Worried BF might be cheating, with a man!

[GirlMcDark]

First off, let me say hello....it's been a good 2-3 years since I have posted on this site, so I am out of touch with many people here, lol.

 

Let's see if I can make a long story as short as possible. I have been having a suspicion that my BF of 2-1/2 years MAY be cheating on me with a man who he claims is "just a friend." A bit of back-story, we met online, dated on/off for a year, broke up (due to his excessive drinking and tendency to be verbally mean when drunk), got back together after 4 months apart, him saying he was going to work on getting help, and me being a fool and believing him, and were on the verge of splitting up again after 2 months, only I found out I was pregnant.

 

We now have a 7 month old daughter, and she is the love and light of our lives. In the time before she was born, and for a few months after, many negative things happened (I won't go into detail, but suffice to say that he was in jail twice due to his drinking.) He is now almost 5 months sober, going to AA and therapy and DV classes, all of which have greatly improved how he acts, reacts and we manage our relationship. Would I say we LOVE each other? No, not IN LOVE, but we do care for each other, but I know our main love is towards our child, and the reason we stay together are basically for financial reasons in this tough economy, in order to make sure she is raised with all that she needs, as a single mom I know I couldn't make it alone on my salary, even with child support or government assistance.

 

Moving on.....my main concern now is that he is hiding a double life, that of possibly being gay. I have no problem with homosexuality (whereas to hear him talk, it's wrong and he is a bit too verbal about being "homophobic" if you get my drift.) That has always been a bone of contention between us, my views versus his on that, as well as religion (I'm atheist, he isn't.)

 

But about 8 months ago, he met and started doing odd side jobs (he is a self employed contractor) for an older man I will call "M." At first he would go over every so often on the weekends and fix up things around the house that M wanted him to work on, and I didn't think much of it, he's had side jobs on wkends outside of his normal weekday big projects, before. But after about 2 months, he was going over a lot, to work and to "have coffee" with M, and he talked about M A LOT. And btw, I know what some of you may be thinking, and I KNOW for a fact M is a man, I have met him twice briefly and when they talk on the phone I can sometimes hear him on speaker and it's a man. So, I know he's not covering for being with another woman.

 

So, it became "M said this, or M did this or M thinks this!" I started calling M his bromance, and my BF would just chuckle and say yeah, ha ha. But in the past few months, it's seemed to have gone deeper then ever. M has since loaned him substantial amounts of money (once over $500 dollars, and once $300) to help pay late rent and also to help get his truck out of impound for the last time he was in jail for 45 days (putting a strain on me and my kids, I have an older daughter that lives with us too) but M never offered to help US, just my BF, with money. My BF says he has to now go over more to work to pay off his debts.

 

Just last month my BF said M was at an estate sale, and he purchased an antique 1840's clock for my BF (WTF?!?) BF said M wouldn't tell him how much the clock was, but he hinted it was rather pricey. And they now talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a day (at night that I know about, can't say how much it is while BF is at work.) M texts him all the time, and ALWAYS in the morning when he wakes up!

 

I'm sorry, but I have a rather extensive history with men, and to my knowledge, I have NEVER known heterosexual men, even if they considered themselves the BEST of friends, to act this way with each other. It baffles me and makes me seriously think that my BF is gay and M is his sugar daddy.

 

Also, we almost NEVER have sex anymore, and even when we did it always seemed like he hurried through, very little romance or foreplay. Many things have happened in our relationship to make it not so great right now, but I do still have feelings for him, and this would be a blow to me....mostly because I hate feeling like something is up and that I am being lied to about something crucial. I just feel like something is off, he does not act like this with his other male friends, not that he has many, but the few he does have, he may chat with a few times a month and see even less than that, and he has known them longer than M. Also, M is single, child-less and in his 50's.

 

I did bring this up once, and flat out asked him if M was gay and was something going on with them. He didn't deny it, although he just said "I'm not gay" and "I respect M." then just let it drop. Anytime before, should I have said something like this about him etc, he would have fumed and yelled and been mad about being accused etc. This time he just let it go and we said nothing else about it....so that makes me wonder too.

 

 

Please, let me know what ya'll think. Have to run, daughter is awake from her nap, ugh, lol.

[preraph]

Oh, gosh. What is it about men that they won't just talk about things? Well, as with any other suspected secret lover, I would advise you pull M right into the fold by inviting him for dinner without even asking your husband. You could do it on his birthday or just any special occasion. But there's lots of ways this helps you sort things out, just like it would if this were another woman. First of all, if they're truly just friends, the rival and your husband would be perfectly comfortable coming over to dine with you and your husband. But if they're not just friends, this will send them both into a tailspin of excuses.

 

Secondly, assuming the invitation is accepted and the dinner is on, you can tell a lot more about M and feel free to ask him lots of questions about hobbies, family, etc. You might even ask him if he has a wife or partner and just see where he takes that.

 

Your husband may be having an affair or he may just be using this guy, too. But he seems to like him, so you should invite him over and see for yourself what the dynamic is like. It might even force your husband to start thinking about coming clean. Or you never know, maybe this guy seems right as rain and you can stop worrying about it. Good luck.

[BettyDraper]

Maybe this thread belongs in the infidelity section...may get more replies like that.

[GirlMcDark]

I couldn't find the Infidelity thread, this place has changed a bit since I last was on here, lol. And thank you, I will repost there.

 

To Preraph, I have extended invites to dinners a few times, and my BF's excuse is that M is probably too busy, as he seems to go out to high price dinners with "friends" and to the theater, museum gallery shows etc. From what I gather, he has a lucrative government job, and pals around with some ritzy people. He purchased his house two years ago, it was built in 1913 and he is having it completely restored/redone. He seems very upper crust, literate and intelligent. And well, to knock my BF a bit, he just.....isn't any of those things. I mean, he's smart about some things, but certainly not bookish etc, just a typical redneck construction worker, born and raised in the sticks and not overly concerned with learning much (this is also a bone of contention between us!) And it hurts that he would want to talk and hang out with someone who is like that, when I AM like that (as far as bookish, loves museums, history, science etc.) but he never wants to talk with me or do things like that with me.

 

Ok, I got a but wordy there, lol. But yeah, I have tried a few times and so far, it's a no go. I don't know how to contact M without asking my BF for his number?

 

Btw, does Preraph stand for PreRaphaelite? If so, that is one of my favorite art movements!

[preraph]

Yes, it's about Pre-Raphaelite. So beautiful!

 

Well, you may need to do some detective work and follow your man over there sometime, get the name off of mail out of the mailbox or if he owns his home, look up the address in the county appraisal district, get his name, see if his is the only one, etc. Once you have his whole real name, you can spend only a few bucks and do a background check online and find out marriages, etc. and probably find him on social media.

 

Find out where he works or anything else your husband will tell you. If he's too evasive, yes, something is up.

[angel.eyes]

...And well, to knock my BF a bit, he just.....isn't any of those things. I mean, he's smart about some things, but certainly not bookish etc, just a typical redneck construction worker, born and raised in the sticks and not overly concerned with learning much (this is also a bone of contention between us!) And it hurts that he would want to talk and hang out with someone who is like that, when I AM like that (as far as bookish, loves museums, history, science etc.) but he never wants to talk with me or do things like that with me.

 

Why are you with him when you feel this way? Are DV classes domestic violence classes? In your eyes, what are his positive qualities?

[preraph]

This guy could be a friend or sponsor from AA. If there's unexplained money surfacing, they could also be dealing drugs or something. Considering the guy is in AA and should be used to sharing, I don't get why he won't just let you know who this guy is. But I can see why you'd be reluctant to have a big confrontation if he's prone to DV. Does he seem like he's really sober all the time or any chance this is a party buddy? I think being covert and finding out all you can is your safest choice here. Unfortunately.