Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[Gaeta]

So, when is the next date?

 

He came over last night till today. We're gonna see each other probably Wednesday or Thursday. We passed the point of setting up dates. We talk about it and decide which days/nights are good for both of us. Usually 2-3 times a week.

[Gaeta]

Except that it would be completely inappropriate for you to drop by the place of the man who stopped answering your texts and calls.

 

It's not the same thing at all for the person who has lost phone service to drop by and leave a note explaining that.

 

I know but that's how he felt. Who knows maybe in the past he did that and he was not welcomed or he found something he didn't want to find.

[Natalie8]

Im very happy for you

[Gaeta]

Everyone who contracts has a LinkedIn profile. That's the way people find a job today and if he had an OLD profile, he clearly isn't illiterate. Now I'm sure he is a liar.

 

Even if he had a linkedIn account, he does not have InTERNET. EVEN if he had Internet AND a linkedIn account I DON'T have a linkedIn account !

[dobielover]

Even if he had a linkedIn account, he does not have InTERNET. EVEN if he had Internet AND a linkedIn account I DON'T have a linkedIn account !

 

Didn't you meet him online?

 

Doesn't the work he does involve a computer?

[Gaeta]

Didn't you meet him online?

 

Doesn't the work he does involve a computer?

 

We met on a dating site that his friend set up for him and we both deleted our account.

 

No he works in renovation.

 

He knows the basic like going in his bank account, his email and google-ing things but he does not have Internet home. He uses his phone for these tasks so no phone, no Internet.

[Art_Critic]

giving passes is okay.. I'm normally the first person to give someone a pass.. but now you have been thru this you need to keep your eyes open for the next thing, I'm not going to debate with you either since it won't help you but just beware that his story while believed by you really isn't as believable as you have believed in it, part of that is rose colored glasses so have fun and if another flag is thrown then you have your answer and if one isn't then you have your reassurance that you were right

[katiegrl]

Gaeta.... if you are comfortable with his reason (losing phone) then that's all that matters. YOU are the one dating him, not any of us.

 

FWIW though, I do think he needed some space which is 100% absolutely FINE.... but simply wasn't comfortable telling you that ... so made up this elaborate excuse, which I think even if you were to read this coming from another poster, you would agree.

 

HOWEVER, that said, hopefully you have communicated to him... that going forward you are A-Okay with him taking a few days time out.... so he knows he can be truthful about it should he ever feel inclined to need some space again. Open and honest communication is key!

 

I also think it's okay that you chose to give him a pass. Your RL is very new and you are still learning about each other -- and I agree, this was a small glitch that you worked out...and can now move forward stronger and closer for having gone through it.

 

Good luck!

[Maggie4]

Does he still have no job?

 

The guy I knew started looking in the US for a better job while on the work visa of the crappy job. He found one, and so didn't have to leave.

 

With older people, this is a decision to relocate to another country, it's not student exchange where you just go back. He probably has no home in France to go back to, it's not like young people going back to their parents' home.

[No_Go]

I agree with Katie. I do not believe his excuse as well (especially considering he blow you off the weekend before), but let's give him the benefit of the doubt since he probably just needed some space.

 

How did your meeting go? How is his job/visa situation?

[Gaeta]

I believe his phone died. He brought it with him and showed me. Phone company gave him a temporary old phone for the weekend so he can pick up his new real phone today.

 

Could he have made an extra effort to reach me? Yes he could have.

 

Could he have needed some time alone? Yes I am open to believe so too.

 

One thing I am happy about is when he got his chip in the temporary phone he only got ONE text from me in which I was very calm and civil and telling him to let me know what is going on and if he doesn't want to pursue further with me, I'm a big girl, it's ok too.

 

Even though I came across as a mad and frantic woman on here that's not what he saw. He saw I kept my cool, no drama, tried to reach him once only. When we spoke about it last night I was not mad or accusatory. I gave him my complete info and said please don't do that again.

 

Of course how he will behave in the next few weeks be observed.

[Gaeta]

Does he still have no job?

 

How did your meeting go? How is his job/visa situation?

 

He said he has no idea what is going with the job as his phone was dead so no one could reach him. He added he is probably off the team for good but it's ok. He said he came here to start a company, he would have like a year or so on work force to make contacts but he'll just get right into it.

 

It's probably the big thinking he had to do.

 

I did tell him last night I felt he needed time away to make decisions and solve his problems and he said yes, he did need to withdraw but that's not why he didn't call.

 

We had a good time last night and he stayed the night. He was very loving and attentive. When he left he said 'I want to tell you you have not lost me not even for 1 minute'.

[katiegrl]

I believe his phone died. He brought it with him and showed me. Phone company gave him a temporary old phone for the weekend so he can pick up his new real phone today.

 

Could he have made an extra effort to reach me? Yes he could have.

 

Could he have needed some time alone? Yes I am open to believe so too.

 

One thing I am happy about is when he got his chip in the temporary phone he only got ONE text from me in which I was very calm and civil and telling him to let me know what is going on and if he doesn't want to pursue further with me, I'm a big girl, it's ok too.

Even though I came across as a mad and frantic woman on here that's not what he saw. He saw I kept my cool, no drama, tried to reach him once only. When we spoke about it last night I was not mad or accusatory. I gave him my complete info and said please don't do that again.

 

Of course how he will behave in the next few weeks be observed.

 

Yes .... and you also showed him you were moving on too... as indicated by your creating a new profile on Badoo, which I am convinced he saw.... which motivated him to contact you ASAP.

 

Which is actually good...it shows he DID NOT want to take the risk of losing you to another guy.

 

JMO but I think it's telling he came back that day after (or was it the day OF) your creating your new profile.

 

In any event.... like I said, small glitch, you worked it out.... and going forward you're keeping eyes wide open.

 

Wish y'all the best!

[Timshel]

Gaeta, I adore you. Of course, I will follow with unpleasant talk.

 

I don't believe his excuses. I would never accept this behavior. I think he stinks and will hurt you.

 

So you have kept him overnight despite your troubles and worry.

 

I think highly of you but I can't agree with your decision to reconcile. What I think is of no consequence....you are the one who has to enjoy what ever this man throws you.

 

Someone yelled at me once as I was walking out the door for a date...'he's not good enough for you.' I poo pooed and went merrily along. They were right.

 

Anyway, wish you well beautiful woman and hope that I am wrong. XX

[carhill]

OTOH, I'd kill to have this guy's stuff for a month. Over 300 posts on this topic and not only has he recovered this, they're not dating anymore but are apparently in a relationship. That's skills. Kudos to him. OK, France is one place I haven't been. Need to go there. Thanks and good luck!

[Gaeta]

I don't know what you guys want to hear.

 

I saw the busted phone. I saw the refurbished phone with no Internet.

 

I have known since day 1 he has no Internet home.

 

When I created a profile on Badoo this weekend his profile was nowhere to be found. It was deleted or hidden. And if he had no Internet how could he go on Badoo and see me.

 

I don't know why it's so hard to believe that phones sometimes die.

 

Anyway, future will tell.

[Redhead14]

Gaeta, I adore you. Of course, I will follow with unpleasant talk.

 

I don't believe his excuses. I would never accept this behavior. I think he stinks and will hurt you.

 

So you have kept him overnight despite your troubles and worry.

 

I think highly of you but I can't agree with your decision to reconcile. What I think is of no consequence....you are the one who has to enjoy what ever this man throws you.

 

Someone yelled at me once as I was walking out the door for a date...'he's not good enough for you.' I poo pooed and went merrily along. They were right.

 

Anyway, wish you well beautiful woman and hope that I am wrong. XX

 

I agree that she shouldn't have allowed him to stay the night. I would have hit the "reset button" so to speak and rewound the clock to an earlier point where he would be demonstrating his sincere interest and she would observing again.

 

Nevertheless, she did do that and now she needs to observe what he does in the next week or so.

[Gaeta]

I don't believe in rewinding relationships. Right now we need to rebuild closeness, not destroy it.

[soph-walker]

Good grief, Gaeta, after reading this thread fully, my thoughts are that he is telling the truth about his phone, but he has acted selfishly for sure - of which I'm sure you're aware.

 

I really hope he redeems himself and acts the way he should do after being off radar and keeping you in the dark.

 

Sending you positive vibes and a high five at keeping your dignity throughout all of this.

[xxoo]

We had a good time last night and he stayed the night. He was very loving and attentive. When he left he said 'I want to tell you you have not lost me not even for 1 minute'.

 

But you lost him for 5 days What does he mean by that? Is he saying that his behavior reflects his normal relationship behavior?

 

How do you feel toward him, Gaeta? Is there a sense of self-protectiveness present now, protecting your heart a bit from falling for him before he proves himself?

[jen1447]

I don't know what you guys want to hear.

 

I think mainly some tangible reassurance that you've got your eyes open and your wits about you.

 

I hope to god I'm wrong Gaeta but everything about this says "con" to me, and I think that's what many here are tuning into - seeing the likelihood of sth dodgy going down but also seeing you look like you're a bit blind to it. And then worrying for you.

 

Good con men base their larger lies on smaller truths, so even if the phone thing is true the bigger overall implausibility remains. I'm sorry but I've heard more or less this same basic story, w/a few different details thrown in for variety, quite a few times. And it always ends up being the same thing.

 

Well hopefully not this time anyway.

[Imajerk17]

I am happy for you Gaeta that things are back on.

 

But taking a 30,000-foot view here....man. In <5 days we have a 20-something page thread, a created and then deleted OLD account (I think I don't know much about Badu) and I'm sure other stuff--I've only skimmed this thread.

 

This just does not strike me as a good way to be managing dating relationships.

[Gaeta]

But you lost him for 5 days What does he mean by that? Is he saying that his behavior reflects his normal relationship behavior?

 

How do you feel toward him, Gaeta? Is there a sense of self-protectiveness present now, protecting your heart a bit from falling for him before he proves himself?

 

He means his absence was not about not wanting to be with me.

 

Yes I feel I need to observe how this will unfold in the next couple of weeks.

[katiegrl]

I don't know what you guys want to hear.

 

I saw the busted phone. I saw the refurbished phone with no Internet.

 

I have known since day 1 he has no Internet home.

 

When I created a profile on Badoo this weekend his profile was nowhere to be found. It was deleted or hidden. And if he had no Internet how could he go on Badoo and see me.

 

I don't know why it's so hard to believe that phones sometimes die.

Anyway, future will tell.

 

Phones do die sometimes Gaeta, no one is debating that. However, most people, when their phones die, would move mountains to get in touch with their SO.... to let them know their phones died. That's like a no brainer IMO.

 

Which, if necessary, means driving by their SOs home to leave a note. As opposed to doing nothing, leaving their SO to think god only knows what for six days....which IMO is inconsiderate and disrespectful

 

That is why his story sounds so unbelievable to some of us, that's all.

 

Now assuming he just needed some space, which again IMO is fine... he just needs to learn to communicate that to you.... since you are, in fact, in a relationship and not just dating.

 

Hopefully he knows that now....and will do so going forward.

 

Common courtesy and respect.

 

Again, JMO....obviously you are doing what is right for you which like I said is all that matters.... you're the one dating him.

[Amelie1980]

My last one was a total a$$hat. But even he came up with more plausible excuses than that. He was very ill with a chest infection and not fit to flirt, etc.

 

I am sorry but that very long winded excuse....I would have to quote the immortal words from Hamlet:

 

The lady doth protest too much methinks