whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I'm assuming that my letter to her had arrived yesterday, and every time I see that I have a new email message, my heart just jumps. But, again, I don't know if the reason I wasn't getting an answer when I'd call is because she is away. Be honest with yourself..You don't have to answer this publicly if you don't want to, this is just for you - How will you feel if she doesn't answer back? Will you be able to let go and not have such a strong urge to relive those past memories and feelings? Can you go forward peacefully and continuing life with your wife? Or will this woman always haunt you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I don't know. Would you be willing to go to counseling so you can learn how to let go of your past flame? Hanging onto and reliving those feelings and keeping her so close to your heart and feeling this attached to someone after SO many years isn't healthy. It's border line obsession and it has interfered with your marriage and what you feel towards your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. So many people here, not just on this thread, but other threads I've read, throw out counseling, therapy, see a shrink at the drop of a hat. I've been called unhealthy and even pathological. Believe me, no amount therapy will ever convince me that I really don't love this girl. If she never responds, if I don't get the closure I seek, well then there's not much I can do about it. It will just be my cross to bear. I will never tell my wife about this. There is absolutely no reason to hurt her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I didn't read all of the posts (too many) so I don't know if this was covered...but you do realize that most married women reading this are going to freak out on you? Married women want to always think they were their husbands great love & that their H would never have "the one that got away" yet if any of them read studies, more married men have the one that got away, more than they don't. Men get married when their ready & of course it's to someone they love but most times they had "that one" at the wrong time, doesn't take the love away from their wife...it's just different. Happens to some women too. I don't see harm in a "how are you doing" catch up email...but only if you can handle she might not write back. Just be realistic 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 23, 2016 Author Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you, Whoknew. I am being realistic. I don't know if she will ever respond to my letter. I certainly hope she does. You have no idea how much I hope she does. But, if she never does, I'll just deal with it. As far as my wife is concerned, I do love her. I love her very much. Can a person love two people at once? I guess so. Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thank you, Whoknew. I am being realistic. I don't know if she will ever respond to my letter. I certainly hope she does. You have no idea how much I hope she does. But, if she never does, I'll just deal with it. As far as my wife is concerned, I do love her. I love her very much. Can a person love two people at once? I guess so. You have a past love with this woman & are curious, I can understand that. As long as you don't cross any martial boundaries, I don't think it's a big deal. Just be true to your wife . Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I hope it all turns out well for you. As I said, I recently (not intentionally) learnt about my first loves life & its shaken me & made me very sad. I was much happier with my illusion that he had got on with life, fallen in love, got married, had kids, been successful etc. I'm not sure how I feel now (or why I feel anything at all) but it's sad & I have this sense of guilt. Wish I never knew. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. So many people here, not just on this thread, but other threads I've read, throw out counseling, therapy, see a shrink at the drop of a hat. I've been called unhealthy and even pathological. Believe me, no amount therapy will ever convince me that I really don't love this girl. If she never responds, if I don't get the closure I seek, well then there's not much I can do about it. It will just be my cross to bear. I will never tell my wife about this. There is absolutely no reason to hurt her. There is also no reason to hold on to imagined feelings for a woman you never really knew then and certainly don't know now. You really aren't in love with this woman. You're in love with an idea of this woman that is entirely of your own construction. It's the equivalent of making up a character for a novel and then saying you're in love with it. And, frankly, I had a guy I dated for 6 YEARS try contact me and even claim to have feelings for me. I hadn't seen or talked to him in nearly 16 years when he sent me a message. It creeped me out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. So many people here, not just on this thread, but other threads I've read, throw out counseling, therapy, see a shrink at the drop of a hat. I've been called unhealthy and even pathological. Believe me, no amount therapy will ever convince me that I really don't love this girl. If she never responds, if I don't get the closure I seek, well then there's not much I can do about it. It will just be my cross to bear. I will never tell my wife about this. There is absolutely no reason to hurt her. Respectfully I'm bowing out of your thread. Good luck and I hope you find what you're looking for. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 OP, as someone who's been through comprehensive marriage counseling with a psychologist, I get your aversion to that stuff. My male friends, to a man, thought I was an idiot for wasting my hard-earned money on 'that crap'. It's probably generational. Most of my friends are around your age and nearly all of them have been married 30-40 years. They figure no kid psychologist will ever know as much about marriage as they do. That's how it goes. I respect that. We each have our paths of understanding. Yours will be yours. Link to post Share on other sites
summerdowling87 Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 D-Train & Montsan. Let's switch the situation Let's say you two are in your wives shoes and you found out that they were doing what you are doing. What is your reaction? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 I'm about to watch "An affair to remember". I've never seen it. I wonder if it'll be like your story, Montsan... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 D-Train & Montsan. Let's switch the situation Let's say you two are in your wives shoes and you found out that they were doing what you are doing. What is your reaction? I love this question because it may help Montsan and D Train to remember to respect and emphasize with their wives. Some men have a hard time remembering to consider the feelings of loved ones. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. You make a good point. Everyone has to decide how to deal with their own situation, especially in marriage. Sure, there are some things that you just don't tell your partner. However, I would limit that to things that are not controversial, trust issues or anything, that if known, could damage your relationship. I trust the OP in not telling his wife for his sake, but that's his choice, and not one that I would feel comfortable with. Because, if she knew about it, it "may" have an effect on the relationship. And, if she found out from a third party, even worst. If she asked how do my shoes look (and they were flat ugly), I might say, their ok, but not my favorite. If she asked my how she looked and was meeting others, I might be a bit more pragmatic, with the goal that perhaps she could do something to improve her appearance. Totally different when you're dealing with a member of the opposite sex, let alone an ex. Also, age has little to do with it, except more time for experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 Thank you, carhill and OldRover.......... It would appear that those who have or are going through this sort of thing are the ones who truly understand what I'm going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) Montsan your feelings remind me of the Movie "45 years" now playing... 45 Years*(2015) - Rotten Tomatoes Edited January 24, 2016 by Doublegold url Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. Sneaking around behind your wife's back to contact some chick you think you're in love with is NOT protecting your wife from pain. It's deliberately causing it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. Just because a marriage has lasted for many decades, it doesn't mean that the marriage is a happy union. A couple can live forever in quiet desperation or unhappiness. People often forget that women in Montsan's generation were taught to look the other way and tolerate anything from their husbands. How can Montsan say that he loves his wife yet he also says that another woman was the true love of his life? Sounds like Montsan settled for his wife to me. It's like husbands who have affairs yet keep their wives in the dark. Protecting their wives from the pain of discovery is not a loving action. It is about self preservation, rationalizing terrible actions and feeling entitled to a side piece. I don't expect my husband to never look at an attractive woman or never think about his exes. However, if my husband told me that he never loved anyone as much as he loved his ex, I would tell him to go find the woman he is so smitten with. I believe that if the shoes were on the other feet, Montsan and D Train would not be calm and understanding if their wives were being so disrespectful. Of course, I am open to being corrected as I could be wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 One, you are purely speculating about the OP's marriage. I'm going by what he's posted. I can quote the posts for you if you wish, then it'll get interesting. Two, the OP isn't having an affair with anyone. He hasn't even had any contact with another human being. He called a phone and received no response and has sent a letter and has received no response. Fishing expedition. No bite. Next. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 One, you are purely speculating about the OP's marriage. I'm going by what he's posted. I can quote the posts for you if you wish, then it'll get interesting. Two, the OP isn't having an affair with anyone. He hasn't even had any contact with another human being. He called a phone and received no response and has sent a letter and has received no response. Fishing expedition. No bite. Next. The OP clearly stated that he never loved another woman as much as he loved the German woman. I was responding to your erroneous comment about the success of a marriage being based on how long it has lasted. I also did not say that the OP was having an affair. If you read the post before responding, you would have seen that I used keeping an affair a secret as an example of why deception is not as noble as you are trying to pretend it is. No need for me to fish because I am confident in my beliefs. It is extremely simplistic and naive to think that if a couple stays married, it automatically means that they must be happy together. At your age, I would think that you have experienced enough to know that couples stay together for many reasons which have nothing to do with love. If you want to justify and rationalize the OP's actions, you are free to do so but I am not going to take the same position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 From what I have seen on LS, when posters are asked very direct questions like, "How would you feel if your wife was doing what you are doing?" and they avoid and do not answer, they are in strong fantasy and denial. Only reality can burst that bubble. Reality will show you what is true and right, Montsan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 I didn't know I was required to answer questions. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) I didn't know I was required to answer questions. Great point. You are not required to answer questions at all. It's just natural for others to ask questions about your situation given that this is an online conversation. For some reason, acknowledging that your wife would not be happy with your admissions is distressing for you. Only you know for sure why that is....I'm guessing that is probably your conscience. The other piece of this puzzle is your constant defensiveness. People only become defensive when they know they are wrong and someone has struck a nerve. If you were fine with being "in love" with someone else while you are married, there would be no need for anger as well as validation. Edited January 25, 2016 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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