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Is the love we feel towards our current SOs and Spouses just an illusion

loverage21

By loverage21
in General Relationship Discussion

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loverage21 Established Member

loverage21

Posted
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Love is a feeling. You can love people, you can love ideas, you can love your pets, etc.

 

I believe love is a here and now thing. Love cannot be consciously controlled. You can be mad at someone yet love them.

 

I think romance is a hoax. An illusion. I think people fall in love with ideas and project them onto someone and claim that is love for the person.

 

For example, when you are with someone, you probably have thought about ideas of getting married, having kids, living together, etc...

 

Those thoughts probably gave you fuzzies inside. But in reality, those things have not happened yet. They may never happen. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Really, you are falling in love with the idea and the scenarios created in your head. You are in love with the future idea, not so much the person.

 

Without thinking about the future, and thinking only about the present, look at your partner NOW. Can you honestly say you love him more so than you ever loved anyone else?

  • Like 1
Oregon_Dude Established Member

Oregon_Dude

Posted
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It's just chemical reactions, dude.

 

Love is a temporary feeling. Evidence: millions of divorces.

 

Enjoy the highs, accept inevitable lows.

 

Love, lust and relationships are all temporary.

  • Like 3
Redfisher Established Member

Redfisher

Posted
Posted
Love is a feeling. You can love people, you can love ideas, you can love your pets, etc.

 

I believe love is a here and now thing. Love cannot be consciously controlled. You can be mad at someone yet love them.

 

I think romance is a hoax. An illusion. I think people fall in love with ideas and project them onto someone and claim that is love for the person.

 

For example, when you are with someone, you probably have thought about ideas of getting married, having kids, living together, etc...

 

Those thoughts probably gave you fuzzies inside. But in reality, those things have not happened yet. They may never happen. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Really, you are falling in love with the idea and the scenarios created in your head. You are in love with the future idea, not so much the person.

 

Without thinking about the future, and thinking only about the present, look at your partner NOW. Can you honestly say you love him more so than you ever loved anyone else?

 

If that's true I must be Magician....:)

Redfisher Established Member

Redfisher

Posted
Posted
It's just chemical reactions, dude.

 

Love is a temporary feeling. Evidence: millions of divorces.

 

Enjoy the highs, accept inevitable lows.

 

Love, lust and relationships are all temporary.

 

Maybe true but life is only temporary as well....Think about it.

  • Like 9
loveflower Established Member

loveflower

Posted
Posted

What isn't? hello...The matrix?

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think people fall in love with ideas and project them onto someone and claim that is love for the person.

 

For example, when you are with someone, you probably have thought about ideas of getting married, having kids, living together, etc...

 

Those thoughts probably gave you fuzzies inside. But in reality, those things have not happened yet. They may never happen. You never know what will happen tomorrow. Really, you are falling in love with the idea and the scenarios created in your head. You are in love with the future idea, not so much the person.

 

For once I agree with this portion of your post...my fav podcaster recommends "dating" (not shacking up, friends, LDRs, co-workers) for 1 1/2 to 2 years so you can get past the "fuzzies", enfatuation, lust, blue balls and really get to know that person.

 

Then, if you still think they can meet the expectations you projected on them get engaged and add six months of premarital counseling before you set a wedding date.

Edited by Gloria25
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Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted (edited)
It's just chemical reactions, dude.

 

Love is a temporary feeling. Evidence: millions of divorces.

 

Enjoy the highs, accept inevitable lows.

 

Love, lust and relationships are all temporary.

 

When we first meet someone, yep, lots of is are emotions - which come and go...it sorts "gets your foot in the door" with someone.

 

Then yes, in that emotional period, we project all of what we "want" in a mate (not them per se) on them....

 

BUT, we need to not rush and make rash decisions like sex, kids, marriage until we take the time to really, really see if they are the real deal or what we projected onto them...Like Amy Winehouse's "Fools Gold".

 

Love and romance is not a "hoax", but if you rely on raw emotions, feelings, hornies, projections, then yes...it isn't for real, it's an illusion.

 

Real love is like my fav podcaster says: "awe,respect, admiration"...and that's a pretty high standard to ascribe to someone and you can't have that for someone without really, really getting to know them past the initial emotional state/honeymoon period when you just meet them.

Edited by Gloria25
  • Like 2
candie13 Established Member

candie13

Posted
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loads of projection and expectations in that L word. I do believe most people hardly get to know - really know - the object of their affection. Makes sense, they're already telling themselves what they want to hear, and reality becomes, therefore not necessary. One can also ask if our reality is really real too, hehe...

lana-banana Established Member

lana-banana

Posted
Posted
Really, you are falling in love with the idea and the scenarios created in your head. You are in love with the future idea, not so much the person.

This is why you date. Of course the first few months are all rainbows and sunshine; you haven't seen (or perhaps you choose to ignore) the bad parts and let your imagination run wild. If you're young or immature, you imagine them fulfilling your every desire. But over time you discover their flaws---hear their jokes that aren't funny, listen to them snore, watch them put laundry on the floor when the hamper is RIGHT THERE---and, if it's a healthy relationship, things get even better. When two people mutually embrace each other's worst aspects their love becomes stronger, deeper, and more enduring. That is what unconditional love is all about. It's what families are built upon.

 

Without thinking about the future, and thinking only about the present, look at your partner NOW. Can you honestly say you love him more so than you ever loved anyone else?
Yes. Without a doubt.
  • Like 5
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

love is as real as hate is real....love is not an illusion as hate is not an illusion.......notice no one ever questions hate...but love...cops the lot......just goes to show......what is easier to believe....love breathes as does hate.....it also depends on which one you feed and nurture that survives.....love or hate..both are real ...deb

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
This is why you date. Of course the first few months are all rainbows and sunshine; you haven't seen (or perhaps you choose to ignore) the bad parts and let your imagination run wild. If you're young or immature, you imagine them fulfilling your every desire. But over time you discover their flaws---hear their jokes that aren't funny, listen to them snore, watch them put laundry on the floor when the hamper is RIGHT THERE---and, if it's a healthy relationship, things get even better. When two people mutually embrace each other's worst aspects their love becomes stronger, deeper, and more enduring. That is what unconditional love is all about. It's what families are built upon.

 

Yes. Without a doubt.

 

I agree with you, but think that the point to be made is...if you rushed into marriage/kids with someone w/o getting to know them (like lana-banana is referring to...seeing them in their best/worst and still loving them) of course you're gonna feel disappointed once the honeymoon period fades cuz you locked them down not for who they are/were - but what you "projected" on them cuz you were infatuated, elated, excited.

 

Now that you realize they snore and aren't gonna change you sorta wish you took the time to get to know them instead of what you "thought" you knew about them.

 

So, the problem isn't "love" and/or "romance" being an illusion, the problem is improperly calling "emotions", "enfatuation", etc love - especially too early in a RL.

 

Like my fav podcaster also says: "Chose wisely, treat kindly".

 

I don't believe in "unconditional love"...I mean, if you get lazy or nasty or whatever in our RL I'm supposed to give you a pass cuz I love you? Well ok, it goes both ways then. If you want me to accept you - lazy and all, then accept me wanting you to get off your duff and move around a bit.

 

We all put conditions on love, that's why we just don't marry anything. Compatability, goals, attraction, etc must be felt and shared...you gotta be a "match". No, not always gonna find someone 100% what you want, but that's where you gotts know what you'll compromise on (unconditional love I guess?) and your deal breakers. The more you have in common with your SO, the tighter the glue in your RL, marriage, etc.

 

Like this thread, I see it all the time. Joe and Jane meet. They're attracted. They go on dates, hang around, have fun, like the same movie/popcorn and after a few months of this think they met "the one". So, the shack up, marry, pop out kids and wake up one day and realize they never knew each other like they thought they did and want out.

 

Lots of people marrying not knowing what they want and need in a husband/wife/parent. They don't do premarital counseling. They base their decison to marry and have kids based on a being the "next step" cuz they have fun at the movies for a couple of months....awww how cute. :rolleyes:

Samhain Established Member

Samhain

Posted
Posted
Without thinking about the future, and thinking only about the present, look at your partner NOW. Can you honestly say you love him more so than you ever loved anyone else?

 

I can say I love her more than anyone else yes. After the initial honeymoon stage has passed, and it's been a few years, you know if you love someone or not. And an "idea of the future" isn't what I call love. I call love what I feel in the present, and all the reasons why, of all of them, none of them are anything to do with the future other than the fact I'm looking forward to facing it with her.

thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted

The love I have for my child is true and real...same for my mother,,.....and its "different", than other types of interpersonal relationships...And this statement comes from an admitted pragmatist...

 

YMMV

 

TFY

Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
Posted

 

Without thinking about the future, and thinking only about the present, look at your partner NOW. Can you honestly say you love him more so than you ever loved anyone else?

 

I can honestly say this about my last great love affair, without a doubt. We didn't live in the past or worry about the future. We just enjoyed each moment and saw it as a gift. I never before walked around feeling so thankful for the love I felt for him and the love I received in return by this man.

 

That kind of love is transformative.

  • Like 2
WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

Posted
Posted
When we first meet someone, yep, lots of is are emotions - which come and go...it sorts "gets your foot in the door" with someone.

 

Then yes, in that emotional period, we project all of what we "want" in a mate (not them per se) on them....

 

BUT, we need to not rush and make rash decisions like sex, kids, marriage until we take the time to really, really see if they are the real deal or what we projected onto them...Like Amy Winehouse's "Fools Gold".

 

Love and romance is not a "hoax", but if you rely on raw emotions, feelings, hornies, projections, then yes...it isn't for real, it's an illusion.

 

Real love is like my fav podcaster says: "awe,respect, admiration"...and that's a pretty high standard to ascribe to someone and you can't have that for someone without really, really getting to know them past the initial emotional state/honeymoon period when you just meet them.

I agree about not making rash decisions with long-term consequences like kids, marriage, etc., but not so much with regards to 'falling in love', whatever that means.

 

Diving into a relationship head first, putting yourself at risk while the emotions are high, helps prime the neural pathways that allow one to maintain a stable relationship into the future. Brain imaging studies have shown that in long time partners, when reminded of or thinking of past events, the exact same brain regions are activated as when you are first 'falling in love'. The ability to reminisce and essentially re-experience these early feelings is a significant contributor to stable, happy relationship. Being too guarded, or taking things too slow in the beginning can inhibit formation of these pathways and result in a weaker overall bond.

  • 1 month later...
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loverage21 Established Member

loverage21

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Posted

Let's all admit...

Childhood sweethearts who marry and live their lives together sounds like a better and more emotionally evoking love story than two adults who meet and marry.

 

They say first love is unforgettable. It happens during our innocence and just that in itself makes it so special. Maybe not for everyone if it created bad memories but if it was good then it is a memory that invokes strong emotions even later into adulthood.

 

People who marry their high school sweethearts (or even reunite later) get to share two parts of life with their partner. They get to experience both youth and adulthood. They get a piece of both experiences. Meanwhile, couples who meet as adults don't get that other piece.

 

You can't deny that it doesn't sound better to say that you were able to experience your childhood/adolescent years with your partner too.

 

A study was conducted and found that young couples who reunite later were able to pick up right where they left off.

 

I think what keeps us with our adult partners is values and the unknown. Think, if you knew you could get back with your teen sweetheart (or even a childhood friend) and it be a great relationship, deep down inside that sounds like a sweeter love story. But you may feel a sense of guilt for thinking that way when you have a perfectly loving relationship with your current partner. Thus, you are diverting (and choosing) to redirect your thoughts and feelings back to your current partner.

 

I think real love comes naturally. It is a feeling that is just there. Some say real love is a choice. I don't think so, because if you have to choose to invest yourself in someone else, then that is a conscience effort.

 

And I think people also fall in love with values and principals and reflect those onto people they are with. For example, the "I love you despite all your imperfections" or "real love is when you know everything is not perfect but you can endure that together" ideals are what people fall in love with and thus those principals and ideals help generate more emotions towards their partners.

 

I think deep down inside we may have more feelings towards other people or other circumstances, but we convince ourselves otherwise by countering them with values and morals to "mask" the guilt and generate feelings. We, in return, are really having feelings towards the morals, values, or principals and attaching those to a person.

 

I regret not establishing meaningful connections with girls as a teenager. That is the biggest regret of my life.

 

If we knew certain things in advance, I truly believe outcomes in life would be much different.

Phoenician Established Member

Phoenician

Posted
Posted

Don't regret anything ,

it doesn't always work.

the only reason that we get attached more is that by nature we are vulnerable to memories .

 

we are exited to memories more than the current experience .

there are 3 phases of active emotions life

-learning

-pain

and expressing ourselves .

 

normally we reach the last phase in late thirties / early forties.

 

 

I am currently in that phase and reunited to my school mates;

we are enjoying great time , talking heart to heart , and having discussions I can only have with dear persons to my hearts .

one and more of the ladies who are also available emotionally were exs to me , yet , I am sure they are not a better match for a marriage .

 

memories sometimes generate a fake granted love ; the more important is compatibility and givology of the couples .

 

compatibility doesn't means that you love same things and hobbies ; it means that your partner is ready to do things with you though they don't like that action or hobby.

 

sexual compatibility is very important ; unfortunately it is discovered usually after LTR or marriage .

 

forget about the past , look at the future ; otherwise you would discover that it is an illusion at a high price.

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted
Let's all admit...

Childhood sweethearts who marry and live their lives together sounds like a better and more emotionally evoking love story than two adults who meet and marry.

 

They say first love is unforgettable. It happens during our innocence and just that in itself makes it so special.....

 

No, I won't admit that. And I don't think it sounds better, actually. Falling in love after having experienced other relationships is more likely to lead to REAL love because you have a basis of comparison, compared to some delusional, over-romanticized - and fictitious - ideal of childhood sweethearts.

 

Yes, I can easily remember my first love(s) - and would not want ANY of them versus the later loves in my life. The early ones were sweet, but really not good choices for the long term. My current love is the real deal, and I would not trade her for anyone or anything.

  • Like 4
Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
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Love is NOT black and white.

  • Like 1
newmoon Established Member

newmoon

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i tend to agree. people who meet and fall in love as children/teens have much stronger/healthier marriages overall. that's not me, that's fact. they know each other as innocent and can always see one another through the eyes of a younger self (perhaps even with the ability to forgive faults easier b/c they know how the person once was?). my brother reunited with a woman 20 years on and it was like they hadn't been separated for a day. despite 20 years apart they got along like best friends and were married within a few weeks of reuniting, and they are much happier than many couples i see. i do think meeting in your youth can lead to some improved happiness if you remain with that partner, but i also think you can't deny that true love and fulfillment can come at any age.

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loverage21 Established Member

loverage21

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No, I won't admit that. And I don't think it sounds better, actually. Falling in love after having experienced other relationships is more likely to lead to REAL love because you have a basis of comparison, compared to some delusional, over-romanticized - and fictitious - ideal of childhood sweethearts.

 

Yes, I can easily remember my first love(s) - and would not want ANY of them versus the later loves in my life. The early ones were sweet, but really not good choices for the long term. My current love is the real deal, and I would not trade her for anyone or anything.

 

You said "not good choices long-term"...

 

But what if they changed between then and now?

Els Established Member

Els

Posted
Posted

Technically speaking, you might argue that the entire universe is an illusion, a simulation. Does that change the day-to-day realities? No, not really. IMO 'studies' and hypotheses about romantic relationships are of limited value and to be taken with huge grains of salt.

 

FWIW, I would NOT choose to be with any of my ex partners even if I were single. After all there is a reason I left them. I suspect the 'pining after HS sweetheart' trope is much less common in reality than you think.

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loverage21 Established Member

loverage21

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Technically speaking, you might argue that the entire universe is an illusion, a simulation. Does that change the day-to-day realities? No, not really. IMO 'studies' and hypotheses about romantic relationships are of limited value and to be taken with huge grains of salt.

 

FWIW, I would NOT choose to be with any of my ex partners even if I were single. After all there is a reason I left them. I suspect the 'pining after HS sweetheart' trope is much less common in reality than you think.

 

What if you knew, however, that you could be just as happy if not happier with someone you knew during your childhood than who you are with now?

 

Would you in reality be "staying with" your current SO yet having stronger feelings towards that childhood sweetheart?

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