Unrequited Love

[minimariah]

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

WHY...? why is she the one? what are her personality traits that you love...? what are her flaws that others might find annoying - but you think are adorable?

 

what is your life for that woman based on?

how do you know she is the same woman she was 30+ years ago?

 

i'm honestly not even surprised that you decided to bail the moment you got asked some reasonable & direct questions.

[OldRover]

he didn't keep his wife informed for over 30 years -- what makes you think he'll start now?

 

Well, he just had the contact show up just recently. As a rule, it's probably not a good idea to discuss past relationships, if you occasionally think of them. If the SO brings it up fine, if not better left unsaid.

 

Now, at this time, I do agree the OP should let his wife know... if he's planning to stay with the marriage, which is statements suggests he is.

[Michart]

I think that everyone, sometime in their life, experiences something similar in nature. Their first love. Usually what happens, is it's the most wonderful, intense experience of their life and then after the first few months that cloud of blinded bliss gives way to reality. It's like you wake up in the morning and finally smell the other person's breathe. The difference in your situation is that it started like a wildfire (probably because of the limited amount of time you had together) You made the most of it, fit all of that affection into a weeks time. And then ended abruptly right in the middle of that intense blissfully blind time that you never really got to know any of the other stuff. It was all good...amazing times. And that is what you hold onto. I hope you can realize that what you are holding onto isn't real. You can never really get to know someone fully until you've had to work out a disagreement, or lived with them. What you have now is real. Marriage is real and takes years of hard work and building trust to get you where you are today. I do understand the act of getting closure, but I think it's important that you understand it's time to let go. Good luck and I hope you find peace.

[whichwayisup]

Well, all I can say is that I am in a highly charged emotional state right now, and I've been writing down my thoughts as they come to me. If there are inconsistencies, I certainly don't have to worry about them as there are people here who are only too happy to point out them out to me.

 

 

My main purpose here was to simply get my thoughts written down and to share my story. It makes me feel a bit better to have done so.

 

 

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

 

And, yes, I do love my wife. She has been the ultimate wife and mother, and our children have grown up in a secure, loving home. How can I say that when I've proclaimed my love for my German girl? It's complicated.

 

 

I think I've pretty much gotten everything off my chest, and I thank everyone for listening and offering your views.

 

 

No, OldRover is not me.

 

 

bye

 

I do hope you come back. I can understand maybe you're overwhelmed by some responses on here and aren't ready yet to face what's ahead so it's easier to ditch this place and not 'hear and take in' the good advice everybody is giving you.

 

You're gonna do what you're gonna do, I just hope you take into account how much you have to lose IF you go ahead a chase a past fantasy.

[VeveCakes]

I find this fascinating. While I think one week with someone on holiday is not realistic, I also see where you are coming from.

 

My first bf was my first love and vice versa. We broke up in high school because I was very young and didn't want a bf. Years later I was done with the dating and party game and was wishing I could have him as my bf again because I felt ready for that type of thing. That same week I ran into him at a bar and we started dating. Shortly after I got a job overseas and had to move. It was heartbreaking because we were really quickly in love again.

 

8 years passed, I got married, he had a long term gf. My Facebook was private and he keeps a low profile so we didn't connect during this time. Then one day in Walmart in the town I grew up in he was there, with his gf getting groceries. I was with my husband. We said hi and that was it, but I couldn't believe he was back in town and so was I.

 

He eventually found me on Facebook and messaged me about some Insurance stuff (my profession). When I split from my husband he heard and asked me to hang out. He was single and so was I but I wasn't ready to date. For 3 months he messaged me now and then asking me out. Eventually I was brave enough to get back out there and see him - and we have spent every day together since. I love him more than I ever loved my husband, and I was fully committed to my marriage that ended.

 

He told me over the years he always thought about me, asked people if they knew where I was or how to reach me, even when he had a girlfriend. He said he was devastated when he heard I got married. This is a cute story I think, but the point I'm trying to make is that I am glad he never gave up. I'm glad he always thought about our first love and that connection. We may have only been 16 but the connection has only intensified. He is everything I ever wanted, and it would have been the last person I would have thought I would end up with, but things have a way of happening.

 

So maybe don't give up, but don't stop living either.

[Montsan]

I find this fascinating. While I think one week with someone on holiday is not realistic, I also see where you are coming from.

 

My first bf was my first love and vice versa. We broke up in high school because I was very young and didn't want a bf. Years later I was done with the dating and party game and was wishing I could have him as my bf again because I felt ready for that type of thing. That same week I ran into him at a bar and we started dating. Shortly after I got a job overseas and had to move. It was heartbreaking because we were really quickly in love again.

 

8 years passed, I got married, he had a long term gf. My Facebook was private and he keeps a low profile so we didn't connect during this time. Then one day in Walmart in the town I grew up in he was there, with his gf getting groceries. I was with my husband. We said hi and that was it, but I couldn't believe he was back in town and so was I.

 

He eventually found me on Facebook and messaged me about some Insurance stuff (my profession). When I split from my husband he heard and asked me to hang out. He was single and so was I but I wasn't ready to date. For 3 months he messaged me now and then asking me out. Eventually I was brave enough to get back out there and see him - and we have spent every day together since. I love him more than I ever loved my husband, and I was fully committed to my marriage that ended.

 

He told me over the years he always thought about me, asked people if they knew where I was or how to reach me, even when he had a girlfriend. He said he was devastated when he heard I got married. This is a cute story I think, but the point I'm trying to make is that I am glad he never gave up. I'm glad he always thought about our first love and that connection. We may have only been 16 but the connection has only intensified. He is everything I ever wanted, and it would have been the last person I would have thought I would end up with, but things have a way of happening.

 

So maybe don't give up, but don't stop living either.

 

 

 

I am so happy to hear that things worked out well for you. It also sounds as though you're both still young enough to enjoy a long and happy life together. You are very lucky.

[Montsan]

I understand your need for closure. I disagree with telling your wife unless you want to hurt her. As near as I can tell you haven't "done" anything. However, YOUR need for closure doesn't give you the right to upset HER life. If you've not done any more than send a harmless "it's been a while" email then don't dump your guilt on your wife to make you feel better. I agree to leave well enough alone, be greatfull* that she is well and has lived what appears to be a nice life. Love isn't about impressing your wishes and desires on another-- it's allowing them to be exactly who they are without any need that they satisfy you. If you love her, leave her alone. If you're meant to see her again, you will.

Good luck.

Seanlai

The Game Changer

www.seanlai.biz

 

Right. I'm not going to volunteer all of this to my wife and needlessly hurt her. I did, in fact, mail off a letter today. I had wordsmithed it about a dozen times. There isn't even a hint in it as to my feelings for her, only that I'd thought about her from time to time over the years and that I'd really like to know what she's been doing all these years.

[minimariah]

Well, he just had the contact show up just recently.

 

truth. but his feelings aren't recent - they're about 30+ years old. during all of that time -- he never said a word about it to his wife... it only gets harder to be honest with years.

 

As a rule, it's probably not a good idea to discuss past relationships, if you occasionally think of them. If the SO brings it up fine, if not better left unsaid.

 

i disagree -- communication is super important and it's a really good thing to discuss your past relationships, views on love and marriage, adultery, connection, passion... analzying and discussing previous relationships allows both you and your partner to know each other better and to learn from each other - that's how you create and mantain a real connection.

 

Now, at this time, I do agree the OP should let his wife know... if he's planning to stay with the marriage, which is statements suggests he is.

 

i'm not sure he knows what he wants. he writes about wanting to stay in his marriage because, realistically, that's his only option. but it's very clear that he desires to be with the other woman -- notice how much he romanticizes the stories that have - what he perceives as - happy ending. that's the kind of story and ending he wishes for himself but his reality is different.

 

it's like he's satisfied with an okay reality but constantly wants and hopes for the fantasy he's been wanting for over 30 years.

[The D Train]

Vevecakes:

 

 

Your story is very similar to mine. I even ran into my first love in the grocery year ago each with our husband/wife.

 

 

Primary difference is our break up was rough - she was in high school & I was in college when we first dated and by her 2nd year of college I could tell she wanted to spread her wings (and legs) and we began to drift apart. I ended up cheating and she ended it. Rough few months after that but we would have really good talks for a couple years & then she met her H. She basically told me to take a hike. Over the years I would ask about her to mutual friends & told her sister that I still wanted to be with her even though I had a gf at the time.

 

 

20 years later she reached out to me on FB, exchanged some nice messages (nothing inappropriate) & my wife found out & I removed her on FB.

 

 

I just have a feeling things are not going well with her H and who knows what each of our situations will be down the road.

[The D Train]

I did, in fact, mail off a letter today. I had wordsmithed it about a dozen times. There isn't even a hint in it as to my feelings for her, only that I'd thought about her from time to time over the years and that I'd really like to know what she's been doing all these years.

 

Can you let us know how it turns out? What do you think would happened if she sent a return letter & your wife opens the mail that day?

[VeveCakes]

D Train - it was several years before everything transpired from that day seeing him at the grocery store. Anything is possible, if she messaged you it is likely she in unhappy. I hope something good comes of it for you!

[The D Train]

D Train - it was several years before everything transpired from that day seeing him at the grocery store. Anything is possible, if she messaged you it is likely she in unhappy. I hope something good comes of it for you!

 

I had a typo - It was yearS ago - about 6 years after we broke up and about 15 years from today. I hadn't seen her since. Only contact was the FB request and some messages.

 

 

I guess I just want a resolution to these feelings I have been hanging onto. Just conflicted what is right or what is meant to be.

[OldRover]

truth. but his feelings aren't recent - they're about 30+ years old. during all of that time -- he never said a word about it to his wife... it only gets harder to be honest with years.

 

i disagree -- communication is super important and it's a really good thing to discuss your past relationships, views on love and marriage, adultery, connection, passion... analzying and discussing previous relationships allows both you and your partner to know each other better and to learn from each other - that's how you create and mantain a real connection.

 

i'm not sure he knows what he wants. he writes about wanting to stay in his marriage because, realistically, that's his only option. but it's very clear that he desires to be with the other woman -- notice how much he romanticizes the stories that have - what he perceives as - happy ending. that's the kind of story and ending he wishes for himself but his reality is different.

 

it's like he's satisfied with an okay reality but constantly wants and hopes for the fantasy he's been wanting for over 30 years.

 

Mini,

Well, we can disagree about talking about past ex's. But will agree, communication is key and very important. I'e learned, over the years, that talking about my ex brings up no real benefit, and can easily cause resentment. It hasn't been bad for me because I usually shut my mouth. It's fine to mention things you did with an ex, trips, experiences, etc... but I'd not venture into intimacy, and again, only if it's brought up by my SO. Occasional there's a point that needs to be made that may have influenced our thoughts on things but one has to be very careful about that. As for general views on love, marriage, etc, etc, etc... yes. talk all you want, and you should.

 

Agreed, not sure what the OP wants, but betting it's more of a curiosity thing... unless there's something serious wrong with his marriage, which hasn't been mentioned.

 

I've had two GFs that I often wonder what life would have been like with them. One, I have kept in touch with and no problems and absolutely no desire to reconnect. The other is long gone. They were both exceptional people, both 10 on 10, in virtually everything.. just great people. I'd bet there's plenty of us that think of ex's..... often.

 

Food for thought.

[Montsan]

 

Food for thought.

 

Rover, mini's got only one thought - her own. I started ignoring her I don't know how many posts back.

[OldRover]

Rover, mini's got only one thought - her own. I started ignoring her I don't know how many posts back.

 

Montsan,

 

I wanted to send you a PM, but wasn't available.

 

While I don't like to get personal, we can agree to disagree with other posters. In this situation, I'll honor your post and do everything I can for YOUR success.

[BettyDraper]

Can you let us know how it turns out? What do you think would happened if she sent a return letter & your wife opens the mail that day?

 

This is a good question.

Always great to think about the consequences of our actions.

I hope that when the German woman receives the letter, she responds favorably and the letter does not cause any problems for her.

[Montsan]

My wife never opens mail addressed to me, and visa-versa.

 

 

Besides, I've asked her to email me. My one big fear now is that I'll never hear back from her and then I'll never know whether or not she received my letter or chose not to respond. And if she does respond, it could be awhile. It's very possible that the reason there was no answer when I called is because they are away.

[Montsan]

Montsan,

 

I wanted to send you a PM, but wasn't available.

 

While I don't like to get personal, we can agree to disagree with other posters. In this situation, I'll honor your post and do everything I can for YOUR success.

 

Thank you, Rover. I'm new at this and I have no idea as to why my PM isn't available. I'll try PMing you.

[BettyDraper]

My wife never opens mail addressed to me, and visa-versa.

 

 

Besides, I've asked her to email me. My one big fear now is that I'll never hear back from her and then I'll never know whether or not she received my letter or chose not to respond. And if she does respond, it could be awhile. It's very possible that the reason there was no answer when I called is because they are away.

 

I'm glad that your wife doesn't open your mail because then there will be far less chance of her discovering something that could hurt her. You may have asked the German lady to email you but she may choose to write back via snail mail.

 

Maybe you can start thinking of how you would handle it your big fear was realized. Would you be heartbroken all over again like you were the last day you saw the German woman?

 

Before I make an important interaction, I always ask myself what I am hoping to achieve from it. I also ask myself if I can handle not receiving the reaction I would like. If I don't feel that I can handle an unfavorable interaction, I simply do not take the risk of getting hurt. This works very well.

 

Have you thought about how happy you are in your marriage? It becomes harder to keep the spark as time goes on.

[Montsan]

I dunno. I clicked on your name, Rover, but couldn't see any way to PM.

[Montsan]

I'm glad that your wife doesn't open your mail because then there will be far less chance of her discovering something that could hurt her. You may have asked the German lady to email you but she may choose to write back via snail mail.

 

Maybe you can start thinking of how you would handle it your big fear was realized. Would you be heartbroken all over again like you were the last day you saw the German woman?

 

Before I make an important interaction, I always ask myself what I am hoping to achieve from it. I also ask myself if I can handle not receiving the reaction I would like. If I don't feel that I can handle an unfavorable interaction, I simply do not take the risk of getting hurt. This works very well.

 

Have you thought about how happy you are in your marriage? It becomes harder to keep the spark as time goes on.

 

Life's full of contradictions. I am happy in my marriage and I do love my wife very much. In fact I suspect she senses that something's been troubling me. Her response has been to be more lovey than ever. If I never hear back from my German girl then that's it. There's not much I can do about it except to try to push her back into that place she was before I found her on FB.

 

 

And I'm not too concerned about her husband possibly reading that letter. It is totally innocuous. It's not like, Hey! Remember me? We once spent a week f***ing our brains out!

[BettyDraper]

Life's full of contradictions. I am happy in my marriage and I do love my wife very much. In fact I suspect she senses that something's been troubling me. Her response has been to be more lovey than ever. If I never hear back from my German girl then that's it. There's not much I can do about it except to try to push her back into that place she was before I found her on FB.

 

 

And I'm not too concerned about her husband possibly reading that letter. It is totally innocuous. It's not like, Hey! Remember me? We once spent a week f***ing our brains out!

 

Glad you are happy in your . Do you love your wife more than the German woman? I'm only asking because of some of the words in your other posts.

 

While you're letter may be innocuous, your ex might be honest with her husband about who you are and that could cause trouble in her life. For some reason, you are not thinking of the possible negative consequences for sending that letter. I certainly hope nothing bad happens.

 

I'm happy to read that you if you do not get a response from the German woman, you will try to push her in the back of your mind. It can't be wonderful to pine for someone out of reach.

 

Thanks for coming back and answering questions.

[OldRover]

Thank you, Rover. I'm new at this and I have no idea as to why my PM isn't available. I'll try PMing you.

 

You may have to have so many posts... or be here for awhile.

[Montsan]

ok. I'll probably stick around awhile. Words can't express how therapeutic this has been for me.

[OldRover]

Life's full of contradictions. I am happy in my marriage and I do love my wife very much. In fact I suspect she senses that something's been troubling me. Her response has been to be more lovey than ever. If I never hear back from my German girl then that's it. There's not much I can do about it except to try to push her back into that place she was before I found her on FB.

 

 

And I'm not too concerned about her husband possibly reading that letter. It is totally innocuous. It's not like, Hey! Remember me? We once spent a week f***ing our brains out!

 

Montsan,

 

I was glad to here your comment about loving you wife very much. Don't believe that you can't have a romantic spark with your wife that is as good as it was with your German girl. It's a mindset, and you have to put your mind there, and it will take some effort.... but that's MUCH easier than reconnection to someone of 30yrs ago. I've done it, and you can too.

 

But, I totally understand the excitement of that time in your life and the emotional attachment, let alone the fantastic sex. Im sure my experience wasn't as passionate as yours, as I had a lot more time to have fun and enjoy the benefits of passion without the typical home responsibilities and problems. Mine was a girl at graduate school for one fantastic summer semester and knew there would be and end..... so it did have an ending and we both accepted it. But, I still remember and wonder if I should have gone with her.... I'm betting it would have been fantastic.

 

Take your time and bring this part of your life to closure..... make your contact and life goes on.

 

You should know your wife well enough to know that if she intercepted your mail, she would have no issue with it. That's an issue that's easily solvable before it happens.