steenerz Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 So the last time i saw the bf was friday morning after he dropped me off at home...then we talked on the phone last night...i suggested we go see a movie...and he didn't say yes but he was like "oh we can go at so and so time," so i assumed we were going...then he wanted to watch the basketball game on tv last night...we haven't seen each other since friday, and i REALLY hate going for more than a day without seeing him...we were long distance for 9 months (college), i think i deserve and have the right to want to see him almost everyday...anyway then last night on the phone he said he'd wake up early in time today to go to church with me...he didn't promise me, but the way he said it was def. like one....of course i call him this morning and he's still sleeping, and said he was going back to sleep and skipping church. I am FUMING right now. Do I have a right to be this mad or am i overreacting??? I feel so unimportant...he said we can go to a movie after i get off of work tonight...but I freaking suggested this! shouldn't he feel like he has to make it up to me???? I REALLY want to talk to him about this without me nagging to him....ALKEFHL AJHDFLAWEJHROA 3HALUHFEO9&^(#&$^(&@^#(& i am soooo MAD RIGHT NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 He is reacting to the pressure you are putting on him to force your relationship into a new and unfamiliar context. A LDR doesn't just magically turn into a real 24/7 relationship overnight. He isn't used to seeing you every day. He has his own life, his own patterns, his own friends - and he has no intention of replacing them with you, nor should he be obligated to. He sounds a good deal more independent than you do. Maybe you should find things to fill your life and time as well, instead of making him your life. He is making it pretty clear that you are not welcome to do that. Yes, he can make time for you - and he could be more considerate in his ways that he has avoided having to spend enforced time with you. I think you have a right to be upset with his being inconsiderate. But... I expect he finds standing you up, or backing out at the last minute easier than dealing with having to explain to you that he doesn't want to spend every day with you. I think now he will go out of his way not to spend time with you, because he may be afraid that you intend to monopolize his life and time and replace everything in it with you. You'll have to convince him that you don't intend to do that, and you have to mean it. You will have to present yourself as a welcome addition to his life, not a replacement for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steenerz Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 i do have a problem with making him my life...one beceasue my friends are never available...and my mother and i have not been on good terms lately...and as for him...he is always there to talk to (cuz he doesn't do anything!!) i think that if he didn't want to hang out with me, he'd say so. When he doesn't want to talk to me, he flat out tells me, "K, i don't want to talk." I don't want to monopolize his life, and i honestly don't think he feels taht way, at least in this situation. What I'm truly mad about is that he can't keep his word...and now i'm afraid i won't be able to ever... Link to post Share on other sites
Jennifer'sSecret Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Let me get this straight. You haven't seen him since Friday, and you were pissed last night that you didn't spend time with him...when you were pissed, it had been, what, 24 hours since you last saw him? You think you have a right to see him that often?? And now it's only been 48 hours since you saw him and you are XJHXHXHJXKJKDKSKDAKDA mad at him?????? Girl, you are going to BURN HIM OUT if you demand that much time from him. Pressuring a guy for anything - time, affection, sex, treats, vacations, anything - is a no-win situation. Plus, don't you want him to want to be with you as opposed to spending time with you out of obligation?? Take a step back and let him come to you and ask you do to something, go somewhere, come over, whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steenerz Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by Jennifer'sSecret Let me get this straight. You haven't seen him since Friday, and you were pissed last night that you didn't spend time with him...when you were pissed, it had been, what, 24 hours since you last saw him? You think you have a right to see him that often?? And now it's only been 48 hours since you saw him and you are XJHXHXHJXKJKDKSKDAKDA mad at him?????? Girl, you are going to BURN HIM OUT if you demand that much time from him. Pressuring a guy for anything - time, affection, sex, treats, vacations, anything - is a no-win situation. Plus, don't you want him to want to be with you as opposed to spending time with you out of obligation?? Take a step back and let him come to you and ask you do to something, go somewhere, come over, whatever. what i'm REALLY mad is that he didn't keep his word. and of course i want HIM to be with me and HIM to ask me...but he never does anything...all he wants to do is sit in front of the computer or tv and play games...i'm not joking...he can do this ALL day. Link to post Share on other sites
Pendawn Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Firstly my opinion on "breaking his word", IMO He's not breaking his word because he's not GIVING his word. I think guys in general - and I don't wish to sound sexist here, Just think it's a male/female thing - don't seem to be great at planning stuff. Every guy i know calls his buddies practicaly 30 mins before they want to do something, and say "hey want to go shoot some pool?". That is forward planning to guys. They don't get that when we say "shall we go see a movie tomorrow?" and he says "yeah that might be cool." that THAT is a definite plan to us, but to them it's a vague idea in the there which may or may not come to fruition. They may totally forget it was ever mentoined, or they may just think it wasn't that important nad if they change plans, no big deal. To me, the secret in delaing with this is not getting mad at the guy for changing his plans, but to let him know when you make plans with him those plans are IMPORTANT to you and if he chanmges plans he needs to a) let you know as far in advance as possible and b) understand that you will feel somewhat hurt and rejected. A guy can't change his behaviour if he isn't aware that something which isn't that important to him, IS important to you. Secondly, if he never wants to amke plans with you, as you said in your last post, it could just be that he's not the guy fro you. if it gets you this mad that he wants to play video games and watch Tv all day and you wnat to be making plans nad doing things with him every day, it may just never work out. I think you shoudl ahve a sit down with him, tell him what you expect form the relationship and find out what he expects/wants, and see if the two of you can work out a compromise. (eg you promise not to be at him to do stuff a couple of days a week, where you leave him to his own devices to do as he pleases, and he commits to once or twice a week havign confirmed dates to DO stuff with you which he understands are important to you and he needs to not flake out on them) Link to post Share on other sites
Author steenerz Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 thanks guys. this morning when i did talk to him, i kinda hung up on him (i didn't say bye back) i told him to call me after he got up...and i know he had to be somewhere at 2...so i called him around 145 and he didn't answer...does that mean something? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 It means you will want to strongly reconsider trying to push for what you want from him so hard, or else you may find he's available less and less... and you'll be getting that "I need space" pre-breakup talk. Link to post Share on other sites
crazy_grl Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by steenerz thanks guys. this morning when i did talk to him, i kinda hung up on him (i didn't say bye back) i told him to call me after he got up...and i know he had to be somewhere at 2...so i called him around 145 and he didn't answer...does that mean something? It could mean that your conversation was confrontational and that he was justifiably not looking forward to speaking to you again and bringing himself down before he went where ever he had to go for the day. From you hanging up on him, it sounds like it could have been. Or it could be that he got up late and was rushing to get to where he needed to go and didn't have time to call you. Just wait and let him call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steenerz Posted June 5, 2005 Author Share Posted June 5, 2005 i guess i have skewed view on relationships...most couples i know are with their SOs all the time...they do everything together....so therefore i feel like mine really isn't a relationship if that isn't true for me... he is also my first real boyfriend...so i am learning a lot...and have a lot of learning to do... Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 With your attitude, he won't be your last boyfriend. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. I see him alone ONCE a week. ONCE. I see him in a group-like setting once a week as well. The last time I saw him alone he was pissy, so it was hardly quality alone time. You're going to drive him away if you don't stop. I GUARANTEE it. Unless you're married, you don't have a right to expect him to spend almost every day with you. That's crazy. If I had to spend almost every day with ANYone, especially someone who's always insecure and nagging, I'd run away. Honestly. If you can't handle that he doesn't want to spend so much time with you, then find someone else. Think about what you'd feel like if you couldn't see him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 all he wants to do is sit in front of the computer or tv and play games...i'm not joking...he can do this ALL day. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. I see him alone ONCE a week. ONCE. To you both: he's just not that into you. Sorry, people, but the idea of dating is to possibly marry in the future, no? If you're going out just to have a male body to accompany you places, then I suppose you see each other infrequently and that's fine. However, if you are dating with an eye to a permanent relationship, then you need someone who likes you and enjoys your company so much that he wants it often. Because, obviously, when you do marry, you're together a whole lot so you better darn well enjoy each other's company. So if someone prefers the computer or tv to spending time with you except rarely or if he does lots of other things and sees lots of other people and you only once in a while, then understand that you're not even really a girlfriend - other than that you're female and that you're a friend. Which is fine if that's all you want, but don't try to convince yourself it's enough if it's not. Instead, look for someone who likes your company enough that he wants it frequently. Otherwise, what's the point? Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme To you both: he's just not that into you. No, it's just that we're both really busy right now. He works different shifts every day, and I just graduated from college, taking 17 credits and getting straight A's. He calls me every night, without fail, and we talk for at least an hour. We'd see each other more often, but he lives 25 minutes away, so it's not terribly convenient. My point was that you don't have to see someone every day, especially if you haven't been dating them for a very long time. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Well you maybe don't have to see someone every day, but you have fairly close contact anyway. These other two don't seem to be in quite the same sort of situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 I think that's because she's pushing him. Expecting to see someone practically every day after dating for only nine months and having had problems as recently as last week? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Expecting to see someone practically every day after dating for only nine months 'only'? Anyway, all the reasons you can't see your bf are very different from the reasons this guy isn't available to see her. You and your bf talk all the time - I'm not hearing that from her. It's one thing having courses and exams and quite another having tv and video games. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 But what if it's a vicious circle? He wants to play the video games and watch TV all day to get away from her. In her other posts she's admitted to being nagging, insecure, and jealous. Maybe if she backed off a little he'd come around. When I was like that my boyfriend tended to ignore me more, but when I backed off and became more interested in myself, he came around. I just don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting to see your boyfriend/girlfriend every day. Yes, I actually believe it's ok to have your own life and do things without him. She wrote: most couples i know are with their SOs all the time...they do everything together....so therefore i feel like mine really isn't a relationship if that isn't true for me She's comparing her relationship to her perception of other people's relationships, and complaining because it doesn't seem to measure up! Every couple's relationship is different. It's not a competition. The last time she saw him was Friday morning. I'm sorry, but that's hardly neglectful of him. It's been TWO days since Friday. Hardly enough time to assume he's not into her. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 but he never does anything...all he wants to do is sit in front of the computer or tv and play games...i'm not joking...he can do this ALL day. I rest my case. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I rest my case. Oh yes, I forgot that posting on LS completely prohibits the ability to write anything that may be one-sided. Someone who plays video games and watches TV all day wouldn't spend any time at all with her, and from her current post and past posts it doesn't sound like he's neglectful as much as harrassed. Whenever anyone posts here, I know better than to take their words at face value. Anything anyone says is from THEIR perspective only. I'm curious to know what her boyfriend thinks. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 *sigh* T Your bf would prefer to be with you more often but can't. This dude could spend more time with this girl but won't. There is a difference. And I think that after 9 months, people should be willing to spend at least some more time together. She's nagging because she has the feeling he's not really eager to rush over and see her. She asked if they could go to a movie. He said sure. Then he changed his mind. Said he'd go to church with her. Then changed his mind. Yes, she needs to find other hobbies but that's not the whole of the issue, IMHO. And if dude wants time to himself so much, then he needs to say that in those words or to refuse her invitations flat out instead of agreeing to go and then reneging. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted June 5, 2005 Share Posted June 5, 2005 Actually, I don't know that my boyfriend wants to spend more time with me. I'm assuming, right now, that he's interested in me because he calls every night. I also don't want to assume that her boyfriend isn't into her. She hasn't said that she doesn't see him. She said she hasn't seen him since FRIDAY. It's now SUNDAY. That's hardly a Defcon 1 kind of situation, you know? I'd like to know how many days a week he DOES see or talk to her. Maybe he's trying to make her happy, but because she's so demanding he's finding it hard to do. My original point is that she needs to look at her own actions before getting pissed at him. That's all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steenerz Posted June 6, 2005 Author Share Posted June 6, 2005 AHH ok ok first off, we are only 19...and as much as we'd like to be serious, being at this age, i think it's hard to be serious.... yes, i'm insecure. I'm working on it, and looking for a good therapist. I am mad over him not keeping his word...he said over and over he'd wake up in time to go to church with me (which was his idea in the first place, going to church together), and to call him 30 mins before the service and to find him sleeping is rather disappointing... and ur right, i shouldn't compare my relationship to others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author steenerz Posted June 6, 2005 Author Share Posted June 6, 2005 and please don't say he's playing games to get away from me. He's been like this all his life...he has never worked a job in his LIFE....which i am also trying to get him to do. and i KNOW he'si nterested in me...on dayas we don't see each other we talk for a couple hours (while he plays games). Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Of course he is interested in you - at least when you are spending time together in each other's presence. If he was completely uninterested, the time you spend together wouldn't be good at all and he would make sure that the times you do spend together get further and further apart. He probably just isn't ready to turn the LDR he's used to into a 24/7 full-time everyday thing. In the past nine months he has been able to have a life of his own, in addition to a relationship with you. Now that you are back, he is feeling a threat to the 'life of his own' part as you frantically (and angrily) try to force your relationship to the top of his everyday priority list. He needs time to adjust to the new circumstances. Just because you were working well as a LDR doesn't mean that it will just transition smoothly to a regular one. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted June 6, 2005 Share Posted June 6, 2005 Well, maybe you just pressure him too much. You're pretty negative about his lack of job, his propensity to sit at the computer all day. You just might be becoming his mom. I say, back off and change your approach. You seem to be becoming a nag. And nags aren't fun to be around. First of all, he's not going to change because you want him to, he'll change when he thinks it's time and he'll change in the way he sees fit. If you really really want him to become someone more driven, more desiring of spending time with you, etc, and he's not, stop trying and look for those traits in someone else. Sounds like he may be going through a depressed phase of listlessly wondering what he's going to do with the rest of his life before he wastes it all, and your taking a more supportive role would help him far more than the nagging. If you talk to him about these types of things with an open mind - his goals, his fears, etc, your relationship will be stronger. OR you will realize that he doesn't want to be the person you want him to be and you can find another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
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