carhill Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. You make a good point. Everyone has to decide how to deal with their own situation, especially in marriage. Sure, there are some things that you just don't tell your partner. However, I would limit that to things that are not controversial, trust issues or anything, that if known, could damage your relationship. I trust the OP in not telling his wife for his sake, but that's his choice, and not one that I would feel comfortable with. Because, if she knew about it, it "may" have an effect on the relationship. And, if she found out from a third party, even worst. If she asked how do my shoes look (and they were flat ugly), I might say, their ok, but not my favorite. If she asked my how she looked and was meeting others, I might be a bit more pragmatic, with the goal that perhaps she could do something to improve her appearance. Totally different when you're dealing with a member of the opposite sex, let alone an ex. Also, age has little to do with it, except more time for experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 24, 2016 Author Share Posted January 24, 2016 Thank you, carhill and OldRover.......... It would appear that those who have or are going through this sort of thing are the ones who truly understand what I'm going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Doublegold Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 (edited) Montsan your feelings remind me of the Movie "45 years" now playing... 45 Years*(2015) - Rotten Tomatoes Edited January 24, 2016 by Doublegold url Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 24, 2016 Share Posted January 24, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. Sneaking around behind your wife's back to contact some chick you think you're in love with is NOT protecting your wife from pain. It's deliberately causing it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Guys the OP's age have a lifetime of protecting their loved ones from the indignities of living and threats to their marriage, family, and existence. Men have been doing that for millennia. The OP, when he states he'll never tell his wife because he doesn't wish to hurt her means it in the same way he has kept other unpleasant life circumstances from his wife as that is part of his, and most men's, makeup. We compartmentalize. We absorb pain and shield our loved ones from it. It's instinctive. The same with doubt; the same with fear. It's a continuum. Yep, I get it; it's better to be open an honest. Well, he's been married 35 years. I trust him to know what works in his M, even if I might choose differently. Perhaps that's why he's married 35 years at nearly 70 and I'm divorced at 56. He gets it. Success is its own evidence. OP, if I'm talking out of turn here, let me know. You know yourself and your M best. Just because a marriage has lasted for many decades, it doesn't mean that the marriage is a happy union. A couple can live forever in quiet desperation or unhappiness. People often forget that women in Montsan's generation were taught to look the other way and tolerate anything from their husbands. How can Montsan say that he loves his wife yet he also says that another woman was the true love of his life? Sounds like Montsan settled for his wife to me. It's like husbands who have affairs yet keep their wives in the dark. Protecting their wives from the pain of discovery is not a loving action. It is about self preservation, rationalizing terrible actions and feeling entitled to a side piece. I don't expect my husband to never look at an attractive woman or never think about his exes. However, if my husband told me that he never loved anyone as much as he loved his ex, I would tell him to go find the woman he is so smitten with. I believe that if the shoes were on the other feet, Montsan and D Train would not be calm and understanding if their wives were being so disrespectful. Of course, I am open to being corrected as I could be wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 One, you are purely speculating about the OP's marriage. I'm going by what he's posted. I can quote the posts for you if you wish, then it'll get interesting. Two, the OP isn't having an affair with anyone. He hasn't even had any contact with another human being. He called a phone and received no response and has sent a letter and has received no response. Fishing expedition. No bite. Next. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 One, you are purely speculating about the OP's marriage. I'm going by what he's posted. I can quote the posts for you if you wish, then it'll get interesting. Two, the OP isn't having an affair with anyone. He hasn't even had any contact with another human being. He called a phone and received no response and has sent a letter and has received no response. Fishing expedition. No bite. Next. The OP clearly stated that he never loved another woman as much as he loved the German woman. I was responding to your erroneous comment about the success of a marriage being based on how long it has lasted. I also did not say that the OP was having an affair. If you read the post before responding, you would have seen that I used keeping an affair a secret as an example of why deception is not as noble as you are trying to pretend it is. No need for me to fish because I am confident in my beliefs. It is extremely simplistic and naive to think that if a couple stays married, it automatically means that they must be happy together. At your age, I would think that you have experienced enough to know that couples stay together for many reasons which have nothing to do with love. If you want to justify and rationalize the OP's actions, you are free to do so but I am not going to take the same position. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 From what I have seen on LS, when posters are asked very direct questions like, "How would you feel if your wife was doing what you are doing?" and they avoid and do not answer, they are in strong fantasy and denial. Only reality can burst that bubble. Reality will show you what is true and right, Montsan. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 I didn't know I was required to answer questions. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) I didn't know I was required to answer questions. Great point. You are not required to answer questions at all. It's just natural for others to ask questions about your situation given that this is an online conversation. For some reason, acknowledging that your wife would not be happy with your admissions is distressing for you. Only you know for sure why that is....I'm guessing that is probably your conscience. The other piece of this puzzle is your constant defensiveness. People only become defensive when they know they are wrong and someone has struck a nerve. If you were fine with being "in love" with someone else while you are married, there would be no need for anger as well as validation. Edited January 25, 2016 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Yeah, well, I'm sorry that you and some others here find this to be upsetting. Fortunately for you, you don't have to go through what I am going through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Thank you, carhill and OldRover.......... It would appear that those who have or are going through this sort of thing are the ones who truly understand what I'm going through. Monstan, Thanks for sharing your story. I have skimmed through most of it, but I think I have the story mostly. You are happily married, but you have sent a letter to someone 30 or 35 years from your past that you fell madly in love with. I don't see a problem with reaching out. I do wonder why now, after all these years, you felt the need bad enough to search for her? Was it just a feeling you had? I do feel that sometimes I think of someone at the exact moment they might be thinking about me. I called my mom on the morning she died, I believe I called her at the exact time she was passing (heart attack/sudden). I got a call from the police about 30 minutes after I left her a message on her answering machine. Years later, I was trying to contact my mom's brother. I had called a couple times over the past two weeks. I could not reach him. One day, I called my sister-in-law to tell her I was concerned and she was a bit freaked out. Apparently, his neighbor had just called them to tell them that my uncle was very sick and had been for weeks. They called an ambulance to take him to the hospital, he died the next day. Sometimes, you need to listen to the little voice in your head, sometimes its nothing, but sometimes it really is trying to tell you something. This could be the making of a good movie. I do hope you continue to come back and post and let us know if you get any response to your letter. I don't think that you are trying to rekindle a romance from the past. I can see wanting to find out how someone from your past was doing. I do hope she responds. Thanks again for sharing your story. Have you considered sending her a friend request on facebook? You may have already covered that and I missed it. Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) One, you are purely speculating about the OP's marriage. I'm going by what he's posted. I can quote the posts for you if you wish, then it'll get interesting. Two, the OP isn't having an affair with anyone. He hasn't even had any contact with another human being. He called a phone and received no response and has sent a letter and has received no response. Fishing expedition. No bite. Next. Did you read what you wrote and really think about it? This is a man who claims he is "truly" in love with a woman who is NOT his wife. He has further, without his wife's knowledge or consent, attempted to contact this woman. For most spouses, the lie by omission about feelings for another person combined with secretive attempts to contact said other person would be extremely upsetting if not enough of a betrayal to warrant divorce lawyers getting involved. In other words, him going fishing was a betrayal, no matter if he actually caught anything. If Montsan has the balls to contact some woman he knew for a week decades ago, maybe he should find the balls to tell his wife the whole story. Including that he considers this other woman the love of his life and that he has recently tried to contact her. If Montsan was 30 instead of much older, claimed to be in love with someone not his wife, claimed that someone was the love of his life, and said he was trying to contact her on the DL to "protect his wife's feelings"...well, I have a feeling responses would be very different. Edited January 25, 2016 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 If Montsan was 30 instead of much older, claimed to be in love with someone not his wife, claimed that someone was the love of his life, and said he was trying to contact her on the DL to "protect his wife's feelings"...well, I have a feeling responses would be very different. Of course . . . because he'd have most of his adult life ahead of him, there would be less of a history to protect. While the OP may be taking a risk that his actions will generate more drama than he's prepared to deal with, I think there is at least an equal, but probably greater, chance that, to borrow carhill's analogy, this is an empty fishing expedition. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Did you read what you wrote and really think about it? This is a man who claims he is "truly" in love with a woman who is NOT his wife. He has further, without his wife's knowledge or consent, attempted to contact this woman. For most spouses, the lie by omission about feelings for another person combined with secretive attempts to contact said other person would be extremely upsetting if not enough of a betrayal to warrant divorce lawyers getting involved. In other words, him going fishing was a betrayal, no matter if he actually caught anything. If Montsan has the balls to contact some woman he knew for a week decades ago, maybe he should find the balls to tell his wife the whole story. Including that he considers this other woman the love of his life and that he has recently tried to contact her. If Montsan was 30 instead of much older, claimed to be in love with someone not his wife, claimed that someone was the love of his life, and said he was trying to contact her on the DL to "protect his wife's feelings"...well, I have a feeling responses would be very different. I agree with this post. Montsan isn't just catching up with an old friend; he is in love with her which is entirely different. It's amazing how people see the words that they want to read rather than being mindful of what is truly being said. One question I have is why would the responses be any different if Montsan was 30? It's still a betrayal at any age and 30 is old enough to know right from wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 (edited) Of course . . . because he'd have most of his adult life ahead of him, there would be less of a history to protect. While the OP may be taking a risk that his actions will generate more drama than he's prepared to deal with, I think there is at least an equal, but probably greater, chance that, to borrow carhill's analogy, this is an empty fishing expedition. Oh, so it's ok to lie to and betray your spouse by contacting someone you are in love with if A) you have history to protect and B) the other woman isn't going to respond. Gotcha. Never mind he could have avoided even the possibility of drama if he simply stopped obsessing about a woman not his wife and refrained from trying to contact said woman. @BettyDraper See above re: the age making a difference. Edited January 25, 2016 by MJJean Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Age makes NO difference. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 A lie is a lie is a betrayal. If someone is old enough to marry, he is old enough to be respectful of that commitment. I don't expect married people to never fantasize about anyone else but not to the extent of pining for others and being in love with them. Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Oh, so it's ok to lie to and betray your spouse by contacting someone you are in love with if A) you have history to protect and B) the other woman isn't going to respond. Gotcha. Never mind he could have avoided even the possibility of drama if he simply stopped obsessing about a woman not his wife and refrained from trying to contact said woman. Personally, as far as betrayal goes, I don't think the fish-or-cut-bait point arrives until he receives a reply. Then, if he continues on with her behind his wife's back, I will agree that there is a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Personally, as far as betrayal goes, I don't think the fish-or-cut-bait point arrives until he receives a reply. Then, if he continues on with her behind his wife's back, I will agree that there is a problem. Do you think it is a problem that Montsan considers another woman to be the love of his life? Link to post Share on other sites
GoodOnPaper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Do you think it is a problem that Montsan considers another woman to be the love of his life? Not necessarily. Circumstances, timing, and luck play huge roles in determining not only who we have relationships with but the way those relationships come together. When we're young, we can afford to have the head/heart mix be virtually 100% heart (or infatuation). It feels amazing but later when real life starts to catch up with us, it's not surprising if there is at least a little less infatuation involved when a man makes a decision to commit to an LTR or marriage. I sense that here. It doesn't mean that the OP doesn't love his wife a lot. It doesn't mean that he devalues or disrespects the life he has built with his wife and family. Also, keep in mind that even if he reconnects with this other woman, circumstances and timing are now very different -- that alone could very well dampen the infatuation he currently associates with her in his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 25, 2016 Share Posted January 25, 2016 Not necessarily. Circumstances, timing, and luck play huge roles in determining not only who we have relationships with but the way those relationships come together. When we're young, we can afford to have the head/heart mix be virtually 100% heart (or infatuation). It feels amazing but later when real life starts to catch up with us, it's not surprising if there is at least a little less infatuation involved when a man makes a decision to commit to an LTR or marriage. I sense that here. It doesn't mean that the OP doesn't love his wife a lot. It doesn't mean that he devalues or disrespects the life he has built with his wife and family. Also, keep in mind that even if he reconnects with this other woman, circumstances and timing are now very different -- that alone could very well dampen the infatuation he currently associates with her in his mind. What you're saying makes complete sense. However, there some glaring facts here. Montsan has been very adamant that he is in love and not infatuated. While I don't agree with him, he knows better than anyone else what he is feeling. I don't live in his head after all. I believe that Montsan does love his wife but not as much as he loves the German woman. This is based on his assertions that he is in love and not just having a crush. I also think that being in love with someone else while married and constantly thinking of another person is disrespectful and unhealthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 25, 2016 Author Share Posted January 25, 2016 Funny thing. Well, not so funny, really. Over two years ago I received an email from a girl with whom I had once had a passionate relationship. In it, she said she knew our paths would once again cross someday and, "I would love to catch up if you are so inclined." I checked to see if she was on FB, which she was, and saw that she was married. I chose not to reply to her email. I saw no need to give her any false hope if she still felt something for me. I now understand how she must have felt, so I recently replied to her email. I have not received a reply so I don't know if she no longer uses that particular email account or if she also decided not to reply. I also see that her FB page no longer exists. So, I don't know what's going on there. I have no desire to rekindle anything with this girl, it's just that, like me, she might just like to hear from someone she once very much cared for. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 26, 2016 Share Posted January 26, 2016 You love your wife. You're in love with the German gal. Now you've also sent a message to the old flame. Why are you seeking an ego feed so much right now that you want some other women to respond to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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