The D Train Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 D Train - it was several years before everything transpired from that day seeing him at the grocery store. Anything is possible, if she messaged you it is likely she in unhappy. I hope something good comes of it for you! I had a typo - It was yearS ago - about 6 years after we broke up and about 15 years from today. I hadn't seen her since. Only contact was the FB request and some messages. I guess I just want a resolution to these feelings I have been hanging onto. Just conflicted what is right or what is meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 truth. but his feelings aren't recent - they're about 30+ years old. during all of that time -- he never said a word about it to his wife... it only gets harder to be honest with years. i disagree -- communication is super important and it's a really good thing to discuss your past relationships, views on love and marriage, adultery, connection, passion... analzying and discussing previous relationships allows both you and your partner to know each other better and to learn from each other - that's how you create and mantain a real connection. i'm not sure he knows what he wants. he writes about wanting to stay in his marriage because, realistically, that's his only option. but it's very clear that he desires to be with the other woman -- notice how much he romanticizes the stories that have - what he perceives as - happy ending. that's the kind of story and ending he wishes for himself but his reality is different. it's like he's satisfied with an okay reality but constantly wants and hopes for the fantasy he's been wanting for over 30 years. Mini, Well, we can disagree about talking about past ex's. But will agree, communication is key and very important. I'e learned, over the years, that talking about my ex brings up no real benefit, and can easily cause resentment. It hasn't been bad for me because I usually shut my mouth. It's fine to mention things you did with an ex, trips, experiences, etc... but I'd not venture into intimacy, and again, only if it's brought up by my SO. Occasional there's a point that needs to be made that may have influenced our thoughts on things but one has to be very careful about that. As for general views on love, marriage, etc, etc, etc... yes. talk all you want, and you should. Agreed, not sure what the OP wants, but betting it's more of a curiosity thing... unless there's something serious wrong with his marriage, which hasn't been mentioned. I've had two GFs that I often wonder what life would have been like with them. One, I have kept in touch with and no problems and absolutely no desire to reconnect. The other is long gone. They were both exceptional people, both 10 on 10, in virtually everything.. just great people. I'd bet there's plenty of us that think of ex's..... often. Food for thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Food for thought. Rover, mini's got only one thought - her own. I started ignoring her I don't know how many posts back. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Rover, mini's got only one thought - her own. I started ignoring her I don't know how many posts back. Montsan, I wanted to send you a PM, but wasn't available. While I don't like to get personal, we can agree to disagree with other posters. In this situation, I'll honor your post and do everything I can for YOUR success. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Can you let us know how it turns out? What do you think would happened if she sent a return letter & your wife opens the mail that day? This is a good question. Always great to think about the consequences of our actions. I hope that when the German woman receives the letter, she responds favorably and the letter does not cause any problems for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 My wife never opens mail addressed to me, and visa-versa. Besides, I've asked her to email me. My one big fear now is that I'll never hear back from her and then I'll never know whether or not she received my letter or chose not to respond. And if she does respond, it could be awhile. It's very possible that the reason there was no answer when I called is because they are away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 Montsan, I wanted to send you a PM, but wasn't available. While I don't like to get personal, we can agree to disagree with other posters. In this situation, I'll honor your post and do everything I can for YOUR success. Thank you, Rover. I'm new at this and I have no idea as to why my PM isn't available. I'll try PMing you. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 My wife never opens mail addressed to me, and visa-versa. Besides, I've asked her to email me. My one big fear now is that I'll never hear back from her and then I'll never know whether or not she received my letter or chose not to respond. And if she does respond, it could be awhile. It's very possible that the reason there was no answer when I called is because they are away. I'm glad that your wife doesn't open your mail because then there will be far less chance of her discovering something that could hurt her. You may have asked the German lady to email you but she may choose to write back via snail mail. Maybe you can start thinking of how you would handle it your big fear was realized. Would you be heartbroken all over again like you were the last day you saw the German woman? Before I make an important interaction, I always ask myself what I am hoping to achieve from it. I also ask myself if I can handle not receiving the reaction I would like. If I don't feel that I can handle an unfavorable interaction, I simply do not take the risk of getting hurt. This works very well. Have you thought about how happy you are in your marriage? It becomes harder to keep the spark as time goes on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 I dunno. I clicked on your name, Rover, but couldn't see any way to PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 I'm glad that your wife doesn't open your mail because then there will be far less chance of her discovering something that could hurt her. You may have asked the German lady to email you but she may choose to write back via snail mail. Maybe you can start thinking of how you would handle it your big fear was realized. Would you be heartbroken all over again like you were the last day you saw the German woman? Before I make an important interaction, I always ask myself what I am hoping to achieve from it. I also ask myself if I can handle not receiving the reaction I would like. If I don't feel that I can handle an unfavorable interaction, I simply do not take the risk of getting hurt. This works very well. Have you thought about how happy you are in your marriage? It becomes harder to keep the spark as time goes on. Life's full of contradictions. I am happy in my marriage and I do love my wife very much. In fact I suspect she senses that something's been troubling me. Her response has been to be more lovey than ever. If I never hear back from my German girl then that's it. There's not much I can do about it except to try to push her back into that place she was before I found her on FB. And I'm not too concerned about her husband possibly reading that letter. It is totally innocuous. It's not like, Hey! Remember me? We once spent a week f***ing our brains out! Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Life's full of contradictions. I am happy in my marriage and I do love my wife very much. In fact I suspect she senses that something's been troubling me. Her response has been to be more lovey than ever. If I never hear back from my German girl then that's it. There's not much I can do about it except to try to push her back into that place she was before I found her on FB. And I'm not too concerned about her husband possibly reading that letter. It is totally innocuous. It's not like, Hey! Remember me? We once spent a week f***ing our brains out! Glad you are happy in your . Do you love your wife more than the German woman? I'm only asking because of some of the words in your other posts. While you're letter may be innocuous, your ex might be honest with her husband about who you are and that could cause trouble in her life. For some reason, you are not thinking of the possible negative consequences for sending that letter. I certainly hope nothing bad happens. I'm happy to read that you if you do not get a response from the German woman, you will try to push her in the back of your mind. It can't be wonderful to pine for someone out of reach. Thanks for coming back and answering questions. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Thank you, Rover. I'm new at this and I have no idea as to why my PM isn't available. I'll try PMing you. You may have to have so many posts... or be here for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 19, 2016 Author Share Posted January 19, 2016 ok. I'll probably stick around awhile. Words can't express how therapeutic this has been for me. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 Life's full of contradictions. I am happy in my marriage and I do love my wife very much. In fact I suspect she senses that something's been troubling me. Her response has been to be more lovey than ever. If I never hear back from my German girl then that's it. There's not much I can do about it except to try to push her back into that place she was before I found her on FB. And I'm not too concerned about her husband possibly reading that letter. It is totally innocuous. It's not like, Hey! Remember me? We once spent a week f***ing our brains out! Montsan, I was glad to here your comment about loving you wife very much. Don't believe that you can't have a romantic spark with your wife that is as good as it was with your German girl. It's a mindset, and you have to put your mind there, and it will take some effort.... but that's MUCH easier than reconnection to someone of 30yrs ago. I've done it, and you can too. But, I totally understand the excitement of that time in your life and the emotional attachment, let alone the fantastic sex. Im sure my experience wasn't as passionate as yours, as I had a lot more time to have fun and enjoy the benefits of passion without the typical home responsibilities and problems. Mine was a girl at graduate school for one fantastic summer semester and knew there would be and end..... so it did have an ending and we both accepted it. But, I still remember and wonder if I should have gone with her.... I'm betting it would have been fantastic. Take your time and bring this part of your life to closure..... make your contact and life goes on. You should know your wife well enough to know that if she intercepted your mail, she would have no issue with it. That's an issue that's easily solvable before it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 What if she writes back & says she's now divorced & has been thinking a lot about YOU recently? What if she wants to meet you to chat about 'the old days'? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) Mini, Well, we can disagree about talking about past ex's. of course. i personally want to discuss my potential partner's previous relationships - emotions, intimacy, what did that relationship meant to my potential partner... it saved me a lot of heartache in the past because using conversations like that and asking direct questions got a lot of men like the OP out of my way. i'd hate for my husband of over 30+ years to tell me that he was in love ONCE in his life - and that special flower wasn't me. just asking questions and watching the person's reaction when they talk about the ex tells you all you need to know about where they are emotionally and help avoid situations like these. that's why i'm ALL FOR communication about emotions and feelings and past intimacy - straight up. I'd bet there's plenty of us that think of ex's..... often. i think that most people don't care too much about their ex partners - most people move on. how many folks do you know that consider one of their ex partners the love of their lives? how many folks do you know that say they only were in love with ONE person in their entire life and it was the ex partner? sure, we all remember our ex partners and our times with them. sure, we may keep in touch and get together every once in a while... but talking about the ex partner as the love of your life and someone who you think is meant to be with you... then contacting that partner -- while keeping your spouse in the dark about everything... there is really not a chance that the OP is simply curious. or that his behavior is something that's "normal" or even desirable for a married man, sorry. Edited January 20, 2016 by minimariah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 of course. i can & love to discuss my potential partner's previous relationships - emotions, intimacy, what did that relationship meant to my potential partner... it saved me a lot of heartache in the past because using conversations like that and asking direct questions got a lot of men like the OP out of my way. i'd hate for my husband of over 30+ years to tell me that he was in love ONCE in his life - and that special flower wasn't me. just asking questions and watching the person's reaction when they talk about the ex tells you all you need to know about where they are emotionally and help avoid situations like these. that's why i'm ALL FOR communication about emotions and feelings and past intimacy - straight up. i think that most people don't care too much about their ex partners - most people move on. how many folks do you know that consider one of their ex partners the love of their lives? how many folks do you know that say they only were in love with ONE person in their entire life and it was the ex partner? sure, we all remember our ex partners and our times with them. sure, we may keep in touch and get together every once in a while... but talking about the ex partner as the love of your life and someone who you think is meant to be with you... then contacting that partner -- while keeping your spouse in the dark about everything... there is really not a chance that the OP is simply curious. or that his behavior is something that's "normal" or even desirable for a married man, sorry. I love this post. There is a huge difference between simply remembering past loves and idealizing them when you're already married to someone else. I think that many people in this thread are confusing the two mindsets. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 What if she writes back & says she's now divorced & has been thinking a lot about YOU recently? What if she wants to meet you to chat about 'the old days'? I am interested in the answer to this. My situation I am still not sure what I would do. I would likely meet her at least once to put my curiosity at end. I think I would finally realize that we both changed over the last 22 years and my infatuation was misguided. On the other hand...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 What if she writes back & says she's now divorced & has been thinking a lot about YOU recently? What if she wants to meet you to chat about 'the old days'? I can assure you that that is not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 My heart breaks for your poor wife I know the agony of loving a husband who followed his wonderlust. I would have to truly HATE someone to inflict the kind of torture I've endured. Try to find some empathy.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. I love my wife. I have stated that several times on this thread. I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially at this late stage in our lives. I just want to hear from my German girl one last time and get the closure I need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 BTW, ShatteredLady, I had asked you earlier in this thread if you had reconciled with your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 We're in the process. It's very hard. It's not about leaving your wife. It's about the pain you could inflict on her & the way you think of her while you obsess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I just want to hear from my German girl one last time and get the closure I need. It would seem you're trying to discover if she's still as hung up on you as you are on her (fat chance!), not a real positive message for your marriage. If your thoughts of her are tied to the past, how would this present day "closure" cause you to stop thinking of her? You know she's alive. You know she's married. You know what she looks like today. What piece of information are you missing? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. I love my wife. I have stated that several times on this thread. I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially at this late stage in our lives. I just want to hear from my German girl one last time and get the closure I need. What kind of closure are you looking for from her? Link to post Share on other sites
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