I've lost interest in my marriage

[Harmacy]

I'm 27, my wife is 28. We have an 8 year old son. Been married for 8 years. Basically, I decided at the time that it was OK to get married since we were having a child. As I quickly learned, it was most likely a mistake.

 

I love my wife. She's not a bad person. I just do not enjoy being around her anymore. The novelty wore off many years ago. We don't have a lot in common, and as the years go by, that gap gets wider and wider.

 

I moved out for six months about 5 years ago. She was a pathetic mess without me. She can't cook, so, she didn't eat. I was living with a female co-worker during that time. My wife spied on me during this time, because I lied and said the relationship with the co-worker was platonic. To this day I contend the relationship was platonic, even though while spying, she saw me kiss the other woman. It's just stupid, in all honesty.

 

Anyways, I moved back in with my wife, as I was jobless and broke. Things were actually going pretty good for about a year. We bought a house within that time, and she began taking anti-depression medication, which made living with her more bearable.

 

Well, it seems all too often I'm married to whatever medication she's taking, and not her. I rarely have any interest in any of the conversations she tries to start. I fake it, though, just to make things easier. In fact, I fake a lot of things, just to make things easier. It is truly ridiculous how much of our relationship today just isn't real. I love my son and don't want to mess up things by leaving -- but all these years (yeah, 8 isn't that much, I guess) really has taken its toll. I'm almost to the point of being comatose around the house. I don't make any conscious effort to "hang out" with her. We have sex 2 times a month, and only if she's had some alcohol and if she's not tired.

 

I'm afraid to say anything about how I truly feel. She'll freak out. But, I need to do something, and soon. I'm seriously considering seeing counseling for whatever problem it is I have. I've just not seen anything on the internet that comes too close to what I'm going through.

 

I guess my question here is, am I completely insane? Sometimes I feel as such -- who would force themselves to suffer through a completely uninteresting relationship with a person, just to keep them happy, as well as the child involved? Maybe it's more common than I realize, but, as I said, I didn't really get much info on the web, so, here I am.

[dgiirl]

Go to counselling. First IC, then MC. I know you mean well, but some of the things you've written is very arrogant. Maybe you havent been meeting your wife's emotional needs, and thus she doesnt want to meet yours. You do have the right to be happy, but since there's more people involved you need to make every effort to make this marriage work. Once you know you tried everything humanely possible, then get a divorce. Counselling is a great first step.

[Ladyjane14]

I think you're right to be concerned, and to wonder if you should be seeking out therapy. Afterall, why throw away a pretty good woman and family situation, just to alleviate boredom? That's probably a little TOO MUCH drama to introduce into your life, right?

 

I'm not a professional, but I would imagine that a "borderline" personality disorder, or an untreated case of adult ADHD, could very well present with the symptoms of discontent and overall boredom that you've mentioned. So, yeah. You owe it to yourself, and to your family to eliminate those possibilities.

 

Maybe you havent been meeting your wife's emotional needs, and thus she doesnt want to meet yours.

 

Dgiirl brings up an excellent point here. Consider stopping by the library or bookstore and picking up a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It's a fairly easy read, and it'll get you thinking about how you can meet your wife's unmet needs, as well as help you to identify where your needs are being unmet.

 

Once you've begun identifying the problems in the relationship, you'll feel so much better. While the problems are vague and non-specific....you're at a loss as to how to proceed. You take control of your situation once you have the problem defined.

[tonia]

Your wife sounds exactly like the man that I just divorced. I just about went crazy in my own home-not knowing what to expect from day to day-except boredom and thinking 'crap another day of nothing'. I am the last one to be giving advice to anyone-but your post did help me to know that I am not alone. I wish you happiness and soon,

[Ladyjane14]

I think your situation is probably a little different from this poster's, Tonia. Perhaps even a little more in common with his wife's pov, than with his.

 

I read through your other posts and it looks like your ex-husband was the one who disengaged from the relationship....much like Harmacy has disengaged. Like Memomma's situation in which her husband would go for week's on end without speaking to her (or her teenage children), withholding interaction can become emotionally abusive.

 

You know, my great-grandma divorced her first husband, because "he wouldn't keep a job". That was in the DEPRESSION ERA! But still, even today....a willingness to be supportive not only financially but also emotionally, is important to keeping the marital relationship intact. These are the most rudimentary elements.

 

Harmacy's wife still seems to be engaged in the relationship. It is he, who is withdrawn. That could be an easy fix. Perhaps he's never had a marriage of long-standing modelled for him. It could be that he's never experienced a loving relationship after the physiological factors of hormonal response have worn off. It could be that he isn't hopeful that the current communications problems can be identified and resolved.

 

I think almost ANYONE could agree that a loving two-parent home is preferable in child-rearing. Particularly, when we as parents, can model a mature relationship for our children.

 

What alot of people don't know is that a long-lived marriage has benefits that TOTALLY outweigh the initial exitement and temporary rush of a newfound infatuation. There is comfort, trust, and a sense of completion....a sense of being at home with your partner.....and still the occasional burst of pheramone-induced excitement.

 

In Harmacy's case, it's certainly worth his effort to explore those possibilities. He's bound to understand that his spouse is NOT his 'personal entertainment committee'....so there has to be another unidentified factor at work.

[Harmacy]

Thanks all for the feedback thus far. I think what a couple of you are missing, however, is the fact that I am trying on my own to keep the relationship afloat. I'm simply getting nothing out of it, other than the fact that my son assuredly would rather us be together than apart.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm meeting my wife's emotional needs -- she's actually pretty happy most of the time. You can call me arrogant, but, it's the truth that I cook her every meal, do all the dirty housework around the house, do most of the laundry, yardwork, and still find time to work a well-paying job. I take her out on dates. We snuggle when she wants it. She wanted cats. I'm allergic to cats. We now have four cats. I could go on and on with more stuff like this.

 

There's just a large number of these "little things" that are just wearing on me. She tells me she loves me and we'll have sex every two weeks, and that's about all I get out of the relationship. But, I act like I'm Mr. Happy Guy because if I don't, she'll just be upset and very unreasonable to be around.

[dgiirl]

You sound a lot like my stbxh. And the reason why I'm calling you arrogant is your not giving her the opportunity to fix the marriage. According to you, you're making all these sacrifices for her, she does nothing in return, and yet your not telling her how you feel. Just because you think she's happy, doesnt mean she's happy. My stbxh thought I was happy, I thought he was happy, and it turns out we were both miserable. I'm trying to help you not make the same mistake my stbxh did. He just upped and left without ever telling me he was unhappy, and then blamed me for everything. The way he did it almost destroyed me. I'm trying to help you realize that not everything is one sided. The fact that you've come here is a good mature step. I strongly suggest you seek counselling. Learn to communicate properly with your wife before you make any drastic changes. Wouldnt you rather know you did everything you possibly could to salvage this marriage before deciding on divorce? All three of you (plus the 4 cats) deserve that much.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Harmacy

I fake a lot of things, just to make things easier.

 

I'm afraid to say anything about how I truly feel.

 

Sometimes I feel as such -- who would force themselves to suffer through a completely uninteresting relationship with a person, just to keep them happy...

 

I act like I'm Mr. Happy Guy because if I don't, she'll just be upset and very unreasonable to be around.

 

Could be conflict avoidance? It doesn't sound like you're asking to have your needs met, not in an effective way that commands results anyhow. Sometimes, you have to be quite tenacious in addressing the deficits in the relationship.

 

I still recommend counseling. It'll do you a world of good, even if you're current marriage doesn't work out.

 

Call the member service number on the back of your health insurance card for verification of benefits and a list of preferred providers.

[Harmacy]

I'm pretty sure having "my needs met" would equate to her changing back to the person she was when we met 10 years ago. How logistical could that be?

 

I'm going to look into some sort of counseling. I'm way too depressed lately.

[suegail]

It sounds like a silent form of manipulation going on. She knows (perhaps) that you know she will go off the deep end/make your life miserable or both if you broach the subject of any unhappiness you might be feeling. You're in this situation because you're afraid to confront her. You don't want to face it. She probably knows that. And believe me, I'm not trying to cast insult on her. I'm just saying that after so many years with a person you come to know if they will or will not face conflict.

 

I admire you for all the effort you're making to see that she's happy and that your son is happy and secure. I really admire that. I do feel though that it's time for you to talk to her about this. As far as I can see, you have to. I see no other way to come to any resolution. What other option do you have?

[Harmacy]

Thank you... that really sums it very well. The crux of the issue is just that, though, that I don't know how to tell her this. I'm not really very good at verbal communication. That's where the counseling with a therapist I think will help me battle this out. I think the hardest part may be informing her that I am planning on visiting with a therapist. Either way, I'll report back here in case anyone's interested in what results.

 

Thanks to all.

[suegail]

Yes, please do keep us informed on how things are going with you. I hope the therapy sessions do help. This is also good therapy, reading posts of others who have similar problems, getting things off your chest, and the best part is it's free of charge. *S*

 

Best of luck to you...

[Harmacy]

Well, I visited with a psychologist earlier this week.

 

I feel good about one aspect of the session, and that was finally discussing all of this nonsense with someone in person. However, that was about the only 'postive' result from it, and I have lingering doubts about the effectiveness of future sessions.

 

I made it quite clear that I essentially wanted to figure out how to be honest and open with my wife about how I feel. I don't know what on earth he'll be able to do, but one of his recommendations was to bring in my wife for some regular marriage counseling. I'm just not ready to notify her about all of this 'trouble.' It's just easier (in the short run) to let it slide, but I know I need to confront her about it eventually, or I will lose my sanity.

 

Meanwhile, in my daily interactions with my wife, I've been trying to not present this "fake" side of myself that I've been showing for so many years. I'm being rather honest and blunt with her on many topics -- and I don't think she likes it. Honestly, I don't care if she likes it anymore. I'm tired of not being myself.

 

My guess is I'll eventually opt to inform her that it's time for us to have some dual conseling, at which point I have no idea what to expect. Fear of the unknown.... it scares the **** out of me!! So, who knows when I'll take this step.

[suegail]

At least you're taking some steps. I'm very glad to hear it. It's a sad thing to allow your entire life to be controlled by fear over how your wife will react to anything you might say or do, and it shouldn't be that way. It's apparently something that works well for her but is terrible for you, but you know this and now you see it clearly. It's a situation that has to change.

 

I wish I could advise you on how to approach her on the subject. I just wouldnt' know, but I won't blow sunshine in your ear because it isnt' going to be easy. I guess once you accept that there is no way to make it easy and are ready to face it, come what may, you'll feel strong enough to do it.

 

best of luck...