Is the love we feel towards our current SOs and Spouses just an illusion

[Gloria25]

You said "not good choices long-term"...

 

But what if they changed between then and now?

 

Then have a coffee, lunch, etc with them....check them out.

 

You're sitting here with these grandiose fantasies of someone who you don't even know as a mature adult.

 

Look, again, go for your childhood sweetheart and call it a day. You keep on posting about the same question/issue. The only way you're gonna move forward is to make a decison. If you're scared to risk leaving your SO/wife then just meet up with the HS sweetheart for a coffee, lunch, etc...become "friends" and check them out and decide if they're worth considering a romantic future with.

 

Oh, and if this is the case of "Alexa" leaving you for her ex? Ok, again, the only way you're gonna know that is if you make time to date her...period. So, as you're dating her if she starts acting aloof, spending time with out you and you see she gets a call from her HS sweetheart, then you got yor response - which is he and her still have a connection.

 

Either way, posting and asking about this over and over in not way is going to get you answers...you have to step from behind the computer and go and check out these women and find out what's what.

 

And yes, you may sadly be disappointed...but that's life. When we take one path we gain and give up "something". You mitigate the amount of loss by research, investigating, studying, spending time with that person before making big decisions (ie marriage, kids, comingling finances).

[Michelle ma Belle]

What if you knew, however, that you could be just as happy if not happier with someone you knew during your childhood than who you are with now?

 

Would you in reality be "staying with" your current SO yet having stronger feelings towards that childhood sweetheart?

 

That's the thing, you will NEVER really know with 100% certainty of such a thing.

 

You speak as if the ONLY true love is that of childhood sweethearts when in fact that is NOT true at all.

[Gloria25]

And I don't agree with the "love" you have for a spouse/SO is an "illusion", cuz if that's the case, you got with your spouse and/or SO for the wrong reasons.

 

Some people date/marry cuz they are lonely, getting old, pressure from family, community, etc., cuz they want someone to pay their bills. While yes, you gotta be practical in dating/marrying, if you don't feel the love you have for your SO is real, doesn't have a thing to do with HS sweethearts. It has to do with you dating/marrying for the wrong reasons and yearning for someone you actually have a "connection" with.

 

Next time take the time to get to really know someone (1 1/2 to 2 years ) before you marry them, have kids, and get stuck. I mean, if kids/bills are the only thing keeping a couple together, that's sad and often results in people divorcing when the kids are up and out.

[loverage21]

That's the thing, you will NEVER really know with 100% certainty of such a thing.

 

You speak as if the ONLY true love is that of childhood sweethearts when in fact that is NOT true at all.

 

So uncertainty is the only reason you love someone after your childhood sweetheart

[Gloria25]

So uncertainty is the only reason you love someone after your childhood sweetheart

 

Lemme ask you...

 

Would you jump into a swimming pool and "hope" you hit water?

 

Well that seems like how you think the desire to be with someone is based on - the "uncertainty" (ie pool with water, but hoping you find water after you jump and about to hit the floor of the pool).

 

So yes, follow your wildest dreams and let the exhilaration of "uncertainty" drive you to pursue a high school sweetheart. Me? When I jump into a pool, I check beforehand that water is actually there.

[Qboro90]

Lemme ask you...

 

Would you jump into a swimming pool and "hope" you hit water?

 

Well that seems like how you think the desire to be with someone is based on - the "uncertainty" (ie pool with water, but hoping you find water after you jump and about to hit the floor of the pool).

 

So yes, follow your wildest dreams and let the exhilaration of "uncertainty" drive you to pursue a high school sweetheart. Me? When I jump into a pool, I check beforehand that water is actually there.

 

Have you thought about implementing this advise in your own life and daring interests?

[Michelle ma Belle]

So uncertainty is the only reason you love someone after your childhood sweetheart

 

Life is uncertain for heaven's sake. Unless you can purchase a crystal ball or a magic want at the corner store you will never know that anything in life is certain. All you can do is take a leap of faith.

 

You continue to view love in such polarizing absolutes, it's either this or that and nothing else. That is only setting you up for heartbreak.

 

Love is love no matter when you find, where you find and with whom.

 

Childhood/teenage/first love guarantees NOTHING.

[Qboro90]

Life is uncertain for heaven's sake. Unless you can purchase a crystal ball or a magic want at the corner store you will never know that anything in life is certain. All you can do is take a leap of faith.

 

You continue to view love in such polarizing absolutes, it's either this or that and nothing else. That is only setting you up for heartbreak.

 

Love is love no matter when you find, where you find and with whom.

 

Childhood/teenage/first love guarantees NOTHING.

 

Don't waste your time with this guy, it's a futile enterprise. He legitimately needs psychological help. He's posted this same question and preached about "young love" going on a year now in dozens of threads. Notice how he only replies to those who address his fantasy questions and are unaware of his obsession and completely disregards/glazes over those who point out the insanity?

 

Save your breath

[Els]

Don't waste your time with this guy, it's a futile enterprise. He legitimately needs psychological help. He's posted this same question and preached about "young love" going on a year now in dozens of threads. Notice how he only replies to those who address his fantasy questions and are unaware of his obsession and completely disregards/glazes over those who point out the insanity?

 

Save your breath

 

Oh, whoops. Noted.

[loverage21]

But hear me out:

 

I think you can choose to invest yourself in somebody emotionally, yet know deep down inside their are more desirable outcomes. I think we confuse committing to someone and really genuinely having feelings towards someone.

 

For example, what if you are married for 20-something years and are happy in your relationship. One day, you and your high school sweetheart run into each other. You are overwhelmed with memories and nostalgia. Your high school sweetheart is even more attractive than ever. You remember as a kid having that desire to marry him or her and you know deep down inside if you got back with your high school sweetheart successfully, it would make for the sweetest love story ever.

 

But, your conscience hits you like a ton of bricks. You realize you are married and are already happy and you couldn't leave and betray your husband/wife like that. You start to convince yourself that love is better when you accept what you have in the moment (but you know deep down inside you have feelings for your old flame still).

 

Because if you knew you could be happier with your high school sweetheart in the longrun even though you are happy with your current partner, common sense knows that people deep down inside wants the best of the best. That is why it is called the "best". But you use your morals and empathy to convince yourself it is better to stay with your current partner, which you could of used those same reasons with whomever you are with, whether your current SO be Billy, Johnny, or Sammy.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Let's all admit...

Childhood sweethearts who marry and live their lives together sounds like a better and more emotionally evoking love story than two adults who meet and marry.

 

Why do you think we should all "admit" something that we don't believe is the truth? You write this kind of thing all the time and probably there are some other people who think the same way you do. So far they are not participating in your threads here on LoveShack, so PLEASE just accept that your belief system about this is pretty unique to yourself!!

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

For example, what if you are married for 20-something years and are happy in your relationship. One day, you and your high school sweetheart run into each other. You are overwhelmed with memories and nostalgia. Your high school sweetheart is even more attractive than ever. You remember as a kid having that desire to marry him or her and you know deep down inside if you got back with your high school sweetheart successfully, it would make for the sweetest love story ever.

 

Real love isn't about "the sweetest story ever."

 

The thing you wrote there happens all the time, people are finding their high school sweethearts on Facebook or whatever. If they ditch their spouse in favor of the past, there was something wrong with their marriage AND they are just generally dishonest people of weak character. I promise you that they are going to remain just as weak and dishonest if they pursue their fantasy of their childhood sweetheart.

[Gloria25]

But hear me out:

 

I think you can choose to invest yourself in somebody emotionally, yet know deep down inside their are more desirable outcomes. I think we confuse committing to someone and really genuinely having feelings towards someone.

 

For example, what if you are married for 20-something years and are happy in your relationship. One day, you and your high school sweetheart run into each other. You are overwhelmed with memories and nostalgia. Your high school sweetheart is even more attractive than ever. You remember as a kid having that desire to marry him or her and you know deep down inside if you got back with your high school sweetheart successfully, it would make for the sweetest love story ever.

 

But, your conscience hits you like a ton of bricks. You realize you are married and are already happy and you couldn't leave and betray your husband/wife like that. You start to convince yourself that love is better when you accept what you have in the moment (but you know deep down inside you have feelings for your old flame still).

 

Because if you knew you could be happier with your high school sweetheart in the longrun even though you are happy with your current partner, common sense knows that people deep down inside wants the best of the best. That is why it is called the "best". But you use your morals and empathy to convince yourself it is better to stay with your current partner, which you could of used those same reasons with whomever you are with, whether your current SO be Billy, Johnny, or Sammy.

 

Look, fact is, no matter how happy you are with your SO, till the day you die there is ALWAYS someone smarter, better, hotter, etc. - than your SO.

 

Thing is, you can't let that make you just drop your SO and chase everything else - regardless of the possibility that you may find something/someone better.

 

But, if you "think" you're happy with your SO - yet other people are getting your attention to the point you consider dropping your SO, then either you're in denial about your "happiness" with your SO and need to figure out what's lacking in your SO (ie lazy, bad in bed) and/or you (you get ego boosts from flirting, need excitement)...and work on what's lacking instead of trying to jump onto another person besides your SO.

 

I mean so what if you run into your HS sweetheart and she's looking good. How the heck do you know if she looks that good cuz she's a sugar baby? How do you know if she's on pills? How do you know if she's not raising her kids right? If we could assess people by walking down the street and running into them then we wouldn't need dating, just go outside, pick anyone and it'll work. Again, you keep on limereaing about a total stranger just cuz you spent time with them in high school and ran into them years later. You gotta take the time to get to know them again on their current state to see if they're even worth it - especially if you already have a SO.

 

Responding to this made me exhausted...I'm taking a break

[Got it]

But hear me out:

 

I think you can choose to invest yourself in somebody emotionally, yet know deep down inside their are more desirable outcomes. I think we confuse committing to someone and really genuinely having feelings towards someone.

 

For example, what if you are married for 20-something years and are happy in your relationship. One day, you and your high school sweetheart run into each other. You are overwhelmed with memories and nostalgia. Your high school sweetheart is even more attractive than ever. You remember as a kid having that desire to marry him or her and you know deep down inside if you got back with your high school sweetheart successfully, it would make for the sweetest love story ever.

 

But, your conscience hits you like a ton of bricks. You realize you are married and are already happy and you couldn't leave and betray your husband/wife like that. You start to convince yourself that love is better when you accept what you have in the moment (but you know deep down inside you have feelings for your old flame still).

 

Because if you knew you could be happier with your high school sweetheart in the longrun even though you are happy with your current partner, common sense knows that people deep down inside wants the best of the best. That is why it is called the "best". But you use your morals and empathy to convince yourself it is better to stay with your current partner, which you could of used those same reasons with whomever you are with, whether your current SO be Billy, Johnny, or Sammy.

 

No. No. No. No. No. NO.

 

Sigh.

[Rejected Rosebud]

No. No. No. No. No. NO.

 

Sigh.

Where is the headbaning smiley?

[loverage21]

No. No. No. No. No. NO.

 

Sigh.

 

Really, I don't know how to convey what I am really thinking. I am trying to map it out but I am still missing pieces of what I am trying to describe.

 

 

It's FRUSTRATING

[Els]

Really, I don't know how to convey what I am really thinking. I am trying to map it out but I am still missing pieces of what I am trying to describe.

 

 

It's FRUSTRATING

 

How about instead of this, you tell us about what went on with you and that unrequited teenage love of yours, and we offer you some tailored advice instead? Because really, it just sounds like you're projecting.

[Imajerk17]

Loverage21, I really think you should print out all your threads and show them to your counselor. Your obsession on this topic is not only extremely tedious but it is also quite alarming.

 

The kindest thing moderation could do is ban you. You clearly need help beyond the scope of this forum.

 

People move on completely from their first loves all the time. And there are plenty of people who happen to marry their first loves and fall out of love and separate and divorce. There are many many such threads here in the Breakup, Separation and Infidelity subforums.

Edited January 13, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Rejected Rosebud]

Really, I don't know how to convey what I am really thinking. I am trying to map it out but I am still missing pieces of what I am trying to describe.

 

 

It's FRUSTRATING

I sense your frustration. But trust me. We ALL get what you are trying to convey. You post about the exact same topic over and over again.

 

Why can't YOU get that nobody here (at least that I've read) agrees with you?

[Woggle]

It certainly isn't an illuson for us and we didn't meet in high school. I took a nice girl to my prom and we had a great time but I haven't seen her since she left for college back in 97.

[Gloria25]

I sense your frustration. But trust me. We ALL get what you are trying to convey. You post about the exact same topic over and over again.

 

Why can't YOU get that nobody here (at least that I've read) agrees with you?

 

Also, when we find agreeance with you....you also shut it down.

 

So, you post about it over and over without making up your mind either way so, how can we help you here? You argue with anyone who disagrees, yet when we agree you counter it...so, at a lost here on what advice you're looking for.

 

At the end of the day it's poop or get off the pot. Make s decision and stick with it. All this rehashing it over and over is driving you mad. At least by making a decison, you have finality.

 

So here's your decison(s)

 

1-Since you believe HS sweethearts are pure and only true love, go back to your HS sweetheart and date her; or let it go and move on to opening up yourself to the reality that by obsessing about high school, you're going to miss out on a meeting someone who could provide you with the love, excitement, etc that you crave and "thought" you had in high school.

 

2-Date Alexa and stop looking over your shoulder to see if her HS sweetheart is gonna pop out of the sky to swoop her away; or, don't date Alexa - since you believe that you can never measure up to her HS sweetheart.

 

See how simple this is?

 

Regardless of what decision you make, don't be impulsive and rash....Let's say you agree in #1 to look up your HS sweetheart. Well, TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW HER. Don't move her in, don't propose marriage, don't knock her up and don't leave your SO until you took 1 1/2 to 2 years of "dating" her (well, being her close friend if you are with a SO); and, for #2, the only way you're gonna know if Alexa wants you or an ex is to "date" Alexa for 1 1/2 to 2 years....

 

Please, make a decison and implement it or let this go...for your mental health and/or talk to a professional about your impulsive and obsessive mindset.

[loverage21]

Also, when we find agreeance with you....you also shut it down.

 

So, you post about it over and over without making up your mind either way so, how can we help you here? You argue with anyone who disagrees, yet when we agree you counter it...so, at a lost here on what advice you're looking for.

 

At the end of the day it's poop or get off the pot. Make s decision and stick with it. All this rehashing it over and over is driving you mad. At least by making a decison, you have finality.

 

So here's your decison(s)

 

1-Since you believe HS sweethearts are pure and only true love, go back to your HS sweetheart and date her; or let it go and move on to opening up yourself to the reality that by obsessing about high school, you're going to miss out on a meeting someone who could provide you with the love, excitement, etc that you crave and "thought" you had in high school.

 

2-Date Alexa and stop looking over your shoulder to see if her HS sweetheart is gonna pop out of the sky to swoop her away; or, don't date Alexa - since you believe that you can never measure up to her HS sweetheart.

 

See how simple this is?

 

Regardless of what decision you make, don't be impulsive and rash....Let's say you agree in #1 to look up your HS sweetheart. Well, TAKE THE TIME TO GET TO KNOW HER. Don't move her in, don't propose marriage, don't knock her up and don't leave your SO until you took 1 1/2 to 2 years of "dating" her (well, being her close friend if you are with a SO); and, for #2, the only way you're gonna know if Alexa wants you or an ex is to "date" Alexa for 1 1/2 to 2 years....

 

Please, make a decison and implement it or let this go...for your mental health and/or talk to a professional about your impulsive and obsessive mindset.

 

For the last time, I have NEVER had a high school sweetheart and never even had a girlfriend before. Never been serious with a girl.

 

I have only had sex. That is going to be a different thread.

[Gloria25]

For the last time, I have NEVER had a high school sweetheart and never even had a girlfriend before. Never been serious with a girl.

 

I have only had sex. That is going to be a different thread.

 

Why are you putting on a pedestal meaningless sex with a teenager?

 

Ever consider that you to have/had no connection whatsoever besides you having sex?

 

People of all ages made the mistake that you did...it's called "lust, enfatuation, hornies".

 

So, no, there's no chance with you and this girl and quite frankly, maybe someone needs to grow up, cuz placing so much value on a girl cuz of sex and good times doesn't make for a lasting, real, connection and relationship. Quite frankly, if I were a guy I wouldn't place any interest and value in a teenager, girl, or woman who trolls online until she meets a stranger (yes, no matter how many pre-visit chats you had, you're still a stranger) and gives up herself to him. I mean, she either/and/or has serious problems at home (where's her parents to not monitor her online and offline activities?) and/or who she opens her legs up to is so "casual". She probably has more notches on her pantyliners at 18 than I do approaching 40.

 

But, this says a lot about someone who preys on naive and young. Usually means that they can't handle dating a real woman fear rejection, so resort to women/girls who are wet behind the ears (naive) that they think will look up to them and that they can control. But one day those naive girls get worldly and you'll be toast.

 

So please, seek some counseling and deal with your insecurities. Go to the gym, work on your appearance, self-esteem and go date some real and respectable women - not girls.

 

Good luck...

[Got it]

Really, I don't know how to convey what I am really thinking. I am trying to map it out but I am still missing pieces of what I am trying to describe.

 

 

It's FRUSTRATING

 

You have conveyed it. You are frustrated because you are trying to spin it in some manner so we will agree with you and we won't. I have LITERALLY lived the scenario you keep trying to play out and I keep telling you my experience does not line up.

 

But you keep trying to make it so we will agree with your rigid mindset and it isn't going to happen.

[preraph]

You bring your love to a relationship and you can take it with you when you leave and use it on someone else. Just always remember that. It's not some third entity. It came from you.