She's not "emotionally ready" for an hour-drive LDR

[franksitutation]

To paint a picture of the relationship: I'm someone who hasn't had a physical relationship before. I've done plenty of long distance, never have I met any of them. Never had my first kiss - until New Years of this year, and still a virgin.

 

Sorry if this seems out of order.

 

She's 17, turning 18 in a few days time from this message. I'm 17, she's 10 months older. We met on Tinder on December 23, 2015. Exchanged numbers on the first day, we texted, and we Facetimed a few times during the same week. It was moving quite fast...it was already on the second or third day she had been crying, and whined "I don't want to lose you". That was the biggest indication that it was moving fast. We both admitted it was and thought it was for a reason.

 

She pushed for us to meet on New Years. We're an hour away from each other, same state. She's always done relationships that're 5 minutes away from each other, and can see each other whenever she likes without putting in much effort. This is the first time she's considered long distance, considering she's only had about 4 serious relationships in her life.

 

She has bipolar depression. She got medicated in November, and she has told me that she's not felt this way with anyone since then, or even before then, for some time. We met New Years, cuddled, shared a few kisses, it was a good time. Everything was living up to expectations, until we started arguing over things such as me being too clingy for her, and just arguing in general.

 

With an idea in mind, here's the problem. We talked for 3 weeks in total. First week, good. We met. Second week, good after we met...but arguments started boiling. Tension rose. Third week, she told my friend who told me, she was trying to get rid of me. She finally did it. She redownloaded Tinder the night before she made her decision. She ended up telling me she didn't think it would require so much effort; essentially it wasn't what she thought it'd be.

 

So far, she hasn't indicated there's anything wrong with us, simply put it's the distance. With her having bipolar depression, she says she's too drained to have a long distance relationship. Keeping in mind, ONLY LONG DISTANCE..she's made it clear that she's fine with a normal distance, as in 5 minutes for example.

 

We facetimed about this. She wants to be friends, but she's fine with being either or. I'm thinking of, if she leads me to believing that she won't find anyone else until she's capable of putting the effort into long distance, then I'll be friends with her to ensure a solid foundation for an easier transition. Basically suiting her needs for my needs.

 

I told her that it's only been 3 weeks and there's no way she can conclude that this won't work based on 3 weeks of talking. She uses the 3 weeks in her defense to explain how because it's only been 3 weeks, she's not willing to "give commitment", or even be "more open".

 

I offer I go up even on weekdays, she says it's not enough. See each other every weekend. Not enough. She doesn't want to plan me around her busy schedule. I offer we split the drive 50/50..meet halfway, a 30 minute drive. She still declines.

 

TL;DR we've talked for 3 weeks. We're an hour away. We've met once. Kissed, cuddled, all that. She doesn't want to do long distance, nor does she have it in her to give it a chance at this moment. Everything else about us is fine (according to her). We relate in every way possible..music taste, activities, sports, food...everything. She's not willing to commit to me and not talk to other guys until she's able to put the effort in to a LDR. She says that if I think this is as good as I think it is, then it'll happen at some point.

 

Should I let it go? Should I stay friends with her? It's a tough pill for us to both swallow, but I'm more attached than she is because it's my first time doing this. She's my first everything. I don't want to end this solely because I feel we go good together, and she's not emotionally stable to give the effort it takes, but it's just the distance that plagues us.

Edited January 13, 2016 by franksitutation

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, since you admittedly have no relationship experience, please let someone more seasoned (and presumably older) than you say this:

 

Run. Now.

 

If you don't see the red flags here, allow me to point them out:

1) 2 days after meeting you she cries and tells you she can't lose you. This is not normal and it is not good. She doesn't even know you. This indicates emotional instability, which should not be overlooked.

 

2) The week after meeting, you're already arguing. What in heaven's name could you possibly be arguing about? This is not normal either.

 

3) She has told you plain as day she's not interested in taking this further right now. She's right about one thing, which is you shouldn't be committing to someone you've only met a few weeks ago. You two hardly know each other.

 

Please don't invest in her. It's not going to end well for you.

[Downtown]

^^^^ This. Please listen to ExPat.

[CarrieT]

ExPat wrote verbatim what I was going to write.

 

Run. Now.

[franksitutation]

Thanks for the advice my friends. Our last exchange, which was yesterday over text, made up of her telling me things already known: she "can't be more than friends right now" (emphasis on right now?).

 

Basically she wants to be friends. I find she is happy that we 'resolved' things, so now she doesn't really care about anything now that she's suited herself and her need(s). "If you can't be friends then you can't be friends & that'll probably eliminate any future opportunities between us". I told her I can't be friends right now and she proceeded to say "It's not gonna ever happen if we don't talk we live an hour away..So we're done". I reiterated I can't be friends right now, I told her we move on and see where we reconvene. She said she was fine with that, and I plan on that being our last conversation, until either I text her, or more probable: wait for HER to text me. Thoughts on that would assist me.

 

This is just another case of someone, me, not being able to accept this is just like every relationship that have had this problem, because I think this is a special case when it's not.

 

The main point..I'm moving on, talking to other people already - my way of getting over someone. I plan to not text her for awhile, but maybe if things don't work out for me in the next month, or two, I'll text her. I personally feel we're meant to be and it's simply the distance that is preventing us from being our true selves, from being open, more expressing -- and if we lived closer, it'd work.

 

OP, since you admittedly have no relationship experience, please let someone more seasoned (and presumably older) than you say this:

 

Run. Now.

 

If you don't see the red flags here, allow me to point them out:

1) 2 days after meeting you she cries and tells you she can't lose you. This is not normal and it is not good. She doesn't even know you. This indicates emotional instability, which should not be overlooked.

 

2) The week after meeting, you're already arguing. What in heaven's name could you possibly be arguing about? This is not normal either.

 

3) She has told you plain as day she's not interested in taking this further right now. She's right about one thing, which is you shouldn't be committing to someone you've only met a few weeks ago. You two hardly know each other.

 

Please don't invest in her. It's not going to end well for you.

 

1.) I agree with that. I personally rushed things, and we were feeling ways that usually takes a month, or two, to feel and even pose as a problem. I find it was a mistake on both of our parts. If it matters..I believe she had something personal go on that day, and it was the excitement of us talking and getting to know each other, she was overwhelmed. Not backing her up..just my observation.

 

2.) Arguing over little things that could've been avoided...her getting the wrong idea, misinterpreting what I'm saying over text, me asking the same questions in different ways and frustrating her just so I knew we were okay. We both agreed the last time we FaceTimed, about 3-4 days ago, we made mistakes that were detrimental to keeping this alive and we couldn't done things differently..possibly if we had a greater outlook on things.

 

3.) Summed my thoughts up on this point above your quoted post.

 

Feel free to disagree, argue, etc. I don't know what to think. Having only long distance experience, which included commitment , seriousness, everything, I think I try to apply my knowledge from that to physical, and that's not how it works. Almost as if my clinginess is too much for a typical physical relationship, and it belongs in a long distance.

It helps to know other's thoughts on things I'm not sure if I'm doing right nor wrong:)

 

Appreciate it thus far folks.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't blame yourself entirely for this, OP. She is exhibiting some questionable and off-putting behaviour.

 

You need to fix your woman-picker and get some experience dating girls offline. Staying long-distance won't help you develop relationship skills, which would be a healthy way forward at your age. Learn how to interact with women in real life so that you'll be able to spot the troubled ones (ie. this girl) and stay away.

 

I do think you're doing the right thing in refusing her offer of friendship. She sound manipulative; I would be wary of her pulling your chain when she wants attention. She's not emotionally mature at all.

[d0nnivain]

This is more on you, then her. So don't sweat it. While an hour isn't really an LDR it is at your age.

 

LDRs are hard. I'm glad you are closing the gap. You got your 1st kiss so good for you.

 

Now let her go. You can't be real friends. What that means is if you bump into her (unlikely) you can be cordial. It does not mean you keep in touch electronically via any means. Unfriend her from all social media & stop reaching out to her.

 

Next step, put down your phone & walk away from the computer. Look around in your neighborhood. Find a living breathing flesh & blood girl who is right in front of you & date her.

[justwhoiam]

She's 17

She has bipolar depression.

Move on. Now. You don't even know her yet. So let it be that way and find someone else.