Unrequited Love

[BettyDraper]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

 

Maybe there is a problem in your marriage that you're not willing to acknowledge.

 

Do you think that you love the German woman more than your wife?

 

What you think is love is just limerence. You cannot truly love someone after knowing them for only a week.

[minimariah]

...I am not a hopeless romantic.

 

but don't you think pining away for someone you knew 30+ years ago (for a WEEK) & considering them the love of your life IS hopelessly romantic?

 

I can't help what I feel and all of the counseling and rationalizing in the world isn't going to change that.

 

no one here is trying to change your opinion, feelings or thoughts - we're just trying to understand you & break everything down -- one piece at a time... but you're unwilling to dig deeper.

[BettyDraper]

Yes, I've been fluctuating. I'll go...o.k. I'm o.k. now. I've rationalized it. I'll be better. ................then it will hit me. Not! I bring up her FB page and I'm right back there again.

 

 

I am not naïve, I am not impetuous, and I am not a hopeless romantic. I've had more relationships with women ranging from one night stands to a week, to a couple weeks, to a couple months than I'll ever be able to remember. She is the only girl I ever really fell in love with. I had never been in love until I met her. I have been very fond of a lot of girls, but never head over heels in love. I can't help what I feel and all of the counseling and rationalizing in the world isn't going to change that.

 

So you weren't in love with your wife then? Wow. Looks like it is time to leave your wife and follow your heart.

 

It is only fair to your wife to be with someone who truly loves her.

[OldRover]

So you weren't in love with your wife then? Wow. Looks like it is time to leave your wife and follow your heart.

 

It is only fair to your wife to be with someone who truly loves her.

 

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

[BettyDraper]

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

 

Montsan won't answer any questions about what is going on in his marriage though. He has also said about the German: "She's the only one I ever fell in love with. I had never been in love until I met her." I think Montsan includes his wife in the women he never really loved but I don't know.

 

I believe that when someone makes the choice to marry, he wants to love his wife for the rest of his life. Unforeseen circumstances can occur but most people do not get married just to get divorced. We all notice attractive people and think about past loves. It becomes unhealthy when thoughts of others consume our minds when we are married.

 

As for being harsh, Montsan's lack of respect for his marriage is disturbing. He hardly talks about his wife or children in this thread because he is too busy pining for the German woman. I don't think that he's being realistic or fair to himself or his wife. What would have happened if Montsan's wife found out that he called this woman or she found the letter he wrote? The potential consequences are why I think that harshness is necessary.

Edited January 18, 2016 by BettyDraper

[whichwayisup]

Betty,

 

I feel that you're a bit harsh. He's not going to leave a 30 yr marriage because of a great time for one week, regardless how strong he feel...... UNLESS, there's something seriously wrong with his marriage.

 

As for "someone who truly loves her"...... do you think the OP doesn't truly love his wife? Or is it "somewhat" truly? Or does anyone ever get someone to "truly" love them? All pretty debatable.

 

If he truly valued his marriage and truly loved his wife he would realize that what he feels for his past flame is based on fantasy and memories from over 30 years ago. She isn't the same person and he isn't the same person. Life experiences changes people as well as kids and being a spouse.

[whichwayisup]

Does there have to be a real issue? Maybe the real issue is that I have simply been in love with this girl for most of my life.

 

Don't you think your wife has the right to know the man she married is in love with someone else? If you really do feel this way then your whole marriage has been a lie. Not saying you don't love your wife, I'm sure you do, but not in the same way you do for german woman. Then again, how much of this is fantasy and a big build up in your head? The brain is pretty powerful to fill in the gaps, reality is, it probably isn't as intense as you've made it to be. Plus you've implied it's one sided (unrequited) so that means she doesn't feel the same towards you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am not naïve, I am not impetuous, and I am not a hopeless romantic.

 

You're certainly not a romantic but you may qualify as hopeless.

 

I wonder what advice you've give one of your adult children in this situation were they to tell you of their determination to undermine the future by longing for the past? What would your marriage be like were you to invest this emotional energy in the relationship?

 

You're wasting more than time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

Don't you think your wife has the right to know the man she married is in love with someone else? .

 

Precisely. That is the issue here. Whatever does or does not happen with the German lady, the most important issue is where it leaves your wife and your marriage. I think she at least needs to know where she stands - right now a clear second in your heart. I really feel for her

[Montsan]

Well, all I can say is that I am in a highly charged emotional state right now, and I've been writing down my thoughts as they come to me. If there are inconsistencies, I certainly don't have to worry about them as there are people here who are only too happy to point out them out to me.

 

 

My main purpose here was to simply get my thoughts written down and to share my story. It makes me feel a bit better to have done so.

 

 

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

 

And, yes, I do love my wife. She has been the ultimate wife and mother, and our children have grown up in a secure, loving home. How can I say that when I've proclaimed my love for my German girl? It's complicated.

 

 

I think I've pretty much gotten everything off my chest, and I thank everyone for listening and offering your views.

 

 

No, OldRover is not me.

 

 

bye

[BettyDraper]

Well, all I can say is that I am in a highly charged emotional state right now, and I've been writing down my thoughts as they come to me. If there are inconsistencies, I certainly don't have to worry about them as there are people here who are only too happy to point out them out to me.

 

 

My main purpose here was to simply get my thoughts written down and to share my story. It makes me feel a bit better to have done so.

 

 

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

 

And, yes, I do love my wife. She has been the ultimate wife and mother, and our children have grown up in a secure, loving home. How can I say that when I've proclaimed my love for my German girl? It's complicated.

 

 

I think I've pretty much gotten everything off my chest, and I thank everyone for listening and offering your views.

 

 

No, OldRover is not me.

 

 

bye

 

Goodbye Montsan. I hope that you come to appreciate what you have rather than risking a ruined marriage over someone from decades ago.

 

I didn't think that OldRover was you. I think he was just defending you.

How anyone can defend your behavior is beyond me since it is completely inappropriate and more than a little bit pathological.

[OldRover]

We all have our opinions and sure, they differ. That's part of life. Sometimes we get pretty critical, and one has to sort through the good and the not so good advise.

 

Overall, Montsan's situation is not exclusive, as many have similar situations, and he simple was looking for some answers.

 

I'm betting that he will keep his wife informed and life will go on, and he will find some solution or closure to his German lady. Yes, there is some risk, but I'd bet it's very small. And if I'm wrong and he ends up in a "German" affair, I'll eat crow.

 

I defend him because I have been there, and have been able to deal with it without issue. I have kept my wife or SO in the loop, but not necessarily at the first thought or contact. Just worked well for me.

 

So be it.

[The D Train]

Funny thing. We had incredible sex. We did it from every position imaginable and then some, and then we regressed to performing unspeakable acts upon each other that would have made porn stars blush. But I never think about that. Every time I think of her I see her face and hear her soft voice and the way she had of making me feel loved. Oh, god! Will I ever stop thinking about her?! I miss her so much!

 

 

Same here, we were in college & joked that we were rabbits but it is not the sex I think about. It was she was my best friend and then all of a sudden, POOF she is gone. I remember the pain I had for years after we broke up and being rejected by her when trying to get close again. I remember how we could talk for hours and I am not a conversationalist. There has been virtually no contact between us for 15 years. I equate to your best friend dying but then has a chance to come back to life many years later.

[minimariah]

I'm betting that he will keep his wife informed...

 

he didn't keep his wife informed for over 30 years -- what makes you think he'll start now?

[minimariah]

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

WHY...? why is she the one? what are her personality traits that you love...? what are her flaws that others might find annoying - but you think are adorable?

 

what is your life for that woman based on?

how do you know she is the same woman she was 30+ years ago?

 

i'm honestly not even surprised that you decided to bail the moment you got asked some reasonable & direct questions.

[OldRover]

he didn't keep his wife informed for over 30 years -- what makes you think he'll start now?

 

Well, he just had the contact show up just recently. As a rule, it's probably not a good idea to discuss past relationships, if you occasionally think of them. If the SO brings it up fine, if not better left unsaid.

 

Now, at this time, I do agree the OP should let his wife know... if he's planning to stay with the marriage, which is statements suggests he is.

[Michart]

I think that everyone, sometime in their life, experiences something similar in nature. Their first love. Usually what happens, is it's the most wonderful, intense experience of their life and then after the first few months that cloud of blinded bliss gives way to reality. It's like you wake up in the morning and finally smell the other person's breathe. The difference in your situation is that it started like a wildfire (probably because of the limited amount of time you had together) You made the most of it, fit all of that affection into a weeks time. And then ended abruptly right in the middle of that intense blissfully blind time that you never really got to know any of the other stuff. It was all good...amazing times. And that is what you hold onto. I hope you can realize that what you are holding onto isn't real. You can never really get to know someone fully until you've had to work out a disagreement, or lived with them. What you have now is real. Marriage is real and takes years of hard work and building trust to get you where you are today. I do understand the act of getting closure, but I think it's important that you understand it's time to let go. Good luck and I hope you find peace.

[whichwayisup]

Well, all I can say is that I am in a highly charged emotional state right now, and I've been writing down my thoughts as they come to me. If there are inconsistencies, I certainly don't have to worry about them as there are people here who are only too happy to point out them out to me.

 

 

My main purpose here was to simply get my thoughts written down and to share my story. It makes me feel a bit better to have done so.

 

 

I was asked what my definition of love is, and I'll tell you. It's when your heart soars every time you look at or think of the woman you love. It's to look into her face and to feel a love so strong for her it almost brings you to tears, to feel an emptiness in you that has been filled, and to just know that she is the one and that no other woman could ever compare.

 

 

And, yes, I do love my wife. She has been the ultimate wife and mother, and our children have grown up in a secure, loving home. How can I say that when I've proclaimed my love for my German girl? It's complicated.

 

 

I think I've pretty much gotten everything off my chest, and I thank everyone for listening and offering your views.

 

 

No, OldRover is not me.

 

 

bye

 

I do hope you come back. I can understand maybe you're overwhelmed by some responses on here and aren't ready yet to face what's ahead so it's easier to ditch this place and not 'hear and take in' the good advice everybody is giving you.

 

You're gonna do what you're gonna do, I just hope you take into account how much you have to lose IF you go ahead a chase a past fantasy.

[VeveCakes]

I find this fascinating. While I think one week with someone on holiday is not realistic, I also see where you are coming from.

 

My first bf was my first love and vice versa. We broke up in high school because I was very young and didn't want a bf. Years later I was done with the dating and party game and was wishing I could have him as my bf again because I felt ready for that type of thing. That same week I ran into him at a bar and we started dating. Shortly after I got a job overseas and had to move. It was heartbreaking because we were really quickly in love again.

 

8 years passed, I got married, he had a long term gf. My Facebook was private and he keeps a low profile so we didn't connect during this time. Then one day in Walmart in the town I grew up in he was there, with his gf getting groceries. I was with my husband. We said hi and that was it, but I couldn't believe he was back in town and so was I.

 

He eventually found me on Facebook and messaged me about some Insurance stuff (my profession). When I split from my husband he heard and asked me to hang out. He was single and so was I but I wasn't ready to date. For 3 months he messaged me now and then asking me out. Eventually I was brave enough to get back out there and see him - and we have spent every day together since. I love him more than I ever loved my husband, and I was fully committed to my marriage that ended.

 

He told me over the years he always thought about me, asked people if they knew where I was or how to reach me, even when he had a girlfriend. He said he was devastated when he heard I got married. This is a cute story I think, but the point I'm trying to make is that I am glad he never gave up. I'm glad he always thought about our first love and that connection. We may have only been 16 but the connection has only intensified. He is everything I ever wanted, and it would have been the last person I would have thought I would end up with, but things have a way of happening.

 

So maybe don't give up, but don't stop living either.

[Montsan]

I find this fascinating. While I think one week with someone on holiday is not realistic, I also see where you are coming from.

 

My first bf was my first love and vice versa. We broke up in high school because I was very young and didn't want a bf. Years later I was done with the dating and party game and was wishing I could have him as my bf again because I felt ready for that type of thing. That same week I ran into him at a bar and we started dating. Shortly after I got a job overseas and had to move. It was heartbreaking because we were really quickly in love again.

 

8 years passed, I got married, he had a long term gf. My Facebook was private and he keeps a low profile so we didn't connect during this time. Then one day in Walmart in the town I grew up in he was there, with his gf getting groceries. I was with my husband. We said hi and that was it, but I couldn't believe he was back in town and so was I.

 

He eventually found me on Facebook and messaged me about some Insurance stuff (my profession). When I split from my husband he heard and asked me to hang out. He was single and so was I but I wasn't ready to date. For 3 months he messaged me now and then asking me out. Eventually I was brave enough to get back out there and see him - and we have spent every day together since. I love him more than I ever loved my husband, and I was fully committed to my marriage that ended.

 

He told me over the years he always thought about me, asked people if they knew where I was or how to reach me, even when he had a girlfriend. He said he was devastated when he heard I got married. This is a cute story I think, but the point I'm trying to make is that I am glad he never gave up. I'm glad he always thought about our first love and that connection. We may have only been 16 but the connection has only intensified. He is everything I ever wanted, and it would have been the last person I would have thought I would end up with, but things have a way of happening.

 

So maybe don't give up, but don't stop living either.

 

 

 

I am so happy to hear that things worked out well for you. It also sounds as though you're both still young enough to enjoy a long and happy life together. You are very lucky.

[Montsan]

I understand your need for closure. I disagree with telling your wife unless you want to hurt her. As near as I can tell you haven't "done" anything. However, YOUR need for closure doesn't give you the right to upset HER life. If you've not done any more than send a harmless "it's been a while" email then don't dump your guilt on your wife to make you feel better. I agree to leave well enough alone, be greatfull* that she is well and has lived what appears to be a nice life. Love isn't about impressing your wishes and desires on another-- it's allowing them to be exactly who they are without any need that they satisfy you. If you love her, leave her alone. If you're meant to see her again, you will.

Good luck.

Seanlai

The Game Changer

www.seanlai.biz

 

Right. I'm not going to volunteer all of this to my wife and needlessly hurt her. I did, in fact, mail off a letter today. I had wordsmithed it about a dozen times. There isn't even a hint in it as to my feelings for her, only that I'd thought about her from time to time over the years and that I'd really like to know what she's been doing all these years.

[minimariah]

Well, he just had the contact show up just recently.

 

truth. but his feelings aren't recent - they're about 30+ years old. during all of that time -- he never said a word about it to his wife... it only gets harder to be honest with years.

 

As a rule, it's probably not a good idea to discuss past relationships, if you occasionally think of them. If the SO brings it up fine, if not better left unsaid.

 

i disagree -- communication is super important and it's a really good thing to discuss your past relationships, views on love and marriage, adultery, connection, passion... analzying and discussing previous relationships allows both you and your partner to know each other better and to learn from each other - that's how you create and mantain a real connection.

 

Now, at this time, I do agree the OP should let his wife know... if he's planning to stay with the marriage, which is statements suggests he is.

 

i'm not sure he knows what he wants. he writes about wanting to stay in his marriage because, realistically, that's his only option. but it's very clear that he desires to be with the other woman -- notice how much he romanticizes the stories that have - what he perceives as - happy ending. that's the kind of story and ending he wishes for himself but his reality is different.

 

it's like he's satisfied with an okay reality but constantly wants and hopes for the fantasy he's been wanting for over 30 years.

[The D Train]

Vevecakes:

 

 

Your story is very similar to mine. I even ran into my first love in the grocery year ago each with our husband/wife.

 

 

Primary difference is our break up was rough - she was in high school & I was in college when we first dated and by her 2nd year of college I could tell she wanted to spread her wings (and legs) and we began to drift apart. I ended up cheating and she ended it. Rough few months after that but we would have really good talks for a couple years & then she met her H. She basically told me to take a hike. Over the years I would ask about her to mutual friends & told her sister that I still wanted to be with her even though I had a gf at the time.

 

 

20 years later she reached out to me on FB, exchanged some nice messages (nothing inappropriate) & my wife found out & I removed her on FB.

 

 

I just have a feeling things are not going well with her H and who knows what each of our situations will be down the road.

[The D Train]

I did, in fact, mail off a letter today. I had wordsmithed it about a dozen times. There isn't even a hint in it as to my feelings for her, only that I'd thought about her from time to time over the years and that I'd really like to know what she's been doing all these years.

 

Can you let us know how it turns out? What do you think would happened if she sent a return letter & your wife opens the mail that day?

[VeveCakes]

D Train - it was several years before everything transpired from that day seeing him at the grocery store. Anything is possible, if she messaged you it is likely she in unhappy. I hope something good comes of it for you!