Author Montsan Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 ShatteredLady...... It was sad to read about your Grandmother. I know how she feels. My German girl had given me a photograph of herself which I kept in my wallet. And then I lost my wallet. At the time, I thought that might be a good thing. It would make it easier to forget her. I had no idea way back then that a love like that lasts a lifetime. Some people are saying I'm fantasizing and obsessing. Whatever. The feeling is real and I'm hurting. I'm thinking, now, that my letter to her should arrive today. If the reason no one answered the phone is because they are away, then it might be awhile before I hear from her, if ever. I just don't know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My grandparents were married in their very early 20's. Went through the war. Had 2 children. Lived their whole lives together. I recently found-out that my grandmother held a little photograph of her first love, (just a skinny little boy really) in her hand for the last few days of her life. It was next to her when she died. It made me so sad because my Grandad was a lovely man who lived his life for others. I just feel like we all deserve to have someone hold OUR photograph at the end. Particularly after a lifetime. I wondered if my last dying thought I will have is the resentment or disappointment I didn't end up with my ex gf & I will die heartbroken. I know I should be more grateful b/c I have so many blessings and I have a great wife. Sure there are things I wish I could change but she is a great girl. My family & all of our friend just love her..I think more than they love me (lol). She will do anything for others. But I never felt the same absolute bliss as with my ex gf, my first love. How it hurt to be apart from each other. I guess I just have a mental issue caused by the pain from losing her. If I remember some of the issues we had way back then or how I was treated after our break up, it helps me realize, we weren't meant to be together. Maybe it's the pain that she chose someone else over me that hurts the most. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 D Train...................... How many times do I have to tell you that you have the means to meet with this girl now and find out for certain how the two of you feel about each other, and that you are still young enough to be able to follow your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 D Train...................... How many times do I have to tell you that you have the means to meet with this girl now and find out for certain how the two of you feel about each other, and that you are still young enough to be able to follow your heart. I know I know but I have almost given up that she feels the same way towards me. I just got a gut punch about an hour ago. I won't go into the details but I a few days ago had information thru my profession that could have pointed to her getting a divorce. It was totally random how I came into this information but I was on cloud 9 when I learned of the possibility but then just an hour ago I confirmed with an associate (not giving any background to him) and he confirmed divorce was not on the table. 2 Years ago she did Facebook me and I initiated messages on two separate occasions but she stopped responded to the messages after a couple nice exchanges. I got the HINT she didn't want a continuing dialog with me. She came from modest means but hit the lottery and her husband is absolutely loaded. No way she risks losing the bank roll for an old flame. My wife & I had a huge fight over the FB thing and I adamantly said I had no interest in my ex and I had absolutely no intention on seeing her. It was a rough few weeks with my wife and I don't deal with stress well. We had other fights in our past about my ex gf. So I am in a catch 22. If I tell my wife I want to see my ex to address some past issue, it shows I lied about having no interest in her and there will be a huge fight. If I do this behind her back, she will eventually find out and in will be a huge fight. I am just about out of hope so it is not worth the pain. I will just deal with it and hopefully get over it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I know I know but I have almost given up that she feels the same way towards me. I just got a gut punch about an hour ago. I won't go into the details but I a few days ago had information thru my profession that could have pointed to her getting a divorce. It was totally random how I came into this information but I was on cloud 9 when I learned of the possibility but then just an hour ago I confirmed with an associate (not giving any background to him) and he confirmed divorce was not on the table. 2 Years ago she did Facebook me and I initiated messages on two separate occasions but she stopped responded to the messages after a couple nice exchanges. I got the HINT she didn't want a continuing dialog with me. She came from modest means but hit the lottery and her husband is absolutely loaded. No way she risks losing the bank roll for an old flame. My wife & I had a huge fight over the FB thing and I adamantly said I had no interest in my ex and I had absolutely no intention on seeing her. It was a rough few weeks with my wife and I don't deal with stress well. We had other fights in our past about my ex gf. So I am in a catch 22. If I tell my wife I want to see my ex to address some past issue, it shows I lied about having no interest in her and there will be a huge fight. If I do this behind her back, she will eventually find out and in will be a huge fight. I am just about out of hope so it is not worth the pain. I will just deal with it and hopefully get over it. D, You have a bit of a different situation and motive than Montsan from what I'm reading. Sound like if you had the opportunity to rekindle with the ex, you would. And that's a choice you'd have to make. It's obviously an issue with your wife, so any effort could cause another fight. You have to decide which way to go, and perhaps stick to it. Being in limbo sucks. And, who know, your ex may not care about the hubby's bank roll... that happens. But you need to decide, and it's unfair to your wife to keep her in the dark. But, I hate to hijack Montsan's thread... perhaps you could start your own. Best to whatever you choose. As for Montsan, sure seems like he just wants some kind of closure and hope he finds it. Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 I don't side with anyone here. I am too young to say this is right or wrong. I'll get there if life permits it. But I am learning a lot from the experiences of you all, seniors, about life and love. I am starting to wonder on who's to blame for people not being with who their heart is screaming: Life, poeple itself or fate? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) I just read this story online: WWII Vet Sees Lost Love After 70 Years A World War II army veteran from Virginia will soon travel over 10,000 miles to Australia to meet face-to-face with his long lost first love after over 71 years apart. Norwood Thomas, 93, of Virginia Beach will make the trip to see 88-year-old Joyce Durrant in February, just in time for Valentine's Day, his son Steven Thomas told ABC News today. The two had dated for a few months in London during 1944 but were separated when Thomas was forced to leave for the Battle of Normandy in France. The veteran and his wartime girlfriend connected for the first time in more than seven decades this past November. Durrant had surprised Thomas with a phone call after her son Robert had looked him up online. "When she called me 'Tommy,' her nickname for me, Oh, my God, it stirred emotions that had been dormant for a long, long time," Norwood Thomas told ABC News in November. "She had always been on the fringes of my thoughts this whole time. She'd always pop up as a pleasant memory, and it turns out that she'd been thinking of me this whole time too." Shortly after, Thomas' and Durrant's sons set up a Skype session for the two, during which, Thomas found out Durrant keeps a photo of him that she said good morning to everyday. "I told her that I put her on a pedestal," Thomas said. "I called her the pure, untouched and unobtainable goddess. And there she stayed on that pedestal for the rest of my life." Though Thomas isn't sure he'd call his "strong feelings" for Durrant "love," he is excited to see Durrant again in Australia and to "reminisce about their old days together," his son Steven Thomas said. Thomas' son added that he and Durrant's son didn't want to spoil the surprises they have in store for their parents, but they were willing to share that there would be one day involving "something big with aviation." Thomas' trip was made possible by hundreds of people who made donations online after reading his story and by Air New Zealand, which made arrangements to fly Thomas and his son first class, free of charge. Edited January 22, 2016 by Montsan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 (edited) Huh. So these things do happen. Montsan, by all means, I hope you get what you're looking for. Let us know if she responds to your letter. Edited January 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 22, 2016 Author Share Posted January 22, 2016 Yes, these things do happen. And if D Train (sorry, mod, last reference to someone this thread isn't about) doesn't act now, he will end his life full of regret. I'm assuming that my letter to her had arrived yesterday, and every time I see that I have a new email message, my heart just jumps. But, again, I don't know if the reason I wasn't getting an answer when I'd call is because she is away. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 OP, I would expect, if the lady receives your letter and reads it and recognizes you, it's highly likely she will acknowledge your contact, even if it's not everything you want to hear. That kind of sense of responsibility is ingrained in your generation. One way to look at it would be, if a person you'd had contact with in the distant past sent you a similar letter, regardless of whether or not you had any unrequited feelings for them, would you feel a responsibility of care to respond? Why or why not? Heh, another story.... back in my virginal dating years when I didn't move fast enough for women, I had dated for a month or so a nice lady with two kids. We didn't go on many dates, I think maybe three, and I wasn't moving fast enough for her so she dumped me. My response to that was kinda harsh. A year later, I was reflecting on things and sent her a card of apology. It turned out that she did marry the UPS guy and she did appreciate my apology, or so she shared. Even though she had gotten married in the interim, she still felt it worthwhile and decent to respond. Hopefully, similar will occur for you and you can put this to bed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 OP, I would expect, if the lady receives your letter and reads it and recognizes you, it's highly likely she will acknowledge your contact, even if it's not everything you want to hear. That kind of sense of responsibility is ingrained in your generation. One way to look at it would be, if a person you'd had contact with in the distant past sent you a similar letter, regardless of whether or not you had any unrequited feelings for them, would you feel a responsibility of care to respond? Why or why not? Heh, another story.... back in my virginal dating years when I didn't move fast enough for women, I had dated for a month or so a nice lady with two kids. We didn't go on many dates, I think maybe three, and I wasn't moving fast enough for her so she dumped me. My response to that was kinda harsh. A year later, I was reflecting on things and sent her a card of apology. It turned out that she did marry the UPS guy and she did appreciate my apology, or so she shared. Even though she had gotten married in the interim, she still felt it worthwhile and decent to respond. Hopefully, similar will occur for you and you can put this to bed. Carhill, Good point, and while a lot of folks wouldn't necessarily want to strike up another relationship with a past ex, they do care how you're doing and like to hear about it. That could be the case for Montsan, and will bring him some relief and closure. I've done it, it's worked out fine, no issues and just nice to hear from them. But, I did involve my wife and she was with me for the most part. Hope that Montsan can bring this to a conclusion... and maybe it might just be a thing where they continue to keep in touch. Now, ya gotta be careful with that one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I'm assuming that my letter to her had arrived yesterday, and every time I see that I have a new email message, my heart just jumps. But, again, I don't know if the reason I wasn't getting an answer when I'd call is because she is away. Be honest with yourself..You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to, this is just for you - How will you feel if she doesn't answer back? Will you be able to let go and not have such a strong urge to relive those past memories and feelings? Can you go forward peacefully and continuing life with your wife? Or will this woman always haunt you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I don't know. Would you be willing to go to counseling so you can learn how to let go of your past flame? Hanging onto and reliving those feelings and keeping her so close to your heart and feeling this attached to someone after SO many years isn't healthy. It's border line obsession and it has interfered with your marriage and what you feel towards your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. So many people here, not just on this thread, but other threads I've read, throw out counseling, therapy, see a shrink at the drop of a hat. I've been called unhealthy and even pathological. Believe me, no amount therapy will ever convince me that I really don't love this girl. If she never responds, if I don't get the closure I seek, well then there's not much I can do about it. It will just be my cross to bear. I will never tell my wife about this. There is absolutely no reason to hurt her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I didn't read all of the posts (too many) so I don't know if this was covered...but you do realize that most married women reading this are going to freak out on you? Married women want to always think they were their husbands great love & that their H would never have "the one that got away" yet if any of them read studies, more married men have the one that got away, more than they don't. Men get married when their ready & of course it's to someone they love but most times they had "that one" at the wrong time, doesn't take the love away from their wife...it's just different. Happens to some women too. I don't see harm in a "how are you doing" catch up email...but only if you can handle she might not write back. Just be realistic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you, Whoknew. I am being realistic. I don't know if she will ever respond to my letter. I certainly hope she does. You have no idea how much I hope she does. But, if she never does, I'll just deal with it. As far as my wife is concerned, I do love her. I love her very much. Can a person love two people at once? I guess so. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you, Whoknew. I am being realistic. I don't know if she will ever respond to my letter. I certainly hope she does. You have no idea how much I hope she does. But, if she never does, I'll just deal with it. As far as my wife is concerned, I do love her. I love her very much. Can a person love two people at once? I guess so. You have a past love with this woman & are curious, I can understand that. As long as you don't cross any martial boundaries, I don't think it's a big deal. Just be true to your wife . Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I hope it all turns out well for you. As I said, I recently (not intentionally) learnt about my first loves life & its shaken me & made me very sad. I was much happier with my illusion that he had got on with life, fallen in love, got married, had kids, been successful etc. I'm not sure how I feel now (or why I feel anything at all) but it's sad & I have this sense of guilt. Wish I never knew. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. So many people here, not just on this thread, but other threads I've read, throw out counseling, therapy, see a shrink at the drop of a hat. I've been called unhealthy and even pathological. Believe me, no amount therapy will ever convince me that I really don't love this girl. If she never responds, if I don't get the closure I seek, well then there's not much I can do about it. It will just be my cross to bear. I will never tell my wife about this. There is absolutely no reason to hurt her. There is also no reason to hold on to imagined feelings for a woman you never really knew then and certainly don't know now. You really aren't in love with this woman. You're in love with an idea of this woman that is entirely of your own construction. It's the equivalent of making up a character for a novel and then saying you're in love with it. And, frankly, I had a guy I dated for 6 YEARS try contact me and even claim to have feelings for me. I hadn't seen or talked to him in nearly 16 years when he sent me a message. It creeped me out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. So many people here, not just on this thread, but other threads I've read, throw out counseling, therapy, see a shrink at the drop of a hat. I've been called unhealthy and even pathological. Believe me, no amount therapy will ever convince me that I really don't love this girl. If she never responds, if I don't get the closure I seek, well then there's not much I can do about it. It will just be my cross to bear. I will never tell my wife about this. There is absolutely no reason to hurt her. Respectfully I'm bowing out of your thread. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 OP, as someone who's been through comprehensive marriage counseling with a psychologist, I get your aversion to that stuff. My male friends, to a man, thought I was an idiot for wasting my hard-earned money on 'that crap'. It's probably generational. Most of my friends are around your age and nearly all of them have been married 30-40 years. They figure no kid psychologist will ever know as much about marriage as they do. That's how it goes. I respect that. We each have our paths of understanding. Yours will be yours. Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 D-Train & Montsan. Let's switch the situation Let's say you two are in your wives shoes and you found out that they were doing what you are doing. What is your reaction? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I'm about to watch "An affair to remember". I've never seen it. I wonder if it'll be like your story, Montsan... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 D-Train & Montsan. Let's switch the situation Let's say you two are in your wives shoes and you found out that they were doing what you are doing. What is your reaction? I love this question because it may help Montsan and D Train to remember to respect and emphasize with their wives. Some men have a hard time remembering to consider the feelings of loved ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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