JaneSmith526 Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 MM stopped all communication. I know this is for the best, but I feel like there are rocks sitting on my chest. I wish I would have had the chance to get some closure, whether I'm entitled to that or not. I didn't realize I liked him this much, not sure if going to vom or burst into tears. How can I move on with no closure? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 Jane, closure doesn't come from the other person. It comes from you. Closure is when you let go and decide to move on. Take an action, block him, erase his number and address from your phone. And then just heal. I am sorry you are in pain 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneSmith526 Posted January 12, 2016 Author Share Posted January 12, 2016 Thank you. I have erased every way of contact that I know of. I think the part I'm struggling with is we had constant contact. Never went a day without. Then bam...its been 4 days, and my attempts at contact have gone unanswered. I wish I knew why, I think I would be okay if I knew why. Of course, I'm only remembering his good qualities, I need to make a list of things that sucked about him...sounds therapeutic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 After my exH left me I constantly begged for answers. I also said I could accept it if I just knew why. My therapist asked me what I really wanted. I said ANSWERS!!! She asked me to tell her what he could possibly say that would make this better...I did some role play. turned out, there was nothing he could say that would make me feel better. I didn't really want answers. I wanted him back. I still do not have the answers I wanted. But I have let go. And that is when I started to heal. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 I'm sorry that you're hurting like this. Very often no contact AT ALL is a requirement by the BS (his wife) when they find out. I think it's 'kinder' to send a no contact letter explaining. It must be horrible to just know nothing about what's happening I know it sounds very 'teenager' but have you tried making a list of everything bad about him? Not just his habits but also what the A was doing to you & other people like his family. Focusing on the negatives, NC & trying to keep busy & have fun with friends & family seems to be the common advise. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted January 12, 2016 Share Posted January 12, 2016 At the end of the day, we all just want to know that it MATTERED and that we MEANT SOMETHING. I know that SHOULDN'T matter, but it does. I know we SHOULD be stronger internally, but we aren't. Not yet. You are early into NC and it hurts like (fill in four letter word of your choice here). Cut yourself some slack and take it one day at a time, Jane. All the best. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 We all want answers for closure and to move on. However would you really believe him? I have come to terms that I'll never get the truth because I have no trust for my exMM. I'm not sure with and AP you'd really get the truth. You just come to terms and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneSmith526 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I'm sorry that you're hurting like this. Very often no contact AT ALL is a requirement by the BS (his wife) when they find out. I think it's 'kinder' to send a no contact letter explaining. It must be horrible to just know nothing about what's happening I know it sounds very 'teenager' but have you tried making a list of everything bad about him? Not just his habits but also what the A was doing to you & other people like his family. Focusing on the negatives, NC & trying to keep busy & have fun with friends & family seems to be the common advise. Best wishes. I've been thinking about all the things he did that I didn't like, and all the reasons we wet wrong for each other. It's helping a lot actually. I think I had him on a glorified pedestal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneSmith526 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 We all want answers for closure and to move on. However would you really believe him? I have come to terms that I'll never get the truth because I have no trust for my exMM. I'm not sure with and AP you'd really get the truth. You just come to terms and move on You're absolutely right. Not sure I would believe his answers. Trust is hard when you've built a relationship on a lie. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneSmith526 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 At the end of the day, we all just want to know that it MATTERED and that we MEANT SOMETHING. I know that SHOULDN'T matter, but it does. I know we SHOULD be stronger internally, but we aren't. Not yet. You are early into NC and it hurts like (fill in four letter word of your choice here). Cut yourself some slack and take it one day at a time, Jane. All the best. One day at a time. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Link to post Share on other sites
Ohmyohmy Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 So sorry you are suffering like this. As OW we choose to accept this "disposable" role in MM life. I have had many conversations with MM about the awful feelings that fact brings(if your MM has children he is probably putting them first, which is admirable) Were you in A long? Maybe he is doing this because he truly values you and knows he can't be what you need right now? Big hugs to you...you are not alone here on LS. There's no quick fix for these situations. Hang in there!! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 What makes you think he's NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Maybe he has been discovered and he is forbidden to contact you. OR maybe something has happened to him... illness, family illness, emergency. I know it must be terrible not to know. I think the decent thing to do, especially if you have had constant contact , is to alert you to the fact that he is NC. YOu might feel better if you know why, then again you mightn't but living in limbo is hell. Poppy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Closure is a myth. The reason OW want closure is because of the nature of the relationship. In typical relationships, it dies a slow death or by decisions based on changes in the relationship. Essentially, you knew it was coming. With affairs, you have a feeling in the pit in your stomach all along, knowing the rug can be pulled out from under you at any moment. The closure you seek is really disbelief of what's happened because it's so sudden. Nothing will make you feel better. Many people believe a "reason" for why it ended will make them feel better when we all know why .... He's a selfish coward who put himself first. Most importantly, because he's married and intends to stay married. Ride it out. If you commit to it being over, you'll get to the anger stage then indifference. Then you'll realize how glad you are that he's gone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LAGirl65 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 It gets better over time but remember grief (that's what this is) is not linear. It will ebb and flow over time. The overall trajectory is that it gets better. In addition to thinking about why it didn't or wouldn't work, is it also useful to prepare yourself for what to do/say if they try to reestablish contact? To have a plan so to speak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I'm also wondering if you know for sure he's just not talking to you, or if something has happened to him. If he has just cut you off without a word, then that's about as heartless as a person can get. It's something I'd never forgive. He could at least let you know. I wouldn't care about closure as much as I would care about the cruelty of his actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I am not sure what to say here. To say that I hope he comes back to you would be totally wrong. To say that I wish he'll leave his family to be with you is horrible as well. That's the downside of loving a MM. You have no power nor claim to anything. It's like entrusting your whole trust fund to a stranger. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
among the pines Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) Hi Jane - The MM I am in love with went NC on me a couple months ago. His wife had found out in early August. He was separated (at least physically) for a few weeks after that. She hacked into his FB & read thousands of emails between us. After which I assume he went back to her because he deactivated his FB account & I'm sure has blocked me everywhere. I am certain he is being watched like a hawk with social media & phone. He does have two children & I was supportive of him doing the right thing for them. At the same time I just wanted reassurance he wasn't getting back together with her. It hurts worse than any so called "normal" relationship I've ever been in because it didn't have a chance to run its course. I feel a huge hole now & like I've lost my best friend. The worst part is definitely not being in constant contact every day. Much of our one year relationship was long distance as he lives in another state & we spent hours every day communicating online. It really became very much like an addiction. THen the rug was pulled out from under me. I know it hurts. This was my first MM affair & trust me it will be my last. The aftermath is just way too painful. I am having issues with closure as well, but I've noticed as some time has gone by and I realize that's not forthcoming from him (possibly one day but doubtful) I'm becoming more accepting that it has to come from within. I still love him but I don't want to continue like a broken record with the "what if's?", wondering what he's doing & if he's thinking of me, etc. Not healthy. I'm sure someone else has already mentioned journaling. Even writing him a letter but not sending it. Personally that has helped me a lot. The main thing that has helped me along this far is the NC and time. And posting here & on another site when I start getting up in my head (which is often). If you remain in NC you will, I believe, start to feel a little stronger every day. Edited January 13, 2016 by among the pines 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneSmith526 Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 I'm also wondering if you know for sure he's just not talking to you, or if something has happened to him. If he has just cut you off without a word, then that's about as heartless as a person can get. It's something I'd never forgive. He could at least let you know. I wouldn't care about closure as much as I would care about the cruelty of his actions. I suppose there is a possibility. I have no idea. I never thought he would be this cruel, it's uncharacteristic of him, but then again how well do you know someone living a double life. I have a number for him, but it's work and I won't go there. Deleted his emails, so can't send one. I have his kik account still, but he hasn't even read the last few messages I sent him. I'm not going to go there, I'm working on forgetting him. I'd hear him out if he contacted me, but this is too painful to get involved again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Forceawakensme Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Jane did he get in touch? Link to post Share on other sites
BuddyX Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 "Closure is a Joke". The only apology you owe is to yourself, for staying as long as you did. The only conversation you need to have and the only person to see--is yourself in the mirror. And say 'You know what? I Effed up. My worth is more than that...That's your closure." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I think to go forward you have to be very clear to yourself and your initial mantra should be, Its done, its over. Any other what ifs, will he call or write or does he miss me just keep it all going. Id be clear with yourself right from the start, its ended and that's it. Let that cold reality settle in, it HURTS, but the quicker you start to greive it and not hold onto a lot of hope, analyzing and wishful thinking or longing for it to come back, the quicker you can start to get the tears out and moving through the grieving process. What stretches it out is many think he must know Im hurting, we self destruct not eating, sleeping, as if somehow our AP could see us, and if we suffer this greatly surely they will want to soothe us, if we reach out, surely they will want to answer, if we don't block and delete the secret email accounts, apps, texts, FB, I can leave the door open and he will reach out. It is WAY better to get instant control by being clear day one. Its over, I need to greive heal and let go and get through this. Take back control by going INSTANTLY NC and do not even consider allowing a path back to you. A breakup is the end. If they come back, its many more endings to come, they often never come back but once he goes, or you go....Its no longer the old A, its over for good, or a cycle or endings and drama that are even worse. Frienship is the worst part ever if you attempt it. It will kill you slowly. That middle part of confusion, romanticizing, hope....Kill it, face it, say its done, accept its done, get to the next step, and the next and the next until you heal and never even care to look back ever. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I'm also wondering if you know for sure he's just not talking to you, or if something has happened to him. If he has just cut you off without a word, then that's about as heartless as a person can get. It's something I'd never forgive. He could at least let you know. I wouldn't care about closure as much as I would care about the cruelty of his actions. I found it to be quite common with MW's, even to this day. They simply disappear. To my knowledge, save for one, they're all still quite alive. Based on a lifetime of dealing with this milieu, my advice to OP is to accept that the good times were good and valuable and now it's ended. Another chapter of life begins. Other people to meet; other people to love. Past loves are the past. Valuable, but done. That's what closure is all about IMO. Acceptance of the real. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaneSmith526 Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 We talked every.single. Day. From the time he woke up in the morning until the time he went to bed. So I assumed, when he went silent - that his wife had found out and went NC. Well, after 5 days, I got a message. I haven't read yet, I'm not sure what I would say. Part of me wants to run back, part of me wants to give him the middle finger, and part of me wants to just pretend I didn't see a message come through. This was really painful for me, and I'm not sure I can handle it happening again so safest bet is just to continue the NC. For some reason, I really trusted him, which was clearly a mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 We talked every.single. Day. From the time he woke up in the morning until the time he went to bed. So I assumed, when he went silent - that his wife had found out and went NC. Well, after 5 days, I got a message. I haven't read yet, I'm not sure what I would say. Part of me wants to run back, part of me wants to give him the middle finger, and part of me wants to just pretend I didn't see a message come through. This was really painful for me, and I'm not sure I can handle it happening again so safest bet is just to continue the NC. For some reason, I really trusted him, which was clearly a mistake. I trusted my xMM, too, but he's still in his marriage. However, he never threw me under the bus and never did this thing of not talking to me without an explanation. If he had, I would've never spoken to him again if he tried to contact me later. There's just no excuse for being treated that way. Your xMM was perfectly willing to go against his marriage by cheating but, all of a sudden, what his wife dictates to him is gospel. Sorry, I wouldn't buy that. Did you read the email? I would want to know what it said. Not that I would respond but I would want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
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