Lost a special friend

[hikikomori]

Ok so this may be a bit of an odd thread, I'm new & wasn't sure which section to post in. All I'd like to do is get my experience off my chest & would appreciate any advice or thoughts.

 

I've felt very sad for a while & finding it hard to deal with.

Basically, about 6 years ago silly late teenage me joined a chat room.. I went on it a few times, I only kept friendship with one person I met off there.

His name was Alex.

Alex was very intelligent & I was drawn to him, and perhaps liked the mystery at first as he wouldn't show a pic, and didn't seem too bothered about females.

 

I got him on Skype and we immediately hit it off, we spoke all the time, even though it was online , I considered him my best friend. He just wanted to be friends & I accepted that, he never did show me a photo. But we would basically text every waking second and have long talks on Skype & the phone. I cared about him too much to ever pester for a photo. It would take forever to describe what he was like. I just admired him so much.

 

I know he cared about me a lot too, we were extremely close, and my feelings just always grew and grew.

I did have maybe 1 or 2 relationships whilst speaking to Alex online, I never cared for them as much. And ended them due to being to enthralled with this man with no face online.

 

After 6 or so years, we just grew closer and closer. I kept asking him to meet, and he kept making plans when drunk and never followed through with it.

 

I realised I had to step up because I couldn't go on with those feelings anymore with someone I've not met. I booked a hotel where he lives, and said if he didn't want to meet then its ok, and that he has the option.

 

He made no promises. But I went anyway.

 

So finally we met, his mask was off & I seen him for the first time. I was shocked that there was nothing wrong with him. Just an average looking normal guy so was unsure why he never sent a photo. He seemed to like me, and that night we had a great time, he got me flowers and we spent the whole night listening to music and talking in his apartment. I couldn't believe my luck at the time.

 

He did try it on & I did say no, however Im almost positive thats not the reason he did what he did.

 

This was all almost 8 months ago now.

I went back to the hotel the next day hungover & eagerly awaiting a text as he agreed to meet up the next day.

Nothing came for the whole day & I still had a couple more days in the hotel.

So I text him later that night & he said he didn't feel like it & that maybe he would another night.

He never did do another night. The whole week was a disaster with me going on nights out alone drinking (tho I did make friends). & I kept booking more nights at the hotel just incase & wasted a ****load of money.

 

He never did meet again & eventually 'ghosted' me. He wrote one long goodbye email, explaining how he didn't want much to do with the internet anymore & wanted to sort his life out. I was devasted, I still am devastated.

 

Me being crazy and heartbroken would send many emails trying to get him back.

No attempts work.

I just assume it's all because we met as he would have never done this before. I spoke to the guy for many years and we were close... I just know it was because he was put off by me in person.

 

Everything was an illusion, years of my life wasted yet I just can't move on. I'm a sucker. It all couldn't have been real. But my heart sinks everytime I think about how it used to be.

I always see things and get reminded about him.

 

I always get the urge to tell him things, as I told him everything. It sucks not having him around to tell things.

 

It's just horrible. It's been 8 months and I feel upset everyday. It's not as harsh as when it first happened. But the sadness is still there.

I know he won't be back now. But Ive just gave up on most things as it's made me so depressed.

I tried dating 2 guys & it made me more upset because they weren't him. He matched everything I wanted & I don't feel like I've ever cared for a person quite so much.

 

It's definitely the strongest I'd ever liked someone.

He's not on social networking sites or anything so I'll never be able to have a look what he's up to, he was odd like that. Chances are, our paths will never cross.

 

It's like he's dead. It was all an illusion and not real. But I just don't know what to do at this point. I know I should get over it, but I feel like I CAN'T right now.

It's been so many months and Im still just as depressed

 

Sorry, I know I haven't articulated myself well. I just needed to get this off my chest as it's such an odd situation, Ive only had 1 or 2 people to chat about it with.

[bluefeather]

he sounds like an ass.

 

the person you are into kept you at a huge distance for years and then totally left you high and dry when you traveled to see him. How can a person like that match everything you wanted? You seem sweet. It's a shame that such sweet energy is put towards someone like that, but that is your choice to make. I have a feeling he will reach out to you again one day. But it will probably be when he wants attention.

[whichwayisup]

What you felt was real don't deny that from yourself. Grieve the loss, grieve the person you thought he was. Your brain filled in the gaps and online he seemed so great and you two connected. Just know that just because this hasn't worked out doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

Sorry you're hurting.

[five2nine]

Hey there,

 

I feel for you and know what you're going through. We will never know his reasons but I would assume he ultimately couldn't deliver a serious relationship like you wanted. And he knows that. He is young and not ready like most guys his age. It probably doesn't feel like it now but you will move on in time.

 

You may always have a fond memory of him too and that's okay. Some people only come into our lives for a short while. If you can at least appreciate the good feelings you had while it lasted, then there is no need to remember it as a total loss.

[bluefeather]

I'm wondering if he contacted OP back already since the she never returned.

[hikikomori]

Thank you guys. Not sure about too young for commitment, it's actually his birthday today and turns 33. Funny how I still remember.

And nah he's not been back in touch, it's been 7 or pretty much 8 months, would be a bit odd if he suddenly reached out not long after I did a thread.

 

But thanks for the help. I can't wait to move on, it's been awful. I know he will never back but I can't understand why it's taking me so long, I find it hard to talk to other guys these days as I constantly compare them and it's miserable. I feel like I don't want to find someone else sort of.

Maybe Ive had no closure or something and that's why I can't get over it

[preraph]

He could have been married or anything. Even if you went to "his place," it could have been a friend's place he borrowed for the evening. Or yes, he could have decided you weren't his type, though you look like every guy's type in that avatar assuming that's you. Sorry it happened, but you did know he had been putting you off for a very long time. You know, it's even possible the person you met was not the person you've been communicating with. Catfish have been known to use a cousin or brother to stand in for them to keep from revealing that they're actually someone completely different from who they represented themself to be. Do not assume it's you. He has always made excuses. Assume he was a catfish or taken and couldn't bear the stress of sneaking around. Many men and women are on the internet looking for flattery and validation because they're attention junkies.

 

Be glad it's over and you should move forward asap!

[bluefeather]

Thank you guys. Not sure about too young for commitment, it's actually his birthday today and turns 33. Funny how I still remember.

And nah he's not been back in touch, it's been 7 or pretty much 8 months, would be a bit odd if he suddenly reached out not long after I did a thread.

 

But thanks for the help. I can't wait to move on, it's been awful. I know he will never back but I can't understand why it's taking me so long, I find it hard to talk to other guys these days as I constantly compare them and it's miserable. I feel like I don't want to find someone else sort of.

Maybe Ive had no closure or something and that's why I can't get over it

 

My bad. I thought this just happened. The absence of closure could be an issue. At that point, you gotta make the closure for yourself. And you'll be stronger for it. That's my experience, anyway. gl

[hikikomori]

So it's been a whole year now since it happened (On June 6th) and I've not seen or heard from him since. Things definitely feel more permanent. There's still not a day that goes by without thinking of him. It seems to be getting worse too. I keep having dreams about him and waking up crying. Ive tried to date a couple of guys & I can get 'somewhat' interested... but realise it's not the same & never will be.

Im beginning to think there's something wrong with me as this is not normal & I should be over it.

Anyone else I've ever liked in my life I have been over within a few weeks..

I don't want to be dwelling on him forever

[keiji]

So it's been a whole year now since it happened (On June 6th) and I've not seen or heard from him since. Things definitely feel more permanent. There's still not a day that goes by without thinking of him. It seems to be getting worse too. I keep having dreams about him and waking up crying. Ive tried to date a couple of guys & I can get 'somewhat' interested... but realise it's not the same & never will be.

Im beginning to think there's something wrong with me as this is not normal & I should be over it.

Anyone else I've ever liked in my life I have been over within a few weeks..

I don't want to be dwelling on him forever

 

Wow, yours is a truly twisted story. Had he ever seen your picture before meeting up? He had heard your voice, right? I can't even begin to imagine why someone would behave like that after talking to you for years. What could be the source of his disappointment? This is so weird.

 

I guess it's normal that this is lasting longer than you'd like. Your "relationship" lacked the day to day frictions of a standard couple. You probably idealized everything in such a way, everything was so wonderful and smooth, that his ghosting you feels like a stab in the chest. I must disagree that you "lost a special friend", though. A normal person doesn't disappear without explanation, particularly when you went out of your way to meet him. You sound like a sweet girl. You deserve much, much better. I know it's hard for you to accept this, but you're not losing anything by not having him in your life.

[bluefeather]

it was a long relationship. it may take a little more than a year.

[bummer]

You are perfectly normal. Grieving is an independent journey.

 

As others stated months ago, the illusion of this perfect man was shattered when he very bluntly left you without a word. The whatifs and lingering questions can eat away for years.

 

Are you really no contact or is there social media you still see?

 

Maybe, try to dissect what you thought was so great about him and convince yourself most if not all was a lie in a game to keep you interested. In reality this average guy may have been a crafty manipulator and nothing of perfection he portrayed online.

 

Accept your grieving process as totally normal. More time is needed and is okay. You'll find someone good AND emotionally available when you're really ready to move on from this catfish.

[hikikomori]

It has been a few years now. Wish I could say it has gotten better, I don’t see any social media or anything, he doesn’t have anything like it. He just completely disappeared out of my life totally in 2015, no contact ever since. Of course I tried reaching out in email more times than I should , never with a reply lol. This is a really pathetic situation and I’m a total loser that I’m still mourning over this.

I’ve never liked a guy since. No romances nothing, I miss caring about someone this much. I get a lot of moments where I remember him and I get pangs in my chest cause he’s no longer around, it makes me feel a bit empty at times. I miss the butterflies I used to feel.

I know there is zero chance he would ever contact me so It’s not like I’m waiting for him to come back.

My life now is just numb and empty, go to work, eat sleep and repeat , I often wonder what he’s doing now

[Foxy Knoxy]

It has been a few years now. Wish I could say it has gotten better, I don’t see any social media or anything, he doesn’t have anything like it. He just completely disappeared out of my life totally in 2015, no contact ever since. Of course I tried reaching out in email more times than I should , never with a reply lol. This is a really pathetic situation and I’m a total loser that I’m still mourning over this.

I’ve never liked a guy since. No romances nothing, I miss caring about someone this much. I get a lot of moments where I remember him and I get pangs in my chest cause he’s no longer around, it makes me feel a bit empty at times. I miss the butterflies I used to feel.

I know there is zero chance he would ever contact me so It’s not like I’m waiting for him to come back.

My life now is just numb and empty, go to work, eat sleep and repeat , I often wonder what he’s doing now

 

Oh hon, I feel you, I've been there, and for me it also started at the end of my teen years. When my first love (of three years) and I broke up I literally felt the pain in my chest. I panicked when I thought of him, when I saw something or went to locations that reminded me of him, etc.

 

I don't know what I can say that you haven't heard yet, but I'm going to give it my best. Take it from me, 33 years old ...

 

1. It gets better. WAY better. I'm now married to an amazing guy who fights for me. I'd been ghosted, neglected, abused, manipulated, cheated on, you name it. It took me meeting my future husband after years of crap to see what love is.

 

2. But, for you to get there, you have to be selfish as hell. Forget that guy and any other guy who proves to not be right for you. You made friends when you went out drinking in his hometown. Harness that social butterfly and meet TONS of people at different places. The more you put yourself out there the larger your choice of partners becomes. I know this is cliche but don't go actively looking for your true love. Guys can sense it. You will fall ass-backwards into an amazing relationship when you let your guard down and the only thing you worry about is making as many friends as possible.

 

3. Don't compare new guys to him. You have a romanticized idea of him in your head. I promise you, he's not that great.

 

4. Value yourself, girl. You can be happy without a man. That happiness will radiate off you and make you even more gorgeous than you already are (girl, your picture! As my grandpa would say "You'll have to beat the boys back with a baseball bat")

 

5. This is a hard truth but an important one: he did not feel the same about you that you felt for him. Let that marinate. Swallow it. It becomes easier to swallow with time. This is normal and OKAY. When you realize that, and accept it, it will be much easier to let him go.

 

That doesn't mean you weren't pretty enough, fun enough, sweet or intelligent enough, it just means that for whatever reasons - in and out of your control - he knew it wasn't the right situation for him.

 

If he felt the same about you, he would have not left you cold. He would have at least tried, or considered your feelings instead of ghosting. He was a coward.

 

Distance can be tough and for many people can be a deal-breaker. From what you say it sounds like distance was major for him. That's understandable.

 

6. I think when you booked the hotel and told him he can meet you there if he wants, that scared him. This probably was the beginning of the end if there was any part of him unsure how to feel about you. Guys who are on the fence about a situation don't usually respond well to this kind of assertiveness. I don't want to hurt your feelings, I just want to be honest. I did something SO SIMILAR in my early twenties.

 

7. Here's another hard truth: you really didn't know him well. Long distance relationships are the hardest to make work for a reason. Until you see someone everyday for years, until you fall into a rut with them and do mundane things like grocery shopping and relaxing on the couch, until every time you see each other it isn't a vacation from real life, you really don't know that person. Skype does not substitute for real life.

 

8. Have you thought about counseling? It can be so beneficial. I actually went to grief counseling after my first relationship ended. I felt silly going in but it was amazing for me. I learned grief counseling over break-ups is incredibly common.

 

9. What do you love doing? What are you good at? What are your passions? It can be literally anything. Horses, fishing, video games, makeup and hair, writing, drawing, paint ball, photography, web design, etc. Make sure you keep your days filled with what and who you love, so you aren't empty anymore. Become obsessive. Think of something you are okay at and become amazing at it.

 

Enter poetry contests and take a cooking class. If you have to write about your heartache, do it. Before you know it you will get tired of writing about your heartache. You HAVE to occupy your mind with what you LOVE, otherwise he will continue living in your head rent-free!

 

Send me a private message if you ever want to talk!

[Foxy Knoxy]

I forgot to mention:

 

It does not matter what he's doing, not one bit. He left you in the dark. He waived all rights to you caring and wondering what he's up to.

 

Don't search him on social media. Don't send more emails. In fact, my advice is to block his email and phone number so you can't even have the tiniest hope of contact from him. If he's not blocked there is always the "what if he sends me a message today?" looming, and that thought can be toxic.

 

-hugs-