Unrequited Love

[Montsan]

Yeah, well, I'm sorry that you and some others here find this to be upsetting. Fortunately for you, you don't have to go through what I am going through.

[Babs22]

Thank you, carhill and OldRover..........

 

 

It would appear that those who have or are going through this sort of thing are the ones who truly understand what I'm going through.

 

Monstan,

Thanks for sharing your story. I have skimmed through most of it, but I think I have the story mostly. You are happily married, but you have sent a letter to someone 30 or 35 years from your past that you fell madly in love with.

 

I don't see a problem with reaching out. I do wonder why now, after all these years, you felt the need bad enough to search for her? Was it just a feeling you had? I do feel that sometimes I think of someone at the exact moment they might be thinking about me. I called my mom on the morning she died, I believe I called her at the exact time she was passing (heart attack/sudden). I got a call from the police about 30 minutes after I left her a message on her answering machine. Years later, I was trying to contact my mom's brother. I had called a couple times over the past two weeks. I could not reach him. One day, I called my sister-in-law to tell her I was concerned and she was a bit freaked out. Apparently, his neighbor had just called them to tell them that my uncle was very sick and had been for weeks. They called an ambulance to take him to the hospital, he died the next day. Sometimes, you need to listen to the little voice in your head, sometimes its nothing, but sometimes it really is trying to tell you something.

 

This could be the making of a good movie. I do hope you continue to come back and post and let us know if you get any response to your letter. I don't think that you are trying to rekindle a romance from the past. I can see wanting to find out how someone from your past was doing. I do hope she responds. Thanks again for sharing your story.

 

Have you considered sending her a friend request on facebook? You may have already covered that and I missed it.

[MJJean]

One, you are purely speculating about the OP's marriage. I'm going by what he's posted. I can quote the posts for you if you wish, then it'll get interesting.

 

Two, the OP isn't having an affair with anyone. He hasn't even had any contact with another human being. He called a phone and received no response and has sent a letter and has received no response.

 

Fishing expedition. No bite. Next.

 

Did you read what you wrote and really think about it?

 

This is a man who claims he is "truly" in love with a woman who is NOT his wife. He has further, without his wife's knowledge or consent, attempted to contact this woman.

 

For most spouses, the lie by omission about feelings for another person combined with secretive attempts to contact said other person would be extremely upsetting if not enough of a betrayal to warrant divorce lawyers getting involved.

 

In other words, him going fishing was a betrayal, no matter if he actually caught anything.

 

If Montsan has the balls to contact some woman he knew for a week decades ago, maybe he should find the balls to tell his wife the whole story. Including that he considers this other woman the love of his life and that he has recently tried to contact her.

 

If Montsan was 30 instead of much older, claimed to be in love with someone not his wife, claimed that someone was the love of his life, and said he was trying to contact her on the DL to "protect his wife's feelings"...well, I have a feeling responses would be very different.

Edited January 25, 2016 by MJJean

[GoodOnPaper]

If Montsan was 30 instead of much older, claimed to be in love with someone not his wife, claimed that someone was the love of his life, and said he was trying to contact her on the DL to "protect his wife's feelings"...well, I have a feeling responses would be very different.

 

Of course . . . because he'd have most of his adult life ahead of him, there would be less of a history to protect. While the OP may be taking a risk that his actions will generate more drama than he's prepared to deal with, I think there is at least an equal, but probably greater, chance that, to borrow carhill's analogy, this is an empty fishing expedition.

[BettyDraper]

Did you read what you wrote and really think about it?

 

This is a man who claims he is "truly" in love with a woman who is NOT his wife. He has further, without his wife's knowledge or consent, attempted to contact this woman.

 

For most spouses, the lie by omission about feelings for another person combined with secretive attempts to contact said other person would be extremely upsetting if not enough of a betrayal to warrant divorce lawyers getting involved.

 

In other words, him going fishing was a betrayal, no matter if he actually caught anything.

 

If Montsan has the balls to contact some woman he knew for a week decades ago, maybe he should find the balls to tell his wife the whole story. Including that he considers this other woman the love of his life and that he has recently tried to contact her.

 

If Montsan was 30 instead of much older, claimed to be in love with someone not his wife, claimed that someone was the love of his life, and said he was trying to contact her on the DL to "protect his wife's feelings"...well, I have a feeling responses would be very different.

 

I agree with this post. Montsan isn't just catching up with an old friend; he is in love with her which is entirely different. It's amazing how people see the words that they want to read rather than being mindful of what is truly being said.

 

One question I have is why would the responses be any different if Montsan was 30? It's still a betrayal at any age and 30 is old enough to know right from wrong.

[MJJean]

Of course . . . because he'd have most of his adult life ahead of him, there would be less of a history to protect. While the OP may be taking a risk that his actions will generate more drama than he's prepared to deal with, I think there is at least an equal, but probably greater, chance that, to borrow carhill's analogy, this is an empty fishing expedition.

 

Oh, so it's ok to lie to and betray your spouse by contacting someone you are in love with if A) you have history to protect and B) the other woman isn't going to respond. Gotcha.

 

Never mind he could have avoided even the possibility of drama if he simply stopped obsessing about a woman not his wife and refrained from trying to contact said woman.

 

@BettyDraper See above re: the age making a difference.

Edited January 25, 2016 by MJJean

[OldRover]

Age makes NO difference.

[BettyDraper]

A lie is a lie is a betrayal.

 

If someone is old enough to marry, he is old enough to be respectful of that commitment.

 

I don't expect married people to never fantasize about anyone else but not to the extent of pining for others and being in love with them.

[GoodOnPaper]

Oh, so it's ok to lie to and betray your spouse by contacting someone you are in love with if A) you have history to protect and B) the other woman isn't going to respond. Gotcha.

 

Never mind he could have avoided even the possibility of drama if he simply stopped obsessing about a woman not his wife and refrained from trying to contact said woman.

 

Personally, as far as betrayal goes, I don't think the fish-or-cut-bait point arrives until he receives a reply. Then, if he continues on with her behind his wife's back, I will agree that there is a problem.

[BettyDraper]

Personally, as far as betrayal goes, I don't think the fish-or-cut-bait point arrives until he receives a reply. Then, if he continues on with her behind his wife's back, I will agree that there is a problem.

 

Do you think it is a problem that Montsan considers another woman to be the love of his life?

[GoodOnPaper]

Do you think it is a problem that Montsan considers another woman to be the love of his life?

 

Not necessarily. Circumstances, timing, and luck play huge roles in determining not only who we have relationships with but the way those relationships come together. When we're young, we can afford to have the head/heart mix be virtually 100% heart (or infatuation). It feels amazing but later when real life starts to catch up with us, it's not surprising if there is at least a little less infatuation involved when a man makes a decision to commit to an LTR or marriage. I sense that here. It doesn't mean that the OP doesn't love his wife a lot. It doesn't mean that he devalues or disrespects the life he has built with his wife and family.

 

Also, keep in mind that even if he reconnects with this other woman, circumstances and timing are now very different -- that alone could very well dampen the infatuation he currently associates with her in his mind.

[BettyDraper]

Not necessarily. Circumstances, timing, and luck play huge roles in determining not only who we have relationships with but the way those relationships come together. When we're young, we can afford to have the head/heart mix be virtually 100% heart (or infatuation). It feels amazing but later when real life starts to catch up with us, it's not surprising if there is at least a little less infatuation involved when a man makes a decision to commit to an LTR or marriage. I sense that here. It doesn't mean that the OP doesn't love his wife a lot. It doesn't mean that he devalues or disrespects the life he has built with his wife and family.

 

Also, keep in mind that even if he reconnects with this other woman, circumstances and timing are now very different -- that alone could very well dampen the infatuation he currently associates with her in his mind.

 

What you're saying makes complete sense. However, there some glaring facts here.

 

Montsan has been very adamant that he is in love and not infatuated.

While I don't agree with him, he knows better than anyone else what he is feeling. I don't live in his head after all.

 

I believe that Montsan does love his wife but not as much as he loves the German woman. This is based on his assertions that he is in love and not just having a crush. I also think that being in love with someone else while married and constantly thinking of another person is disrespectful and unhealthy.

[Montsan]

Funny thing. Well, not so funny, really. Over two years ago I received an email from a girl with whom I had once had a passionate relationship. In it, she said she knew our paths would once again cross someday and, "I would love to catch up if you are so inclined."

 

 

I checked to see if she was on FB, which she was, and saw that she was married. I chose not to reply to her email. I saw no need to give her any false hope if she still felt something for me. I now understand how she must have felt, so I recently replied to her email. I have not received a reply so I don't know if she no longer uses that particular email account or if she also decided not to reply. I also see that her FB page no longer exists. So, I don't know what's going on there.

 

 

I have no desire to rekindle anything with this girl, it's just that, like me, she might just like to hear from someone she once very much cared for.

[Montsan]

You love your wife.

 

You're in love with the German gal.

 

Now you've also sent a message to the old flame.

 

 

Why are you seeking an ego feed so much right now that you want some other women to respond to you?

 

The "old flame" is no longer flaming. I've merely stated that I now know how she might feel, and for her sake, I think I owe it to her to at least acknowledge her. But, like I said, she seems to have disappeared.

[Montsan]

Well, it's been a week since I mailed my letter and there's been no reply. I had asked her to email me. The lack of a reply could mean one of several things.

 

 

1. She is away, which is a distinct possibility as there was no answer each time I called.

 

 

2. Wrong address, in which case I hope the letter is forwarded. Unlikely, though, as several sources listed the same address.

 

 

3. My letter somehow didn't make it.

 

 

4. Her husband intercepted the letter and didn't let her know.

 

 

5. She has read my letter and chooses not to respond.

 

 

With each passing day my hopes of ever hearing from her again get dimmer and dimmer. The most likely scenario is #5. If I never hear from her, then that's just the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll assume that #5 is the case and I will not make any further attempts to try and contact her. I haven't loaded up her Facebook page in a few days, and I will never do so again. It just hurts too much.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, it's been a week since I mailed my letter and there's been no reply. I had asked her to email me. The lack of a reply could mean one of several things.

 

 

1. She is away, which is a distinct possibility as there was no answer each time I called.

 

 

2. Wrong address, in which case I hope the letter is forwarded. Unlikely, though, as several sources listed the same address.

 

 

3. My letter somehow didn't make it.

 

 

4. Her husband intercepted the letter and didn't let her know.

 

 

5. She has read my letter and chooses not to respond.

 

 

With each passing day my hopes of ever hearing from her again get dimmer and dimmer. The most likely scenario is #5. If I never hear from her, then that's just the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll assume that #5 is the case and I will not make any further attempts to try and contact her. I haven't loaded up her Facebook page in a few days, and I will never do so again. It just hurts too much.

 

Isn't this one type of the closure you said was so important to you ? Her "no answer" is an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Whoknew30]

What you're saying makes complete sense. However, there some glaring facts here.

 

Montsan has been very adamant that he is in love and not infatuated.

While I don't agree with him, he knows better than anyone else what he is feeling. I don't live in his head after all.

 

I believe that Montsan does love his wife but not as much as he loves the German woman. This is based on his assertions that he is in love and not just having a crush. I also think that being in love with someone else while married and constantly thinking of another person is disrespectful and unhealthy.

 

 

I know quite a few men that are married that have the one that got away & still love them in a way. You can't help how you feel. How is a feeling disrespectful? Also there is no set rule to know everything about one's spouse, if your spouse has been true & loves you but does have a special place for someone in their past...it's really no one else's business, including their spouse's. IMO

[Montsan]

I know quite a few men that are married that have the one that got away & still love them in a way. You can't help how you feel. How is a feeling disrespectful? Also there is no set rule to know everything about one's spouse, if your spouse has been true & loves you but does have a special place for someone in their past...it's really no one else's business, including their spouse's. IMO

 

Thank you for that.

[Montsan]

Isn't this one type of the closure you said was so important to you ? Her "no answer" is an answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I suppose so. Not the closure I had hoped for.

[BettyDraper]

I know quite a few men that are married that have the one that got away & still love them in a way. You can't help how you feel. How is a feeling disrespectful? Also there is no set rule to know everything about one's spouse, if your spouse has been true & loves you but does have a special place for someone in their past...it's really no one else's business, including their spouse's. IMO

 

While I agree that spouses do not need to share every single thought, being in love with someone else while married to another person is certainly a serious matter. Monogamy and marriage is about forsaking all others.

A person cannot truly be engaged in their marriage if they are constantly pining for someone else.

 

If you're married, do you think your spouse would be fine with you obsessing over a past lover, referring to that lover as "the love of my life" and contacting them more than once? Why or why not?

 

It boggles my mind that some LS members can't see the difference between merely having a special place in one's heart for an ex and loving them more than their spouse. I'll always have a special place in my heart for the first man that I ever fell in love with. I lost my virginity to him and we shared a very traumatic experience. He even proposed to me. I don't spend my time constantly thinking of this man nor do I contact him. His mother once found me on Facebook and she told me that he was getting married. I simply sent my congratulations and went about my business. No need to reach out because we are both married and have no interest in getting back together.

 

Didn't you see Montsan's words about never loving anyone more than he loved the German woman? That is the part that does not sit well with me.I think Montsan is just infatuated but he is sure that he is in love.

[BettyDraper]

Well, it's been a week since I mailed my letter and there's been no reply. I had asked her to email me. The lack of a reply could mean one of several things.

 

 

1. She is away, which is a distinct possibility as there was no answer each time I called.

 

 

2. Wrong address, in which case I hope the letter is forwarded. Unlikely, though, as several sources listed the same address.

 

 

3. My letter somehow didn't make it.

 

 

4. Her husband intercepted the letter and didn't let her know.

 

 

5. She has read my letter and chooses not to respond.

 

 

With each passing day my hopes of ever hearing from her again get dimmer and dimmer. The most likely scenario is #5. If I never hear from her, then that's just the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. I'll assume that #5 is the case and I will not make any further attempts to try and contact her. I haven't loaded up her Facebook page in a few days, and I will never do so again. It just hurts too much.

 

Sorry that you didn't get the response you wanted. Now you can grieve your loss and slowly let go.

 

If you find that music helps you during hard times, listen to "Someone Like You" by Adele. If you like country music, "Burning House" by Cam is also a good break up song. I know you broke up with the German woman many years ago, but never receiving the closure you wanted is a fresh wound.

Edited January 27, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Whoknew30]

While I agree that spouses do not need to share every single thought, being in love with someone else while married to another person is certainly a serious matter. Monogamy and marriage is about forsaking all others.

A person cannot truly be engaged in their marriage if they are constantly pining for someone else.

 

If you're married, do you think your spouse would be fine with you obsessing over a past lover, referring to that lover as "the love of my life" and contacting them more than once? Why or why not?

 

It boggles my mind that some LS members can't see the difference between merely having a special place in one's heart for an ex and loving them more than their spouse. I'll always have a special place in my heart for the first man that I ever fell in love with. I lost my virginity to him and we shared a very traumatic experience. He even proposed to me. I don't spend my time constantly thinking of this man nor do I contact him. His mother once found me on Facebook and she told me that he was getting married. I simply sent my congratulations and went about my business. No need to reach out because we are both married and have no interest in getting back together.

 

Didn't you see Montsan's words about never loving anyone more than he loved the German woman? That is the part that does not sit well with me.I think Montsan is just infatuated but he is sure that he is in love.

 

Loving someone else doesn't mean that you haven't been monogamous. What about people that remarry after a spouse dies? They may love the person they're with but still think about the one they lost, probably everyday. There isn't a set standard of love or loss. Some people we lose from death, some from circumstances but a loss that one didn't want is still a loss, same as love, you may love someone forever that you never ended up with, doesn't mean you don't love the one you're with. One of my kids said something to me that will stand out forever (& gave me a different perspective) "it is your business what I do as my parent but it's never anyone business how I feel". It's kind of the same for any situation, someone can feel however they want, it's the actions they choose or not choose to do that is right or wrong. Telling someone they are wrong about their feelings really isn't anyone's place, especially if that person has choosen not to take a true action on it.

 

He may be infatuated but unless he crosses a serious boundary (which IMO isn't a how have you been letter) what does it matter? He hasn't hurt his wife & going by what he says he loves her & his actions (marrying her, having a family, being true to her) shohe has choosen to do right by her...so I'm not understanding the disrespectful part.

 

My H had a first love & I know he still somewhere holds a special place for & im sure has probably even questioned what life would have been like with her but his actions show me he loves me & chooses to be with me. IMO that's all that matters.

[thecharade]

I know this sounds like a sexist generalization and I apologize, but I have honestly witnessed this many, many times. Men see nothing inappropriate unless there is sex; women see the inappropriate looooong before--in the emotions and intentions.

 

Is that what is happening here?

 

I believe what Montsan is doing is an affair of the heart. If I was married to him, I would divorce him for his feelings and actions. Yuck. I would not tolerate this level of disrespect.

[BettyDraper]

Loving someone else doesn't mean that you haven't been monogamous. What about people that remarry after a spouse dies? They may love the person they're with but still think about the one they lost, probably everyday. There isn't a set standard of love or loss. Some people we lose from death, some from circumstances but a loss that one didn't want is still a loss, same as love, you may love someone forever that you never ended up with, doesn't mean you don't love the one you're with. One of my kids said something to me that will stand out forever (& gave me a different perspective) "it is your business what I do as my parent but it's never anyone business how I feel". It's kind of the same for any situation, someone can feel however they want, it's the actions they choose or not choose to do that is right or wrong. Telling someone they are wrong about their feelings really isn't anyone's place, especially if that person has choosen not to take a true action on it.

 

He may be infatuated but unless he crosses a serious boundary (which IMO isn't a how have you been letter) what does it matter? He hasn't hurt his wife & going by what he says he loves her & his actions (marrying her, having a family, being true to her) shohe has choosen to do right by her...so I'm not understanding the disrespectful part.

 

My H had a first love & I know he still somewhere holds a special place for & im sure has probably even questioned what life would have been like with her but his actions show me he loves me & chooses to be with me. IMO that's all that matters.

 

If you are in love with someone else while you are married, you have not fully embraced the choice to forsake all others. You may be faithful to your spouse but you have not fully given them your heart. Would you be okay with your husband pining for his first love, contacting her more than once and hiding those feelings and actions from you?

 

I don't doubt that a married person can cherish a lost loved one while still loving whom they have chosen for life. However, when a spouse says that the lost love is the most important or special, it devalues the love they are supposed to have for their current partner. When people choose to marry and have a monogamous marriage, it means that they reserve their true love for their spouse. Remarrying after a death or divorce is completely different from Montsan's situation.

 

Voluntarily sharing feelings with others comes with the risk of reactions to those emotions. Nobody forced Montsan to post about his issues on LS. Since this is an open forum, anyone can post responses to feelings even if they aren't in agreement with the OP. Just as someone can feel however they want, others are also free to react to shared feelings however they choose. The freedom to experience emotions and react to them goes both ways.

 

All of this is moot since Montsan seems like he has given up on receiving the closure he wants anyway.

[BettyDraper]

I know this sounds like a sexist generalization and I apologize, but I have honestly witnessed this many, many times. Men see nothing inappropriate unless there is sex; women see the inappropriate looooong before--in the emotions and intentions.

 

Is that what is happening here?

 

I believe what Montsan is doing is an affair of the heart. If I was married to him, I would divorce him for his feelings and actions. Yuck. I would not tolerate this level of disrespect.

 

I don't know...I don't think most husbands would be happy if their wives were in love with other men even if their wives never slept with the lost love.

 

I agree with you. I couldn't stay with my husband if he was in love with someone else..especially if I found out that the other woman was dominating his thoughts and he was aggressively trying to contact her.