oceansaway Posted January 13, 2016 Share Posted January 13, 2016 I ended our 4 year fantasy relationship a month ago. Have had NO contact for 30 days on either side. Today....he texted me! I have done very well the last month and had a chance to reflect on why the hell I held on to him for so long. He asked if he could ask me a question (professional advice). I answered...yes (have not heard what the question is yet). I am hell bent on moving on with my life...although I miss what we had. We had broken up MANY times in the past and it was always me reaching out to him...he NEVER did. I guess my question is why after so long has he reached out? Is this common? Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Because the entire time he was waiting on YOU like usual to come back...then you didnt reach out...then he started to panic like oh..this time she means it...or does she? So he threw out a feeler...now he is sitting back thinking you will say "hey...whats the question or I never heard from you?"...then he will say..."Oh..never mind, I got the answer but anyways how are you?"...aaannnd JUST like that...your talking, seems just professional stuff huh? ...but we know how that goes..your back in with small talk, the emails/texts start picking up, he's familiar to you, you missed him..just like that your in it again and your heart is beating fast ...its DANGEROUS. How did you end things a month ago? Did you say NO contact? If so..he is disrespecting you for an ego fix or another round. He knew you would bite! 1 month takes strength though after 4 years, kudos but do NOT answer again if you truly are hell bent on being done. No judgement that you replied but you know your still weak and you gotta block or stay strong. Like he has no one else to ask a professional question to that he has to reach out to YOU? Selfish! Im sure it was brutal walking away and what a JERK for not letting continue going forward to heal. Makes me mad cause now he's at the forefront of your mind...JUST like he hoped and planned. So he wont leave for you but wont let you go heal and move on either! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 He just wanted to see if you would still respond to him. And you did. No contact mean NO CONTACT. Don't play his stooopid, childish games anymore. He won that round. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Oceans, if you find that you cannot uphold your boundaries and only maintain cordial and career related conversation, I would ignore all attempts of his seemingly innocent contact. I may be mis-reading your post, but it sounds like you still hold onto hope that things will work out with him. My XMM reached out a couple of days ago and we exchanged some pleasantries but I have not analyzed the motives behind his call, nor am I longing for him. That chapter is sealed shut in my book, but I am also confident in feeling that way. If I didn't feel that way, I would've never answered his call. Proceed with caution. I've never had issues with substance or alcohol abuse, but I think it's the equivalent of getting out of rehab, being at a bar and having no desire to drink at all. You are the best judge of your own strengths. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 "had a chance to reflect on why the hell I held on to him for so long." Just curious, where you able to figure this out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 "had a chance to reflect on why the hell I held on to him for so long." Just curious, where you able to figure this out? After 4 years the fog finally lifted and I see him for what he really is...a liar. And reading all the posts on here it's amazing how they are all so similar. I also starting feel bad for his wife (although she has known of me since day one). I have realized I could never trust him if we were together and trust is the most important thing to me Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 It's odd this time how I feel about his reaching out. I feel nothing. Although I wish him well...I know I can never go back to that life of being the OW. That's why I answered him. I will not go back and if he brings it up...I'll be perfectly clear. I was just wondering why and if it happens to others... that the MM returns. Link to post Share on other sites
Shadowburn Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 They always come back. Where else would he go? Back to the marriage he's been avoiding with your help for years? You are comfortable and familiar to him, he knows you came back to him a few timès in the past, so he is sure you'll be back this time too, to him it is no different than before. And it's not like married person can date freely, it must be not that easy to find willing person to participate in such limited relationship, so you're sure bet. Please disappoint him. If you're hell bent on moving on...do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I ended our 4 year fantasy relationship a month ago. Have had NO contact for 30 days on either side. Today....he texted me! I have done very well the last month and had a chance to reflect on why the hell I held on to him for so long. He asked if he could ask me a question (professional advice). I answered...yes (have not heard what the question is yet). I am hell bent on moving on with my life...although I miss what we had. We had broken up MANY times in the past and it was always me reaching out to him...he NEVER did. I guess my question is why after so long has he reached out? Is this common? And it's working...his reasons? To make you think of him. To fish and see your reaction. It's a shame you didn't just ignore the contact. You two aren't friends either way, right? He tested the waters, threw you a line and you took it hook line and sinker. Sorry. Please don't give him any more thought! He's not worth it. Remember he IGNORED YOUR attempts in the past after contact, now it's time to do the same to him. For your own peace of mind and sanity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 If he really wanted an answer to the question.. he would have straight up asked the question and you could have responded.. but he was testing the waters.. to see your reaction. Now do you really think you're the ONLY person who knows the answer to whatever he was going to ask? Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 I'm regretting answering him. I woke with that same old stomach churning stress feeling. And it sucks because I was feeling SO good lately Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 It's ok. Just go back to No Contact. If he contacts again, you know what to do. Ignore him. (They hate that, lol) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 What was his question? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I'm regretting answering him. I woke with that same old stomach churning stress feeling. And it sucks because I was feeling SO good lately Don't worry... you can get back to where you were. This is all the more reason to block him. He doesn't care about your feelings with this behaviour. It's childish Link to post Share on other sites
Author oceansaway Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 What was his question? Everyone was correct. Although he had a personal business question...he immediately turned it around...acting like nothing had happened over the last month. He kept calling and texting over and over. However I wouldn't bite. I finally answered to shut him up. I kept it totally professional business. And after I answered his question..he tried to go back to us. I wouldn't let it go there. He started saying how much he missed me...I said goodbye and hung up. I am kinda mad he reached out! I was doing great until he flooded back in my mind! Link to post Share on other sites
Forceawakensme Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) I ended our 4 year fantasy relationship a month ago. Have had NO contact for 30 days on either side. Today....he texted me! I have done very well the last month and had a chance to reflect on why the hell I held on to him for so long. He asked if he could ask me a question (professional advice). I answered...yes (have not heard what the question is yet). I am hell bent on moving on with my life...although I miss what we had. We had broken up MANY times in the past and it was always me reaching out to him...he NEVER did. I guess my question is why after so long has he reached out? Is this common? I am still very raw from my own break-up but Just my opinion after reading these forums for years: Major fishing expedition as there was obviously never a professional question. But in my mind for one of the two below reasons: 1. Hes a total prick and just wanted to prove to himself he can still make you dance. His ego feels stroked.. Of course, hes hoping for the golden stroke: You writing him actually chasing him with a "What was the professional question?". Like you have nothing better to do than pursue him for his question -- Please dont do this. 2. Hes not a total prick (just a partial one) and had a moment of weakness. He wanted to see if you would respond.. he wanted a "hit" because he is suffering withdrawals and just wanted to see your name up on the email again... The excitement of an unopened email from you... Of course, once you responded he didn't know what to do next.. --- As he didn't have a professional question up his sleeve --yet hes not quite ready to 'go back' into the A. Though, i tend to think its option 1 (sadly). Because if it were option 2, he could come up with some bs professional question or said 'all sorted' then left it at that. He didn't even bother. Edited January 15, 2016 by Forceawakensme Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 15, 2016 Share Posted January 15, 2016 He contacted you so that he could accomplish exactly what he has accomplished -- stirring up those old feelings again. Just keep reminding yourself about how hurtful this relationship is. Even now, it has you right back into a tailspin. It may feel like excitement for awhile but it's really heartbreak just getting warmed up. xMM almost always come back. Try not to be flattered by it because what he's really saying is, "I'd like for you to continue to be second-best in my life." Unless you like being gutted, you'll see this for what it is and won't let him suck you back in. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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