ShatteredLady Posted January 19, 2016 Share Posted January 19, 2016 What if she writes back & says she's now divorced & has been thinking a lot about YOU recently? What if she wants to meet you to chat about 'the old days'? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) Mini, Well, we can disagree about talking about past ex's. of course. i personally want to discuss my potential partner's previous relationships - emotions, intimacy, what did that relationship meant to my potential partner... it saved me a lot of heartache in the past because using conversations like that and asking direct questions got a lot of men like the OP out of my way. i'd hate for my husband of over 30+ years to tell me that he was in love ONCE in his life - and that special flower wasn't me. just asking questions and watching the person's reaction when they talk about the ex tells you all you need to know about where they are emotionally and help avoid situations like these. that's why i'm ALL FOR communication about emotions and feelings and past intimacy - straight up. I'd bet there's plenty of us that think of ex's..... often. i think that most people don't care too much about their ex partners - most people move on. how many folks do you know that consider one of their ex partners the love of their lives? how many folks do you know that say they only were in love with ONE person in their entire life and it was the ex partner? sure, we all remember our ex partners and our times with them. sure, we may keep in touch and get together every once in a while... but talking about the ex partner as the love of your life and someone who you think is meant to be with you... then contacting that partner -- while keeping your spouse in the dark about everything... there is really not a chance that the OP is simply curious. or that his behavior is something that's "normal" or even desirable for a married man, sorry. Edited January 20, 2016 by minimariah 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 of course. i can & love to discuss my potential partner's previous relationships - emotions, intimacy, what did that relationship meant to my potential partner... it saved me a lot of heartache in the past because using conversations like that and asking direct questions got a lot of men like the OP out of my way. i'd hate for my husband of over 30+ years to tell me that he was in love ONCE in his life - and that special flower wasn't me. just asking questions and watching the person's reaction when they talk about the ex tells you all you need to know about where they are emotionally and help avoid situations like these. that's why i'm ALL FOR communication about emotions and feelings and past intimacy - straight up. i think that most people don't care too much about their ex partners - most people move on. how many folks do you know that consider one of their ex partners the love of their lives? how many folks do you know that say they only were in love with ONE person in their entire life and it was the ex partner? sure, we all remember our ex partners and our times with them. sure, we may keep in touch and get together every once in a while... but talking about the ex partner as the love of your life and someone who you think is meant to be with you... then contacting that partner -- while keeping your spouse in the dark about everything... there is really not a chance that the OP is simply curious. or that his behavior is something that's "normal" or even desirable for a married man, sorry. I love this post. There is a huge difference between simply remembering past loves and idealizing them when you're already married to someone else. I think that many people in this thread are confusing the two mindsets. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 What if she writes back & says she's now divorced & has been thinking a lot about YOU recently? What if she wants to meet you to chat about 'the old days'? I am interested in the answer to this. My situation I am still not sure what I would do. I would likely meet her at least once to put my curiosity at end. I think I would finally realize that we both changed over the last 22 years and my infatuation was misguided. On the other hand...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 What if she writes back & says she's now divorced & has been thinking a lot about YOU recently? What if she wants to meet you to chat about 'the old days'? I can assure you that that is not the case. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 My heart breaks for your poor wife I know the agony of loving a husband who followed his wonderlust. I would have to truly HATE someone to inflict the kind of torture I've endured. Try to find some empathy.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. I love my wife. I have stated that several times on this thread. I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially at this late stage in our lives. I just want to hear from my German girl one last time and get the closure I need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 BTW, ShatteredLady, I had asked you earlier in this thread if you had reconciled with your husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 We're in the process. It's very hard. It's not about leaving your wife. It's about the pain you could inflict on her & the way you think of her while you obsess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I just want to hear from my German girl one last time and get the closure I need. It would seem you're trying to discover if she's still as hung up on you as you are on her (fat chance!), not a real positive message for your marriage. If your thoughts of her are tied to the past, how would this present day "closure" cause you to stop thinking of her? You know she's alive. You know she's married. You know what she looks like today. What piece of information are you missing? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Oh, for crying out loud. I love my wife. I have stated that several times on this thread. I'm not going to leave her for anyone, especially at this late stage in our lives. I just want to hear from my German girl one last time and get the closure I need. What kind of closure are you looking for from her? Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I have to agree with everyone here, mate. This is not us ganging up on you but you really have to look deeper in your motivation to have this "closure." For me, the fact that you wanted "closure" from your German Girl is already a red flag. Also, if you also believe that this will make your wife upset (if she knew about it) means that for some degree, it is wrong, since it will cause your wife a good amount of pain. So okay, we get it. You need closure. But ask yourself why you really need this closure, why do you need to talk to her for the last time? The only reasons that I can think of (and please refute if you don't agree) are the following: - You have unresolved issues that you should have ironed out BEFORE you married your wife. - Emotional baggage (i.e. your 'love' for this german girl) - You still have feelings for her or the idea of her 3 decades ago (nevermind, the infidelity part) and the fact that you have this regardless if one-sided is a major red flag again. So, again, by acting upon this feeling, (i.e. communicate with her in any way) don't you think it is already an act of pursuing what you are feeling already? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The D Train Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 I know he has been crucified on here but Montsan needs closure. Something tangible to help him. This girl left an imprint on him that nobody else has. He realizes there is a very remote chance of them riding off into the sunset. Montsan: So what would you do if you did connect and fell hard for each other? Divorce, marry your dream girl? Say you did would it cause you mental issues that you missed out all these years? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 I know he has been crucified on here but Montsan needs closure. Something tangible to help him. This girl left an imprint on him that nobody else has. He realizes there is a very remote chance of them riding off into the sunset. Montsan: So what would you do if you did connect and fell hard for each other? Divorce, marry your dream girl? Say you did would it cause you mental issues that you missed out all these years? D Train, I am 67 years old. There is no way I'm going to leave my wife of 35 years and go riding off into the sunset with anyone. I know in my heart that I was just a tryst with her, and that if or when she reads my letter, it might bring back a vague memory of me, and she might or might not respond. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 D Train, I am 67 years old. There is no way I'm going to leave my wife of 35 years and go riding off into the sunset with anyone. I know in my heart that I was just a tryst with her, and that if or when she reads my letter, it might bring back a vague memory of me, and she might or might not respond. If you are not hoping to ride off into the sunset, what type of response do you think would bring you "closure"? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 20, 2016 Author Share Posted January 20, 2016 I don't know. It's just something that I have to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2016 Share Posted January 20, 2016 Perhaps, if your letter is successful, you'll gain closure by being recognized; remembered, acknowledged. IDK, that could work. TBH, my version started out as a bit of that but ended up very differently. I made it hard. Sent a card in a typed envelope mailed from a different city than where I lived. Wrote something inside which only she would know the meaning of, if she had remembered. Didn't sign the card. Put my website name in real small print down by where they put the price on the back of the card. So she had to read the card, think hard about what was in it, then scour it for clues, then look up the web site if she found that and then find my phone number on the web site, then be interested enough to call. Five days after I sent the card, the shop phone rang and a voice I hadn't heard in a couple decades said hello. Heh, closure? Hope you find what you're looking for. Personally, I'd leave things alone but the letter is sent so whatever happens, happens. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Perhaps, if your letter is successful, you'll gain closure by being recognized; remembered, acknowledged. IDK, that could work. You've summed it up nicely. Link to post Share on other sites
thecharade Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 I did this, felt this, acted this same way. I began to obsess over my first love and everyone warned me, "Do not go there!" But I could not stop obsessing--it lasted for years! Fast forward through contacting him, having an affair, hating myself and my life, ending the affair, and finally getting to the heart of the matter: I was very unhappy. My ex had nothing to do with it. Montsan, you are either going through something inside you like a mid-life crisis or you have hit a rough spot in your marriage. (The way you speak of your wife indicates a huge sense of responsibility to her but very little affection FOR her. What's going on there? No intimacy? Are you just roommates?) When you uncover what is going on inside you and why you are feeling so badly, you will no longer need this escapist obsession. My obsession and affair was the worst thing I have ever gone through, and I don't want you to experience the same. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Well, I guess, if you really need this for closure then go ahead...... But I just feel sad for your wife. I am not sure why. But I do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Perhaps, if your letter is successful, you'll gain closure by being recognized; remembered, acknowledged. IDK, that could work. TBH, my version started out as a bit of that but ended up very differently. I made it hard. Sent a card in a typed envelope mailed from a different city than where I lived. Wrote something inside which only she would know the meaning of, if she had remembered. Didn't sign the card. Put my website name in real small print down by where they put the price on the back of the card. So she had to read the card, think hard about what was in it, then scour it for clues, then look up the web site if she found that and then find my phone number on the web site, then be interested enough to call. Five days after I sent the card, the shop phone rang and a voice I hadn't heard in a couple decades said hello. Heh, closure? Hope you find what you're looking for. Personally, I'd leave things alone but the letter is sent so whatever happens, happens. carhill, do you still carry a torch for her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 Nope, long gone, died in 2009. Accepting reality is a potent tool of closure. However, that was not until after a long period of not accepting reality. So, we each learn in our own time. For myself, it was, hmm, about 25 years. I thought perhaps, many years ago, sending her love letters and cards to her husband might bring closure but it really didn't because I hadn't fully accepted reality. That's a personal process and we each do it in our own way and time. Yours will be yours. I remember a line from a movie that said a lot; yeah, it was a movie but the line was good: In 'Titanic', Gloria Stuart, the elder 'Rose' said that a 'woman's heart was a deep ocean of secrets', referring to her love affair with the young man on the ship who died in the sinking. Something she never told the husband she had married for life about. Someone she remembered forever. Sometimes life goes like that. Mine didn't. Unknown for you. However, you do have a constant companion there with you. Enjoy her. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Montsan Posted January 21, 2016 Author Share Posted January 21, 2016 Thank you, carhill. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 My grandparents were married in their very early 20's. Went through the war. Had 2 children. Lived their whole lives together. I recently found-out that my grandmother held a little photograph of her first love, (just a skinny little boy really) in her hand for the last few days of her life. It was next to her when she died. It broke my heart. She was never a very loving woman. In hindsight she was depressive & abusive most of her life. I always knew she felt very disappointed by life...like many women of her generation who 'ran England' for all those years when there weren't any men & were relegated to 2nd class citizens after the war. I don't know if obsessing on her ex had anything to do with it or if her head was only filled with him at the end. It made me so sad because my Grandad was a lovely man who lived his life for others. I just feel like we all deserve to have someone hold OUR photograph at the end. Particularly after a lifetime. I don't know. A lot of things are hitting me at the moment. I also reconnected with a (woman) friend I had in my teens & early 20's. It's been nice chatting to her. She's still 'Facebook friends' with many people we knew back then...including my first love! (I mentioned him earlier) He's never married. No children. Still talks about me as the only one. I'm so sad for him. I think my H's affair & my cancer scares are making me think more about my life. I looked for my friend (her name is far less common than mine). Asked my Mum about family. Just feeling sad Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 21, 2016 Share Posted January 21, 2016 ....I guess I just wish that YOUR WIFE, the woman you truly know, the woman you have shared your life with would be the one you're obsessing about. I want you to be holding HER photograph at the end. Sorry I've been so harsh on you. I'm going to give you the classic "It's not you, it's me!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts