Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[Gaeta]

2 weeks is plenty. Remember, it's not that you are "waiting" for him really. You're going to keep moving. If you find someone else to date, do that.

Him and I are exclusive. I am not going to date anyone else during this waiting period. If I do the wait it's on me. I accept he may not come back. Also I am in no frame of mind to go back online.

 

When/if he "comes back", you will be hitting the reset button because, you don't really know if this is going to be a pattern with him yet. If he does this again over say, less significant things, in the future, you may be going down a difficult path. My point is, you don't want to send the message that you will be OK with him disappearing for a couple of weeks in the future.

 

I mean let him come back if you still want that after two weeks and he does too but, let him know how you felt during this time -- you missed him but don't gush over it and just observe carefully how he deals with other stressful times going forward. Hopefully, this is just a blip but it may be an indicator to the future as well. It sounds like you really like him and this is a big deal, so give him a pass just this once. If the relationship develops and you two seem to grow closer, and something like this happens again in less than say 5 or 6 months, it's perfectly ok for him to pull away for a day or two, but he should be able to share the event with you rather than shut you out of it.

 

I agree he could be in a habit of pulling away when stress hit and it's not the best of ways to develop a relationship.

 

As far as I am concerned his withdrawal started last Friday. That's from when I am counting 2 weeks. Knowing myself I won't last 2 weeks. By Sunday I will be p*ssed at the whole world.

[katiegrl]

Gaeta, how did your last conversation end? Did he tell you he needed time alone for awhile....to process his ambiguous job situation?

 

And was he definitely fired....or just in limbo not knowing whether or not he got the contract?

 

Or did he say "talk to you soon" or "I'll be in touch"?

 

Or did he just leave the whole thing open-ended? Like you were still in a relationship, and you would be seeing each other again soon?

 

A bit confused about how things actually went down...

[Toodaloo]

Agh Gaeta look at it this way.

 

This one lastest longer than most so your getting better at this.

 

Better luck next time.

[Redhead14]

Him and I are exclusive. I am not going to date anyone else during this waiting period. If I do the wait it's on me. I accept he may not come back. Also I am in no frame of mind to go back online.

 

 

 

I agree he could be in a habit of pulling away when stress hit and it's not the best of ways to develop a relationship.

 

As far as I am concerned his withdrawal started last Friday. That's from when I am counting 2 weeks. Knowing myself I won't last 2 weeks. By Sunday I will be p*ssed at the whole world.

 

I know this is difficult. Let him do what he needs to do. You are right, since you are exclusive, you need to give this to him. That being said,

Remember "where" you two are in this relationship. It's only a month. Exclusivity is not boyfriend/girlfriend at this point, even if you're calling each other that. He gave you a heads up. He didn't just drop off the earth without an explanation. Like, I said, if this happens further down the road, it's a different story. He is not going to feel as though he should/could be leaning on you at all. You reached out to him and usually just that sets the clock back a little. Yes, it may seem rude, but I doubt he's viewing it that way. Unless you have reason to suspect that he's just using this as an "excuse", let it be. I understand your anger, but it sounds as though it's not at him, just the situation. Keep that in perspective.

 

I am not saying this approach is any guarantee for you, but it is the approach that gives it the best opportunity to rebound. Resist the urge to reach out again until next week. Do it in a light text, if he doesn't respond in any way, move on. Don't reach out again. And, if it goes beyond next week without hearing from him and he does call or text you, don't respond in any way at all. Go no contact. Because by then it will have gone beyond "caving" for sure and completely disrespectful. By then, I would assume it was more than the "job" that caused this situation. There is a limit, for sure.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, how did your last conversation end? Did he tell you he needed time alone for awhile....to process his ambiguous job situation?

 

And was he definitely fired....or just in limbo not knowing whether or not he got the contract?

 

Or did he say "talk to you soon" or "I'll be in touch"?

 

Or did he just leave the whole thing open-ended? Like you were still in a relationship, and you would be seeing each other again soon?

 

A bit confused about how things actually went down...

 

He told me a couple of weeks ago if he appears distant it's not because of me, he has some worries to deal with. At the time he told me that I had not detected any distance.

 

When he called me yesterday morning he mainly spoke about his worries. He explained what had happened the previous day (showing to work and not being on the team) and he asked me if I thought he should wait or call his employer to clarify. I said based on the fact his employer specifically told him he was on the team from Jan 11th then yes he should call his boss and ask him to update him. It's legitimate of him to want to know.

 

He said ok he was going to do that. I said to let me know how that goes. He said Ok.

 

I called him at 4h same day and left a voice message. Nothing since.

 

If he had gotten his job sorted out he would have been happy and relieved and I assume he would have let me know.

 

I can only conclude by his silence he lost the job and he is going through some difficult time, maybe embarrassment.

[lilmissjava]

Gaeta, I always look forward to your advice, and have since I was just a lurker.

 

I am hoping that it is just space that he needs to regroup. I know if the man was career oriented and a "man's man", this job loss would definitely be pulling at his self-worth, self-esteem strings and with that, comes everything else in his environment, including your relationship with him.

 

Something's gotta give, isn't that what they say?

 

It's on him to decide what to do from here on, and I hope for nothing but the best. But I always know, that when you start to feel your instincts kick in, pay attention.

 

Take the time you need as well. It is a small adjustment, but an adjustment all the same. Let it play out naturally, and as always, the support and encouragement you need is always here on LS.

[katiegrl]

I know this is difficult. Let him do what he needs to do. You are right, since you are exclusive, you need to give this to him. That being said,

 

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***Remember "where" you two are in this relationship. It's only a month. Exclusivity is not boyfriend/girlfriend at this point, even if you're calling each other that. ***

 

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He gave you a heads up. He didn't just drop off the earth without an explanation. Like, I said, if this happens further down the road, it's a different story. He is not going to feel as though he should/could be leaning on you at all. You reached out to him and usually just that sets the clock back a little. Yes, it may seem rude, but I doubt he's viewing it that way. Unless you have reason to suspect that he's just using this as an "excuse", let it be. I understand your anger, but it sounds as though it's not at him, just the situation. Keep that in perspective.

 

I am not saying this approach is any guarantee for you, but it is the approach that gives it the best opportunity to rebound. Resist the urge to reach out again until next week. Do it in a light text, if he doesn't respond in any way, move on. Don't reach out again. And, if it goes beyond next week without hearing from him and he does call or text you, don't respond in any way at all. Go no contact. Because by then it will have gone beyond "caving" for sure and completely disrespectful. By then, I would assume it was more than the "job" that caused this situation. There is a limit, for sure.

 

I agree with this ^^ giving a special credence to the quote above in asterisk.

 

I am wondering if things simply moved too quickly for him. Calling every day right from the get go ....essentially acting like boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Don't mean to sound negative, but it almost sounds like he was "going through the motions" a bit......cause he knew you loved hearing from him every day...that is very important to you.

 

It was great he was able to meet that need ...but perhaps he just got burned out.

 

I don't know ....but it's a possibility...

 

I any event, this sucks. Again, so sorry.

[Gaeta]

I agree with this ^^ giving a special credence to the quote above in asterisk.

 

I am wondering if things simply moved too quickly for him. Calling every day right from the get go ....essentially acting like boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Don't mean to sound negative, but it almost sounds like he was "going through the motions" a bit......cause he knew you loved hearing from him every day...that is very important to you.

 

It was great he was able to meet that need ...but perhaps he just got burned out.

 

I don't know ....but it's a possibility...

 

I any event, this sucks. Again, so sorry.

 

I did like hearing from him daily but never told him I wanted it.

 

I've never had to tell him, he was calling every night. He'd tell me he thinks about me all the time or he can't go to bed without hearing my voice. Etc.

 

But it's possible he realized a relationship is not for him, or I am not for him after all.

[Redhead14]

I did like hearing from him daily but never told him I wanted it.

 

I've never had to tell him, he was calling every night. He'd tell me he thinks about me all the time or he can't go to bed without hearing my voice. Etc.

 

But it's possible he realized a relationship is not for him, or I am not for him after all.

 

Don't go there in your head right now, Gaeta. Go with what he's told you for now. Go with what you do know. Go out with some friends Get your mind off of it.

[katiegrl]

I did like hearing from him daily but never told him I wanted it.

 

I've never had to tell him, he was calling every night. He'd tell me he thinks about me all the time or he can't go to bed without hearing my voice. Etc.

 

But it's possible he realized a relationship is not for him, or I am not for him after all.

 

Anything is possible, but it is also VERY possible HE simply needs some space.

 

That has happened to me (guys pulling back a bit when things got *comfortable*) in almost every relationship I have had.

 

The longest was three weeks (I have posted about this experience).

 

But in my other two LTRs, anywhere from a few days to a week.

 

I always left them alone and simply went on with my life.

 

They always came back....and never pulled away again.

 

I am beginning to think this is like a normal stage for *some* men. We hear about it happening after three months ....but of course it could vary.

 

Just me ...but I tend to think the job thing (while troubling) is just an excuse cause he needs some space.

 

He has *not* ended it Gaeta ....which I would think he would do... IF he lost interest and wanted to end it. He hasn't.

 

So go on with your life and see what happens.

 

Trust in the connection you have established.... and assume he needs space for whatever reasons. Try and stay positive.

 

There are lots of great movies out now.....I've been keeping busy by seeing as many as I can.

 

And yoga helps calm me too!

[carhill]

IMO, you respected his situation, apparently heard him out at length, and left the door open. Whatever comes now is completely open to possibility. Stay true to your style and boundaries. If things work out with him, they do. If not, not.

 

In general, men tie up a lot of self-worth in their job success in the world so, if this man has indicated to you in the past that he is among that group, then expect highs and lows of self-worth to occur along with highs and lows of financial and/or political/social success. If evident, and if this vacillation is incompatible with your perspective on relationship health, and it is irreconcilable, meaning he and you can't find an agreeable middle ground, then it's irreconcilable and time to move on. IMO, that part, right now, is still unknown.

 

In my life, being a business owner, I was getting hired and fired daily so I was used to feast or famine and my lifestyle expanded and contracted accordingly and, other than women measuring me by my wealth or lack thereof, that stuff never entered into my relationship milieu. I found it quite tedious and boring to discuss business successes or failures with dates/mates. My exW found it equally so when I occasionally did while married. Essentially, business life and social life were separate. I left work in the shop. That's one style. Your guy may have another style. What remains is does it work with you?

[katiegrl]

IMO, you respected his situation, apparently heard him out at length, and left the door open. Whatever comes now is completely open to possibility. Stay true to your style and boundaries. If things work out with him, they do. If not, not.

 

In general, men tie up a lot of self-worth in their job success in the world so, if this man has indicated to you in the past that he is among that group, then expect highs and lows of self-worth to occur along with highs and lows of financial and/or political/social success. If evident, and if this vacillation is incompatible with your perspective on relationship health, and it is irreconcilable, meaning he and you can't find an agreeable middle ground, then it's irreconcilable and time to move on. IMO, that part, right now, is still unknown.

 

In my life, being a business owner, I was getting hired and fired daily so I was used to feast or famine and my lifestyle expanded and contracted accordingly and, other than women measuring me by my wealth or lack thereof, that stuff never entered into my relationship milieu. I found it quite tedious and boring to discuss business successes or failures with dates/mates. My exW found it equally so when I occasionally did while married. Essentially, business life and social life were separate.

 

 

**** I left work in the shop. That's one style. Your guy may have another style. What remains is does it work with you?

 

I agree with carhill....with respect to his style, you gotta do what works for you.

 

Personally speaking, I am extremely flexible and resilient ...... and also require quite a bit of space myself (in fact a guy callng every day from the getgo would suffocate me), so I was able to handle a short *pull away* with relatively little anxiety or discomfort.

 

As long as he communicated that to me prior....which my ex who took three weeks did.

 

However, a few days was not a problem...if our connection up to that point was strong.

 

I was still upset, but not so upset that I couldn't enjoy my life.

 

But I KNOW that would not work for many other women.

 

Do whatever feels right for you...and if you don't hear from him by Sunday ...try not to hate the world. :)

Edited January 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Thanks for your time, encouragement, and sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

Good suggestion Katie. The Martian with Matt Damon is out for rent.

[jen1447]

Thanks for your time, encouragement, and sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

Good suggestion Katie. The Martian with Matt Damon is out for rent.

 

I watched that the other night - good choice.

[katiegrl]

Thanks for your time, encouragement, and sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

Good suggestion Katie. The Martian with Matt Damon is out for rent.

 

The Revenant! Out in theatres. Buy some popcorn and enjoy!

 

THAT will take your mind off things ....for sure!!!!

[hippychick3]

I think that as far as exclusivity goes, you have to decide for yourself how much time is "okay" for him to cave and it not be a fade away. I would not personally be okay with more than a couple days of silence after a month of dating while others may be okay for a couple weeks. I think it's a very individual thing. But the point is, YOU have the power to make that call and when YOUR time is up, you can decide it's over and move on.

 

Hopefully, it won't come to that. But, if he takes too long for you, you get to decide if that works for you or not. And, if it doesn't, it's good it was only a month in and not years.

 

Enjoy the movies and turn your phone off

[GemmaUK]

and he asked me if I thought he should wait or call his employer to clarify. I said based on the fact his employer specifically told him he was on the team from Jan 11th then yes he should call his boss and ask him to update him. It's legitimate of him to want to know.

 

He said ok he was going to do that.

 

 

This seems very odd to me.

He is a contractor.

New or old to contracting you keep your hand in various pies for just this situation as the job is not permanent and you prepare for it happening anytime. Plus you know what to do when it happens.

Losing a perm job I could understand and I would likely close off too but having contracted in the past it wouldn't stop me dating as I would know in a week or so I would be back contracting again.

 

Sorry Gaeta but I think this is an excuse not to see you.

[S_A]

I thought Gone Girl was such an amazing movie that nobody ever talks about. Love that movie! Even if you hate Afflect its totally watchable. TBH, I thought he was good for the movie.

[No_Go]

Hope he's telling the truth... It is still very weird to me why would he decline communication the weekend before the event.

 

In any case you'd know very soon what is going on - I think you're on the right track with 2 week timeframe - if he's genuine but just stressed he'd contact you.

 

He started worrying on Friday. That night he kept me 3 hours on the phone and he spoke in length about it.

 

This contract was going to give him months of work. In his case it does mean he's out of job.

 

But maybe he is pulling away. Anything is possible. It's not like I have not gone through this 100 times already.

[Gaeta]

This seems very odd to me.

He is a contractor.

New or old to contracting you keep your hand in various pies for just this situation as the job is not permanent and you prepare for it happening anytime. Plus you know what to do when it happens.

Losing a perm job I could understand and I would likely close off too but having contracted in the past it wouldn't stop me dating as I would know in a week or so I would be back contracting again.

 

Sorry Gaeta but I think this is an excuse not to see you.

 

He is not a contractor.

 

He is an employee and works for a contractor. He came here from France to work for them. They arranged his work visa. He's just been here one year. It's a lot to take to move abroad, trying to fit in, then losing a job, etc. Depending how beat down he is he may opt to go back to France.

[carhill]

Yeah, if his work visa depends on his employer, I can see how he'd be bummed.

[No_Go]

Ouch he's on a work visa.... That starts to make sense

 

He is not a contractor.

 

He is an employee and works for a contractor. He came here from France to work for them. They arranged his work visa. He's just been here one year. It's a lot to take to move abroad, trying to fit in, then losing a job, etc. Depending how beat down he is he may opt to go back to France.

[GemmaUK]

OK, different scenario entirely...

 

Does he have a general work visa or only with this contractor?

[katiegrl]

He is not a contractor.

 

He is an employee and works for a contractor. He came here from France to work for them. They arranged his work visa. He's just been here one year. It's a lot to take to move abroad, trying to fit in, then losing a job, etc. Depending how beat down he is he may opt to go back to France.

 

....and he may be distancing himself now precisely because he is thinking about moving back to France.

 

This is all beginning to make sense now.....

[Maggie4]

I went through a bit of that with a German man in the US. I don't know how it is in Canada, here the employer that got you the visa basically owns you, and some companies really take unfair advantage. It's an ongoing stress, unless you sever ties with the company.

One would think that when a man's job is not secure, he doesn't want to date. Sometimes the opposite is true. A man feeling job anxiety may plunge into a relationship full force. In my experience, when that happens, there's almost a sense of urgency to get the relationship right.

As for not contacting you, I'm someone who goes into the woman-cave, so I can kind of relate. The amount of time acceptable depends on the individual and really hard to quantify it generally. Most of the time the person disappearing knows he is risking the relationship, and he takes that risk.