Having a change of heart about my LDR

[flossie123]

Hi everyone, sorry this is long. I just kind of needed to vent, but I'd love some advice if anyone has any.

 

I met my LDR boyfriend in August, and we became really close friends before admitting we liked each other in October, but agreed we would keep it casual until meeting. We met for the first time in November, and had a lovely time together. He asked me to be his girlfriend before he left.

 

However, over the course of our time talking, our communication has always been a bit up and down. Lately, it's slowly been dwindling to the point where we barely talk. At the moment, it's the worst it's ever been, and I've sort of reached my limit with it. I'm upset and frustrated, and ultimately it's led to me beginning to have a real change of heart about the whole thing.

 

He'll happily read my messages (texting/instant messaging is the best method for us to talk due to the fact that I'm very busy during the day with my university commitments) and ignore them for 10+ hours (or sometimes even 2-3 days) while being active on social media.

 

I've had multiple conversations about it with him, pointing out how it makes me feel and reminding him of how he's felt when I haven't replied to him. It feels like he's playing games with me in a way, and I just don't have the time or patience to be messed around. Every time we talk about it, I keep calm and collected and he promises to make more of an effort. The last time we spoke, he realised how much of an effect it was having on me and my feelings and made more of an effort for about 3 days before relapsing.

 

I just don't really understand why he does it, as he admitted he has no reason for it other than that he's not very chatty over message, but he forgets that I can see everything he's posting on my feeds. We never Skype or anything anymore because he can't seem to put aside the time to do it, so we don't really ever have time devoted just to catching up with each other. I know he's busy, and I want him to have his own life, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking for one message a day - or for a reply that isn't 10 hours later and 5 words long.

 

I'm meant to be visiting him in his country in 2 weeks, and I just don't know if I want to go on this trip anymore. There isn't anything to this relationship, or whatever the hell it is, if we don't talk. I'm tempted to go to have a sit down talk with him, but I don't know what the use is if we've been talking for nearly 6 months and it's already like this. I'll have to meet his friends, which will put a lot of pressure on me and on the situation, and I'm at breaking point with the whole thing because I can't keep wondering where I am with him when he's telling me one thing and his actions show me another. I'm always making the effort to talk, but I'm finding it difficult to write to him when I just feel so low about the whole thing. I'm staying busy with my friends and with school, but I would appreciate some support from him as school is very stressful for me at the moment.

 

I guess I'm just looking for advice on what I should do and how I should handle the situation. The difficult thing is that he's the one who bought me the plane tickets a few weeks ago, and I don't want to disappoint him. Any help would be very much appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

If you don't want to go, reimburse him for the cost of the ticket & stay home. Failing to pay him back when you are the one who called things off is unethical IMO.

[flossie123]

If you don't want to go, reimburse him for the cost of the ticket & stay home. Failing to pay him back when you are the one who called things off is unethical IMO.

 

I haven't called it off as yet.. Part of me still wants to hold out, to see if he'll change, but maybe I'm being foolish.

 

Of course I would give him the money for it, I wouldn't let him pay for a wasted ticket

[bluefeather]

I can't stand in when people act that way. Feels very neglected and I will bring it up in serious discussions. If it came back I will bring it up again and it would probably turn into a serious argument. If it happens yet again, there's only so much I can take... It sounds like you're doing what you can in expressing the issue.

[TMichaels]

Go see him and have a serious conversation indicating that while you'd like to continue to be his girlfriend the current level of communication isn't cutting it.

 

Identify a couple of ways (not an endless list) that will make you happy, then go home and see how it goes. If things don't improve or improve, then taper off again, then be frank and up-front that the relationship isn't working for you so you're moving on.

 

Then DO IT as opposed to hanging in there, settling for crumbs, and believing something is better than nothing which seems to be the mindset of a lot of the people who come to this forum to get advice.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Lois_Griffin]

What's the point in continuing this masquerade?

 

 

So you can have a text and Skype 'relationship' along with a couple of real-time visits thrown in over the year?

 

 

What's the point?

 

 

What does it accomplish?

 

 

Is that how you want to spend your life, shutting yourself in every weekend and devoting yourself to someone via text or video chat? Such a pointless waste of someone's time.

 

 

Pull this debacle off life support and give it the mercy killing it deserves. Go meet someone you can actually spend time with face to face and build an actual relationship with.

[flossie123]

What's the point in continuing this masquerade?

 

 

So you can have a text and Skype 'relationship' along with a couple of real-time visits thrown in over the year?

 

 

What's the point?

 

 

What does it accomplish?

 

 

Is that how you want to spend your life, shutting yourself in every weekend and devoting yourself to someone via text or video chat? Such a pointless waste of someone's time.

 

 

Pull this debacle off life support and give it the mercy killing it deserves. Go meet someone you can actually spend time with face to face and build an actual relationship with.

 

We see each other once a month, usually, and I make sure I'm never sitting around at home at the weekends I don't let myself miss out just because he's far away. I think that's why I'm able to cope with what's going on, to be honest.

 

I do understand what you're saying, though, and I know it's something I have to consider. I appreciate your response!

[flossie123]

Go see him and have a serious conversation indicating that while you'd like to continue to be his girlfriend the current level of communication isn't cutting it.

 

Identify a couple of ways (not an endless list) that will make you happy, then go home and see how it goes. If things don't improve or improve, then taper off again, then be frank and up-front that the relationship isn't working for you so you're moving on.

 

Then DO IT as opposed to hanging in there, settling for crumbs, and believing something is better than nothing which seems to be the mindset of a lot of the people who come to this forum to get advice.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I was thinking along the lines of doing the same thing, as I mentioned in my post.

 

The only things I've asked him to do are to message me once a day to let me know he's okay, and to not leave it 2+ days (if he can help it) to respond to me. I don't think these are unreasonable things to ask for, as I don't put any other demands on him at all.

 

I do think that if he doesn't improve, I will be walking away as it's just not possible to continue building or sustaining a relationship - particularly an LDR - with next to no communication. I'm not scared to walk away from it, despite how I feel about him. I have a good support system and a busy life at college that would keep me going if things were to come to an end.

 

Thanks again for your help!

[privategal]

Hi everyone, sorry this is long. I just kind of needed to vent, but I'd love some advice if anyone has any.

 

I met my LDR boyfriend in August, and we became really close friends before admitting we liked each other in October, but agreed we would keep it casual until meeting. We met for the first time in November, and had a lovely time together. He asked me to be his girlfriend before he left.

 

However, over the course of our time talking, our communication has always been a bit up and down. Lately, it's slowly been dwindling to the point where we barely talk. At the moment, it's the worst it's ever been, and I've sort of reached my limit with it. I'm upset and frustrated, and ultimately it's led to me beginning to have a real change of heart about the whole thing.

 

He'll happily read my messages (texting/instant messaging is the best method for us to talk due to the fact that I'm very busy during the day with my university commitments) and ignore them for 10+ hours (or sometimes even 2-3 days) while being active on social media.

 

I've had multiple conversations about it with him, pointing out how it makes me feel and reminding him of how he's felt when I haven't replied to him. It feels like he's playing games with me in a way, and I just don't have the time or patience to be messed around. Every time we talk about it, I keep calm and collected and he promises to make more of an effort. The last time we spoke, he realised how much of an effect it was having on me and my feelings and made more of an effort for about 3 days before relapsing.

 

I just don't really understand why he does it, as he admitted he has no reason for it other than that he's not very chatty over message, but he forgets that I can see everything he's posting on my feeds. We never Skype or anything anymore because he can't seem to put aside the time to do it, so we don't really ever have time devoted just to catching up with each other. I know he's busy, and I want him to have his own life, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking for one message a day - or for a reply that isn't 10 hours later and 5 words long.

 

I'm meant to be visiting him in his country in 2 weeks, and I just don't know if I want to go on this trip anymore. There isn't anything to this relationship, or whatever the hell it is, if we don't talk. I'm tempted to go to have a sit down talk with him, but I don't know what the use is if we've been talking for nearly 6 months and it's already like this. I'll have to meet his friends, which will put a lot of pressure on me and on the situation, and I'm at breaking point with the whole thing because I can't keep wondering where I am with him when he's telling me one thing and his actions show me another. I'm always making the effort to talk, but I'm finding it difficult to write to him when I just feel so low about the whole thing. I'm staying busy with my friends and with school, but I would appreciate some support from him as school is very stressful for me at the moment.

 

I guess I'm just looking for advice on what I should do and how I should handle the situation. The difficult thing is that he's the one who bought me the plane tickets a few weeks ago, and I don't want to disappoint him. Any help would be very much appreciated.

 

 

Go on the trip, have a face to face talk. Decide together whether you want to go on trying and want to be there for eachother, or whether its run its course and you need to part ways. It will be better to talk in person, explain your needs, get his, and go from there.

You don't HAVE to meet his friends, you can either tell him your not ready, or you can also just meet them and not make a big deal of it. Don't overthink it you might enjoy it. Why not just sit back, collect your thoughts, breathe, remember he has stress, a life too, and is trying to maybe gather his thoughts on where he is at with everything.

Maybe in these next few weeks, let him initiate, and be polite and friendly when he does. If he doesn't, try not to get to upset and allow some space and time.

You don't HAVE to just be happy with it, if it isn't meeting your needs, it just isn't. But right now...your in a new transition and its either going to get better or fail. So take a little step back and don't try to have complicated, heavy emotional conversations about your relationship now. JUst think, I will see him in a few weeks, we can talk, we will both have a better sense of where were heading right now and stop analyzing.

Once you take your mind off it a bit, your emotions and thoughts might be less chaotic and stressful. Put more energy into your school and friends right now. Don't write him or expect much right at the moment.

He knows you aren't exactly happy, so give him some time to think it over, miss you, and maybe reach out.

Show him you are more patient and understanding and complement him more when he is doing the things that make you happy.

Just focus on your classes now and things will work out the way they are supposed to with you two but you cant press it or force it right now.

Everyone just take a breather without being dramatic or stating it just shhhhh. relaaxxxxx

[justwhoiam]

Stop contacting him for the remaining 2 weeks. See what happens. When you go there, act distant. He will realize what it takes to keep communication flowing and not having you feeling distant. Then start a real, serious conversation with him, while being there in person with him.