Let's talk about Infidelity, EA, PA etc.

[RySant]

Okay, this is not a post about a specific scenario where I will ask people for help. This is more of a thread where we can be honest and absolute with our opinions and beliefs.

 

Let's talk about cheating, infidelity and such.

 

Why do people engage in it?

Why do some people do it despite having a healthy and loving relationship?

Why can't people understand that infidelity and cheating is one of the worst things they can do to their significant person?

How can some people have that capability to hurt another person?

 

This is not just a simple mistake. Being emotionally killed by discovering the love of your life falling in love with another person, having sex with another person, is SOUL CRUSHING (and still people see this description as hyperbole)

 

I am disturbed by all articles or news who claims that more than 50% of total marriages in America divorced and the largest and the most quoted reason are cheating, infidelity etc etc.

 

What happened to marriage? what happened to upholding vows? I am a mid-20s guy who is very shocked with all the things that is happening in the real world. It's as if I ask myself "Why did promises of love ended with lies, cheats and deceits??"

 

I can't tolerate infidelity at all. When I love, I love wholeheartedly, and I have strong moral values in terms of fulfilling promises, sticking by the person I chose, fidelity, trust, love, commitment, security.... I am very willing to give all these.

 

But I am weak in terms of being cheated on, lied to, making a fool of me, gaslighting etc etc. so I know that I will be emotionally wrecked and might even die of a heartbreak if some of the stories in this forum ever happened to me.

 

But I guess my greatest concern and question for all of you guys here:

 

Is it really time to accept that cheating/infidelity will always be a part of one's life? I mean, we all promote monogamy, trust, love, security etc. but almost everyone is not upholding these values.

 

I just don't know. Maybe I am different, or stupid or silly but I just can't plunge into this society and date and expect love and security and trust but be eventually hurt because the guy at my back might be screwing my significant other.

 

Sigh....

[TaraMaiden2]

Okay, this is not a post about a specific scenario where I will ask people for help. This is more of a thread where we can be honest and absolute with our opinions and beliefs.

 

Let's talk about cheating, infidelity and such.

 

Why do people engage in it?

Because bottom line, they want to.

 

Why do some people do it despite having a healthy and loving relationship?

We're mammals. Virtually no mammal is PROGRAMMED to be monogamous. And, if your protest is anything to go by, do they REALLY have a 'healthy and loving relationship'...?

Why can't people understand that infidelity and cheating is one of the worst things they can do to their significant person?

It's not. That's a basic human conditioned emotion, cultivated by the person themselves. It's subjective.

 

 

How can some people have that capability to hurt another person?

That's not the primary intention. The primary intention is personal gratification.

 

This is not just a simple mistake. Being emotionally killed by discovering the love of your life falling in love with another person, having sex with another person, is SOUL CRUSHING (and still people see this description as hyperbole)

Again, this is subjective. It depends on the person and situation as to how hard this hits.

 

I am disturbed by all articles or news who claims that more than 50% of total marriages in America divorced and the largest and the most quoted reason are cheating, infidelity etc etc.

Not just America. It's prevalent in most Western societies.

 

What happened to marriage? what happened to upholding vows? I am a mid-20s guy who is very shocked with all the things that is happening in the real world. It's as if I ask myself "Why did promises of love ended with lies, cheats and deceits??"

You're connecting an emotional conditioning to a programmed instinct. The two aren't necessarily compatible.

 

I can't tolerate infidelity at all. When I love, I love wholeheartedly, and I have strong moral values in terms of fulfilling promises, sticking by the person I chose, fidelity, trust, love, commitment, security.... I am very willing to give all these.

That's good. You've been conditioned in a very strong way. Not everyone has benefitted from the same conditioning or influence. But you're talking about it from an emotional subjective standpoint. You have to acknowledge that everyone is a human mammal, and everyone is different.

 

But I am weak in terms of being cheated on, lied to, making a fool of me, gaslighting etc etc. so I know that I will be emotionally wrecked and might even die of a heartbreak if some of the stories in this forum ever happened to me.

Perhaps it's time to re-evaluate what your conditioning has done to you. It has severely restrained and stunted your sense of adventure, exploration and enjoyment of life in general, via a societal proclivity.

 

But I guess my greatest concern and question for all of you guys here:

 

Is it really time to accept that cheating/infidelity will always be a part of one's life? I mean, we all promote monogamy, trust, love, security etc. but almost everyone is not upholding these values.

No indeed. You have to ask yourself, not why you hold those values, but why others don't. And it's not necessarily a question of right and/or wrong here....

Infidelity, cheating, having multiple partners is nothing new. History is riddled with the famous, infamous and not-so-famous having tumultuous and varied affairs...

 

I just don't know. Maybe I am different, or stupid or silly but I just can't plunge into this society and date and expect love and security and trust but be eventually hurt because the guy at my back might be screwing my significant other.

Or she may be doing that. Don't put all the responsibility onto the shoulders of 'the guy at your back'. It takes 2 to tango.....

[PegNosePete]

Why do people engage in it?

Because they want to.

Why do some people do it despite having a healthy and loving relationship?

Because they want to.

Why can't people understand that infidelity and cheating is one of the worst things they can do to their significant person?

Often they do, but they don't care, or think they will never be caught.

How can some people have that capability to hurt another person?

They just do, same as some people have the capacity for murder, robbery, slaughter, bombing.

 

we all promote monogamy, trust, love, security etc. but almost everyone is not upholding these values.

How do you know almost everyone is not upholding these values? Where is your data for this?

[GunslingerRoland]

When you say what happened to marriage, don't get hung up on the "good old days". In the old days you got married young and you married for life. There was no divorce. People still cheated. And there was often a lot of abuse in households. So the divorce rate was 0 but marriages weren't happy. The second divorce became an option people divorced in mass numbers because marriages were crappy....

 

 

So what happened, generations saw their parents and grandparents divorce and adjusted. That is why divorce rates are dropping. People are getting married older, making better choices and divorce rates are dropping.

 

 

Infidelity still happens? Why? There are a lot of reasons as I'm sure you know. Physical needs, especially when the sex dries up in the marriage. Emotional needs, especially when the romance dries up in the marriage. And just the fact that life is long and marriage takes a lot of work. For 99% of the times humans have been on this earth our life expectancy has been under 30. And people worked from morning till night to survive.

 

 

Now the world is different we live until our 80's and we have tons of free time. If you marry the wrong person, or if the person you marry changes, it makes the vows difficult. And people are inherently selfish.

 

 

So as a young person what can you do? Marry the right person for the right reasons, treat them right. Don't withhold your love or your sexuality from them. And hope they don't do the same to you. And work at that marriage everyday. It won't guarantee no cheating or no divorce. But it's the path to it.

[HereNorThere]

Your numbers are skewed buddy. Slightly less than 50% marriages end in divorce, but most studies put cheating partners @ 19% for women and 23% for men. So you still have some pretty decent odds considering how messed up people are.

 

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/publications/PDF/Infidelity%20in%20hetero%20couples.pdf

 

People cheat for some many reasons. Some people are just genetically more likely to engage in risk taking and novelty behaviors, some are never satisfied, some are just selfish, some are in really crappy relationships and their partner won't let them leave without creating massive havoc in their life and the worst have genuine personality disorders that effect their capacity for empathy.

 

Learn what to what to watch out for and protect yourself, but remember that the majority of people do not cheat. Nothing in life worth pursuing is without risk. You just need to have the confidence to know that you can handle whatever life throws your way.

Edited January 15, 2016 by HereNorThere

[Lois_Griffin]

.....but most studies put cheating partners @ 19% for women and 23% for men.

Those numbers cant be very accurate unless they took every adult on earth, hooked them up to a polygraph test, and made them spill their guts.

 

At best, these numbers are conservative because they only reflect those who were willing to admit it - whether it was anonymously or not. And we all know how cheaters lie, don't we?