotten lover from forty years ago. Anyway, my wife was very beautiful, too, when I met her, and she had that same warmth and lovingness about her that is so rare. She used to turn heads wherever we went. So, yes, I do love my wife very much, and when I said I'd thought of my German girl over the years, I have to be honest with myself and say that my thoughts have been more of a fond memory rather than a yearning. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 If you love your wife, you will not make any other attempts to contact this other woman again. Absolutely NOTHING good will come out of it. You're living in a fantasy and any attempts to make your fantasy a reality will cause irreparable harm to those you love. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Best way to find closure is to close the door. Stop looking for her, stop speculating about contacting her. Oh... and have some respect for your wife. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Yes, she's married. I don't want to get anything going. I just want to speak to her once and get some closure. Let it go. NO GOOD CAN COME OF YOU contacting her after so many years. It'll ruin your life. You won't just talk to her 'once' and move on. No flipping way. You will want to keep in touch and have a "friendship" which will just feed your feelings even more. This woman whom you remember so fondly and love so much, isn't the woman you once knew. You have no idea what kind of life she's had, or what type of person she is now. She never looked for you on facebook after all this time... That in itself should make you stop and think. You are risking your wife and family as you know it now, for what? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 You need to figure out what's going on in your life and marriage that put you in this position. That information would be a lot more valuable than a past acquaintance's maiden name and phone number... Great advice. Montsan, I'm probably your age, more or less, and have been married about as long. At times an old gf will cross my mind and bring back a warm memory or two, but that's all it amounts to. The fact that those old memories are taking a much larger form in your mind and nothing to do with this old love (if you can even call her that) and everything to do with you and where you are in your life. Do yourself a big favor and figure out what's going on with you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I don't imagine she will thank you if you contact her. It would probably just be an inconvenience for her. I think, respectfully, you have a romantic memory of a dalliance. She wasn't with you long enough to be the love of your life. If she had wanted you, I'm sure she would have been in touch before now. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) I don't get it, if u loved her so much why didn't you move to Germany to be with her. Or why didn't you ask her to move to your country. Sounds like it was just a holiday fling, since no commitment to each other was made. She might think you are a jerk cause u didn't offer her any commitment and you stopped writting (essentially cutting her off). Edited January 13, 2016 by Dolfin80 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Hi.............. No one knows me here, but I just have to vent. I just can't keep this bottled up inside me. I have to tell someone. First of all, I have been married for 35 years and have two beautiful children. In 1978 I lived in San Francisco where I met the most beautiful girl in the world. Her beauty went beyond just her physical appearance. There was a warmth and lovingness to her that just shown on her face. She was a free-spirited German girl, 27 years old, who was touring the U.S. on the cheap, staying in hostels. When I met her, she ended up staying with me for a week. It was the happiest time of my life! She was just everything I had ever dreamed of. She was so beautiful and so loving, and so full of life and fun. We drove down the coast to Monterey and spent a few days there. We strolled along the beach holding hands. We dined in the best seaside restaurants. It was so wonderful. I had fallen so much in love with her. I asked her to stay a couple of times, but she said she had to get back to Berlin. On her last day there we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean, and my heart was breaking. When I finally saw her off at the airport, I'll never forget my last sight of her. She smiled at me so warmly and placed a loving hand on my cheek. That image of her is forever etched into my memory. I can remember exactly what she looked like as though it was yesterday - those amazingly beautiful eyes, her beautiful smile, her beautiful, soft, warm voice. When she left, I went back and sat on the same bench we had last sat on together, feeling that she was somehow close. I felt totally numb. Driving back to San Francisco, I felt as though there was a big empty hole inside me. The seat next to me was empty. When I finally got back to San Francisco and in my apartment that we had shared for that brief period of time, the vision of her was everywhere. I broke down and cried like a baby. After awhile, I decided that I'd get over her, that there were plenty of other girls out there. A couple of years later, I did meet a wonderful girl who I married. But I've never gotten over the love of my life. I've thought about her from time to time over the years. The other day I was thinking about her and I suddenly wondered if she might be on Facebook, so I searched her name, and there she was! If she hadn't been using her maiden name I would have never found her. It was like getting hit by a thunderbolt! All the memories just flooded back and I remembered her as clearly as though I had just seen her earlier in the day. She's as beautiful now as she was back then! She's standing with a young lady who I can only assume is her daughter, as she looks so much like her mother did way back then. Ever since then I've just been an emotional wreck. All my memories of her are now so vivid, and the way I felt about her has just come to the forefront, as though I've kept those feelings bottled up for so long, and now they're just pouring out. I can even smell the ocean breeze from that day so long ago. I've heard happily married people say that they knew from the start that the person they married was the one. It was meant to be. Well, that's how I felt about her, and still do. I am so sad! I did some more searching and found where she lives, and I got her phone number. I've been going nuts trying to decide whether or not to call her. Of course, I'd never tell her of my undying love for her, but just tell her that I'd thought of her off and on again over the years, and that I just wanted to touch bases with her and wish her the best. I'm sure that if she remembers me at all, it would simply be of a fun tryst she once had with someone a long, long time ago. Oh man, this is how affairs start. I'm sad for your wife. Really sad. Can you see a counselor? I hope so. Real life can never compare to unfulfilled fantasies. Contacting this gal will bring trouble to your whole life. You sure you want to do this? I notice you said almost nothing of your wife...how's the marriage been? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts