Men and caving early on in a relationship?

[Amelie1980]

I don't know how you came up with that reply quoting my post #192

 

I have been ghosted many times. I know exactly how that goes. This one feels different.

 

It doesnt look different though from an outside perspective.

[katiegrl]

I don't know how you came up with that reply quoting my post #192

 

I have been ghosted many times. I know exactly how that goes. This one feels different.

 

Yesterday you posted you felt certain he was gone. To me that's ghosting.

 

However, if you truly feel this is different....then wait it out and see how you feel if and when he gets back in touch...

 

It is not how I would handle it...but again, and like I always say, you do whatever feels right for you.

 

I always wish the best for you G...and since you obviously have strong feelings for him.... I truly hope I am wrong about him....and that he returns and you can work this out.

[Gaeta]

Yesterday you posted you felt certain he was gone. To me that's ghosting.

 

However, if you truly feel this is different....then wait it out and see how you feel if and when he gets back in touch...

 

It is not how I would handle it...but again, and like I always say, you do whatever feels right for you.

 

I always wish the best for you G...and since you obviously have strong feelings for him.... I truly hope I am wrong about him....and that he returns and you can work this out.

 

I know I was feeling different. I go from one state of mine to another. I'm confused. In a couple of hours when I get home I will probably feel he's gone-gone again.

[Gaeta]

Remember the guy who told you he suffered from deep depression and had checked himself into a clinic...which turned out to be complete BS....the truth being he was married?

 

And the irony is this depression guy was also from France.

[No_Go]

I 100% agree with this post.

 

Actually I had my own ghost:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/483648-over-he-stopped-calling

If you have time, see the responses of the LSers and how resistant I was to them... Because I was soooo ridiculously infatuated with this man (I was writing him multiple pages email every night... Maybe the reason for his ghosting). He resurfaced just to say he met an old flame and wish me best ;(

 

Gaeta, your guy is gone for good. I think you should just take it maturely as a learning experience (you're getting better in dating!), and move on. I know it is easy to say when you're not in the situation, sorry

 

A while I ago I had a guy who was always in touch all the time, asked me how much vacation time I had at work left, asked me to spend some with him, kept speaking of wanting to learn all the things about me that I liked for the future, etc, etc, etc.

 

I cant even remember what days they were now. But we saw each other on one day. Communication for the next few days. Then a couple of days quiet. My texts do not go through. I get a text finally saying his cell phone broke and he now has a new one, apologies for being out of touch for a couple of days. Then he blows me off for something we were meant to do. Bull **** about some work problem or stress then he ghosts and when pushed tells me he has problems at work and doesnt want to date.

 

Sound familiar to yours? Hot to sudden cold and ghost?

 

I look at facebook (we werent friends) a couple of weeks later and he has a new gf.

 

The problem is, they can tell you what they like when they meet you. In one month, you do not know them. You are seeing what they want you to see as the mask hasnt slipped yet.

 

You dont actually know if he was dating other people. But to me it looks like yours was or he just decided he didnt like you as much as he thought.

[losangelena]

Gaeta, I've asked this before and I'm still wondering—but is there anything you can do to get your mind off of this for a while? This thread is growing pages by the day, which I know can only be ratcheting up your anxiety about it all, never mind your confusion and hurt feelings.

 

But, really. I don't think that repeated rumination is going to help you out here, because the bottom line is, right now, he's not actively participating in this relationship, be he ghosted or caving.

 

Having read your timeline, I wonder. The only thing that jumps out at me as strange, if he truly did lose his job and is not out with another woman, is his choosing not to see you Sunday. Also, if his job was not such a worry, why on earth would he keep you on the phone for three hours about it? Why would he call and tell you what's going on? I feel like the unspoken message of Tuesday's call was, "I'm going to be out for a few days."

 

In the end, it might not matter, but, I think what's most important now is you putting things into perspective and getting centered.

[Amelie1980]

I know I was feeling different. I go from one state of mine to another. I'm confused. In a couple of hours when I get home I will probably feel he's gone-gone again.

 

I know it easy for me to say this (and I probably wouldnt take the same advice) but if he does come back, I still dont think it will work.

 

he will have discovered he can just back off and ignore and still be able to get you back.

[Gaeta]

Gaeta, I've asked this before and I'm still wondering—but is there anything you can do to get your mind off of this for a while? This thread is growing pages by the day, which I know can only be ratcheting up your anxiety about it all, never mind your confusion and hurt feelings.

 

It actually helps me put things in perspective and keep it balanced. The answer is always somewhere in the middle.

 

why on earth would he keep you on the phone for three hours about it?

He did not keep me on the phone talking about his job. We spoke about a thousand different things and among them he mentioned his worries about the job, that he had left everything behind in France and that's why it was so stressing. But that is all he said. He did not go into details more than that.

 

 

Why would he call and tell you what's going on? I feel like the unspoken message of Tuesday's call was, "I'm going to be out for a few days."

 

When I wrote my post #192 it dawn on me that his job worries was escalating and and escalating. And I'm starting to think I underestimated the importance of his early text Tuesday saying he was not doing well at all.

 

Anyway tonight it's another movie to keep me busy. I am open to suggestions.

Edited January 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Amelie1980]

Or this thread it is just keeping it alive when you should be forgetting already.

 

You really think he is sitting at home with a laptop typing pages and pages about you, wondering what to do?

 

he is the only one who knows the answer. None of us really know. All this will do is drive you crazy wondering

Edited January 15, 2016 by Amelie1980

[losangelena]

It actually helps me put things in perspective and keep it balanced. The answer is always somewhere in the middle.

 

He did not keep me on the phone talking about his job. We spoke about a thousand different things and among them he mentioned his worries about the job, that he had left everything behind in France and that's why it was so stressing. But that is all he said. He did not go into details more than that.

 

 

 

 

When I wrote my post #192 it dawn on me that his job worries was escalating and and escalating. And I'm starting to think I underestimated the importance of his early text Tuesday saying he was not doing well at all.

 

Anyway tonight it's another movie to keep me busy. I am open to suggestions.

 

Thanks for the clarification about the phone call.

 

I know if this were me, I would feel pulled in a thousand different directions by all the opposing opinions and burgeoning suspicions. I mean, Amelia is right—we don't know.

[Gaeta]

Or this thread it is just keeping it alive when you should be forgetting already.

 

You really think he is sitting at home with a laptop typing pages and pages about you, wondering what to do?

 

he is the only one who knows the answer. None of us really know. All this will do is drive you crazy wondering

 

Each of your posts remind me that next time l participate in someone elses thread l have to be more sensitive of their feelings.

 

No l don't think when men cave they post on forums. They usually drink beer and watch sports on tv in their boxers. And no they don't think of their gf.

[Amelie1980]

Each of your posts remind me that next time l participate in someone elses thread l have to be more sensitive of their feelings.

 

No l don't think when men cave they post on forums. They usually drink beer and watch sports on tv in their boxers. And no they don't think of their gf.

 

You're not very sensitive to other people from what I have seen. Pretty harsh in fact.

[Gaeta]

You're not very sensitive to other people from what I have seen. Pretty harsh in fact.

 

I can be.

 

I was not sarcastic. I will work on correcting it.

[losangelena]

No l don't think when men cave they post on forums. They usually drink beer and watch sports on tv in their boxers. And no they don't think of their gf.

 

An attitude we'd all do well to adopt, at least to some degree.

[carhill]

No l don't think when men cave they post on forums. They usually drink beer and watch sports on tv in their boxers. And no they don't think of their gf.

 

I don't know one man personally who posts on a forum, well outside of car/truck forums and gun forums and that kind of stuff. We get together and shoot targets, talk cars and cook dead animals and drink beer when we're processing, or, as shared here, 'caving'. Man stuff. However, my social circle is mostly businessmen and blue collar guys, so perhaps a different demographic.

[Amelie1980]

This is assuming it is a cave rather than a dump / ghost. At one month, caving is unlikely.

 

It angers me to see women dwelling over things like this. I have been there. The anger is of course directed at the guys who create this kind of drama for a good and trusting person. That may be why I come across as harsh inadvertently.

 

I am still struggling over the last time this happened to me.

Edited January 15, 2016 by Amelie1980

[strawberryshortstack]

If it will stop you questioning the matter though.....and thinking he is caving?

 

if you see he hasnt lost his job, you will know.

 

it's for piece of mind rather than debating the what ifs and maybes here.

 

it will stop in it in its tracks if you find out he hasnt lost his job which I suspect he may not have.

 

 

This isn't a foolproof plan though - not everyone updates LinkedIn (or other social media) immediately.

[Gaeta]

This is assuming it is a cave rather than a dump / ghost. At one month, caving is unlikely.

 

It angers me to see women dwelling over things like this. I have been there. The anger is of course directed at the guys who create this kind of drama for a good and trusting person. That may be why I come across as harsh inadvertently.

 

I am still struggling over the last time this happened to me.

 

I am not the source of his caving so 1 month or 1 year doesn't really matter.

 

I got ghosted so many times it would nice for once it's not the case.

[tuxedo cat]

I truly hope if this guy gets back in touch, no matter what outlandish excuse he gives, you let him go. You'll get a tremendous confidence boost from doing so.

[Maggie4]

You don't have a significant story together. At all.

 

There are probably more posts on this board about him than texts exchanged between you which is a bit creepy. If he knew about this thread or saw it?

 

He just lost interest. It happens.

 

Yeah, but Amelie, Gaeta didn't make many threads. The many posts on this thread are made by others. It's not on Gaeta so it shouldn't be creepy to him. Oh! and I just made another post!

[katiegrl]

Yeah, but Amelie, Gaeta didn't make many threads. The many posts on this thread are made by others. It's not on Gaeta so it shouldn't be creepy to him. Oh! and I just made another post!

 

Oh I think he would be quite creeped out if he read this thread and her two others... although the first thread was quite a positive thread, but he might be creeped out regardless.... merely at the thought that she created a thread about him anyway.

 

That said, though, people create threads on this board to seek advice, comfort and to vent....so I think creating three threads is fine....

 

She has said talking about it keeps her centered....so it's all good.

[Snakechammah]

Gaeta, I've been away from LS for a bit and hasn't read the whole thread.

 

I am so sorry about this episode.

 

Please remember when one door closes, another one opens. I wish the very best for you. You are a super lovely, kind-hearted, beautiful person. I know you will find your great guy one day - whether it's this one or the next.

 

Here is a BIG HUG to you. You will get through this!

 

*hugshugshugshugshugshugs*

[dobielover]

What I have read about caving (specifically from the John Gray Mars and Venus series)...is that caving occurs in established long term relationships, when a man reaches his threshold of intimacy and needs time alone (2-3 days TOPS) to re-group and "get back to himself").

 

As men are naturally autonomous and when they reach their threshold of intimacy.... they start feeling off balance.

 

He specifically states that caving does NOT occur in dating relationships....that would be considered the "uncertainty" stage, where after a short time dating (one to three months) he becomes ambivalent about his feelings and the relationship and pulls back.

 

This to me sounds more like what it is.

 

Nah. Spend time on Google. There are actually videos with Dr. Gray talking about men "caving" as a result of stress - including losing their job, or even their dog dying. It's not just intimacy dying.

 

You can also go on reddit, the AskMen sub, and look for subs about men withdrawing or caving when stressed, and you'll see hundreds of men saying they disappear for days at a time and withdraw from their girlfriends.

 

This is normal. You don't like it, but it's normal. Common, behavior.

 

And here, G's BF very much gave her very obvious clues that his caving was about to happen, on more than one occasion.

[Maggie4]

Nah. Spend time on Google. There are actually videos with Dr. Gray talking about men "caving" as a result of stress - including losing their job, or even their dog dying. It's not just intimacy dying.

 

You can also go on reddit, the AskMen sub, and look for subs about men withdrawing or caving when stressed, and you'll see hundreds of men saying they disappear for days at a time and withdraw from their girlfriends.

 

This is normal. You don't like it, but it's normal. Common, behavior.

 

And here, G's BF very much gave her very obvious clues that his caving was about to happen, on more than one occasion.

 

I don't know if you can say it's "normal". My Dad never caved. My parents are still married now almost 60 years, and my Dad never disappeared on us for even one day. He had plenty of stress, enough to make him physically ill, but he was always there for his family.

[katiegrl]

Nah. Spend time on Google. There are actually videos with Dr. Gray talking about men "caving" as a result of stress - including losing their job, or even their dog dying. It's not just intimacy dying.

 

You can also go on reddit, the AskMen sub, and look for subs about men withdrawing or caving when stressed, and you'll see hundreds of men saying they disappear for days at a time and withdraw from their girlfriends.

 

This is normal. You don't like it, but it's normal. Common, behavior.

 

And here, G's BF very much gave her very obvious clues that his caving was about to happen, on more than one occasion.

 

Thank you for the heads up dobie, I will do that (research info on Google). I just ended a six year relationship, so it's been awhile since I dated, and should know what to expect once I start dating again.

 

So.... does it also say it's *normal* for a guy to blow off his girlfriend prior to the caving? And does caving also involve a guy telling his girlfriend he will call her (updating her on the situation) ...but failing to do so? And flat out ignoring her attempts to reach out to him asking for a heads up?

 

And lastly ...does it discuss how long a woman should wait before she realizes he is not just caving, but in fact ghosting?

 

Like if he disappears for a month (or longer), was he *caving* all that time? And when he contacts her after that month, should she welcome him back with open arms?

 

I have had three LTRs, and the longest any of my boyfriends caved (without telling me prior he needed a bit of space) was 2-3 days tops. Which did not cause me much inner turmoil, as our relationship was strong, and I trusted our connection and knew he would be back in touch soon.

 

My ex-ex fiance (not my recent fiance but the one before him) told me he felt ambivalent and was dealing with *stresses* at the three-month mark, and needed some time to figure stuff out.

 

We parted ways, and I went on with my life. No contact. Frankly I did not think he'd be back, but to my surprise, he contacted me after *three weeks* telling me during that time away he realized he was in love with me, and after a bit of convincing on his part, we got back together, and were together for four years. He never caved again.

 

Asked me to marry him, I agreed, then realized he was not what I wanted for a life partner, and I ended the relationship.

 

I did give him a lot of credit for telling me prior he needed space, that showed a lot of integrity, consideration and respect for me...which I appreciated!

 

But that was the longest, as I said I never experienced any of my boyfriends caving for longer than 2-3 days.

 

I have never had a boyfriend ghost (disappear and never contact me again). After reading this board, I consider myself extremely lucky! I cannot even imagine it. I hope I am that lucky this time around too....ugh.

 

Anyhoo dobie, thanks again for enlightening me, fascinating stuff. Looking forward to doing my own research!

Edited January 16, 2016 by katiegrl