Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[Redhead14]

RH....what is it you suspect he might be "setting up" though? They've been dating a month....if he wanted to end it, he just would. There's nothing to "set up." Not IMO anyway.

 

Can you clarify? You've lost me.

 

I am not thinking he wants to end it, I'm thinking he wants to keep her but I'm questioning his motives.

 

1) They've been dating a month and they are already exclusive (moving quickly, in my IMO). Get her on the hook . . .

2) When they first met for coffee, he told her he was there for good

3) Two weeks later, he's telling her that if he seems distant (which she didn't notice), it's because he's got some worries/issues, etc

4) Then he keeps her on the phone for 3 hours talking about worries. If he's going to be distant, that's a strange way of being distant. Seems melodramatic to me. Playing on sympathies. And, at one month, he shouldn't be doing this kind of thing anyway really. And, now, he's not so chatty . . . inconsistent.

5) Now his job is in danger, possible visa problem (according to other posters, the visa thing isn't a big deal in Canada -- takes a day or so to straighten out -- IF, there isn't anything else to cause a problem.

6) Now gone dark. Keep her worrying about him so that when he resurfaces needing her help, she'll be all in . . .

 

He's gone from getting her on the hook and telling her he's there to stay

to visa problem/job loss in a month . . . could be coincidence, but . . . just smells like a set up to me.

 

May sound a little paranoid, but I'd rather say it and have it not be true than not say it and have her caught up in something she doesn't need. My sister was married for one year to a man from Italy who did something like this scenario, when he left and told her that the only reason he married her was so that he could stay here . . .

[katiegrl]

I think we should give Gaeta a break and stop talking about for now. Let's all reconvene in a few days to see how things are.

 

Okay....and agree.

 

Gaeta knows how I feel about this anyway so it's fine..

 

But yeah all this talk about work/visas... it's getting a bit out of control.

 

Gaeta, take care of you.

 

Fingers crossed this all works out the way you want it to!

[BluEyeL]

I'm am immigrant in the United States, now an US Citizen since 2010, and I know a bit about immigration in Canada as well. I first came on a student visa, F1, and got a green card 7 years later, self-application, also skill based as No Go.

 

As far as I remember from the time when I was thinking "If I don't get the green card, I'll just immigrate to Canada", Canada is pretty easy to immigrate into. Not such a huge deal as immigration in the U.S. I don't think he'd have a huge problem turning that work visa into permanent residency. Maybe he doesn't want the trouble because he's coming from France, not from Romania like me so big deal, why worry, go back to France. But not because he couldn't stay in Canada, if he's skilled in a technical field.

 

Redhead, U.S.A. has a visa lottery system. It is not open to all nations, a few are excluded ,but most can apply. I applied 4 times, never won, I had to go the way of hard work and put in the time.

 

I also have a suspicion that these MIGHT be excuses. But they might not be, he may be in a bad mood and say "eff it all with Canada" or whatever... My advice is to go radio silent and if he comes back with apologies etc. you take it from there. I'm sorry you're going through this kind of anxiety once again. It truly is a bummer. Hope it ends well though.

[preraph]

Sorry to hear that happened to you. I had someone I might have actually really loved who was long-distance and this happened to him right when we should have met. We never recovered. By the time he was ready I was working two jobs and visiting the hospital every day with a loved one and just exhausted and no room for anyone new.

 

You tell him, Just remember, I didn't walk out on you. This wasn't me. Then tell him you hope he feels more himself soon.

[BluEyeL]

I am not thinking he wants to end it, I'm thinking he wants to keep her but I'm questioning his motives.

 

1) They've been dating a month and they are already exclusive (moving quickly, in my IMO). Get her on the hook . . .

2) When they first met for coffee, he told her he was there for good

3) Two weeks later, he's telling her that if he seems distant (which she didn't notice), it's because he's got some worries/issues, etc

4) Then he keeps her on the phone for 3 hours talking about worries. If he's going to be distant, that's a strange way of being distant. Seems melodramatic to me. Playing on sympathies. And, at one month, he shouldn't be doing this kind of thing anyway really. And, now, he's not so chatty . . . inconsistent.

5) Now his job is in danger, possible visa problem (according to other posters, the visa thing isn't a big deal in Canada -- takes a day or so to straighten out -- IF, there isn't anything else to cause a problem.

6) Now gone dark. Keep her worrying about him so that when he resurfaces needing her help, she'll be all in . . .

 

He's gone from getting her on the hook and telling her he's there to stay

to visa problem/job loss in a month . . . could be coincidence, but . . . just smells like a set up to me.

 

May sound a little paranoid, but I'd rather say it and have it not be true than not say it and have her caught up in something she doesn't need. My sister was married for one year to a man from Italy who did something like this scenario, when he left and told her that the only reason he married her was so that he could stay here . . .

I'd be more suspicious if they were in the US, I don't think you need such shenanigans as a French citizen, to get residency in Canada. Immigration to Canada is a piece of cake. That is, if you have a degree or something. He seems to be working for some company, so I wouldn't think he would have a problem even if he got fired if he petitions and shows he has the said skills and could find employment.

[Redhead14]

I'm am immigrant in the United States, now an US Citizen since 2010, and I know a bit about immigration in Canada as well. I first came on a student visa, F1, and got a green card 7 years later, self-application, also skill based as No Go.

 

As far as I remember from the time when I was thinking "If I don't get the green card, I'll just immigrate to Canada", Canada is pretty easy to immigrate into. Not such a huge deal as immigration in the U.S. I don't think he'd have a huge problem turning that work visa into permanent residency. Maybe he doesn't want the trouble because he's coming from France, not from Romania like me so big deal, why worry, go back to France. But not because he couldn't stay in Canada, if he's skilled in a technical field.

 

Redhead, U.S.A. has a visa lottery system. It is not open to all nations, a few are excluded ,but most can apply. I applied 4 times, never won, I had to go the way of hard work and put in the time.

 

I also have a suspicion that these MIGHT be excuses. But they might not be, he may be in a bad mood and say "eff it all with Canada" or whatever... My advice is to go radio silent and if he comes back with apologies etc. you take it from there. I'm sorry you're going through this kind of anxiety once again. It truly is a bummer. Hope it ends well though.

 

I understand what you're saying about "lottery" system not open to all nations. I guess I don't think of it like a lottery though. And, yes, that's what I mean't, most people do have to go the hard route and that takes a lot of time here.

[BluEyeL]

I understand what you're saying about "lottery" system not open to all nations. I guess I don't think of it like a lottery though. And, yes, that's what I mean't, most people do have to go the hard route and that takes a lot of time here.

Not this lottery?

https://www.dvlottery.state.gov/

[Gaeta]

I am not thinking he wants to end it, I'm thinking he wants to keep her but I'm questioning his motives.

 

1) They've been dating a month and they are already exclusive (moving quickly, in my IMO). Get her on the hook . . .

2) When they first met for coffee, he told her he was there for good

3) Two weeks later, he's telling her that if he seems distant (which she didn't notice), it's because he's got some worries/issues, etc

4) Then he keeps her on the phone for 3 hours talking about worries. If he's going to be distant, that's a strange way of being distant. Seems melodramatic to me. Playing on sympathies. And, at one month, he shouldn't be doing this kind of thing anyway really. And, now, he's not so chatty . . . inconsistent.

5) Now his job is in danger, possible visa problem (according to other posters, the visa thing isn't a big deal in Canada -- takes a day or so to straighten out -- IF, there isn't anything else to cause a problem.

6) Now gone dark. Keep her worrying about him so that when he resurfaces needing her help, she'll be all in . . .

 

He's gone from getting her on the hook and telling her he's there to stay

to visa problem/job loss in a month . . . could be coincidence, but . . . just smells like a set up to me.

 

May sound a little paranoid, but I'd rather say it and have it not be true than not say it and have her caught up in something she doesn't need. My sister was married for one year to a man from Italy who did something like this scenario, when he left and told her that the only reason he married her was so that he could stay here . . .

 

Wow! now that you put it this way lol

 

Seriously, I am not worried about him scamming me or using me but I am impressed how those appearances could lead to believe so.

[clia]

I feel like this is being blown out of proportion. Am I reading this correctly that you last heard from him yesterday?

 

I don't get what you mean about him avoiding seeing you on Saturday and Sunday? Can you elaborate? Did you have plans and he cancelled?

 

I mean, you've only been dating this guy a month. One day without contact is not time to throw things into emergency mode, especially since you know he's going through some sort of crisis. I wouldn't even be alarmed with a few days without contact at this point, to be honest.

 

I would just give him space for a week and if you don't hear from him, move on.

[dobielover]

I agree that this is being blown out of proportion, and the conspiracy theories about his visa or whatever it is seem really silly to me.

 

I've dated like 20 guys like this, who you're dating for a month or two, they're stressed with this or that, something happens, and they pull back, and I, or in this case G, freaks out a bit, and how I, or in this case G, handles that freak out, will basically decide whether or not the relationship continues or not.

 

My advice? CHILL, and be supportive. Send him a text letting him know you're there for him if he needs support but you know he's got everything under control. He needs to know you've got his back and aren't going to bail at the first sign of his adversity - you're his GF after all - but that you know he's strong enough and man enough to handle it on his own.

[Els]

I feel like this is being blown out of proportion. Am I reading this correctly that you last heard from him yesterday?

 

I don't get what you mean about him avoiding seeing you on Saturday and Sunday? Can you elaborate? Did you have plans and he cancelled?

 

I mean, you've only been dating this guy a month. One day without contact is not time to throw things into emergency mode, especially since you know he's going through some sort of crisis. I wouldn't even be alarmed with a few days without contact at this point, to be honest.

 

I would just give him space for a week and if you don't hear from him, move on.

 

I agree completely.

 

I do think you should prepare yourself emotionally for the possibility of him having to go back to France for good, OP, but aside from that I don't see any point in analyzing this further. Certainly not to the extent of all the conspiracy theories. It's only been a day! Take a break, go do something you enjoy, and see how things go.

[No_Go]

I had a tourist visa for 10 years when I got my work visa. They told me the tourist visa is invalid while the work visa is active, then I can use the tourist visa again (and I did)

 

Btw the visa is an entry document, even if visas get expired you can stay (considering your other permission docs are in place), just if you leave you can't renter without renewal

 

I know my specific Province and France have a privileged agreement concerning immigration because of our common culture and language. It's made much easier.

 

He told me he got here on a tourist visa then that company got him a working visa. Can someone have 2 visas? He's been here since March 2015.

[Els]

Btw the visa is an entry document, even if visas get expired you can stay (considering your other permission docs are in place), just if you leave you can't renter without renewal

 

Are you certain this is the case with Canada? In a lot of countries you need a valid visa just to stay, if you are caught staying without a valid visa you will be deported and blacklisted from entering again.

 

Be careful with that stuff.

[No_Go]

Hah my current boss, ironically French, had similar issue with the being renamed to "solutions architect"

 

FYI even if your ex hasn't got his green card yet, his permit would have been extended until the procedure is finalized (i.e. He can stay until a 'no' answer).

 

I think part of the stress to date while immigrating is that when you share the info, you expect weird reactions (is he/she going to leave? Is he/she with me for 'citizenship'?)... So a normal reaction is to avoid the topic, hide fears, until when you're comfortable sharing - then freak out

 

Not speaking for Red or anything, but I doubt it. I dunno, my ex's tendency was to always speak of visa issues from a best-case scenario perspective. It wasn't until about 10 months into our relationship that he admitted he wasn't sure if he could stay (because, I kid you not, one word was changed in his official job description, "solutions engineer" vs "solutions architect"), but I also felt like the immigration attorneys at his company were a bit alarmist. Not that it matters to my life now, but as far as I know, he's still here, and he's beyond his six-year work visa limit, so he must be in the green card process—e.g., it was a lot of handwringing for nothing.

 

Anyway, I personally don't think he was lying to you (I hope not). I think maybe he was just a bit more optimistic then when he told you. Not having lived anywhere else, I don't know what it feels like, but I get the feeling that the specter of having to go back to a home country can be quite stressful.

 

Honestly (and I say this in all the respect in the world, Gaeta), I think it would do you some good to just try and focus on something else for a while. Stop posting here, ruminating, turning it over in your head. You're only getting yourself more upset, more suspicious, more worked up. I feel like just a few weeks ago you were scared that he hadn't brought up the matter of exclusivity, only to have that conversation go quite smoothly in the end.

 

Give him some time, and save your judgements for if, when and how he responds. He might pop back up tomorrow, you never know. I know you're concerned, but you're also a smart woman with a full life—go live it for a while.

[No_Go]

I believe in Canada for work/studies all that you need to be extended is the work/study permit document, not the visa. In the US is that way, my brief search gave me similar info for Canada.

 

You could be right for some instances though, eg tourist visas, but of course every visitor should check for their individual case.

 

 

Are you certain this is the case with Canada? In a lot of countries you need a valid visa just to stay, if you are caught staying without a valid visa you will be deported and blacklisted from entering again.

 

Be careful with that stuff.

[BluEyeL]

On a 10!years tourist visa you cannot stay 10 years in the US. Generally at the port of entry (airport ) they tell you how long you're allowed to be here. Generally they let you stay around 6 months at a time and then you need to go back, and you can entry again later.

 

But that's beyond the point . I agree with clia that this may be blown out of proportion. One day without contact is not a big deal and definitely chilling is always the best in these situations. I woudnt say that is out of question that he's pulling back, because it is not about the amount of time without contacting but about a change of patterns. A change of patterns is usually a signal . But again chill and see what happens in a week or so.

[Gaeta]

I don't get what you mean about him avoiding seeing you on Saturday and Sunday? Can you elaborate? Did you have plans and he cancelled?

 

Sorry I missed that question last night.

 

Him and I always had Sundays together till Monday morning we would leave for work together.

 

When we spoke on the phone Saturday morning I asked what were our plans for the weekend, I had been wanting to go see The Revenant at the movies. He started being vague, told me he could not Saturday because he was waiting for friends phone call to do something and when I mentioned Sunday he then said he could not make plans for Sunday because he starts working at 4h45 the following day. Which I found really unusual. He can't grab a movie with me Sunday at noon cause he works the following day? I did not insist.

 

He did call me Sunday before noon. I have no clue if it was to make plans with me, I told him I had a whole day planned with my daughter and we wished each other a good day.

[BluEyeL]

Sorry I missed that question last night.

 

Him and I always had Sundays together till Monday morning we would leave for work together.

 

When we spoke on the phone Saturday morning I asked what were our plans for the weekend, I had been wanting to go see The Revenant at the movies. He started being vague, told me he could not Saturday because he was waiting for friends phone call to do something and when I mentioned Sunday he then said he could not make plans for Sunday because he starts working at 4h45 the following day. Which I found really unusual. He can't grab a movie with me Sunday at noon cause he works the following day? I did not insist.

 

He did call me Sunday before noon. I have no clue if it was to make plans with me, I told him I had a whole day planned with my daughter and we wished each other a good day.

That doesn't sound good. He basically declined to meet you at the weekend.

[Gaeta]

That doesn't sound good. He basically declined to meet you at the weekend.

 

Yep. That's why i'm skeptic even if he called Tuesday morning.

 

He told me he did nothing of his weekend. Ended up cancelling his friends Saturday and stayed home doing nothing he was feeling down and worried.

[katiegrl]

That doesn't sound good. He basically declined to meet you at the weekend.

 

Yeah, clearly he is pulling away ...needing space...the question is why.

 

We have all presented our own theories ....and he has told Gaeta he has job worries, which I personally am not buying.

 

But all she can do is wait it out for a couple more days and see what happens.

 

I would not call again Gaeta (not even to end it), as it's anyone's guess if he would even return your call ... which would make you feel worse and more frustrated than you feel now. You are already waiting for him to return your first call, right? I don't remember.

 

How distressing. I could understand a man (or woman) needing space for 2-3 days, but it's going on a week now (since last Friday, right?) and IMO that's unacceptable.

 

Unless he specifically told you he needs time alone for awhile to process things ..I could respect that. Would not be particularly happy about it, but would respect it.

 

In any event G, if he doesn't contact you by the weekend, to get together over the weekend, I would just consider it over....and take steps to move on.

 

Just me .....you do what feels right for you.

 

So sorry.

Edited January 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

10 years B1/B2 of course is not for continuous stay, that's a multiple entry visa that you can use for up to 6 months at a time intermittent stays. I used it before and after my 1st J1 expired.

 

And I agree about the patterns. Not meeting on the weekend before if this was the pattern is much more concerning than the day of no contact after the unpleasant event.

 

On a 10!years tourist visa you cannot stay 10 years in the US. Generally at the port of entry (airport ) they tell you how long you're allowed to be here. Generally they let you stay around 6 months at a time and then you need to go back, and you can entry again later.

 

But that's beyond the point . I agree with clia that this may be blown out of proportion. One day without contact is not a big deal and definitely chilling is always the best in these situations. I woudnt say that is out of question that he's pulling back, because it is not about the amount of time without contacting but about a change of patterns. A change of patterns is usually a signal . But again chill and see what happens in a week or so.

[Kamille]

I know my specific Province and France have a privileged agreement concerning immigration because of our common culture and language. It's made much easier.

 

He told me he got here on a tourist visa then that company got him a working visa. Can someone have 2 visas? He's been here since March 2015.

 

A tourist visa for French citizens = the stamp they get in their passport when they enter the country, which stipulates the entrance date and how long they can stay. (Usually 3 to 6 months).

 

Work visas are harder to obtain and, if he was already in Canada, would have required him to go back to France to get it validated (at least this used to be the case a few years ago). You can't simply convert a tourist visa into a work visa. This is mechanism to ensure that people don't just enter the country as tourists to then apply for work.

 

Canadian work visas are skill-based and while they can be sponsored by an employer, are usually minimally industry specific, meaning he could likely stay if he finds a job in the same industry. Most are just general - meaning he can work in all industries except those named as excluded on his visa (I've seen women get a mention that they can't work as exotic dancers, for instance).

Edited January 14, 2016 by Kamille

[Toodaloo]

Gaeta - I am sorry been there, am there now, this guy is moving on.

 

Suggest you do the same. Take some time out to look after yourself and do things that you know you enjoy and will make you happy. Take your gorgeous dog for a walk, spend time with your lovely daughter and just take some time to breathe.

 

Then get back to it and carry on.

 

Good luck. It really does feel horrid when this happens.

 

Just remember you are a high class lady so don't bother to call him or text etc.

[Gaeta]

A few minutes ago I sent him a text.

 

I said I understood he had things to think about and problems to solve but I would like he does not leave me in the dark. If he needs time to say so, if he doesn't wish to pursue with me to say so as well, I'm a big girl, it's ok.

 

There's this really cool microbiologist researcher that's been wanting to take me out on a date (before meeting current guy). I think I still got his number.

[Gaeta]

 

Just remember you are a high class lady so don't bother to call him or text etc.

 

And high class ladies don't fade away. They make a clean cut. This man spent a month in my life, my home, my bed. I owe it to myself to cut if off properly. This way I know it's done and there is nothing 'unsolved'.