Why is is so hard to give someone closure?

[rmo2380]

I have a question. Why is is so hard to give someone closure? I mean I havent had any closure from my ex who dumped me two and half monthes ago. She dumped me from a two yr relationship, because she didnt know if I was right for her. Which is fine I have gotten on with my life in the aspect of knowing I cant be with her. She insisted we would be friends but yet everytime we talk which isnt very much its feels like we are strangers. I have tried the no contact but she will email me and I always break it and email her back. When we were together we loved each other and she was my best friend. I understand its hard being friends with an ex. I just dont get how come she wont give me closure now. I believe if she gave me closure I think we could be happier that way. And I think there would be a chance we could be friends because both of us would understand our roles. I have asked her to give me some closure but she wont do it? I wanna move on but feel like I cant because she wont give me any closure. I am sick of living my life on hope to be honest. Everywhere I look I see her and have hope we will get back together. But to me hope is false advertising. Its like a dream to me. Its like ya are sleeping and having a great dream and wake up and its over and reality hits ya all over again knowing your still a lone. Hope is way different from the truth because we have so much hope but yet hope sucks because it hides the truth and prolongs the whole healing process. I just want closure and dont understand after a couple monthes she wont give it to me. She always says she wishes it were that easy. To me theres phases in the whole healing process. One is shock, two is acceptiing reality. and three is closure. I am between the accepting reality phase and closure phase. But she is prolonging my healing process. and I dont get it.

 

I am sorry if I sound like I am whining I just dont understand why its so hard to give me closure. Why do people make it harder than it needs to be?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Her own meager needs for you are more important to her than your need to be rid of her so you can move on. She doesn't want to give you closure, because she doesn't see the importance of it for herself. Selfish really. Dumpers keep the dumpee around for a variety of reasons: rarely the ones the dumpee wants to be kept around for and since the dumpee allows themselves to be used like that - the dumper sees no reason to cut the dumpee loose as long as said dumpee knows and keeps his/her place and adheres to the new 'friend' boundaries. As soon as the dumpee becomes more trouble than its worth, then the dumpee will finally get his/her closure: but only because the dumper got tired of having to deal with the dumpee and cut them loose - not because the dumper has the dumpee's best interests in mind. She doesn't care enough about you to let you go so that you can move on with your life.

 

If you want some closure, then you'll have to provide it yourself by going back to a solid 'no contact' in which you change your email address, block her IM's, texts, block her phone number, if she sends you something in the mail, mark it 'return to sender' unopened - basically finding every possible way she could contact you, and then preventing her from doing so.

[moon]

I keep reminding myself that sometimes closure can take a long time to get. With one of my exes it really did take me a couple years to get over. It took me to find somebody new to finally forget about him. But still I always wondered about this ex. I heard he got married about three years after we broke up. I wondered about so many things about him for a long period of time. I had some old friends who told me a few things about him, which helped, but I just was sort of stuck on him.

 

Today I am totally over the guy and have been for a long time. But it's funny because if I type in his name into google he's got his own whole album of pictures online. I can see exactly where he ended up, who he married, how many kids he has. I totally get that our lives were not meant to be together. I thought that guy was the one for me.......I really did. But he wasn't. My closure from that relationship came slowly over a period of a few years. And now I have no questions about who he is today. Or that I should not be with him.

 

Let's just face it. If you really love somebody and the two of you break up, it takes a while for all the pieces to really fall into place. It's really hard when you are in the thick of things to figure everything out. You're still going to miss them. If your ex left you for somebody else I think all your ex is really feeling is...hey I like hanging around this new person. That's about the extent of it. While dumpees search and wonder why......the ex is probably just out having a good time with somebody new. Sooner or later the ex usually realizes that they can't just replace people; the honeymoon period will end; the new girlfriend/boyfriend will realize if they cheated with your ex, they'll probably get cheated on..........etc.---trust will be minimal. But still you might not hear from that ex ever again. So closure sometimes just takes time. It would be nice to get a laundry list of why somebody did this and that to you, but would it really make sense to hear it anyway? I've noticed closure takes a while to get---and there is pain in waiting. But one way or another, believe me, you'll get it, but it might take strides on your part to understand. You might meet the woman of your dreams in six months and then you'll get it. But I know the pain in waiting.......But sooner or later I think it always makes sense. Just like a lot of things in life. Maybe you had a really good job opportunity once and you didn't get it and for a long time your moarned it.......wondering why, why, why?? But then months down the road you get an even better job and then it all makes sense to you. So sit back and relax if you can. Justice is patient, but it does not forget----one of my favorite quotes.