Unrequited Love

[thecharade]

You are right, Betty. I guess I mean that I have known plenty of MM who were obsessing about other women and thought it was fine. They were buying them gifts, having long chats, sharing emotions--everything! When I called them on it, they always said, "Stop! I haven't done anything wrong!"

 

Their wives do the same to them???

Heck, no! They would have thought it was betrayal!

 

Why is that?

Edited January 27, 2016 by thecharade

[BettyDraper]

You are right, Betty. I guess I mean that I have known plenty of MM who were obsessing about other women and thought it was fine. They were buying them gifts, having long chats, sharing emotions--everything! When I called them on it, they always said, "Stop! I haven't done anything wrong!"

 

Their wives do the same to them???

Heck, no! They would have thought it was betrayal!

 

Why is that?

 

The only reason I can think of is many people live by double standards. They think they are above reproach but others are not.

This way of thinking is not exclusive to men or women.

[OldRover]

It's interesting how a few condemn Montsan and never stop. Double standards, above reproach, betrayal, wrong, divorce him, innappropriate etc. etc.

 

We should not be so eagar to condemn, but offer him the support he can here to get. That's just one of the problems of Forums like this (and this one is not exclusive of unfairly condemning people, some are worse).

 

At this time, he has done nothing wrong. Sure, we can offer a few polite warnings of what "could" happen. But to hang him before he's even thought about a crime is ridiculous.

 

HIS feelings count.

[BettyDraper]

It's interesting how a few condemn Montsan and never stop. Double standards, above reproach, betrayal, wrong, divorce him, innappropriate etc. etc.

 

We should not be so eagar to condemn, but offer him the support he can here to get. That's just one of the problems of Forums like this (and this one is not exclusive of unfairly condemning people, some are worse).

 

At this time, he has done nothing wrong. Sure, we can offer a few polite warnings of what "could" happen. But to hang him before he's even thought about a crime is ridiculous.

 

HIS feelings count.

 

Why should we support actions that we deem to be wrong?

I think it is awful for a married person to be in love with someone other than their spouse and reach out to that person more than once.

 

Just as you believe that "hanging" Montsan is ridiculous, there are some who think that his actions are equally ludicrous and destructive. You clearly think that Montsan's actions are fine but others have a different opinion which they are free to express. If it bothers you so much to read posts written by those who don't think Montsan is right, you can block those members or choose not to read the thread.

That's why I do when certain members annoy me. I wouldn't dream of policing their posts as I am not a moderator and that isn't my place.

 

One thing I've learned about online forums is that members will not mince words to spare an OP's feelings.

Edited January 27, 2016 by BettyDraper

[OldRover]

Why should we support actions that we deem to be wrong?

I think it is awful for a married person to be in love with someone other than their spouse and reach out to that person more than once.

 

Just as you believe that "hanging" Montsan is ridiculous, there are some who think that his actions are equally ludicrous and destructive. You clearly think that Montsan's actions are fine but others have a different opinion which they are free to express. If it bothers you so much to read posts written by those who don't think Montsan is right, you can block those members or choose not to read the thread.

That's why I do when certain members annoy me. I wouldn't dream of policing their posts as I am not a moderator and that isn't my place.

 

One thing I've learned about online forums is that members will not mince words to spare an OP's feelings.

 

Betty,

You are not wrong in "your mind", but others may not feel the same. I was just suggesting that we give him the support that he came here for. The negative comments have been well noted.

 

It just bothers me that too often people want to throw the poster under the bus, with no other options, and they barely know the person. Any usually quite violently.... you MUST, you CANT, you're WRONG, etc.

 

Montsan has clearly indicated that he's had enough of the negative comments, but they keep coming and coming..... That ain't gonna help him.

 

He has also said that he has no intention of leaving his wife, or that he isn't happily married and happy with his present situation.

 

He has feelings, and perhaps he can bring them to an end, and that would probably be the best outcome. Yes, one can have two loves, happens all the time. Sure, with only a week, it's not a deep long term love, but more of a short term but very vivid love for him.

 

I like to let him bring this to and end without all the negative, and then see the comments.

[Montsan]

Thank you for understanding, Rover.

 

 

I posted my story as a means of therapy. I just had to write down all that was troubling me and share it with others. I just couldn't stand harboring all of this alone. I didn't do this to necessarily look for sympathy or advice. Thank you all for commenting. This experience has been very helpful and therapeutic for me.

 

 

Well, it's all over now.

[OldRover]

Thank you for understanding, Rover.

 

 

I posted my story as a means of therapy. I just had to write down all that was troubling me and share it with others. I just couldn't stand harboring all of this alone. I didn't do this to necessarily look for sympathy or advice. Thank you all for commenting. This experience has been very helpful and therapeutic for me.

 

 

Well, it's all over now.

 

Good for you, Montsan.... hope to see you post here in the future, perhaps we can learn from you.

[carhill]

OP, what I would suggest is accepting your sending of the letter to be your act of closure. It is the one act you had complete control over, you made a choice and acted. It is done.

 

In the case I outlined, even though I did get a response, I wasn't expecting one. The act of sending was my final act and, in a very real sense, when the phone rang, I was taken so much by surprise I really lacked good words to speak.

 

We each have our results and we have full control of how we process those results. Your choices are your power. If you must, like that line in the movie, OK, put the secret away and move on in life. That lady at your side right now will likely be the one holding your hand when you die and, in my book, that's a pretty profound thing in life. Good luck!

[MJJean]

It's interesting how a few condemn Montsan and never stop. Double standards, above reproach, betrayal, wrong, divorce him, innappropriate etc. etc.

 

We should not be so eagar to condemn, but offer him the support he can here to get. That's just one of the problems of Forums like this (and this one is not exclusive of unfairly condemning people, some are worse).

 

At this time, he has done nothing wrong. Sure, we can offer a few polite warnings of what "could" happen. But to hang him before he's even thought about a crime is ridiculous.

 

HIS feelings count.

 

So, I man claiming he loves (current, not past tense) a woman he knew for a week, decades ago, and hasn't had contact with since is NOT ridiculous, but condemning him for betraying his wife of something like 30 years IS ridiculous?

 

Yes, he has done something wrong. Secretly contacting someone you claim to be in love with behind your spouses back is wrong. Period. No grey area.

 

Certainly, his feelings count. But feelings aren't an excuse to betray your spouse and marital vows. Otherwise, everyone having an affair or trying to have an affair, PA or EA, gets a pass because feelings.

 

If his feelings are strong enough to warrant betraying his wife, why aren't they strong enough to warrant him taking responsibility for how he feels by being honest with his wife?

 

Oh wait. Never mind. If he was honest about how he feels and what he did about it, his wife might get hurt and angry. She may even decide to leave him or to stop doing what she does to make his life comfortable. Can't have that.

[Whoknew30]

If you are in love with someone else while you are married, you have not fully embraced the choice to forsake all others. You may be faithful to your spouse but you have not fully given them your heart. Would you be okay with your husband pining for his first love, contacting her more than once and hiding those feelings and actions from you?

 

I don't doubt that a married person can cherish a lost loved one while still loving whom they have chosen for life. However, when a spouse says that the lost love is the most important or special, it devalues the love they are supposed to have for their current partner. When people choose to marry and have a monogamous marriage, it means that they reserve their true love for their spouse. Remarrying after a death or divorce is completely different from Montsan's situation.

 

Voluntarily sharing feelings with others comes with the risk of reactions to those emotions. Nobody forced Montsan to post about his issues on LS. Since this is an open forum, anyone can post responses to feelings even if they aren't in agreement with the OP. Just as someone can feel however they want, others are also free to react to shared feelings however they choose. The freedom to experience emotions and react to them goes both ways.

 

All of this is moot since Montsan seems like he has given up on receiving the closure he wants anyway.

 

 

The reality is, not everyone will be able to marry (or stay married...for whatever reason) with what they feel is their true love. It just is what it is, every love is different & how a spouse feels is none of the other spouse's business unless the person feels that way wants to talk about it. You don't "choose" what emotion you feel, the choice part, is how you deal with it.

 

Husbands check women out all the time & think I'd like to have sex with her...should they call up their wives & say...I saw a woman I'd like to have sex with, if they have no intention to really do so? Feelings are one's own & people are entitled (even in marriage) to not have to talk about something they don't want to.

[Whoknew30]

So, I man claiming he loves (current, not past tense) a woman he knew for a week, decades ago, and hasn't had contact with since is NOT ridiculous, but condemning him for betraying his wife of something like 30 years IS ridiculous?

 

Yes, he has done something wrong. Secretly contacting someone you claim to be in love with behind your spouses back is wrong. Period. No grey area.

 

Certainly, his feelings count. But feelings aren't an excuse to betray your spouse and marital vows. Otherwise, everyone having an affair or trying to have an affair, PA or EA, gets a pass because feelings.

 

If his feelings are strong enough to warrant betraying his wife, why aren't they strong enough to warrant him taking responsibility for how he feels by being honest with his wife?

 

Oh wait. Never mind. If he was honest about how he feels and what he did about it, his wife might get hurt and angry. She may even decide to leave him or to stop doing what she does to make his life comfortable. Can't have that.

 

 

He contacted someone he cared for in his past to see how her life went. I really don't understand the divorce talk & what he did in the same post. What would a wife tell everyone, my h fell I love years ago, it didn't work out. We met got married, he never cheated on me but he wrote a letter to this woman 30 years later to see how she is & now I'm going to divorce him.

 

A bit over reactive don't you think?

[MJJean]

The reality is, not everyone will be able to marry (or stay married...for whatever reason) with what they feel is their true love. It just is what it is, every love is different & how a spouse feels is none of the other spouse's business unless the person feels that way wants to talk about it. You don't "choose" what emotion you feel, the choice part, is how you deal with it.

 

Husbands check women out all the time & think I'd like to have sex with her...should they call up their wives & say...I saw a woman I'd like to have sex with, if they have no intention to really do so? Feelings are one's own & people are entitled (even in marriage) to not have to talk about something they don't want to.

 

If one is unable to marry the love of their lives, well, it happens. BUT, I think that person has an obligation to inform their SO BEFORE marriage, that someone else is the love of their lives. If the SO is willing to accept being second fiddle, fine. As long as they were given all the information necessary to make that decision.

 

There is a very big difference between a man or woman seeing someone on the street they find sexually appealing and fantasize momentarily about screwing and someone who actually initiates personal contact.

 

This isn't a man who had a passing thought he never acted on. This is a man who actually acted. He personally contacted this woman.

 

He contacted someone he cared for in his past to see how her life went. I really don't understand the divorce talk & what he did in the same post. What would a wife tell everyone, my h fell I love years ago, it didn't work out. We met got married, he never cheated on me but he wrote a letter to this woman 30 years later to see how she is & now I'm going to divorce him.

 

A bit over reactive don't you think?

 

If my husband tells me he wants to look up his ex and see how she's doing, fine. In fact, he's done that very thing. A quick internet search and a "Huh, she certainly changed! Never thought she'd..." and that's been the end of it. Curiosity about someone you used to know.

 

What this man did was nothing short of betrayal. He didn't inform his wife that this woman is "the love of his life". He concealed from his wife the fact that he looked her up and the fact that he tried multiple ways to contact her. Why? Because he knew she'd be hurt and angry. He was "protecting her", dontcha know! Never mind the way to protect her would have been not to contact the OW.

 

He knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise he would have done it out in the open. And, further, knowing what he was doing was wrong, he decided to do it anyways.

 

That's the betrayal. That's the reason to consider leaving. Not because he feels the way he does or even that he contacted the other woman, but because he concealed it, was sneaky and secretive about it, because he broke trust.

 

And, frankly, if my DH told me I wasn't the love of his life after 30 YEARS, then tried contacting the love of his life behind my back? Aww, hell no! I'd tell him he is more than welcome to pack his stuff and hop a flight. At that point, I already wasted 30 years of my finite life on someone who is in love with someone else and is a sneaky untrustworthy bast*rd, to boot. I don't need to waste 31.

[Whoknew30]

If one is unable to marry the love of their lives, well, it happens. BUT, I think that person has an obligation to inform their SO BEFORE marriage, that someone else is the love of their lives. If the SO is willing to accept being second fiddle, fine. As long as they were given all the information necessary to make that decision.

 

There is a very big difference between a man or woman seeing someone on the street they find sexually appealing and fantasize momentarily about screwing and someone who actually initiates personal contact.

 

This isn't a man who had a passing thought he never acted on. This is a man who actually acted. He personally contacted this woman.

 

 

 

If my husband tells me he wants to look up his ex and see how she's doing, fine. In fact, he's done that very thing. A quick internet search and a "Huh, she certainly changed! Never thought she'd..." and that's been the end of it. Curiosity about someone you used to know.

 

What this man did was nothing short of betrayal. He didn't inform his wife that this woman is "the love of his life". He concealed from his wife the fact that he looked her up and the fact that he tried multiple ways to contact her. Why? Because he knew she'd be hurt and angry. He was "protecting her", dontcha know! Never mind the way to protect her would have been not to contact the OW.

 

He knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise he would have done it out in the open. And, further, knowing what he was doing was wrong, he decided to do it anyways.

 

That's the betrayal. That's the reason to consider leaving. Not because he feels the way he does or even that he contacted the other woman, but because he concealed it, was sneaky and secretive about it, because he broke trust.

 

And, frankly, if my DH told me I wasn't the love of his life after 30 YEARS, then tried contacting the love of his life behind my back? Aww, hell no! I'd tell him he is more than welcome to pack his stuff and hop a flight. At that point, I already wasted 30 years of my finite life on someone who is in love with someone else and is a sneaky untrustworthy bast*rd, to boot. I don't need to waste 31.

 

 

First, you're not obligated to talk about anything from your past, that you don't want to...unless you have a disease you can pass on. What a spouse felt for someone in their past, is non of the other's spouses business. They had a life before you & are entitled to that. Marriage is not a ownership of someone's thoughts & feelings. If someone marries you,loves you, & is good & true to you that's all you need to know.

 

He didn't tell his wife bc he's done nothing wrong. Sending a email that asks how you're doing IMO is not a big deal. Could it lead to something, maybe but so can a smile on the street. I don't go by assuming or maybe this or that...I go by facts & fact is he hasn't done anything to be threatened with divorce.

Edited January 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted insult ~6

[BettyDraper]

The reality is, not everyone will be able to marry (or stay married...for whatever reason) with what they feel is their true love. It just is what it is, every love is different & how a spouse feels is none of the other spouse's business unless the person feels that way wants to talk about it. You don't "choose" what emotion you feel, the choice part, is how you deal with it.

 

Husbands check women out all the time & think I'd like to have sex with her...should they call up their wives & say...I saw a woman I'd like to have sex with, if they have no intention to really do so? Feelings are one's own & people are entitled (even in marriage) to not have to talk about something they don't want to.

 

A husband checking out another woman is not nearly the same as being in love with a woman other than his wife. I'm surprised that you would put the two in the same category.

 

I concur that spouses do not need to share every little emotion. However, I think a spouse has the right to know if his or her partner is in love with someone else. Part of marriage is being honest about strong emotions that can affect the union. Passing lust is completely different from being in love with someone else. People may be entitled not to talk about certain subjects but that is also a defensive way of thinking for those who know they are doing something wrong.

 

I would want to know if my husband is in love with another woman, so that I can make a decision about whether or not I can stay with my husband.

 

I suppose you and I will have to agree to disagree.

[BettyDraper]

He contacted someone he cared for in his past to see how her life went. I really don't understand the divorce talk & what he did in the same post. What would a wife tell everyone, my h fell I love years ago, it didn't work out. We met got married, he never cheated on me but he wrote a letter to this woman 30 years later to see how she is & now I'm going to divorce him.

 

A bit over reactive don't you think?

 

Not overreacting because Montsan is in love with the woman he contacted more than once.

[BettyDraper]

First, you're not obligated to talk about anything from your past, that you don't want to...unless you have a disease you can pass on. What a spouse felt for someone in their past, is non of the other's spouses business. They had a life before you & are entitled to that. Marriage is not a ownership of someone's thoughts & feelings. If someone marries you,loves you, & is good & true to you that's all you need to know.

 

He didn't tell his wife bc he's done nothing wrong. Sending a email that asks how you're doing IMO is not a big deal. Could it lead to something, maybe but so can a smile on the street. I don't go by assuming or maybe this or that...I go by facts & fact is he hasn't done anything to be threatened with divorce.

 

 

You can keep repeating that a spouse's feelings are nobody's business but other LS members are not going to change their opposing opinions.

 

Nobody has said that a spouse should not have a life before marriage. Marrying one person but being in love with someone else is disingenuous. Just because you would be fine with your husband contacting a woman he loves more than you, it doesn't mean that other wives are required to have the same viewpoint. Montsan has repeated that he never loved anyone more than the German woman.

 

For someone who talks about freedom of emotions and privacy, you're pretty dogmatic about others having emotions towards a situation that are different from yours. The irony is breathtaking.

Edited January 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Whoknew30]

You can keep repeating that a spouse's feelings are nobody's business but other LS members are not going to change their opposing opinions.

 

Nobody has said that a spouse should not have a life before marriage. Marrying one person but being in love with someone else is disingenuous. Just because you would be fine with your husband contacting a woman he loves more than you, it doesn't mean that other wives are required to have the same viewpoint. Montsan has repeated that he never loved anyone more than the German woman.

 

For someone who talks about freedom of emotions and privacy, you're pretty dogmatic about others having emotions towards a situation that are different from yours. The irony is breathtaking.

 

i think the irony is coming on a forum & saying someone's opinion than their own is irony (that's what a forum is for, different opinions) & then assuming I was trying to change anyone's opinion. Mine was actually a different view from most wives. No, not all wives feel that they own all their H emotions or feelings or would divorce over a email after 30 years.

 

Also you can keep repeating other wives. You can only speak for yourself, not others.

Edited January 29, 2016 by Whoknew30
Spell check

[Montsan]

I was looking at the list of trending searches on Yahoo, and I clicked on Lauren Graham just to see who she is. She looks so much like my German girl did, except that my German girl had reddish auburn hair cut shorter.

 

 

Same eyes, same mouth, same lines at the corners of her mouth which I thought were so sexy.

 

 

[ShatteredLady]

I'd never heard the name but I recognized her when I looked. Very interesting face. I can't remember what I've seen her in but I think of her as 'soft' & 'cute'. I wasn't picturing the 'German girl' like that.

 

Thank you. I always find it interesting what others consider beautiful/handsome. Do you think you would find that actress attractive if you'd never known the German lady? Is she your 'type' or has your type been effected by your experiences?

 

What actress/celebrity does your wife most look like?

 

My best friend is a man. I've known him most of my life. It's fascinating how his ideal 'type' of woman changes with his relationships & age. He's gone from short, shapely, blondes too REALLY tall, skinny ladies.

[Montsan]

Yes, I would have definitely found that actress beautiful even if I hadn't met my German girl, who, as I have said, look strikingly alike.

 

 

What does my wife look like? She was very beautiful, too. She has the largest, friendliest blue eyes with long dark brown hair tumbling down her shoulders and back in a Loretta Lynn type affair. A very light complexion with rosy cheeks and an absolutely beautiful smile. I can't think of any celebrity my wife resembles. She is totally unique. She used to turn a lot of heads.

 

 

For anyone interested, I have calmed down quite a bit since the shock of seeing my German girl, and I have put her back deep in the recesses of my memories where she has been all these years. And, yes, I do love my wife very much.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, I would have definitely found that actress beautiful even if I hadn't met my German girl, who, as I have said, look strikingly alike.

 

 

What does my wife look like? She was very beautiful, too. She has the largest, friendliest blue eyes with long dark brown hair tumbling down her shoulders and back in a Loretta Lynn type affair. A very light complexion with rosy cheeks and an absolutely beautiful smile. I can't think of any celebrity my wife resembles. She is totally unique. She used to turn a lot of heads.

 

 

For anyone interested, I have calmed down quite a bit since the shock of seeing my German girl, and I have put her back deep in the recesses of my memories where she has been all these years. And, yes, I do love my wife very much.

 

Good for you! I'm happy to read this. Take that love you have for your wife and nurture it as much as possible.

[carhill]

Haven't read the thread in awhile; happy to read that you worked things out OP and can now move forward.