Unrequited Love

[Montsan]

Betty, I realize that your young age and the fact that you have never experienced anything like D Train and I have makes you infinitely qualified to condemn us and to lecture us on proper adult behavior, and I appreciate your input.

 

 

That being said, I have calmed down somewhat over the last few days and have been able to put things in their proper perspective. I am glad now that my phone calls were unanswered and I won't attempt to call her again. I have written her a letter.

Edited January 16, 2016 by Montsan

[BettyDraper]

Betty, I realize that your young age and the fact that you have never experienced anything like D Train and I have makes you infinitely qualified to condemn us and to lecture us on proper adult behavior, and I appreciate your input.

 

 

That being said, I have calmed down somewhat over the last few days and have been able to put things in their proper perspective. I am glad now that my phone calls were unanswered and I won't attempt to call her again. I have written her a letter.

 

Glad you appreciate my input and I hope that my lectures give you pause. I would be very embarrassed if some inexperienced grasshopper was calling me out for being immature.

 

If you post about an issue on an open online forum, people may have opinions about your behavior that you don't agree with or may not want to read. Maybe it is time to take responsibility for your actions instead of expecting people to enable your self destructive decisions. Sometimes people tell you what you need to hear and not what you want them to say. You should know that by this point in your life.

 

How do you think your wife would react if she read this thread? Do you believe that she would say "Oh that's okay hon...I don't mind you calling other women that are in love with because you're having a midlife crisis and you need closure!" I don't know your wife but I'm willing to bet that she would be less than thrilled. If you were a woman, I would be just as harsh and condemning.

 

I'm happy that your calls went unanswered. I hope that you don't send the letter but I believe that you probably will. What a sad situation...

Edited January 16, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Mr. Lucky]

I have written her a letter.

 

The latest in a series of ideas that are not only bad but disrespectful of your marriage and spouse.

 

And you know they're wrong or you'd sit at the kitchen table and write your letter and make your calls out in the open, no fear of discovery.

 

You keep defending what you're doing while ignoring how you're doing it. If you're afraid of getting caught, understanding why that fear is there is a healthy thing to do...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TaraMaiden2]

Given that you've been so open so far, how about you let us know what you've put in the letter...?

[Dolfin80]

I'd still like to know why u didn't move to Germany to be with her, or why she didn't move to your country.

[Montsan]

Given that you've been so open so far, how about you let us know what you've put in the letter...?

 

My letter to her is private. I will tell you, though, that I didn't spill my guts out to her and that I wanted to learn how she's been doing after all this time.

[Montsan]

I'd still like to know why u didn't move to Germany to be with her, or why she didn't move to your country.

 

 

If she had asked me to, I would have been there in a heartbeat. She remained in Germany to continue with schooling. We wrote a couple of letters to each other, but I'm sure that her feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for her, so I decided it would be best to make a break, try to forget her, and move on.

[Montsan]

All of this has reminded me of something. I wonder. I lived in London in 1973 and I met a girl who was vacationing from Finland. For the week that she was there, we spent virtually every waking moment together, and when she left, she asked me to come to Finland and rejoin her. I said I would, but once she was gone I decided that, though I liked her a lot, our relationship had essentially been just a tryst that had ended. She wrote me a letter asking when I was coming, telling me that she was lonely for me, and I never responded.

 

 

I wonder now if she has carried the same feelings for me that I have for my German girl. God, I hope not! I wouldn't wish this on anyone! When I broke off ties with my German girl, deciding to forget and move on, I didn't know at the time that a love that powerful lasts a lifetime. You can spend your life suppressing those feelings, but there will always be a little ache in your heart.

[The D Train]

My ex gf sent me a facebook request almost two years ago. I was giddy. I had seen her fb profile pop up on my potential list for some time since we have mutual friends but I never acted. I didn't want to appear to be that desperate ex bf stalker and I guess I wanted to leave things in the past.

 

 

We exchanged some harmless messages and she ended up not responding to my last message. I got the hint. Months later I sent her a happy birthday message and we exchanged a couple more harmless messages and again she didn't respond to my last message.

 

 

I noticed on her FB profile she has no pictures of her husband but lists him as being married to.

 

 

I ended up unfriended her because my wife asked about her being friends on fb and we got in a big fight.

 

 

Of course I over analyzed these whole deal. Why did she initially send fb request? Why doesn't she have pics of her with her husband? Why did she stop responding to messages? Both her parents and husbands parents were divorced, does that increase their chances?

[Montsan]

My ex gf sent me a facebook request almost two years ago. I was giddy. I had seen her fb profile pop up on my potential list for some time since we have mutual friends but I never acted. I didn't want to appear to be that desperate ex bf stalker and I guess I wanted to leave things in the past.

 

 

We exchanged some harmless messages and she ended up not responding to my last message. I got the hint. Months later I sent her a happy birthday message and we exchanged a couple more harmless messages and again she didn't respond to my last message.

 

 

I noticed on her FB profile she has no pictures of her husband but lists him as being married to.

 

 

I ended up unfriended her because my wife asked about her being friends on fb and we got in a big fight.

 

 

Of course I over analyzed these whole deal. Why did she initially send fb request? Why doesn't she have pics of her with her husband? Why did she stop responding to messages? Both her parents and husbands parents were divorced, does that increase their chances?

 

 

 

You can ponder all of this forever, but you'll never know until you ask her to meet with you.

[The D Train]

You can ponder all of this forever, but you'll never know until you ask her to meet with you.

 

I don't have her phone # or email. We are not friends on fb anymore. I guess I could send her a message on fb but I worry about the potential blow up from that. I already went thru WWIII with my wife last year from our fb messages.

 

 

I was thinking a safer way would be to "randomly" run into her but then it could be awkward to explain why I am in her neck of the woods. I have gone out of my way to get gas or stop at the grocery by her locale if I was near her area to increase the probability of a random meeting.

 

 

This is embarrassing but many years ago I was curious and drove by her house in a traditional suburban neighborhood. She ended passing me on her street and while I tried to act normal I glanced a peek and she had this look like she recognized me. She ended up moving to another neighborhood on a private road shortly after that. I wonder if they did that b/c they thought I was stalking.

 

 

I am beginning to think that if we were meant to meet again I will just have to leave up to the winds of destiny and not put myself out there.

[Montsan]

Why not refriend her on FB and then send her a private message?

[OldRover]

Why not refriend her on FB and then send her a private message?

 

Good idea, the D Train has to make up his own mind. He seems to have more of a issue with his wife.

 

I could argue to follow the heart, and there's justification for doing that, regardless of all the negative comments here.

 

I was in a very similar situation to both of you, and at times wish that I had followed the heart. Still do. The one lady I was with for a very short time, I did follow her across country when she changed schools, but I didn't stay.... but should have. She was a clear winner. We did communicate a bit afterwards, but our respective careers were in different directions and places, so it ended. I have, over time, seen and communicated with ex's... no issues, but was very interesting and nice to update ourselves. Glad I did. (and yes, the SO was with me).

 

Now, I do believe that one should be honest with their SO, and keep her in the loop. And if one want's to chase another, end it with the SO first. Sometimes we find that the grass isn't greener.

 

Now, keep us posted.

[The D Train]

Why not refriend her on FB and then send her a private message?

 

Surely my wife would find out or ask me at some point, then there will be hell to pay. I don't deal with stress well and the last two blow ups over my ex & fb were beyond stressful. Maybe this whole thing is ridiculous in that I should just continue to live out my life in the comfortable routine with my wife & kids.

 

 

But then I think, why do I still carry these feelings over this ex? Why is she still in my dreams? No other girls I dated & broke up with had 1% of the effect on me this ex gf did. I have never felt the pure bliss I felt when I was dating this ex gf but is that b/c she was my first love & it was during the care free days of college? It is not looks as my wife is just as attractive.

[Montsan]

Maybe this whole thing is ridiculous in that I should just continue to live out my life in the comfortable routine with my wife & kids.

 

 

Heed my words on this one. The day will come, faster than you think, when it will be too late to do anything. And then you will sit there in your old age recriminating yourself for not having acted when you should have. I'm sure you can think of ways, aside from a hopeful, accidental run in, of meeting up with this girl. If I were you, that's what I would do, and I would be honest and ask her exactly how she feels about you. And then you'll know. And whatever happens, you won't spend the rest of your life wondering what might have happened.

 

 

I don't give you this advice lightly, as I am one of the few on this board who knows exactly what you are going through.

 

 

And then there is this from OldRover:

 

 

I could argue to follow the heart, and there's justification for doing that, regardless of all the negative comments here.

[carhill]

Yep, absorb the potential consequences, accept them, lock and load. Move out.

[BettyDraper]

Surely my wife would find out or ask me at some point, then there will be hell to pay. I don't deal with stress well and the last two blow ups over my ex & fb were beyond stressful. Maybe this whole thing is ridiculous in that I should just continue to live out my life in the comfortable routine with my wife & kids.

 

 

But then I think, why do I still carry these feelings over this ex? Why is she still in my dreams? No other girls I dated & broke up with had 1% of the effect on me this ex gf did. I have never felt the pure bliss I felt when I was dating this ex gf but is that b/c she was my first love & it was during the care free days of college? It is not looks as my wife is just as attractive.

 

How stressful will it be if you become Facebook friends with this woman and your wife finds out? I agree that this whole thing is ridiculous and not worth the risk. Do you think it would be worth it to add more passion to your marriage rather than seeking out past lovers? You have made a permanent commitment to your wife. Respecting the sanctity of that vow could go a long way.

 

As a wife and as a woman, it is scary to see how some husbands are willing to add strife and mistrust to their marriages over long lost girlfriends. I can't wrap my head around it.

 

I once had an ex reach out to me on Facebook. I immediately told my husband about this because I didn't want my hubby to get the wrong idea if I happened to leave my Facebook open one day. My husband was glad I was open about this and said that he trusted me. My ex started to send flirtatious messages and that is when I blocked and unfriended him. I don't slide down slippery slopes. If my husband told me that he didn't want me to talk to my ex, I would respect his wishes and never speak to that ex again.

Edited January 16, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Popsicle]

Montsan, you might like the book "Falling in Love" by Francesco Alberoni. It's a book that describes what causes us to feel what we feel when we fall in love and I think it's what you feel like you are missing in your life. You can Google search for a free PDF version of the book and read it. I think you may like it.

[S2B]

While I was in a long term marriage- if I thought for a moment that my then husband needed desperately to contact an old flame, had been obsessing about her and pining away about lost love = that would have been my deciding factor to end the marriage.

 

Knowing full well he was invested emotionally with her instead of me would make me want to step out of the way and say "have at it".

 

It's putting your wife second.

 

 

Sad for your wife - D Train too.

[OldRover]

While I was in a long term marriage- if I thought for a moment that my then husband needed desperately to contact an old flame, had been obsessing about her and pining away about lost love = that would have been my deciding factor to end the marriage.

 

Knowing full well he was invested emotionally with her instead of me would make me want to step out of the way and say "have at it".

 

It's putting your wife second.

 

 

Sad for your wife - D Train too.

 

Well the OP is FAR from what you say. D Train could be different but could elaborate or just start his own thread, but isn't as bad as you point out.

[ShatteredLady]

I met my first love when I was 14/15. I was VERY old for my age (no problems passing for 21) unconventional, adoring parents, very happy life. He was quite a lot older than me...We mixed in the same pub/band circles...nearly lost his mind when he found out how old I was! Hahaha!

 

We went to the same places, connected groups of friends, music, bands, art & theater. I made clothes & jewelry & did people's piercings for them! COMPLETELY different life for me!!

 

He was the bad boy, acoustic guitar, bleeding heart poet. Once we were together he told me that he had loved me from a distance. Our story was...He described me to his friends & they said "Yes! We know her. Looks like Kate Bush (Kids used to tease me about that but to him it was a HUGE compliment!). Never dates anyone. You don't stand a chance!"......So he didn't talk to me for ages BUT the challenge fed his obsession!

 

He was always respectful, patient (know what I mean!), kind, loving, never hurt me in any way. INCREDIBLY good looking! Wrote poems & songs about me (One was in the music charts in England!). Very similar life & interests (At the time).

 

He stopped being a bad boy the first time we spoke. I was going through things in my life & he was my rock, my love until I was nearly 21 so basically all my formative years. We lived together for the last few years.

 

I split with him. He didn't do anything 'wrong'. It was just about me & my very unconventional 'arty' years coming to an end.

 

Romantic & unforgettable huh?!?

 

 

 

He barely crossed my mind for about 20 years!!! I don't mean romantically, I mean at all! After I met my now H I stopped thinking 'that' way about him at all but I spent so very much of my life with him he would cross my mind, memories, thoughts. The last 10 NEVER that I can recall!

 

I'd of had to try REALLY hard to picture his face.

 

 

My H cheated & broke my heart. I went into complete shock, PTSD, all 'that' stuff us blind-sided BS's know so well. I spent the first few weeks not sleeping or eating & throwing-up a lot. Then I started researching infidelity & 'stuff' on the Internet. I joined a couple of forums. I was loosing my mind & awake pretty much 24/7!

 

I SEARCHED THE INTERNET FOR MY FIRST LOVE!!!

 

I haven't confessed that before! I can see his face, his laugh, his body. I could even smell him for a while & remember EXACTLY what it felt like to be held by him.

 

All I know is the closer I feel to my H the further he disappears into the fog of my past.

 

I also know that I want to stay married. I HAVEN'T contacted him in any way. Part of me knows that my motives would not be right. I don't mean that I would want anything romantic from it. I mean I would be using him to heal something in ME. He's now a complete stranger who never did me any harm. Why would I drag him into my life?

 

If he was really someone/something unfinished & essential in my life why didn't I think to contact him to say I was getting married, or pregnant, or holding my babies, living my life? If he was the love of my life he would of at least crossed my mind when I was living the biggest milestones of my life! He NEVER did.

 

Because I was so broken & lost in my REAL life I was consumed with a time in my life when I was VERY different. When "Two paths diverged in the woods......".

 

I met & eventually married my H & when I was very happy, that old 'me' was just a mostly forgotten step on my journey to become happy married, Mum, me!

Edited January 17, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Dolfin80]

If she had asked me to, I would have been there in a heartbeat. She remained in Germany to continue with schooling. We wrote a couple of letters to each other, but I'm sure that her feelings for me weren't as strong as my feelings for her, so I decided it would be best to make a break, try to forget her, and move on.

 

I see, I've had a similar thing happen to me. Fell in love with someone but it wasn't reciprocated, so you're forced to cut lies to stop the heart ache.

[S2B]

Well the OP is FAR from what you say. D Train could be different but could elaborate or just start his own thread, but isn't as bad as you point out.

 

How do you figure he's far from what I described? He admitted to obsessing about her. He's determined at all cost to contact her.

 

Doesn't seem far from what I described...

[Montsan]

ShatteredLady..............

 

 

Have you reconciled with your husband, then?

[Montsan]

I just thought of something about my lost love, which isn't unusual, as I've been thinking of her almost continuously for a week now. Again, it is therapeutic for me to write my thoughts down.

 

 

Funny thing. We had incredible sex. We did it from every position imaginable and then some, and then we regressed to performing unspeakable acts upon each other that would have made porn stars blush. But I never think about that. Every time I think of her I see her face and hear her soft voice and the way she had of making me feel loved. Oh, god! Will I ever stop thinking about her?! I miss her so much!

Edited January 17, 2016 by Montsan