Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[Gaeta]

OK, different scenario entirely...

 

Does he have a general work visa or only with this contractor?

 

I don't know anything about visa so l would not have known what questions to ask.

[carhill]

If his work permit isn't open (unlikely it is), rather specific to a particular employer, if that job goes south and he wanted to continue to work in Canada, he'd need to apply for a new work permit, at a cost, after securing a new contract or commitment. If he was staking his work on this employer, I can see why he'd go dark to reassess.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, this could be a very big can of worms for him. Sit back and let things happen as they will, Gaeta. My heart goes out to you, and I can only imagine how he might be feeling too.

 

But let's keep this in perspective, it's only been a month. You really haven't seen all there is to see about him and whether or not this "relationship" would get legs. My point is, it's better that this happens now than maybe further down the road.

 

And, this is something you need to take note of for the future as well. Dating men who are not citizens or in the country on visas carry another set of caveats in terms of dating them.

[Gaeta]

Yeah, this could be a very big can of worms for him. Sit back and let things happen as they will, Gaeta. My heart goes out to you, and I can only imagine how he might be feeling too.

 

But let's keep this in perspective, it's only been a month. You really haven't seen all there is to see about him and whether or not this "relationship" would get legs. My point is, it's better that this happens now than maybe further down the road.

 

And, this is something you need to take note of for the future as well. Dating men who are not citizens or in the country on visas carry another set of caveats in terms of dating them.

 

Thank you.

 

When we had our first coffee together he explained his situation briefly. I asked if there was any chances of him going back and he said no, he's here to stay and he had hired a lawyer to work on his permanent residency and went on about when it's done his eldest son will move here too. I guess it gave me a false sens of security.

[TaraMaiden2]

....When we had our first coffee together he explained his situation briefly. I asked if there was any chances of him going back and he said no, he's here to stay and he had hired a lawyer to work on his permanent residency and went on about when it's done his eldest son will move here too. I guess it gave me a false sens of security.

And he was probably speaking the truth, too. At that time, he can have had no idea at all of the iminent changes to his professional situation....

He may have given you a 'false sense of security' but I'm sure it wasn't intended to be false.

Quite the contrary....

[carhill]

IMO, with the new information, a dark week should be plenty to figure stuff out and decide next steps (for him). IMO, touch base in a week and, unless he has a clear statement of intent, exercise your boundary. If that is exclusivity and waiting, then that. If it is transitioning back to socializing with other men, that. Whatever it is, IMO resolve it and move forward. At our age, well my age anyway, involuntary holds aren't my cuppa anymore. Life's too short.

[Redhead14]

Thank you.

 

When we had our first coffee together he explained his situation briefly. I asked if there was any chances of him going back and he said no, he's here to stay and he had hired a lawyer to work on his permanent residency and went on about when it's done his eldest son will move here too. I guess it gave me a false sens of security.

 

This doesn't jive with the situation he is describing now. If he is in the country on a work visa, the visa has an expiration date and has to be renewed and supported by the employer. There was a distinct possibility that he might have to go home at some point. I am not liking this scenario anymore at all.

 

Even if he has a lawyer working on permanent residency/green card, that is a long and involved process. So any kind of visa he might have would likely expire before that could be accomplished. How long has he been there already anyway? The laws may be different up there, but something doesn't make sense to me. I am always a little suspicious when the subject of residency comes up in a new relationship . . .

 

And, I agree with Carhill somewhat. This is a new ballgame. Exclusivity is moot. Take it off the table and prepare for moving on.

[Els]

Oh, if he's on a work visa that's tied to his employer's sponsorship, then that does change things. It seems likely that he might have to go back to France in that case, so it's understandable if you don't want to do a LDR with someone you've only known for a month.

 

I don't think he was lying to you about his intentions, it sounds like he really was planning to stay, he wasn't expecting this wrench to be thrown into his plans either.

[Els]

Even if he has a lawyer working on permanent residency/green card, that is a long and involved process. So any kind of visa he might have would likely expire before that could be accomplished. How long has he been there already anyway? The laws may be different up there, but something doesn't make sense to me. I am always a little suspicious when the subject of residency comes up in a new relationship . . .

 

AFAIK, aside from the US, most countries don't have a 'lottery' system when it comes to permanent residency applications by skilled migrants - you don't have to wait years and years hoping that your name gets pulled out of the bag. Where I live, the vast majority of skilled migrant applications can almost count on getting their residency if they fulfill all of the criteria and have a spotless criminal/medical record (as long as they don't lose their job, of course). I think Canada might be similar in that regard from what I've heard.

[Redhead14]

AFAIK, aside from the US, most countries don't have a 'lottery' system when it comes to permanent residency applications by skilled migrants - you don't have to wait years and years hoping that your name gets pulled out of the bag. Where I live, the vast majority of skilled migrant applications can almost count on getting their residency if they fulfill all of the criteria and have a spotless criminal/medical record. I think Canada might be similar in that regard from what I've heard.

 

The US doesn't have a lottery system but it does take some time and will give permanent work visas but that is a different application process. Nevertheless, if what you say is true for Canada, then I don't see why he would be so worked up by it all. We just need a little more information about his situation I guess. At this moment, I'm wary at least.

[Gaeta]

I know my specific Province and France have a privileged agreement concerning immigration because of our common culture and language. It's made much easier.

 

He told me he got here on a tourist visa then that company got him a working visa. Can someone have 2 visas? He's been here since March 2015.

[katiegrl]

This doesn't jive with the situation he is describing now. If he is in the country on a work visa, the visa has an expiration date and has to be renewed and supported by the employer. There was a distinct possibility that he might have to go home at some point. I am not liking this scenario anymore at all.

 

Are you suggesting he was BS'ing Gaeta when he told her he was here to stay?

 

I don't think so, at least not intentionally. He was probably very excited when he met her....so the power of positive thinking/wishful thinking came into play.

 

I am sure he is just as disappointed as she is.

 

I am not crazy about him ignoring her calls right now....but he may not know how to handle this, if in fact, he is seriously considering going back to France.

 

He may be feeling guilty.... thinking perhaps he led her on. Not intentionally, but that's what he may be thinking.

 

Time will tell.

[Redhead14]

Are you suggesting he was BS'ing Gaeta when he told her he was here to stay?

 

I don't think so, at least not intentionally. He was probably very excited when he met her....so the power of positive thinking/wishful thinking came into play.

 

I am sure he is just as disappointed as she is.

 

I am not crazy about him ignoring her calls right now....but he may not know how to handle this, if in fact, he is seriously considering going back to France.

 

He may be feeling guilty.... thinking perhaps he led her on. Not intentionally, but that's what he may be thinking.

 

Time will tell.

 

We just kinda went down a different possible scenario after she gave more information that seems conflicting to me at least. Just a little radar blip.

 

I still think she should sit it out and see what happens. It's got to be hard being in the dark on top of it. Hoping it will work out somehow for her/them. But, you know me, manage emotions and expectations always

[carhill]

French passport holders travel to Canada visa-free, for six month stays max. What he has is a permit to work tied to the employer. This presumes his story is valid and accurate.

 

Since he's been here since March, he's past the end of the stay period, apparently OK if on a work permit but will need to extend his stay if that permit expires due to termination of work with that employer. This presumes no other contacts or processes with Canadian immigration.

 

Regardless, this stuff is pretty easy to plow through and he can get through it in less than a day, to figure out a plan of action. Maybe longer if he has some other job offers available and wants to solidify a work permit application for that. Still, not onerous or debilitating. Pretty straightforward, whatever the process.

 

While we may be discussing all this stuff, it's really not the concern of a dating partner. That's how guys tend to think. We work that stuff out on our own. Rugged individualists and all that. If he's genuine in all this, my instinct is that he will be in contact presently. No idea on news but he will contact you. Until then, plenty of other stuff to do having nothing to do with his immigration/residency/work. You're already doing all that stuff for yourself as a citizen. His problem is his problem.

[No_Go]

Redhead, what would you say in his situation?

 

I recently went through similar situation (in US, not Canada, which is btw worse). I was on a terrible visa, J1, and self petitioned a skill based Green card.

Applied Sep 2014, got it May 2015. However, I met my BF in March. I HAD to tell him very early on in the relationship, and I did tell him I'm staying 100%... because I've explored possibilities, and made backup plans.

 

Glad that he didn't consider its deal breaker.... Sure, there was a small chance to fail, but should have I led on with that?

 

Gaeta's guy just got the short stick That (losing job) is kind of the only way to fail immigration procedure presuming his criminal/medical checks are clean.

 

This doesn't jive with the situation he is describing now. If he is in the country on a work visa, the visa has an expiration date and has to be renewed and supported by the employer. There was a distinct possibility that he might have to go home at some point. I am not liking this scenario anymore at all.

 

Even if he has a lawyer working on permanent residency/green card, that is a long and involved process. So any kind of visa he might have would likely expire before that could be accomplished. How long has he been there already anyway? The laws may be different up there, but something doesn't make sense to me. I am always a little suspicious when the subject of residency comes up in a new relationship . . .

 

And, I agree with Carhill somewhat. This is a new ballgame. Exclusivity is moot. Take it off the table and prepare for moving on.

[Redhead14]

French passport holders travel to Canada visa-free, for six month stays max. What he has is a permit to work tied to the employer. This presumes his story is valid and accurate.

 

Since he's been here since March, he's past the end of the stay period, apparently OK if on a work permit but will need to extend his stay if that permit expires due to termination of work with that employer. This presumes no other contacts or processes with Canadian immigration.

 

Regardless, this stuff is pretty easy to plow through and he can get through it in less than a day, to figure out a plan of action. Maybe longer if he has some other job offers available and wants to solidify a work permit application for that. Still, not onerous or debilitating. Pretty straightforward, whatever the process.

 

While we may be discussing all this stuff, it's really not the concern of a dating partner. That's how guys tend to think. We work that stuff out on our own. Rugged individualists and all that. If he's genuine in all this, my instinct is that he will be in contact presently. No idea on news but he will contact you. Until then, plenty of other stuff to do having nothing to do with his immigration/residency/work. You're already doing all that stuff for yourself as a citizen. His problem is his problem.

 

I agree with you for the most part. My issue now is that this is what he said he's been worrying about but according to you and other posters, it isn't that huge of a deal, he might need a day or so to straighten out, but to me it sounded like he's being a little melodramatic about it. He mentioned being "distant" to her a couple of weeks ago, apparently, and she said she didn't notice it. So, IMO, he's been setting this scenario up for a while.

[Gaeta]

I agree with you for the most part. My issue now is that this is what he said he's been worrying about but according to you and other posters, it isn't that huge of a deal, he might need a day or so to straighten out, but to me it sounded like he's being a little melodramatic about it. He mentioned being "distant" to her a couple of weeks ago, apparently, and she said she didn't notice it. So, IMO, he's been setting this scenario up for a while.

 

Just to be precised. When we spoke his worries were about his job, he did not mention his visa situation to me.

 

It could be the heart of his problem but he did not spoke of those worries with me. We're extrapolating it will be a problem for him of course.

[Gaeta]

Redhead: Are you seeing a citizenship scam on me or something?

[Redhead14]

Redhead: Are you seeing a citizenship scam on me or something?

 

I can't say I'm seeing it per se, I'm just kinda "hearing" it a tiny bit -- a little bit of inconsistency and grayness, and setting up that's all. And, it may just be that we need a little more info to fill in the blanks that get filled in by, well, speculation. Just wait it out. He might call you tonight or tomorrow, who knows. Just pay attention. I'm thinking that there is more to it all than he's told you. I hope I'm wrong. I can't help but be cautious. It's you, Gaeta, wanna make sure bases are covered Like I said, other posters have said that it's not such a big deal up there, and he's been mentioning distance/worries for two weeks plus ??? Eh, I dunno. We just have to wait it out and hope for the best.

[katiegrl]

I can't say I'm seeing it per se, I'm just kinda "hearing" it a tiny bit -- a little bit of inconsistency and grayness, and setting up that's all. And, it may just be that we need a little more info to fill in the blanks that get filled in by, well, speculation. Just wait it out. He might call you tonight or tomorrow, who knows. Just pay attention. I'm thinking that there is more to it all than he's told you. I hope I'm wrong. I can't help but be cautious. It's you, Gaeta, wanna make sure bases are covered Like I said, other posters have said that it's not such a big deal up there, and he's been mentioning distance/worries for two weeks plus ??? Eh, I dunno. We just have to wait it out and hope for the best.

 

RH....what is it you suspect he might be "setting up" though? They've been dating a month....not long. If he wanted to end it, he just would.

 

What's there to "set up"?

 

Can you clarify? You've lost me.

Edited January 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[carhill]

Yeah, this guy being from France (heh, I just did the 'trust but verify' by looking at his passport jig ) merely needs to go here and connect the dots and it's a no brainer. Canada likes the French. Just let them know one is there and hang out. It's not like he needs to do a K1 scam like we always watched out for back in the day. He can stay and visit or work, legally, with little issue.

[losangelena]

Redhead: Are you seeing a citizenship scam on me or something?

 

Not speaking for Red or anything, but I doubt it. I dunno, my ex's tendency was to always speak of visa issues from a best-case scenario perspective. It wasn't until about 10 months into our relationship that he admitted he wasn't sure if he could stay (because, I kid you not, one word was changed in his official job description, "solutions engineer" vs "solutions architect"), but I also felt like the immigration attorneys at his company were a bit alarmist. Not that it matters to my life now, but as far as I know, he's still here, and he's beyond his six-year work visa limit, so he must be in the green card process—e.g., it was a lot of handwringing for nothing.

 

Anyway, I personally don't think he was lying to you (I hope not). I think maybe he was just a bit more optimistic then when he told you. Not having lived anywhere else, I don't know what it feels like, but I get the feeling that the specter of having to go back to a home country can be quite stressful.

 

Honestly (and I say this in all the respect in the world, Gaeta), I think it would do you some good to just try and focus on something else for a while. Stop posting here, ruminating, turning it over in your head. You're only getting yourself more upset, more suspicious, more worked up. I feel like just a few weeks ago you were scared that he hadn't brought up the matter of exclusivity, only to have that conversation go quite smoothly in the end.

 

Give him some time, and save your judgements for if, when and how he responds. He might pop back up tomorrow, you never know. I know you're concerned, but you're also a smart woman with a full life—go live it for a while.

[Els]

The US doesn't have a lottery system but it does take some time and will give permanent work visas but that is a different application process. Nevertheless, if what you say is true for Canada, then I don't see why he would be so worked up by it all. We just need a little more information about his situation I guess. At this moment, I'm wary at least.

 

Really? I've heard from my friends who have emigrated to the US that you only have a chance each year of being selected, even if you fulfill all the requirements.

 

I don't think you understand how skilled migration works - his residency might have been in the bag IF he had managed to keep his current job (and by relation, his work visa). Without that job he likely will not be able to get residency.

[katiegrl]

Is it just me....or does anyone else think it might simply be that he feels things with Gaeta took off too fast (even though he was the one calling, texting every night, etc)...and he's simply needing to step back a bit to take a breath?

 

How many times have we read about this --- man pursues woman, things move to fast, man pulls back... woman starts becoming anxious after which she starts calling/texting..... chasing? Which leads to him pulling back even more and needing MORE space!

 

The work excuse is just that.....an excuse. He simply needs to take a break to catch his breath. The best thing Gaeta (or any woman) can do when this happens is to leave him alone.

This is what my gut is telling me based on everything Gaeta has shared with us from the beginning of this relationship, which became a "relationship" very quickly.

 

Things just got too comfortable (for him)....too fast.

 

I could be wrong of course, again just what my gut is telling me.

[losangelena]

Is it just me....or does anyone else think it might simply be that he feels things with Gaeta took off too fast (even though he was the one calling, texting every night, etc)...and he's simply needing to step back a bit to take a breath?

 

How many times have we read about this --- man pursues woman, things move to fast, man pulls back... woman starts becoming anxious after which she starts calling/texting..... chasing? Which leads to him pulling back even more and needing MORE space!

 

The work excuse is just that.....an excuse. He simply needs to take a break to catch his breath. The best thing Gaeta (or any woman) can do when this happens is to leave him alone.

This is what my gut is telling me based on everything Gaeta has shared with us from the beginning of this relationship, which became a "relationship" very quickly.

 

Things just got too comfortable (for him)....too fast.

 

I could be wrong of course, again just what my gut is telling me.

 

I think we should give Gaeta a break and stop talking about for now. Let's all reconvene in a few days to see how things are.