Will I ever be happy again?

[jjgirl1947]

I'm hoping that I can get some sort of comfort or at least get the feeling of not being alone from posting here. I currently am losing my mind. At least that is how I feel. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting involved with a MM at work. The "relationship" is over. His wife found out and he ended things. He realized he loved her even though he told me many times in the beginning he didn't. Oh the lies we are capable of believing when a man is showering adoration on us. Anyways, it ended officially 4 months ago. I tried many times to let him go, to move on after it ended, but he would always find a way to sneak in. I grew increasingly paranoid and I didn't trust him. I accused him many times of making moves on other women at work. My jealousy knows no bounds. He grew tired of my accusations and let me go. So now I feel like it's my fault that we ended. And he told me it was my fault that he no longer cares for me. He tells me that I pushed him away. So for the last couple of months, I've basically been watching him at work and his interactions with other women. It drives me crazy. And every few days I accuse him of moving on, of being exactly the person I thought he was. (He told me that I was his first affair...his wife told me differently - she said I was just another one.) Today was horrible. He can be very cruel, but maybe I can be too childish. I know I need to stop especially at work. I know i have to stay away from him for the sake of my job. I just honestly don't know how to stay out these dark places in my head. I go to therapy once a week, but I still can't seem to gain control. He really broke my heart. It saddens me that it seems so easy for him. I honestly don't know what to do. I know that moving on is going to be the best revenge. My head knows that every day he is not in my life is another day that I win. I knew and know it isn't going to be mine or be with me. He is bound to find someone new and then I will really win. If I know all these things, then why can't I move on? Thanks for reading.

[JaneSmith526]

I'm hoping that I can get some sort of comfort or at least get the feeling of not being alone from posting here. I currently am losing my mind. At least that is how I feel. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting involved with a MM at work. The "relationship" is over. His wife found out and he ended things. He realized he loved her even though he told me many times in the beginning he didn't. Oh the lies we are capable of believing when a man is showering adoration on us. Anyways, it ended officially 4 months ago. I tried many times to let him go, to move on after it ended, but he would always find a way to sneak in. I grew increasingly paranoid and I didn't trust him. I accused him many times of making moves on other women at work. My jealousy knows no bounds. He grew tired of my accusations and let me go. So now I feel like it's my fault that we ended. And he told me it was my fault that he no longer cares for me. He tells me that I pushed him away. So for the last couple of months, I've basically been watching him at work and his interactions with other women. It drives me crazy. And every few days I accuse him of moving on, of being exactly the person I thought he was. (He told me that I was his first affair...his wife told me differently - she said I was just another one.) Today was horrible. He can be very cruel, but maybe I can be too childish. I know I need to stop especially at work. I know i have to stay away from him for the sake of my job. I just honestly don't know how to stay out these dark places in my head. I go to therapy once a week, but I still can't seem to gain control. He really broke my heart. It saddens me that it seems so easy for him. I honestly don't know what to do. I know that moving on is going to be the best revenge. My head knows that every day he is not in my life is another day that I win. I knew and know it isn't going to be mine or be with me. He is bound to find someone new and then I will really win. If I know all these things, then why can't I move on? Thanks for reading.

 

 

I think you would greatly benefit from a new job. Gotta be hard seeing this man everyday.

[whichwayisup]

I'm hoping that I can get some sort of comfort or at least get the feeling of not being alone from posting here. I currently am losing my mind. At least that is how I feel. I made the unfortunate mistake of getting involved with a MM at work. The "relationship" is over. His wife found out and he ended things. He realized he loved her even though he told me many times in the beginning he didn't. Oh the lies we are capable of believing when a man is showering adoration on us. Anyways, it ended officially 4 months ago. I tried many times to let him go, to move on after it ended, but he would always find a way to sneak in. I grew increasingly paranoid and I didn't trust him. I accused him many times of making moves on other women at work. My jealousy knows no bounds. He grew tired of my accusations and let me go. So now I feel like it's my fault that we ended. And he told me it was my fault that he no longer cares for me. He tells me that I pushed him away. So for the last couple of months, I've basically been watching him at work and his interactions with other women. It drives me crazy. And every few days I accuse him of moving on, of being exactly the person I thought he was. (He told me that I was his first affair...his wife told me differently - she said I was just another one.) Today was horrible. He can be very cruel, but maybe I can be too childish. I know I need to stop especially at work. I know i have to stay away from him for the sake of my job. I just honestly don't know how to stay out these dark places in my head. I go to therapy once a week, but I still can't seem to gain control. He really broke my heart. It saddens me that it seems so easy for him. I honestly don't know what to do. I know that moving on is going to be the best revenge. My head knows that every day he is not in my life is another day that I win. I knew and know it isn't going to be mine or be with me. He is bound to find someone new and then I will really win. If I know all these things, then why can't I move on? Thanks for reading.

 

I think you're addicted to how he makes you feel and the roller coaster ride, the game of it all. It really is ego based, not based on genuine love or care.

 

You win now because it's over.

 

But, you have to want to stop obsessing so much about what he does or doesn't do. Get him OUT of your head once and for all. People at work probably suspected you two were together (people aren't stupid!) so maybe think about looking to see what else is out there? Find another job. As long as you work with him, see him daily you won't get over him completely.

[FusionCutter]

Think of it this way:

 

If he was a good person and truly cared about you - you wouldn't be feeling this way.

 

Once you can realize this, you can detach and move on. You definitely need to quit this job. You need a fresh start. It's the only way.

Edited January 14, 2016 by FusionCutter

[Gloria_Smellons]

Another vote for finding new employment.

[jjgirl1947]

I think you're addicted to how he makes you feel and the roller coaster ride, the game of it all. It really is ego based, not based on genuine love or care.

 

You win now because it's over.

 

But, you have to want to stop obsessing so much about what he does or doesn't do. Get him OUT of your head once and for all. People at work probably suspected you two were together (people aren't stupid!) so maybe think about looking to see what else is out there? Find another job. As long as you work with him, see him daily you won't get over him completely.

 

Thank you for your response. You are right. My inability to get over this is definitely ego-based. I have a lot of self-esteem issues. Unfortunately, I think that is one of the reasons he targeted me. I made the mistake of talking to him about a previous relationship.

 

I wish finding a new job were so easy. I have been looking. It really sucks because I actually enjoy my job. Today I made the decision to work in another area and not at my desk which is literally like 20ft away from his. Fortunately I have this option without it seeming odd to other people.

 

I know that I shouldn't try to understand why he did what he did. It's not really my duty to understand. I hope that soon I can understand soon why I did this and why I've acted the way that I have. I have a lot of guilt due to my behaviour with him. I've left a lot of my dignity on the table. I hope in time that I can forgive myself and truly move on.

[Forceawakensme]

Thank you for your response. You are right. My inability to get over this is definitely ego-based. I have a lot of self-esteem issues. Unfortunately, I think that is one of the reasons he targeted me. I made the mistake of talking to him about a previous relationship.

 

I wish finding a new job were so easy. I have been looking. It really sucks because I actually enjoy my job. Today I made the decision to work in another area and not at my desk which is literally like 20ft away from his. Fortunately I have this option without it seeming odd to other people.

 

I know that I shouldn't try to understand why he did what he did. It's not really my duty to understand. I hope that soon I can understand soon why I did this and why I've acted the way that I have. I have a lot of guilt due to my behaviour with him. I've left a lot of my dignity on the table. I hope in time that I can forgive myself and truly move on.

 

I can relate so much to your last paragraph. There is something about the power struggle push-pull rollercoaster of A's that somehow blind you from all reason and the ability to see how fast you are losing yourself. I have always felt so in control of my choices and even my emotions -- IN this relationship, i find myself acting in pathetic ways, giving up my power, my dignity and doing so with no care (in the moment) for how i look... Its terribly soul crushing behavior.

 

I, like you, am also in a situation which will be difficult to go completely NC (closely interlinked social circles with close to 100 mutual friends) ... I am literally stumped as to how i can remove myself from his life completely short of actually moving cities entirely -- with family all around me, aging parents.. i just dont know how it can be done.

 

In your case, i would really struggle giving up a job i love, but i wonder if its really the only way you can have a chance of healing?

[Lois_Griffin]

He told me that I was his first affair...his wife told me differently - she said I was just another one.

And you were just one of many.

 

I simply can't wrap my brain around what this guy could possibly have that his wife would stay with such a loser and you'd be crying over him.

 

I know I need to stop especially at work. I know i have to stay away from him for the sake of my job.

Losers like this aren't even worth the cost of a Happy Meal, much less your livelihood.

 

Look. You don't need to 'understand' what this POS did. He's an opportunistic, lying, serial cheater who took advantage of you and is now moving on to the next victim to take advantage of her. You don't need to understand what drives dirt bags to do the things they do.

 

 

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

[jjgirl1947]

I can relate so much to your last paragraph. There is something about the power struggle push-pull rollercoaster of A's that somehow blind you from all reason and the ability to see how fast you are losing yourself. I have always felt so in control of my choices and even my emotions -- IN this relationship, i find myself acting in pathetic ways, giving up my power, my dignity and doing so with no care (in the moment) for how i look... Its terribly soul crushing behavior.

 

I, like you, am also in a situation which will be difficult to go completely NC (closely interlinked social circles with close to 100 mutual friends) ... I am literally stumped as to how i can remove myself from his life completely short of actually moving cities entirely -- with family all around me, aging parents.. i just dont know how it can be done.

 

In your case, i would really struggle giving up a job i love, but i wonder if its really the only way you can have a chance of healing?

 

Forceawakensme,

 

It comforts me to know that I'm not alone. I have made myself look like such a crazy person in front of him with uncontrollable crying and numerous texts/emails. My soul does feel crushed. He used to tell me that I was smart and intelligent and now I feel like that's gone. But why do I care? Why do I care so much what he thinks of me? Whenever I want to talk to him (which can only be during work hours), he tells me that he has work to do unlike me. I just think, "jesus christ, I'm sorry that this situation is important to me. I get my work done. My manager loves me and he just gave me more responsibility." He always had time to talk to me whenever we were making plans to meet up after work.

 

My brother, who has been so compassionate, tells me that I just need to realize that he and I won't ever be together. My head knows this, but my heart is controlling me. I feel like I was abandoned, like I did something wrong. I feel like I was the reason he stopped caring. I wish I could just listen to my head.

 

I don't want to leave my job. I have an interview for a new one tomorrow, but I want to be successful here. I don't want to feel like I'm running away. I sense you don't want to feel that way either. I know you will figure it out.