Unrequited Love

[RySant]

I have to agree with everyone here, mate. This is not us ganging up on you but you really have to look deeper in your motivation to have this "closure."

 

For me, the fact that you wanted "closure" from your German Girl is already a red flag. Also, if you also believe that this will make your wife upset (if she knew about it) means that for some degree, it is wrong, since it will cause your wife a good amount of pain.

 

So okay, we get it. You need closure.

 

But ask yourself why you really need this closure, why do you need to talk to her for the last time? The only reasons that I can think of (and please refute if you don't agree) are the following:

 

- You have unresolved issues that you should have ironed out BEFORE you married your wife.

 

- Emotional baggage (i.e. your 'love' for this german girl)

 

- You still have feelings for her or the idea of her 3 decades ago (nevermind, the infidelity part) and the fact that you have this regardless if one-sided is a major red flag again.

 

So, again, by acting upon this feeling, (i.e. communicate with her in any way) don't you think it is already an act of pursuing what you are feeling already?

[The D Train]

I know he has been crucified on here but Montsan needs closure. Something tangible to help him. This girl left an imprint on him that nobody else has. He realizes there is a very remote chance of them riding off into the sunset.

 

 

Montsan: So what would you do if you did connect and fell hard for each other? Divorce, marry your dream girl? Say you did would it cause you mental issues that you missed out all these years?

[Montsan]

I know he has been crucified on here but Montsan needs closure. Something tangible to help him. This girl left an imprint on him that nobody else has. He realizes there is a very remote chance of them riding off into the sunset.

 

 

Montsan: So what would you do if you did connect and fell hard for each other? Divorce, marry your dream girl? Say you did would it cause you mental issues that you missed out all these years?

 

D Train, I am 67 years old. There is no way I'm going to leave my wife of 35 years and go riding off into the sunset with anyone. I know in my heart that I was just a tryst with her, and that if or when she reads my letter, it might bring back a vague memory of me, and she might or might not respond.

[lucy_in_disguise]

D Train, I am 67 years old. There is no way I'm going to leave my wife of 35 years and go riding off into the sunset with anyone. I know in my heart that I was just a tryst with her, and that if or when she reads my letter, it might bring back a vague memory of me, and she might or might not respond.

 

If you are not hoping to ride off into the sunset, what type of response do you think would bring you "closure"?

[Montsan]

I don't know. It's just something that I have to do.

[carhill]

Perhaps, if your letter is successful, you'll gain closure by being recognized; remembered, acknowledged. IDK, that could work.

 

TBH, my version started out as a bit of that but ended up very differently. I made it hard. Sent a card in a typed envelope mailed from a different city than where I lived. Wrote something inside which only she would know the meaning of, if she had remembered. Didn't sign the card. Put my website name in real small print down by where they put the price on the back of the card. So she had to read the card, think hard about what was in it, then scour it for clues, then look up the web site if she found that and then find my phone number on the web site, then be interested enough to call. Five days after I sent the card, the shop phone rang and a voice I hadn't heard in a couple decades said hello. Heh, closure? Hope you find what you're looking for. Personally, I'd leave things alone but the letter is sent so whatever happens, happens.

[Montsan]

Perhaps, if your letter is successful, you'll gain closure by being recognized; remembered, acknowledged. IDK, that could work.

 

You've summed it up nicely.

[thecharade]

I did this, felt this, acted this same way. I began to obsess over my first love and everyone warned me, "Do not go there!" But I could not stop obsessing--it lasted for years! Fast forward through contacting him, having an affair, hating myself and my life, ending the affair, and finally getting to the heart of the matter: I was very unhappy. My ex had nothing to do with it.

 

Montsan, you are either going through something inside you like a mid-life crisis or you have hit a rough spot in your marriage. (The way you speak of your wife indicates a huge sense of responsibility to her but very little affection FOR her. What's going on there? No intimacy? Are you just roommates?) When you uncover what is going on inside you and why you are feeling so badly, you will no longer need this escapist obsession.

 

My obsession and affair was the worst thing I have ever gone through, and I don't want you to experience the same. Good luck.

[RySant]

Well, I guess, if you really need this for closure then go ahead......

 

But I just feel sad for your wife. I am not sure why. But I do.

[Montsan]

Perhaps, if your letter is successful, you'll gain closure by being recognized; remembered, acknowledged. IDK, that could work.

 

TBH, my version started out as a bit of that but ended up very differently. I made it hard. Sent a card in a typed envelope mailed from a different city than where I lived. Wrote something inside which only she would know the meaning of, if she had remembered. Didn't sign the card. Put my website name in real small print down by where they put the price on the back of the card. So she had to read the card, think hard about what was in it, then scour it for clues, then look up the web site if she found that and then find my phone number on the web site, then be interested enough to call. Five days after I sent the card, the shop phone rang and a voice I hadn't heard in a couple decades said hello. Heh, closure? Hope you find what you're looking for. Personally, I'd leave things alone but the letter is sent so whatever happens, happens.

 

carhill, do you still carry a torch for her?

[carhill]

Nope, long gone, died in 2009. Accepting reality is a potent tool of closure. However, that was not until after a long period of not accepting reality. So, we each learn in our own time. For myself, it was, hmm, about 25 years. I thought perhaps, many years ago, sending her love letters and cards to her husband might bring closure but it really didn't because I hadn't fully accepted reality. That's a personal process and we each do it in our own way and time. Yours will be yours.

 

I remember a line from a movie that said a lot; yeah, it was a movie but the line was good:

 

In 'Titanic', Gloria Stuart, the elder 'Rose' said that a 'woman's heart was a deep ocean of secrets', referring to her love affair with the young man on the ship who died in the sinking. Something she never told the husband she had married for life about. Someone she remembered forever.

 

Sometimes life goes like that. Mine didn't. Unknown for you. However, you do have a constant companion there with you. Enjoy her. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

[Montsan]

Thank you, carhill.

[ShatteredLady]

My grandparents were married in their very early 20's. Went through the war. Had 2 children. Lived their whole lives together.

 

I recently found-out that my grandmother held a little photograph of her first love, (just a skinny little boy really) in her hand for the last few days of her life. It was next to her when she died.

 

It broke my heart. She was never a very loving woman. In hindsight she was depressive & abusive most of her life. I always knew she felt very disappointed by life...like many women of her generation who 'ran England' for all those years when there weren't any men & were relegated to 2nd class citizens after the war.

 

I don't know if obsessing on her ex had anything to do with it or if her head was only filled with him at the end.

 

It made me so sad because my Grandad was a lovely man who lived his life for others. I just feel like we all deserve to have someone hold OUR photograph at the end. Particularly after a lifetime.

 

I don't know. A lot of things are hitting me at the moment.

 

I also reconnected with a (woman) friend I had in my teens & early 20's. It's been nice chatting to her. She's still 'Facebook friends' with many people we knew back then...including my first love! (I mentioned him earlier) He's never married. No children. Still talks about me as the only one. I'm so sad for him.

 

I think my H's affair & my cancer scares are making me think more about my life. I looked for my friend (her name is far less common than mine). Asked my Mum about family. Just feeling sad

[ShatteredLady]

....I guess I just wish that YOUR WIFE, the woman you truly know, the woman you have shared your life with would be the one you're obsessing about. I want you to be holding HER photograph at the end.

 

Sorry I've been so harsh on you. I'm going to give you the classic "It's not you, it's me!"

[Montsan]

ShatteredLady......

 

 

It was sad to read about your Grandmother. I know how she feels. My German girl had given me a photograph of herself which I kept in my wallet. And then I lost my wallet. At the time, I thought that might be a good thing. It would make it easier to forget her. I had no idea way back then that a love like that lasts a lifetime.

 

 

Some people are saying I'm fantasizing and obsessing. Whatever. The feeling is real and I'm hurting.

 

 

I'm thinking, now, that my letter to her should arrive today. If the reason no one answered the phone is because they are away, then it might be awhile before I hear from her, if ever. I just don't know.

[The D Train]

My grandparents were married in their very early 20's. Went through the war. Had 2 children. Lived their whole lives together.

 

I recently found-out that my grandmother held a little photograph of her first love, (just a skinny little boy really) in her hand for the last few days of her life. It was next to her when she died.

 

 

 

It made me so sad because my Grandad was a lovely man who lived his life for others. I just feel like we all deserve to have someone hold OUR photograph at the end. Particularly after a lifetime.

 

 

I wondered if my last dying thought I will have is the resentment or disappointment I didn't end up with my ex gf & I will die heartbroken.

 

 

I know I should be more grateful b/c I have so many blessings and I have a great wife. Sure there are things I wish I could change but she is a great girl. My family & all of our friend just love her..I think more than they love me (lol). She will do anything for others.

 

 

But I never felt the same absolute bliss as with my ex gf, my first love. How it hurt to be apart from each other. I guess I just have a mental issue caused by the pain from losing her. If I remember some of the issues we had way back then or how I was treated after our break up, it helps me realize, we weren't meant to be together. Maybe it's the pain that she chose someone else over me that hurts the most.

[Montsan]

D Train......................

 

 

How many times do I have to tell you that you have the means to meet with this girl now and find out for certain how the two of you feel about each other, and that you are still young enough to be able to follow your heart.

[The D Train]

D Train......................

 

 

How many times do I have to tell you that you have the means to meet with this girl now and find out for certain how the two of you feel about each other, and that you are still young enough to be able to follow your heart.

 

I know I know but I have almost given up that she feels the same way towards me. I just got a gut punch about an hour ago. I won't go into the details but I a few days ago had information thru my profession that could have pointed to her getting a divorce. It was totally random how I came into this information but I was on cloud 9 when I learned of the possibility but then just an hour ago I confirmed with an associate (not giving any background to him) and he confirmed divorce was not on the table.

 

 

2 Years ago she did Facebook me and I initiated messages on two separate occasions but she stopped responded to the messages after a couple nice exchanges. I got the HINT she didn't want a continuing dialog with me.

 

 

She came from modest means but hit the lottery and her husband is absolutely loaded. No way she risks losing the bank roll for an old flame.

 

 

My wife & I had a huge fight over the FB thing and I adamantly said I had no interest in my ex and I had absolutely no intention on seeing her. It was a rough few weeks with my wife and I don't deal with stress well. We had other fights in our past about my ex gf.

 

 

So I am in a catch 22. If I tell my wife I want to see my ex to address some past issue, it shows I lied about having no interest in her and there will be a huge fight. If I do this behind her back, she will eventually find out and in will be a huge fight. I am just about out of hope so it is not worth the pain. I will just deal with it and hopefully get over it.

[OldRover]

I know I know but I have almost given up that she feels the same way towards me. I just got a gut punch about an hour ago. I won't go into the details but I a few days ago had information thru my profession that could have pointed to her getting a divorce. It was totally random how I came into this information but I was on cloud 9 when I learned of the possibility but then just an hour ago I confirmed with an associate (not giving any background to him) and he confirmed divorce was not on the table.

 

 

2 Years ago she did Facebook me and I initiated messages on two separate occasions but she stopped responded to the messages after a couple nice exchanges. I got the HINT she didn't want a continuing dialog with me.

 

 

She came from modest means but hit the lottery and her husband is absolutely loaded. No way she risks losing the bank roll for an old flame.

 

 

My wife & I had a huge fight over the FB thing and I adamantly said I had no interest in my ex and I had absolutely no intention on seeing her. It was a rough few weeks with my wife and I don't deal with stress well. We had other fights in our past about my ex gf.

 

 

So I am in a catch 22. If I tell my wife I want to see my ex to address some past issue, it shows I lied about having no interest in her and there will be a huge fight. If I do this behind her back, she will eventually find out and in will be a huge fight. I am just about out of hope so it is not worth the pain. I will just deal with it and hopefully get over it.

 

D,

You have a bit of a different situation and motive than Montsan from what I'm reading. Sound like if you had the opportunity to rekindle with the ex, you would. And that's a choice you'd have to make. It's obviously an issue with your wife, so any effort could cause another fight. You have to decide which way to go, and perhaps stick to it. Being in limbo sucks.

 

And, who know, your ex may not care about the hubby's bank roll... that happens.

 

But you need to decide, and it's unfair to your wife to keep her in the dark.

 

But, I hate to hijack Montsan's thread... perhaps you could start your own. Best to whatever you choose.

 

As for Montsan, sure seems like he just wants some kind of closure and hope he finds it.

[RySant]

I don't side with anyone here. I am too young to say this is right or wrong. I'll get there if life permits it.

 

But I am learning a lot from the experiences of you all, seniors, about life and love. I am starting to wonder on who's to blame for people not being with who their heart is screaming: Life, poeple itself or fate?

[Montsan]

I just read this story online:

 

 

WWII Vet Sees Lost Love After 70 Years

 

A World War II army veteran from Virginia will soon travel over 10,000 miles to Australia to meet face-to-face with his long lost first love after over 71 years apart.

Norwood Thomas, 93, of Virginia Beach will make the trip to see 88-year-old Joyce Durrant in February, just in time for Valentine's Day, his son Steven Thomas told ABC News today.

 

The two had dated for a few months in London during 1944 but were separated when Thomas was forced to leave for the Battle of Normandy in France.

The veteran and his wartime girlfriend connected for the first time in more than seven decades this past November. Durrant had surprised Thomas with a phone call after her son Robert had looked him up online.

"When she called me 'Tommy,' her nickname for me, Oh, my God, it stirred emotions that had been dormant for a long, long time," Norwood Thomas told ABC News in November. "She had always been on the fringes of my thoughts this whole time. She'd always pop up as a pleasant memory, and it turns out that she'd been thinking of me this whole time too."

 

 

Shortly after, Thomas' and Durrant's sons set up a Skype session for the two, during which, Thomas found out Durrant keeps a photo of him that she said good morning to everyday.

 

 

 

"I told her that I put her on a pedestal," Thomas said. "I called her the pure, untouched and unobtainable goddess. And there she stayed on that pedestal for the rest of my life."

Though Thomas isn't sure he'd call his "strong feelings" for Durrant "love," he is excited to see Durrant again in Australia and to "reminisce about their old days together," his son Steven Thomas said.

Thomas' son added that he and Durrant's son didn't want to spoil the surprises they have in store for their parents, but they were willing to share that there would be one day involving "something big with aviation."

Thomas' trip was made possible by hundreds of people who made donations online after reading his story and by Air New Zealand, which made arrangements to fly Thomas and his son first class, free of charge.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Montsan

[RySant]

Huh. So these things do happen.

 

Montsan, by all means, I hope you get what you're looking for. Let us know if she responds to your letter.

Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of immediately preceding post

[Montsan]

Yes, these things do happen. And if D Train (sorry, mod, last reference to someone this thread isn't about) doesn't act now, he will end his life full of regret.

 

 

I'm assuming that my letter to her had arrived yesterday, and every time I see that I have a new email message, my heart just jumps. But, again, I don't know if the reason I wasn't getting an answer when I'd call is because she is away.

[carhill]

OP, I would expect, if the lady receives your letter and reads it and recognizes you, it's highly likely she will acknowledge your contact, even if it's not everything you want to hear. That kind of sense of responsibility is ingrained in your generation.

 

One way to look at it would be, if a person you'd had contact with in the distant past sent you a similar letter, regardless of whether or not you had any unrequited feelings for them, would you feel a responsibility of care to respond? Why or why not?

 

Heh, another story.... back in my virginal dating years when I didn't move fast enough for women, I had dated for a month or so a nice lady with two kids. We didn't go on many dates, I think maybe three, and I wasn't moving fast enough for her so she dumped me. My response to that was kinda harsh. A year later, I was reflecting on things and sent her a card of apology. It turned out that she did marry the UPS guy and she did appreciate my apology, or so she shared. Even though she had gotten married in the interim, she still felt it worthwhile and decent to respond.

 

Hopefully, similar will occur for you and you can put this to bed.

[OldRover]

OP, I would expect, if the lady receives your letter and reads it and recognizes you, it's highly likely she will acknowledge your contact, even if it's not everything you want to hear. That kind of sense of responsibility is ingrained in your generation.

 

One way to look at it would be, if a person you'd had contact with in the distant past sent you a similar letter, regardless of whether or not you had any unrequited feelings for them, would you feel a responsibility of care to respond? Why or why not?

 

Heh, another story.... back in my virginal dating years when I didn't move fast enough for women, I had dated for a month or so a nice lady with two kids. We didn't go on many dates, I think maybe three, and I wasn't moving fast enough for her so she dumped me. My response to that was kinda harsh. A year later, I was reflecting on things and sent her a card of apology. It turned out that she did marry the UPS guy and she did appreciate my apology, or so she shared. Even though she had gotten married in the interim, she still felt it worthwhile and decent to respond.

 

Hopefully, similar will occur for you and you can put this to bed.

 

Carhill,

 

Good point, and while a lot of folks wouldn't necessarily want to strike up another relationship with a past ex, they do care how you're doing and like to hear about it. That could be the case for Montsan, and will bring him some relief and closure.

 

I've done it, it's worked out fine, no issues and just nice to hear from them. But, I did involve my wife and she was with me for the most part.

 

Hope that Montsan can bring this to a conclusion... and maybe it might just be a thing where they continue to keep in touch. Now, ya gotta be careful with that one.