Dela Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 (edited) Hello everyone I am curious what happens after Dday in the MM life/house etc. I know there are people here who ve been thru this and know better (OW who were not dumped on d day or BS who know what happens from "the other side"), one side that OW don t actually see. Edited January 13, 2016 by Dela Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 It can vary from no sex to hysterical bonding or rug sweeping to counseling. It is really hard to say. My ex husband left his wife for me, and there never was a dday there. When we had a dday in our marriage we went through counseling, hysterical bonding, and eventually me moving out and us divorcing. Neither of us dated or saw anyone during that time. I have read a surprising bit about hysterical bonding. It seems like it is the spouse's way as reclaiming territory. I would not be surprised if they've already had manic sex with her dday. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 A lot of heartache, crying and gut wrenching pain. I had to cancel a vacation where we were going for a vow renewal the next day (planned by him)! Him saying how sorry he was and please don't divorce because she meant nothing. He thought he wouldn't get caught. He started ic the next day I packed his bags a week or two later and had him move out. I got out of bed each day because I had to. Glad it's over! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) It really does run the gamut. Mine, his ex found the bat phone. He told her everything. She was freaking out (understandably) and actually picked up their Christmas tree and threw it at him. He left that night and never went back. For the next... At least 6 months she told him to get over it and come home but for him the marriage was long over. We have been together for some years now. Edited January 14, 2016 by goodyblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I told him that if that was what he wanted her to get the F*** out. He begged and cried for me not to leave, that she meant nothing. A lot of pain and discussions. HB. Me almost having a nervous breakdown and going on meds for depression and anxiety. Going NC immediately(he never had contact with her again). Her number was blocked, IM blocked, and email changed. He finally had to change his number. It's been over four years. I don't have pain from it and our marriage is good. He had to build my trust in him up again which took time .I don't worry that he will do it again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 The BS and MM/MW stay together - regardless if they decide to repair the marriage or spend the rest of their lives like enemies sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. Married people are funny. They are like salt/pepper shakers. While we may not "get" why they are together, they are a "match" and it's cheaper and more convenient for them to stsy together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Hello everyone I am curious what happens after Dday in the MM life/house etc. I know there are people here who ve been thru this and know better (OW who were not dumped on d day or BS who know what happens from "the other side"), one side that OW don t actually see. I think you should consider shifting your focus off MM and onto yourself. Even if you were a fly on your MM's wall right now, how would having any of that information help you? Letting your imagination run wild about whether he's hysterical bonding or on the brink of divorce is just going to hold back your recovery in my opinion. You've wasted enough time on him already. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 The BS and MM/MW stay together - regardless if they decide to repair the marriage or spend the rest of their lives like enemies sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. Married people are funny. They are like salt/pepper shakers. While we may not "get" why they are together, they are a "match" and it's cheaper and more convenient for them to stsy together. This isn't ALWAYS the case..or there wouldn't be so many divorces citing infidelity as the reason. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I I have read a surprising bit about hysterical bonding. It seems like it is the spouse's way as reclaiming territory. I would not be surprised if they've already had manic sex with her dday. Not quite. I think it's a hysterical reaction from BOTH spouses to shock and the fear of loss - and in my case it was H initiating it mostly. He was afraid that I would give up on him and he was trying to build connections. He hated that I wouldn't get undressed in front of him, that I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him. There is territory to reclaim on both sides. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 The BS and MM/MW stay together - regardless if they decide to repair the marriage or spend the rest of their lives like enemies sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. Married people are funny. They are like salt/pepper shakers. While we may not "get" why they are together, they are a "match" and it's cheaper and more convenient for them to stsy together. Some stay because they actually want their spouse. Nothing to do with finances nor convenience. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Some stay because they actually want their spouse. Nothing to do with finances nor convenience. Sometimes... I have not seen it often, but sometimes an affair is a wake up call for both spouses and I think in that case they have a real shot at finding their way back to one another and possibly an even tighter bond. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 The "D-Day" in our case was Disclosure Day, the day he told her he was in love with me, had been having an A, and would be leaving once he found a suitable house to move to with the kids. What happened? She chose not to believe him. He found a place, moved out with the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 our D - day was... well, short & fast. it happened fast, it wasn't really a shock - he wanted to work it out & stay together (but for all the wrong reasons... at least in my eyes); i just wanted to divorce as soon as possible & move on with my life. the moment i found out about the affair - it was the moment i knew we were done. there was no doubt in my mind about it - we waited for around a week to figure everything out with our divorce settlement, custody & money... and i think after around two weeks he fully moved out. i will say one thing -- even though both of us wanted to move on, we did feel a very strong need for hysterical bonding. i couldn't tell you why he felt it (but it was definitely there)... perhaps because he still had feelings for me and, at that point, he was just starting to emotionally detach himself from me -- but for me... i think it was about control and not being ready to let go just YET - it's this weird feeling of panic where you desperately try to stop things you know MUST HAPPEN... from happening. so it's just a lot to deal with, really. your home is filled with tension and uncertainty & just huge sadness. it's especially hard when it happens in the middle of the week... like, a normal week. a job week. a working week. so you find out this life shattering news and tomorrow you gotta come in to work and do your 8+ shift as focused and calmed as usual. keeping it together when life keeps moving on & when you have many other responsibilities is the hardest thing. was, for me at least. you can't afford to stop and break down -- especially if you have children. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Red123 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Sometimes... I have not seen it often, but sometimes an affair is a wake up call for both spouses and I think in that case they have a real shot at finding their way back to one another and possibly an even tighter bond. This was the case for us. We had split up prior to Dday but still living together. We were trying to figure out a plan for living seperately and had come up with one but needed some time to execute it. He had been in the affair for 3 weeks before we seperated, and I stumbled upon evidence of it. Even though we were separating I insisted on the truth because he had started this while we were together. It took a little while but once he came fully clean it was like a switch went off in him. He completely changed and did everything to try to get our M back. It took a while for me to come back, but his actions displayed his commitment. He wrote the MOW a NC letter and never looked back. She attempted contact three times and he showed me each time. We had a lot of work to do to repair the things wrong prior to the A and deal with the betrayal but 2 years later we are far better than before this all began. A wake up call indeed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Sometimes... I have not seen it often, but sometimes an affair is a wake up call for both spouses and I think in that case they have a real shot at finding their way back to one another and possibly an even tighter bond. I do think this was true in my case. Not that this result happened immediately...my H was understandably in a lot of pain for a while. And it took a lot of work on my own issues as well working on our relationship. As far as what happens in the house at first? My H and I didn't talk with each other for ten days. Then I came back. A lot of anger and disbelief on his side. I knew I wanted to stay with him so I tried, through my actions, to prove that to him as much as I could. It was challenging since his trust in me and my personal integrity was shot. I felt a lot of guilt and disappointment in myself for making the choices I did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 My MM got caught twice with OWs before I came into the picture. The first one was 3 years into the marriage the second one was about 10 years into the marriage. Both times his BS threw a fit (deserved) went home to her parents with the kids (understandably) then came back in a couple of weeks and never discussed it again. No counseling, no demands, nothing. Like it didn't happen. It boggled my brain but it kept them married for 20 years. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 What happens after D day? 'Umm, you picked an unfortunate moment to call' Some folks do the hysterical bonding stuff. Not my cuppa. Counseling. I think I abused the lawn mower. Life went on. 'D' day for me was 'Disclosure' day of my intent. Regardless, still painful. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I am a BS-3 years into reconciliation- For him (as related in therapy and from what I remember)- Said it was like life flashed before his eyes, the realization of what he had done hit him like a ton of bricks, fear of losing our marriage, humiliation and shame for being a liar and a cheat For me- deep sense of betrayal- felt taken advantage of-he travels, I work full time and was running two very active kids all over the place, zero time for myself yet he was able to listen to me on the phone talk about my crazy day and then spend time with someone else- For us- Hysterical Bonding that lasted more than 2 years- lots of tears and conversations not so much on what went wrong but how we wanted our lives to look going forward- a reawakening of taking time to be a couple, cooking together, going on dates, etc.. And of course- lots of arguments, crying, yelling like we had never yelled before-apologies, fears and doubts- 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 For me my M has never been the same and I am 4 years past Dday. I experienced every emotion all the time all day for a long time. I even attempted suicide at one point because I kept discovering broken NC while my WH was proclaiming to saving the M at all costs. I experienced False R as well and have not been able to connect with WH ever since. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NewLeaf512 Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 For me my M has never been the same and I am 4 years past Dday. I experienced every emotion all the time all day for a long time. I even attempted suicide at one point because I kept discovering broken NC while my WH was proclaiming to saving the M at all costs. I experienced False R as well and have not been able to connect with WH ever since. I'm so sorry to hear this LD. Are you feeling any better? I'm sending a big hug. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 I'm so sorry to hear this LD. Are you feeling any better? I'm sending a big hug. Thanks (((NewLeaf512))) I am feeling better. It comes and goes usually, but try to keep the focus on me and my kids most of the time. I have a great social group of lady friends who are invaluable to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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