meanie_monday Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 My fiance and I have had lots of trouble in the past but have been working to smooth things out. We were best friends for 8 years prior to dating but the transition between friends and lovers was not as smooth as one would think. Now being engaged we've both had our share of doubts but I'm wondering if it's normal. Sometimes when I get mad I question if I'm making the right choice by marrying him but then realize I'm just being emotional and letting that get to me. I tell myself that no matter who I date or marry, they'll manage to make me upset because they're human so it's a matter of finding the one who I love and can put up with from time to time. I had never shared my doubts with my fiance but the other night he confided in me that sometimes I really get under his skin and he wonders if his annoyance with me will only get worse as the years go by. I responded by telling him that I also had my doubts but thought it was normal considering marriage is a life changer. I mostly told him that to ease my own fears but i wonder if these doubts are normal or something that could possibly end our relationship... Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Having a crystal ball to look into and see the future would be nice, right? There are no guarantees with any relationship, even the seemingly fairy tale types. That said, you are both admitting doubt, which is a HUGE red flag in my book. In your shoes, I'd postpone the wedding, at the very least. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 My fiance and I have had lots of trouble in the past but have been working to smooth things out. We were best friends for 8 years prior to dating but the transition between friends and lovers was not as smooth as one would think. Wouldn't you think the reverse was true, that a solid foundation of friendship would make for smooth sailing in a relationship? You don't elaborate on the difficulties and/or issues, but if they're any of the big ones - sex, money, career, family, etc - a reassessment might be in order. I remember the courtship of my wife as a pretty blissful time, we were infatuated with each other and in our own little bubble. The challenges and bumps in the road typically come later... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanie_monday Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Wouldn't you think the reverse was true, that a solid foundation of friendship would make for smooth sailing in a relationship? You don't elaborate on the difficulties and/or issues, but if they're any of the big ones - sex, money, career, family, etc - a reassessment might be in order. We had some issues on communication. It wasn't anything we had encountered as friends because things were always so relaxed and casual. Now things are definitely better as we understand each other's communication style but it was difficult at first when we didn't know the way we each behaved in relationships. I also suffer from depression and it was negatively impacting our relationship, but after getting on the right medication, that has also improved. I'd say things are definitely better now than they were in the past. When he elaborated on the things that annoyed him, I had to keep myself from eye rolling. They were such trivial things such as the way I spell (e.g colour vs color), that I compliment people based on things I like (which I thought was kind of the point), etc. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 DH & I had it relatively smooth. . . no big drama, enough money to pay for our wedding etc. Yet I still had some doubts. Was I doing the right thing? Would we last? Marriage is a huge, life changing, sobering thought. I think introspection is important but so is communication. He shouldn't get mad or upset when you express reservations. You have to be each other's safe spaces. DH & I got pre-marital counseling. It's required by our Church. If you don't go, they won't marry you. Some of it was dumb because they made sure you knew how to pay bills, which was fine for the 20 somethings who still lived with mommy & daddy. But we found some of the communications workshops helpful & financial disclosure portions forced us to think about things that could cause fights before they got out of hand. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 For me, while there were a few moments of, "oh my god I'm going to spend the rest of my life with only one person, what am I doing" type of thoughts, but they went away pretty quickly because the thought of the alternative, not spending the rest of my life with her, was clearly not what I wanted. Link to post Share on other sites
loveweary11 Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Doubts and fear all the way up to the moment you say, "i do" are completely normal. I can recall how absolutely terrified I was during the ceremony. Immediately after the ceremony, all of that goes away. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 Doubts and fear all the way up to the moment you say, "i do" are completely normal. I can recall how absolutely terrified I was during the ceremony. Immediately after the ceremony, all of that goes away. For me all the doubts went away the minute I saw my beloved. We did the "reveal" before Church to do pictures in advance. Looking in his face I knew it would all be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author meanie_monday Posted January 13, 2016 Author Share Posted January 13, 2016 Thanks everyone! Your replies have been very reassuring. We actually talked about pre-marital counseling not because we currently have problems, but just to learn some key communication skills. Wish us luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 16, 2016 Share Posted January 16, 2016 Actually colour is the correct spelling in UK English. Lol As much as there may be things that irritate you about each other.. The overwhelming feeling should be one of love. If such minor things get under his skin.. he'll have plenty excuses to blame shift when there are more serious issues. I think you should think about spending some time apart (not a break up)... but time to really think about each other.. to see if you're ready for marriage to each other and maybe even do some reading about what it takes to make a marriage a success. Read books like 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass.... so you both know what appropriate boundaries are with the opposite sex. See how much you miss each other in this time.. you can communicate during the time apart .... but you need enough space to miss each other and determine how you feel. Evaluate how strong your emotional connection is and work to build on it. Don't get married if you're having doubts. Postpone it at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I've witnessed a few of my friends get married while in the height of doubt and they were all divorced within five to eight years of marriage. One of them even hired a private detective to follow her husband's movements. If you are still in doubt, don't succumb to denial about it, ie-don't minimise your feelings by thinking that it will probably be the same with any other guy. You have to be confident about your relationship first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 17, 2016 Share Posted January 17, 2016 I remember the courtship of my wife as a pretty blissful time, we were infatuated with each other and in our own little bubble. The challenges and bumps in the road typically come later... Mr. Lucky Yes, this was me. I never doubted for a second during the engagement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted January 18, 2016 Share Posted January 18, 2016 If there are issues, especially ones that seem so small and petty (and are just part of being you) I would hold the wedding and trying to work it out with some outside help. I had some doubts when I got engaged. Those issues didn't get any better during marriage. I eventually divorced over one of the major ones. Everyone has some jitters but I wouldn't brush them aside either. Link to post Share on other sites
Cablebandit Posted January 22, 2016 Share Posted January 22, 2016 The day I got married, I half expected to be scared and have doubts but had ZERO doubts because I had sorted through any issues before I proposed. I literally proposed in the middle of a HEATED argument. My thinking was, "let's see if she REALLY wants to be married to me even when things are heated." She said YES and we continued the argument to it's conclusion. Get everything sorted NOW. Do not glaze over these doubts using emotional reasoning. Get it sorted NOW. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KissKattBar Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 My fiancé and I have also been friends/together for 8 years. We argue a lot. After one argument, we asked each other if we had doubts about whether or not we'd make it. We both admitted to having doubts and it was a really emotional conversation- we both cried. I don't remember if we exactly solved anything, but we just held each other for a long time and realized that we were too afraid of losing each other, and that breaking up just couldn't be an option for us. We may argue a lot, but we still think our relationship is worth fighting for. Doubt is natural. You just have to decide if he is worth fighting for. Link to post Share on other sites
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